Feeling sad about adult DS on his birthday

[Clueless12389]

DS is 31, happily married, lives 2 hours away. We used to have a very close relationship, he’s had some very serious MH issues and his dad (my DH) as well as his wife of course have been extremely supportive for many years.

i love my DIL btw, no issues there.

anyway, he’s done incredibly well with his MH and has secured a good job, after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I KNOW this is not a transactional relationship and we have no right to a relationship just because of that, I’m just avoiding drip feeding.

anyway, they last visited us in Dec last year, they chose to spend Xmas alone and I was outwardly supportive of that, they’ve spent 2 Christmases with us in 9 years and I never moan or pressure him about it.

since then, he hasn’t visited and showed no interest in seeing his dad.

it’s worth mentioning that his dad is the one who turned around DS’s MH to where he is today, preventing him from committing suicide on several occasions, talking him through his feelings on a daily basis for almost 2 years.

DS has expressed his love and gratitude to DH when he came out of that very dark place, and they still have a long fortnightly call.

DS made it clear that he needed some space, he has this job now and they’ve moved to a nice rental house.

we’ve respected his need for space, I text him maybe once a fortnight with a positive bit of news or whatever and he usually responds within 24 hours, positively.

a couple of months ago he invited me to visit him (DIL was away) and we had a lovely day, night, and next morning. We both said how lovely it was to see each other. It had been 6 months since I’d seen him.

had a FaceTime since then and couple of texts.

anyway today is his birthday. Sent him some thoughtful presents, a voucher and a card nd asked if he might be free for us to call and wish him happy birthday.

no response.

I know his wife’s organised a breakfast and dinner out, think he could at least have spared 5 minutes.

DH will no doubt have chucked £5k or so into his account, again no acknowledgment.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, I’m just really sad .

so many of my friends sons see them all the time, go on holiday together etc etc.

DH says they’re not the ones I should be comparing with, we do sadly know 2 families whose children have taken their own lives, nd he says he’s just glad DS is alive, happily married, free of MH issues and or doesn’t matter that we rarely see him in person.

can anyone relate?

It's really not normal in the real world.
I have a good relationship with my parents and no way would they ever give me £5k for my birthday. But on the other hand, they wouldn't just shrug their shoulders if they hadn't seen me for months on end either. I would love to hear the son's side of the story...

My son can be low contact at times. He's busy, and living a happy life. He admits he doesn't like messaging so rarely joins in with family WhatsApp chats. Despite knowing he loves us, it can make me insecure at times if he is thoughtless with it. Ie no mothers day card or something would (and has) make me sad. I've kind of trained myself to see past it and just call him. And actively make a plan to see him every few months.. He's always pleased to see us, like your son was with you. It feels like your son's past mental health issues are making you walk on eggshells, and making you feel very insecure. Just be bold and love him how you need to love him. Have regard for his feelings and boundaries of course but not to the extent that fear (or your husband's advice) stops you from feeling able to love him openly and wholeheartedly.

Thank you for understanding. This is exactly it.

Your husband has accurately assessed the situation and is giving you excellent advice.
Follow his guidance.
He knows that your son loves both of you. He recognises your son needs to be more independent of both of you than you’d like. Emotionally - “I need space”. Financially - perhaps this is why he hasn’t acknowledged his birthday money. Accept this. Your son’s a successful adult who has overcome his demons and now has a good job. He doesn’t need or want the money.
Your DiL is assuring you everything’s okay, is maintaining contact and has an easy relationship with you. You note your son is happy and settled.
Try to distance yourself from him by focusing elsewhere (not easy when he’s had his troubles and is an only child).
Big girls pants time. Don’t phone him tonight. Prove to him you are perfectly happy that he celebrates his birthday without engaging with his parents, that you are not reliant on him contacting you, that you’re not disappointed or tearful. I appreciate that sounds hard but it might be just what is needed.
I’d advise you to cut the money right back. He might see it as a tie whereas you perceive it as an act of generosity and a sign of caring. Instead put the money in a discretionary trust fund for him as part of your IHT planning.

It does sound a little bit enmeshed on your side. You have done what you needed to do in the background. Perhaps he wants to make himself proud of himself by himself. Money pays for the treatment etc but his self esteem has to come from within himself. Let him build a life he is proud of independently. He’s showing you something with his behaviour, it’s about him, don’t take it personally.

I hope I’ve helped you OP. Our children fly the nest physically and emotionally. No matter how much we enjoy them we have to accept that their lives move on so ours have to too. We teach them to be independent then can rue it. On this day 31 years ago you brought a new life into this world. Have a drink (hot/room temperature/chilled) and toast your achievement while he’s celebrating with his wife, his new family. You have a loving husband and a sound marriage. All is well.

@Littlelove9 has it.

I’d just be grateful he’s cracking in with life! He sounds a little spoilt to not say thank you, but you reap what you sow. Sound like you might end up being one of those crazy MILs when they have a child 😬

Is it usual for your husband to give him £5k in addition to multiple gifts on birthday/Xmas?

That's very generous. If I was your husband I'd withdraw that generosity if it wasn't being received with great thanks and appreciation.

Thank you everyone, I’m in floods of tears at how insightful and thoughtful so many of you are.

