Remember me? An Update...

[SweetBabyCheesus]

I don't know if any of you remember my thread from months back, about being the only sibling not invited to my brother's wedding, because the "real" wedding is abroad, and I'm invited to that. Here's a link to the thread, but it's a long one!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5271618-am-i-being-an-absolute-baby-over-this-need-some-advice-please?page=1

I just wanted to update the lovely and kind posters that were so amazing when I was so upset. I really didn't want to just leave it, because you were all so lovely.

It's been an awful few months to be honest. I have spoken to my brother several times since, and unfortunately all of the conversations have ended badly, culminating in the last one last night, where I ended up calling him a cunt 🤦🏻‍♀️ and hanging up on him.

It turns out that the reason I wasn't invited to the original registry office thing was because I'm not really his friend, I am a shit sister, and a shit daughter, and since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me.

I'm not going to the wedding at the end of the month - I had to get a new passport, which I still don't have due to a name change that I had 30 years ago which I am struggling to prove, as I got married in 2004 and no longer have the deed for. I've spent the last 3 months back and forth to solicitors for statutory declarations and all sorts, but it's not happening in time, so regardless of everything else, I can't go.

He has put me under tremendous pressure to be there since my last thread - I'm not sure why, since he clearly hates me, but here we are. So I called him last night to tell him that I wouldn't be there and he just spent an hour telling me what an awful person I am.

So I've cut him off, sadly. The whole situation has been beyond stressful - it's affected me so much, I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and there hadn't been a day since that this situation hasn't been at the forefront of my mind.

He was so, so vile to me last night that I'm actually relieved that it's done. I never ever thought it would come to this, but I feel like I can breathe again. I just want to say thank you all again for the massive amount of support you gave me at the time, you will never know how much you all helped me. Mumsnet support at it's best. 💐

Wow, just wow. I have just read your initial thread and cannot believe how appallingly you have been treated. Your brother sounds awful. I hope you move on and find your peace. I'd be tempted to block the lot of them tbh

Why do you think you're close to your brother but he doesn't??

So sorry you've had such a terrible few months OP! People like him are hard to understand. He may just resent that you left, you took away the ability to do him favors, provide help, whatever he would expect from an (often female relative.) He may just be bitter that you aren't aound for him to use you. Just mere speculation on my part.

Sometimes I think of the dancer Margot Fonteyn who had a bad relationship with her husband prior to him becoming wheelchair bound. She worked her ass off to provide for him, danced to an extremely late age, and didn't have much money for herself when she got older. Her family spent her money too. She recalled a moment when she was helping him with something and he looked at her with pure hatred and disgust. Some people are just assholes no matter what, some resent those who bend over backwards to help them.

Sorry, that's a bit of a ramble but some people are just never satisfied.

He's very abusive. Fuck him.

This is spot on.

I'm NC with my sister. It nearly killed me but as soon as I did it I felt like a tonne weight was off my shoulders.

He sounds like he is quoting a load of BS that he has heard, thinks it sounds good and is using, even though it doesn't apply. It's feeble minded but people do it all the time to make it sound like they've thought things through when, in fact, they have few or no critical thinking skills at all.

I haven't spoken to my sister since 2007. She was always vile to me but I stayed in touch because I didn't want to upset the rest of the family. She pushed me too far though and I was done.

Enjoy the peace. You deserve it.

I would put a penny on the Ops family being toxic
There are assigned roles in a toxic family
Op is the scapegoat
Likely brother is the goldenchild

@SweetBabyCheesus great name BTW

The scapegoat is usually the least enmeshed and most psychologically healthy member of the family.
By stepping away to lead a normal healthy life with your family you are jumping off the toxic family ship, they have lost control over you.

Therefore you are a dreadful awful person when in fact you have been trotting along happily living your life.

I would suggest some counselling and firmly NC, it never gets better

Oh sweetheart. Yours was one of the first threads I read here.

I cut my dad off 12 years ago for something very similar.

what I will say is that I have a peace now I never had before. I was the scapegoat and my brother was golden balls.

Weirdly, me and him have a good relationship now without parental interference (our mother is dead) - which I know isn’t relevant to you but you might find that there’s other family members that you have a relationship with in time.

I now have a fantastic (and I really do mean fantastic) relationship with my dad’s family of origin and have a whole clatter of aunts and uncles and cousins in my life and it is wonderful.

Good luck on your journey.

