Feeling sad about adult DS on his birthday

[Clueless12389]

DS is 31, happily married, lives 2 hours away. We used to have a very close relationship, he’s had some very serious MH issues and his dad (my DH) as well as his wife of course have been extremely supportive for many years.

i love my DIL btw, no issues there.

anyway, he’s done incredibly well with his MH and has secured a good job, after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I KNOW this is not a transactional relationship and we have no right to a relationship just because of that, I’m just avoiding drip feeding.

anyway, they last visited us in Dec last year, they chose to spend Xmas alone and I was outwardly supportive of that, they’ve spent 2 Christmases with us in 9 years and I never moan or pressure him about it.

since then, he hasn’t visited and showed no interest in seeing his dad.

it’s worth mentioning that his dad is the one who turned around DS’s MH to where he is today, preventing him from committing suicide on several occasions, talking him through his feelings on a daily basis for almost 2 years.

DS has expressed his love and gratitude to DH when he came out of that very dark place, and they still have a long fortnightly call.

DS made it clear that he needed some space, he has this job now and they’ve moved to a nice rental house.

we’ve respected his need for space, I text him maybe once a fortnight with a positive bit of news or whatever and he usually responds within 24 hours, positively.

a couple of months ago he invited me to visit him (DIL was away) and we had a lovely day, night, and next morning. We both said how lovely it was to see each other. It had been 6 months since I’d seen him.

had a FaceTime since then and couple of texts.

anyway today is his birthday. Sent him some thoughtful presents, a voucher and a card nd asked if he might be free for us to call and wish him happy birthday.

no response.

I know his wife’s organised a breakfast and dinner out, think he could at least have spared 5 minutes.

DH will no doubt have chucked £5k or so into his account, again no acknowledgment.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, I’m just really sad .

so many of my friends sons see them all the time, go on holiday together etc etc.

DH says they’re not the ones I should be comparing with, we do sadly know 2 families whose children have taken their own lives, nd he says he’s just glad DS is alive, happily married, free of MH issues and or doesn’t matter that we rarely see him in person.

can anyone relate?

Little bump

I guess your husband is right but it is a little sad. Do you have a good relationship with his wife? I wonder if it’s worth reaching out to her.

I think it’s such a shame that he’s pulled back a little but it happens in life. I was Incredibly close to my parents but as time went on I found myself wanting to be more independent. Nothing my parents did caused this but I just needed some freedom and some me time to make my life what it is.

Im glad he’s grateful for what you and your dh have done for him, you’ve supported him through the darkest of times but perhaps he feels he needs to distance himself to keep himself in a good state of mental health.

It’s upsetting he hasn’t had any time to contact you to thank you for the gifts or just to check in. Leave it a few days and then try phone him and suggest a meet up soon?

It is sad, but I'd stop giving him money. He is a grown man at 31 and no one needs £5k chucked in their account.

Perhaps some of his MH stems from feeling resentful that he's not as successful as his father? It's quite difficult to keep your self esteem up if someone is throwing 'hundreds of thousands of pounds' at you.

after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds

You’ve bunged him 5k for his birthday and the ungrateful scroat can’t manage a thank you text.

I’m sure his “need for space” will suddenly evaporate when it is out weighted by his need for cash.

It’s still only 7pm, still time for a reply. Hopefully he’ll be busy enjoying his day and you’ll hear from him soon.

Honestly he treats £5k the same way someone treats £50, which is ridiculous but I suppose if you’ve already spent hundred of thousands, it means nothing.

He sounds very ungrateful as of today, historical stuff is gone now.

He needs to be told or you need to pull back with your generosity and he needs to show more respect and respond to your messages, it’s rude to ignore you.

It sounds really tough, but all you can do is what you’re doing and keep being positive and not putting pressure on. I was very distant to my mum but it changed in my 30s. Is there any scope for suggesting more things him and his DW might enjoy??

@ClaredeBear yes, his wife and I get on well, although not much contact with her either these days. I texted her the other day to say the box of gifts had her name on, and so to please keep to one side, and I said DH and I would call to sing happy birthday to him, and she responded positively to that.

trying not to cry atm

You need to stop giving him money.

Not because he doesn’t deserve it but because that is how the relationship became as it has done.

How long would you say its been since he has come out the other side of his MH issues?

I’d continue with the gifts but not such an extravagant amount of money unless he needs it and asked for help.

Maybe he associates his dad with his poor mental health and being in a dark place. Not seeing in person as much might avoid him thinking back to that hard time

I’m so sorry it’s making you feel so sad but I can imagine how disappointed you are not to have heard from him. Disappointment can hit incredibly hard, like grief. Perhaps a little cry will do you good. I wonder if jotting a few things down might help? How to do things differently, for example, asking his wife if she’d like to meet up for chat. When was the last time you invited him to do something?

Oh lots more messages!

thank you all. He normally is very grateful, for his 30th, DH transferred £30k and he was extremely appreciative, repeatedly thanking us.

i know part of his issues over the years was low self esteem as DH did have a stellar career after being brought up in extreme poverty so apart from the big gift last year we have reined it in(IHT planning is part of the reason for other gifts).