Ive spoken to DH and agreed that the cash gifts have to stop, and I’ll leave it a few days then suggest to DS that they visit before the end of the month, or we go to them.

DH, DS and I do have very deep conversations about our emotions, spirituality and those conversations are best held at one of our homes rather than a cafe.

although I do hear what DH says about leaving DS to lead on the frequency of contact, it is extremely difficult for me to have this distance between us, and I don’t want it to grow into a great wide chasm

will report back.

The dynamic is very strange, you sound very generous as parents.

Some thoughts:

I am wondering is he ND? Maybe ASD maybe less interested in social interaction than most maybe contributing to the MH issues.

Or was it addiction? again very common for addicts to have ADHD and not be able to manage time well.

I do wonder what caused the MH issues the vast majority are closely linked to trauma and again that can cause people to retreat into their shell.

It is very low contact for healthy relationships with parents. A final thought my father went to boarding school very young. He had very little interest in his family of origin as an adult, not because he was in any way negative about them but he just didn’t need them in the way that most others do.

The money isn’t a red herring. Are you giving it to him as a birthday present (if so, it’s way too much), or because he is in financial trouble and has asked for it or as part of IHT planning? If the latter two, you shouldn’t give it to him as a birthday present. There is something quite heavy about the way you relate to him - it sounds like you alternate between over protective and resentful and needy. No wonder he needs space. Try to lighten the relationship and make it more fun and, for want of a better word, normal, everyday. And stop giving him money unless he needs it or you need to do it as part of your own financial planning, and if it’s this latter, do it in a matter of fact way and not as a birthday present.

I don't think its normal to send someone 30k not even by MN (very high standards). I wouldn't stop sending money altogether but I would reduce significantly to something like £200 for birthday or Xmas not both occasions.

Or diagnosed ND, I have wondered about ADHD. He is extremely intelligent, as in Oxbridge STEM degree, plus an MSc.

as to what caused the MH, it’s difficult to say, we lost his elder brother when DS was 4, but we’ve always been a very tight knit and loving family, lots of fun, open communication, we’ve supported him emotionally throughout.

he’s definitely an introvert, as is his dad, and I’m an extreme extrovert.

up until Jan we’d see him about every 3 or 4 weeks.

Your husband is a wise man, OP. As adults, we all need our space, but your son is in contact pretty often so it sounds like a good relationship to me. If his MH is improving, then it's great news that he doesn't need to rely on his parents so much - he's out there living his life.
I do agree, though, that the cash gifts are excessive and unnecessary.

This is a brilliant, insightful response.

I can see why he asked for some space and time.
At 32 he won't want his parents calling up to sing happy birthday to him. And thousands of pounds transferred to him must make him feel a bit shit, like he still needs daddy's money. Does his wife get thousands transferred from her folks?? And do her parents sing happy birthday to her over the phone??

Sorry op, you just sound too much. No doubt you are a lovely kind person but reading between the lines, I'd try to step back as much as you can and let him come to you.

BTW you have both done a great job @Clueless12389, your son is in a good place, happily married to a nice woman and in a decent job.

Pat yourselves on the back and start enjoying some of that money you have.

You say that he has had serious mental health issues but that he is in a good place at the moment. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have to carefully manage his mental health and there are bound to be peaks and troughs. I think managing other people’s expectations and emotions can be tough. I don’t have any major issues with my mental health and I am a generally happy and sociable person, but I find Christmas very wearing because of all expectations and being stuck in the middle having to balance the needs of DH, my parents, my children and my in laws. I also find birthdays and other celebratory days a bit pressured even though we do them in an extremely low key way. I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on these particular days and enjoy the interaction you have when it does come along.

Ive spoken to DH and agreed that the cash gifts have to stop

I assume you have taken financial advice as you speak of IHT planning. Money doesn’t have to be given directly.

I’ll leave it a few days then suggest to DS that they visit before the end of the month, or we go to them.

I wouldn’t. Give him space and control. Let him initiate it.

DH, DS and I do have very deep conversations about our emotions, spirituality and those conversations are best held at one of our homes rather than a cafe.

Maybe lighten up if this is what he wants and needs. Don’t lock him into past behaviour or exclude your DiL.

i do hear what DH says about leaving DS to lead on the frequency of contact.
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it is extremely difficult for me to have this distance between us

Change your approach as it isn’t working. Be the mom he wants you to be.

will report back.
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Stop giving him money. You are still treating him like a little boy or a young man with MH issues who needs to be supported. He's a grown man. He's also rude and ungrateful not to acknowledge a gift, let alone a gift of £5k.

I think the fact that you are an extreme extrovert vs your son and husband being introverts is also a factor in how you are assessing the situation. Listen to your husband and DIL and give your son some space. You’ve provided lots of support and he’s in a good place. I expect he just needs to pull back a bit. It won’t last forever.

Do not give him a penny more. Not a penny.
Use that money to treat yourself to a nice holiday.

To be fair to DH, the reason for drip feeding DS small gifts of £5k/£10k etc is to get him used to having a bit of money rather than a massive inheritance all in one go (a few million), when just bereaved, so I do get his logic but don’t necessarily agree with it.

You are clearly very wealthy. I still think he is being over-indulged and it feels too close to buying his love.
I'd pull right back and let him chase you for a change. Go on a world cruise.