Remember me? An Update...

[SweetBabyCheesus]

I don't know if any of you remember my thread from months back, about being the only sibling not invited to my brother's wedding, because the "real" wedding is abroad, and I'm invited to that. Here's a link to the thread, but it's a long one!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271618-am-i-being-an-absolute-baby-over-this-need-some-advice-please?page=1

I just wanted to update the lovely and kind posters that were so amazing when I was so upset. I really didn't want to just leave it, because you were all so lovely.

It's been an awful few months to be honest. I have spoken to my brother several times since, and unfortunately all of the conversations have ended badly, culminating in the last one last night, where I ended up calling him a cunt 🤦🏻‍♀️ and hanging up on him.

It turns out that the reason I wasn't invited to the original registry office thing was because I'm not really his friend, I am a shit sister, and a shit daughter, and since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me.

I'm not going to the wedding at the end of the month - I had to get a new passport, which I still don't have due to a name change that I had 30 years ago which I am struggling to prove, as I got married in 2004 and no longer have the deed for. I've spent the last 3 months back and forth to solicitors for statutory declarations and all sorts, but it's not happening in time, so regardless of everything else, I can't go.

He has put me under tremendous pressure to be there since my last thread - I'm not sure why, since he clearly hates me, but here we are. So I called him last night to tell him that I wouldn't be there and he just spent an hour telling me what an awful person I am.

So I've cut him off, sadly. The whole situation has been beyond stressful - it's affected me so much, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and there hadn't been a day since that this situation hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

He was so, so vile to me last night that I'm actually relieved that it's done. I never ever thought it would come to this, but I feel like I can breathe again. I just want to say thank you all again for the massive amount of support you gave me at the time, you will never know how much you all helped me. Mumsnet support at it's best. 💐

Oh I've done all that already, but thank you. The sticking point is that the name that I went by when I got married, was a change of name by deed poll. Despite that name being my maiden name on my marriage certificate, apparently that proves nothing 🤣

You'll feel a large weight lifting from your mind.
I'm sorry things got nasty.

I just need to get a bit further down the line, I think! It's one of those things that you never think will happen. I'm sorry for your situation too.

I think he's saying that because he knows he was in the wrong and doesn't want to admit it!
He sounds a very stubborn character.

It seems to run a lot deeper than that - he seems to really hate me. Which begs the question - why did you even want me at your wedding?

Gosh we never see these things coming do we? The real punch in the gut occasions that change everything? He’s not the person you thought he was, therefore he’s not a big loss. I think you would have had a rotten time anyway, he clearly harbours some weird resentment so all worked out for the best!

Get your passport sorted and go on holiday with the family who love you x

Why does he need two weddings? He’s not that important 😂 no loss there. If he really wanted you there he’d have invited you to the original wedding. Meh! He’ll be divorced soon anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

OK, I'm guessing it was a DIY/unenrolled kind of deed poll. For which there is no register.

I don't know, it was 30 years ago, and the solicitor that did it for me is no longer there, so I've been struggling! I'll get there in the end, out of spite now more than anything 🤣

This really made me laugh, thank you 😂 I don't want him to get divorced, I even want them to have a lovely wedding. But far, far away from me!

Sorry it’s turned out this way for you @SweetBabyCheesus. I remember your 1st thread too and hoped for a decent outcome for you.

However mayI also welcome you to the ‘We may be related but I don’t have to tolerate that behaviour’ club. We need a badge 🙂

I was NC with a sibling for over a decade. Had to see each other at our parent’s death bed. Things were tolerable for a while (apart from me being excluded from having any family momentous or photos when the house was cleared - not allowed in). Then the appalling accusations started. I defended myself until one totally batsh1t silly one made me realise there really was no point. Being NC again is such a relief. But there is loss and envy of those who do have supportive families. Take care of yourself x

I’m so sorry Op. like you, I’ve spent years loving my family dearly, yet knowing it’s not perfect, only to find out that they think I’m the difficult one and all have something bad to say about me. There comes a point where you have to accept that you can’t have the relationship you want with your family and it hurts so much. Especially when you know you’ve tried so hard. I’m sorry.

