Feeling sad about adult DS on his birthday

[Clueless12389]

DS is 31, happily married, lives 2 hours away. We used to have a very close relationship, he’s had some very serious MH issues and his dad (my DH) as well as his wife of course have been extremely supportive for many years.

i love my DIL btw, no issues there.

anyway, he’s done incredibly well with his MH and has secured a good job, after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I KNOW this is not a transactional relationship and we have no right to a relationship just because of that, I’m just avoiding drip feeding.

anyway, they last visited us in Dec last year, they chose to spend Xmas alone and I was outwardly supportive of that, they’ve spent 2 Christmases with us in 9 years and I never moan or pressure him about it.

since then, he hasn’t visited and showed no interest in seeing his dad.

it’s worth mentioning that his dad is the one who turned around DS’s MH to where he is today, preventing him from committing suicide on several occasions, talking him through his feelings on a daily basis for almost 2 years.

DS has expressed his love and gratitude to DH when he came out of that very dark place, and they still have a long fortnightly call.

DS made it clear that he needed some space, he has this job now and they’ve moved to a nice rental house.

we’ve respected his need for space, I text him maybe once a fortnight with a positive bit of news or whatever and he usually responds within 24 hours, positively.

a couple of months ago he invited me to visit him (DIL was away) and we had a lovely day, night, and next morning. We both said how lovely it was to see each other. It had been 6 months since I’d seen him.

had a FaceTime since then and couple of texts.

anyway today is his birthday. Sent him some thoughtful presents, a voucher and a card nd asked if he might be free for us to call and wish him happy birthday.

no response.

I know his wife’s organised a breakfast and dinner out, think he could at least have spared 5 minutes.

DH will no doubt have chucked £5k or so into his account, again no acknowledgment.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, I’m just really sad .

so many of my friends sons see them all the time, go on holiday together etc etc.

DH says they’re not the ones I should be comparing with, we do sadly know 2 families whose children have taken their own lives, nd he says he’s just glad DS is alive, happily married, free of MH issues and or doesn’t matter that we rarely see him in person.

can anyone relate?

Wow I'm really shocked at the amounts of money being given for birthdays

And how normal that is

You sound like wonderful parents and he is so lucky to have had your support.

I would be patient with him and I wouldn’t bug him.

I’m not excusing him, he should have called you, but some days are impossibly busy for some people, and IF there are still some underlying MH issues, that could make it quite difficult for him to maintain contact at the moment.

There’s a difference between being independent and not even bothering to see your parents in 6 months and can’t be bothered to acknowledge birthday wishes or gifts but somehow he never fails to spend the money he gets from them.

Parent/ adult child can be really hard sometimes. I think you either give the money out of love with no expectation or don’t give. It can’t be a ‘transaction’

But I would be far more proactive. Why didn’t you call and fix a date/ place to celebrate his birthday? Suggest a family meet up for Xmas, before or after? Take the initiative and show you love his company and you may find he thinks that’s what he really needs.

Interesting that the thing you mention is just how much money your husband has given him. If you don’t believe any of it is transactional, who do you think it’s important that we all know about your husband’s fantastically huge payments to your son?

I suspect this is what is behind your son’s choices. Even apart from the money, you seem to think he owes you something because you supported him through bad times. If my child recovered, with my help, to the point they were able to move on and live a good life, I wouldn’t decide they should keep in touch because I had done that. I’d be concerned if they pulled away and felt they no longer wanted to visit. I’d wonder if I was making it difficult for them, or had upset them. At no point would I think they owed it to me.

You don’t know that he has spent it. Perhaps it sits there in his account and he neither wants it nor needs it but feels he doesn’t want to potentially upset them by rejecting it.

I find it interesting that you exoect him to call on his birthday. I am a similar age and would expect my family to call me on my birthday and I call them on theirs. Could it be that he is expecting you to call, especially as I think I read you told his wife you will call to sing happy birthday etc

You said to his wife you will call, so they are probably expectibg you to call?

Good grief! Stop giving him these staggering amounts of money. No wonder he’s an ungrateful brat when he has tens of thousands on tap. Mental
health support doesn’t need to be financial.