I cut my sibling off thirty years ago, there was no drama but I got sick of everything being about them and realised that I couldn’t recall a single time they had had my back, compared to the many times I’d had theirs. There was simply no point or benefit for me in the relationship. I promise you I haven’t had a day’s regret, other than it made things more difficult for my DM because I wouldn’t engage in any conversation about them.

This is freedom OP.

Hi @SweetBabyCheesus i read your previous thread last night and all along I was saying it’s not about not being invited it’s about they all keeping it a secret from you and they knew it. Can’t believe your mum and family can’t see this. I wonder if they think the same about you too.

I've always been the peacemaker in my family. We siblings live in different continents, and got on well with each other until I realised how much that effort rested on my shoulders.

I have a very difficult brother and the relationship had run smoothly as long as I didn't challenge his behaviour, which had always difficult to accept but not enough to go nuclear with him.

It changed 4 years ago. He wanted me to go back to Spain (I live in Australia) to deal with inheritance issues when he was living in Spain and was a straight forward will. When I refused to spend thousands of dollars in flights and annual leave when he was retired and could do it in Spain without problems, he became abusive. Like you, I told him he was a cunt and hung up on him. I went NC with him and my other sibling, a person with serious health and mobility issues, did the same.

I'm older than you, and as we get older, we no longer accept shit family behaviour. You've been treated appallingly by your brother, with full compliance of your mom and sister. It will change how you relate to them from now on - it's part and parcel of saying enough is enough.

Sorry to hear that
on the name change thing
it’s dead easy to get a marring certificate copy
I got mine on line a few years ago as I had to probe I was married ( never changed my name or passport / driving licence

as long as you have your details / husbands and the date of when you got married and what city its dead easy to do

unless you got married abroad

"since I moved away 20 years ago, I've distanced myself from everyone so much that he didn't think to invite me" - well if this isn't victimhood from your brother/family, I don't know what is.

I empathise with you; having moved country over a decade ago, I often feel "missed out" of family stuff in a way that presents as "woe is me" whereas I experience it as confusion at how geographical distance had apparently translated into emotional distance. If I express this feeling of being on the outside, I am sometimes met with "but you moved away, we didn't know if you'd be available, we can't just pop over, but you're so independent".

There are far deeper things going on related to expectations, duties and responsibilities to one another, going both ways, but those are hard to identify and ever harder to admit to or talk about in a neutral way, hence the "well you moved away" rebuttal.

I think I know that pinch in your chest and I just want to say "out loud" that you are not alone, and you are not wrong to have established yourself in your own right, even if it wasn't in your famlily's backyard.

It looks like this time, you didn’t pacify him enough to his liking. Or maybe he felt that the wedding was putting him in such strong position that you couldn’t say NO to any of his demands.
The passport stuff clearly made it worse because it stopped you from jumping when he said so.
Id say be thankful that you had this issue re proving your name change. It has allowed your brother true colours to come out.

I think your biggest issue now is the reaction of your mum and sister. They’ll carry in supporting him. But how much will they make you the vilain is what will make all the difference

I hope you had the best nights sleep.

I remember the thread. To be frank I'm glad you aren't going. They were bloody awful to you and you had every right to be upset.

I didn't move away because of them - the relationship with my dc dad broke down and I met someone else from where I live now. What I meant was that it made sense to move away because I didn't feel as important as my other two siblings.

Despite not seeing much of them, I've always felt that were emotionally close. I speak to my mum every week and see her every few months. And I honestly thought that me and my brother were really good mates.

I have clearly misread the whole situation for a long time! He would turn to me for emotional support etc, we have a shared love of music and stuff, we spoke regularly on the phone. Just not regularly enough for him apparently.

I honestly believed everything was fine between us! Until he didn't invite me to his wedding, and that's what's opened this can of worms. I've completely and utterly seen it differently.

I did, thank you! Just need to sort out the night sweats 😂

Are you pregnant again maybe?

I'm 55 😂

Oh dear! I got my threads mixed up 🤣🤣

I wish we could have the laughing emoji back! 😂🤣

Yes! The amount of times I wanted to use it!

Ha, a classic case of his anger ramping up and the goal posts moving each time you won't 'do as you are told' and just kowtow to him. His anger is now raging because you've crushed his perceived power - how dare you!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP but a brighter clearer future awaits you now these people have shown you their true selves.

Yes, I believe that this is it in a nutshell. Ultimately it all comes down to not doing as I was told. He dresses it up with hurt and sorrow that I'm such a crappy sister, but really, I didn't toe the line!