That's where I got to yesterday. There is no point, nothing is going to persuade him that he is wrong. He fully thinks I'm an awful person.

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. Familial relationships are so hard to navigate sometimes.

You are so much better off being well out of it. He has been absolutely vile towards you, and the rest of your family have been pathetic.

I've got two daughters and a son I would absolutely not have been impressed in one being excluded like this and wouldn't have conodoned it at all. They are all a bunch of dicks, I'm sorry you've been treated so poorly and I hope it rains on his fake wedding day.

What a horrible surprise, isn't it? I'm glad I'm old enough to deal with it, if this had happened when I was younger, it would have affected me so much more. I'm sorry for you.

I posted on your original thread. You have been really badly let down by all your family but your brother sounds particularly horrible. He has said that you aren't really his friend and that you're a shit sister and daughter which is why he didn't invite you, but he is angry because you aren't coming to his overseas (sham) wedding. He is being utterly ridiculous.

In your last thread, you said that your mum has always relied on you for emotional support, which made it even more upsetting that she wasn't on your side when you were so hurt at being excluded.

I'm so sorry that you have been treated so badly by people who are supposed to love you.

Well, it’s all a song and dance. It’s bound to fail and then everyone will wonder what all the fuss was about.

I’m a similar age to you and you are absolutely right. Age, wisdom and experience all allow me to handle it with grace and quiet acceptance. But the shock you mention is so true. In my case, I’m dealing with huge amounts of financial abuse from my sibling to my very vulnerable parent but I’m still the bad guy, probably because they know I know, even though I’ve dealt with it very gently! I suspect it’s the same in your case. They know their flaws, they know the part they’ve played in the relationship coming to this point. But it’s too much to admit it to themselves so they have to have a black sheep and cast blame.

@SweetBabyCheesus why do families do that ! Punish you for daring to move away. Having your own choices and dreams

It doesn't mean you can’t or don’t want to still have and be part of the family.

Good luck you have done the right thing.

The thing is, despite what my brother has said, I do take accountability for maybe not having been the best in terms of visiting etc. But I moved away for several reasons, and wanting some distance emotionally as well as physically, was one of them.

I have a great partner, and fabulous children, my friends are really supportive. And I know my dogs definitely love me... especially when I have snacks 😉

This really does sound like defensive anger to me. Feel sorry for his wife.

I suspect that there are two main reasons why he is so angry.

One. He decided that you wouldnt care about not being invited to the registry office because he had put you in a box labelled "Doesnt care about family" because you had the temerity to move away. Except that you did/do care so you have proved him wrong.

Second. You are now not going to the "wedding" and he will have to deal with people asking where you are. You will not be playing the part of "loving supportive family" on his wedding day and deep down he knows that this is partly his own fault, passport issues notwithstanding which I suspect he doesnt believe anyway.

He has a choice about whether he will say that you couldnt get your passport sorted so he doesnt lose face, or he slags you off to all and sundry about how you are an uncaring bitch who couldnt be bothered to go. I suspect it will be the first one to start with but will quickly morph into the second.

Either way, bullet dodged.

As an aside, why were the declarations not accepted? I had to do one for DD's passport (issue with my name too) and it went through as it is considered a legally binding statement of fact that could lead to a perjury conviction if proven false. Basically I made the statement with all the names I have legally been known by since birth, including the fact that I did not use my married name.

You are absolutely spot on with this. He absolutely doesn't believe the passport stuff - and as for the stat dec stuff, I highly suspect that this is an issue with miscommunication at the passport office somewhere. But me being me, I have every conversation noted with names, dates and times, so eventually it will happen. And I can tell you now that when it does, I will be going on the best holiday ever with my proper nearest and dearest!

I would have thought it might be possible to just sign a deed poll now changing your birth name to your current name?

He believes that I haven't made enough effort to do it all in a timely fashion. Because I don't care about him, and I can't be bothered, because I'm selfish. Again though - if I didn't care about this situation, why was I so upset about not being invited to the registry office wedding? It's just all a mess, and I'm glad to be walking away from it all, finally.

I really do love love. I just wish people understood that as excited and happy as they are about their wedding, its really not as important to everyone else!