That’s unlikely given they funded he and his family through his crisis, and if as you say he hasn’t spent it or doesn’t want to upset them he can still acknowledge the gift or respond to her her birthday wishes and do better than seeing his parents once in 6 months.

When he told us in about January that he needed some space and time, I said that I’d leave it to him to reach out to me, rather than for me to pressure him into seeing us.

When he invited me to visit he said that he had needed that time but didn’t want to completely lose touch with us and others.

I think it’s time now, though, to suggest either that they come to us for a weekend or we go there, we can stay in a hotel.

DH however is of the view that contact has to be led by him, at his own pace.

its very painful

Does he earn a lot? Giving him large wadges of cash may actually remind him how little he brings to his own family table and emasculate him? It might be better to not do that?

it could be that Im jealous though. In fifty years i never got the total of what he got across two birthdays despite doing my best to phone and write thank you’d, to keep in touch out of respect and doing my duty type things I hated with my parents. even when I didn’t want to I sucked it up and did it for free.

So keep that in mind when considering my answer but nobody wants reminded that they aren’t as good as their dad. And potentially never will be. He prob wants to hear his dad say Hes proud of him too.

No I texted him first thing to ask if he’s free for us to call him.

he never has his ringer on, no point calling on spec, it’s always FT at a specific time

I'm sorry you're sad and upset @Clueless12389 but why on earth are you throwing tens of thousands of pounds at him? (Hundreds of thousands of pounds over the years you say....) And why did you throw £30,000 at him for his 30th birthday, and then £5,000 this week? I'm confused about all the cash gifts??? Especially if he is making so little effort with you/your DH?

He really sounds ungrateful… by that age I was past the point of thinking about myself. I was thinking about my parents, what they might need and being there for them. I feel really sad for you. I wonder if you have given him too much? I appreciate it’s all relative, but meaning in life doesn’t come from hand outs. I think those should stop immediately.

It is not normal. Not in the world I live in anyway.

He sounds incredibly ungrateful and I would not be sending any more chunks of cash from now.

What happened that left him with low self-esteem and a need to keep you at arm's length?

Everyone on here is guessing with the very limited info we have. Why do you think he needs distance from you both OP? If his dad had given him daily emotional support for two years resulting in him getting better, then why the need for such distance? I understand reducing contact but to not see his father in nine months seems to be going to the other extreme.

Wish I’d never mentioned the money tbh, it’s a bit of a red herring.

for context, many of our friends have gifted their adult kids half a million each/gifted flats etc as part of IHT planning. It’s nothing unusual in our social circle.

Anyway I’ve texted him just now to ask if he wants a call tonight and said no worries if he can’t.

Ah this is hard. Have you invited them or organised things to invite them to? Can you just call him and see if he answers? If you'd like to chat to him, it may be easier to call rather than text to prearrange? I think it may be worth having a think about you can do to work towards the type of relationship you'd like. Maybe a meal and hour away each? Or go for a day out in the middle? I hope you find a way through this 😊

The money thing may make him feel really awkward and emasculated & might be why he wanted space from you to do his own thing.

I know the financial gifts come from love but it may make him feel patronised & guilty, hence his pulling away from you. If he has poor MH, rather than dealing with these feelings he is just avoiding them & thus you.

Unless he is desperate for money why can't you & your DH just give him normal presents?
He's 31 one & he needs to be treated & respected as an adult, one who is able to pay his own way.

Maybe in his recovery he feels a sense of shame that you are the people who have witnessed him at his weakest.
it sounds like you and his dad saved him both literally and financially but maybe you serve as a reminder of all that. Perhaps he is trying to put some distance between you as a method of building his sense of independence and strength, and if that is the case then that may be just what he needs and exactly what you fought to save for him.
That could all be rubbish and he’s just plain old ungrateful but I do know from family that recovery from MH issues can be a complex journey with ups and downs, and behaviours that don’t always look logical or fair to those who love you. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you, just still fighting a different part of the same battle.

There's a good chance he hasn't looked at his bank account today... my dad often puts £100 in for my birthday which I don't realise until a few days later.

The amounts you are sending are insane, btw.

this !!

It isn't a red herring at all and just because it is normal in your social circle does not mean he is any less ungrateful. You can't buy love I guess.