I’m not going to text him again, he will probably get in touch soon, but I do think a morning call wouldn’t be too much to ask, and that’s what we usually do, although up till this year we’d normally have seen him on or close to his birthday anyway

That is really sad. It’s sounds like you’ve both been amazing parents. It must have beeen so difficult for you. You sound like you are doing all the right things. Maybe you just need to carry on as you are and hope that he gets better at keeping in touch as he matures. Maybe he is just thoughtless or selfish or maybe you and your Dad are too much of a reminder of the period of his life where he was struggling with his mental health. I guess it’s most likely a mix of all those things.

I really feel for you though.

Do you have other kids.

I agree with this. You might not want to admit this, but do you worry that if you stop giving him money, he’ll end up stopping all contact? Does he keep in regular contact with any other family members?

He might be both grateful for your support, and also resentful, or hold other difficult feelings towards you along with love and gratitude and affection. He may feel that the relationship with you both has kept him dependent or limited in some way- and yes, that’s not logical in his position, but he might want a bit of distance to separate from you both and become his own man.

It sounds as if he still loves and appreciates you, he just wants a bit more space than you would ideally like. Not necessarily because of you but because of him.

So many thoughtful messages, thank you.

the idea that contact with us reminds him of his darkest years is unfortunately accurate I fear.

he got better around this time last year.

we have no other family, it’s just the 3 of us which makes it more intense.

He's being very rude imo.

Seems like he was willing to take a lot of your time and attention when he needed it, and now he's in a better place he cba to spare you scraps.
At best he's still stuck in 'child' mode where he is the dependent and you the adults, and it's all on you to maintain a relationship, you do all the giving and he does all the taking.

Whereas by their 30s most people have developed a more equal relationship - taking it in turn to initiate contact etc., children help parents out with things they need assistance with as well as vice versa. In preparation for a few years on again when tables switch completely and it's the child primarily helping out the parent.

When you went to visit him - did he treat you to food/activities etc or did you pay for everything?

I also find it quite odd that he seems to have completely separate relationships with you and DH. It reads as though you are separated, which you aren't - having visits with just you and then the fortnightly phone call with just him. I'm in my thirties and see my parents as a joint package - yes I do some things with just my mum (trip to the cinema etc that my dad wouldn't be interested in) - but I wouldn't invite just one of them to come visit me, or phone one of them and not speak to the other!

re: the money - it does seem like a lot to drop on a bday but from a financial perspective probably makes more sense than leaving it all in a will where he might get taxed on it, and tbf lots of parents of 30odd year olds are providing thousands of pounds worth of childcare at that point.

Did you mean to say that you sent £5k for his birthday present?

To be honest I would just call him. Rather than ask him if he's got time for you to call. I mean the worst that can happen is he doesn't answer. Then at least you've tried calling him.

But yes it does sound sad

Do you ever go to visit him?

I agree with this. It is unfair but possibly true that he associates his dad with being in a very dark place and might also think or feel that you both respond to him in a protective or careful manner which reminds him of being that vulnerable and needy and fragile.

It is very hard indeed as parents to recalibrate after a child who has been in adark place gets better. I think you need a very honest talk about it. He needsa to hear that being held at arms length hurts you badly and you need to listen to what he might say about how he'd like to be treated going forward - maybe in a more robust way. Or as adult to adult.

I do agree that vast presents like £5k actually don't help. He wants to fund himself now. Send him a book he might like or a shirt from a shop whose designs he likes. Maybe offer to take him and his wife out for dinner or to see a show in their home town and book yourself a B7B nearby so you are not all on top of each other.

Suicidal ideation can make people extremely selfish in their behaviour and although he is better now - thankfully - he may still have that selfish attitude towards you both unless you gently discuss it.

You had a lovely day and night with him recently snd he talks to his dad once a fortnight. That's loads. Now he's spending his birthday with his wife, which is as it should be. I agree with your husband that you should just be happy he's alive and well.

You've been a great support to him in his time of need but now he needs to step away and be independent. Maybe that is wise. I think you should accept it. You must have had a lot of trauma when he was ill. You might need some therapy to help you now.

Why the huge cash gift? Most of us ask our sons what they'd like and they say new headphones or whatever so we give them that and some beer and socks. You give him 5k and then seem to resent him for it. So stop doing it.

It sounds really sad and I totally get you feeling hurt. Just a couple of thoughts….

Becoming a parent is stepping into the unknown, you don’t know what kind of person your child will become or what challenges they’ll face, your role as a parent is to love and support them without necessarily expecting anything back. It sounds like you’ve been extremely supportive and kind. It would be lovely to feel it’s appreciated (and perhaps it is, he’s just not communicating it) but it might help to remember our kids don’t owe us a particular type of relationship or amount of time they choose to spend with us.

secondly I agree with pp that maybe the extreme monetary gifts are actually creating a barrier. Maybe he finds it harder to feel motivated to work hard and achieve certain goals because in a way you’ve made it too easy. And he may feel inadequate compared to his super successful dad. So id scale that back drastically now. It’s a lot to bung an adult son or daughter thousands of pounds just for an ordinary birthday

Sorry OP. I think it is very poor of your son. You sound like great parents and I am sorry your son treats you like that. The 2 Christmases in nine years is rubbish also. Did they come at any stage of those holidays e.g Boxing Day. I would absolutely be cutting the money tree down. I would prefer to give money to a random person who was kind to me than someone who doesn’t see me in months but only lives 2 hours away. Why are you not meeting at least once a month. Even if you travel halfway. Instead of giving him cash invite them for lunch maybe at a halfway destination between you and you and hubby pay.