Feeling sad about adult DS on his birthday

[Clueless12389]

DS is 31, happily married, lives 2 hours away. We used to have a very close relationship, he’s had some very serious MH issues and his dad (my DH) as well as his wife of course have been extremely supportive for many years.

i love my DIL btw, no issues there.

anyway, he’s done incredibly well with his MH and has secured a good job, after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I KNOW this is not a transactional relationship and we have no right to a relationship just because of that, I’m just avoiding drip feeding.

anyway, they last visited us in Dec last year, they chose to spend Xmas alone and I was outwardly supportive of that, they’ve spent 2 Christmases with us in 9 years and I never moan or pressure him about it.

since then, he hasn’t visited and showed no interest in seeing his dad.

it’s worth mentioning that his dad is the one who turned around DS’s MH to where he is today, preventing him from committing suicide on several occasions, talking him through his feelings on a daily basis for almost 2 years.

DS has expressed his love and gratitude to DH when he came out of that very dark place, and they still have a long fortnightly call.

DS made it clear that he needed some space, he has this job now and they’ve moved to a nice rental house.

we’ve respected his need for space, I text him maybe once a fortnight with a positive bit of news or whatever and he usually responds within 24 hours, positively.

a couple of months ago he invited me to visit him (DIL was away) and we had a lovely day, night, and next morning. We both said how lovely it was to see each other. It had been 6 months since I’d seen him.

had a FaceTime since then and couple of texts.

anyway today is his birthday. Sent him some thoughtful presents, a voucher and a card nd asked if he might be free for us to call and wish him happy birthday.

no response.

I know his wife’s organised a breakfast and dinner out, think he could at least have spared 5 minutes.

DH will no doubt have chucked £5k or so into his account, again no acknowledgment.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, I’m just really sad .

so many of my friends sons see them all the time, go on holiday together etc etc.

DH says they’re not the ones I should be comparing with, we do sadly know 2 families whose children have taken their own lives, nd he says he’s just glad DS is alive, happily married, free of MH issues and or doesn’t matter that we rarely see him in person.

can anyone relate?

Do you think that the loss of his older brother might have some impact on how you interact with him?
He has a degree from Oxbridge, an MSc, has overcome MH problems, has a good job, is married, is happy. He has done extremely well on all counts. He’s a success. Yes, he has a different personality to you but you should accept this and love him as he is.
He has used his wings to fly as we all do. Don’t clip his wings.

I think you are being a bit too serious, deep conversations etc, that might have worked when he needed that support but he’s not in that situation now. He probably wants to enjoy himself a bit, not take things too seriously. His mind is lighter he probably wants to roll with this cool new feeling. They are all just phases of growing. I’ve pulled away and gone back and pulled away from my mum as a when needed and she has always just let me in. I know where to go when I needed her, that’s the role of a parent, it’s always going to be one sided, it’s the job till you need them later.

I’d rather die than go on a cruise 😂
we have a lovely lifestyle, we’ve been extremely lucky.

I have never been on one myself. Go on a solo trip by yourself and leave the introvert men at home. That is more my style.

I have a son who has had similar issues and has pulled though and made an independent life after years of struggle. I understand your anxiety and need to be close. However just reading your messages makes me feel suffocated. He is a grown man with a wife and life of his own. He’s not your little boy. It’s not healthy for him to be as enmeshed with his parents as you want him to be. It’s not healthy for you. I cringed at your mention of singing happy birthday to him on the phone.

Please, please, let your son breathe. Stop sending him outrageous amounts of money , it’s just not going to help him develop any sense of his own self worth. It’s highly inappropriate. Let him breathe, have some space and some privacy. I agree he should be thanking you both for the money, but maybe he really doesn’t want the money and feels he can’t say so .In the nicest possible way, you sound very needy and suffocating. Try to step back and follow your husbands advice.

Goodness me so many jealous people on this thread! If their parents were gifting them thousands i can 100% assure you that they'd be over the moon. You're obviously very rich OP and if you can help your son financially through life then that's fantastic, I'd imagine he will eventually inherit a huge amount anyway.

I think though that you need to give him space to rebuild himself. He may find his work quite stressful - it wouldn't surprise me at all if he was autistic.

I would definitely listen to his dad, he understands because he's an introvert like DS. You're an extrovert desperate for him to live up to your extrovert needs and that is going to feel very intense and possibly quite over whelming for him. You need to reel in your expectations - give him time to contact you. He doesn't need to thank you for gifts the minute he gets them.

Another suggestion: go away for Xmas instead of waiting around for your son to join you.

Everything on MN is dubbed " jealousy' but I would hate myself if I was taking £ 30 k from my parents at 31. He's an Oxford grad. Let him stand on his own feet.

You're right to stop just transferring cash. Good suggestion from @Cinaferna

Send him a book he might like or a shirt from a shop whose designs he likes. Maybe offer to take him and his wife out for dinner or to see a show in their home town and book yourself a B7B nearby so you are not all on top of each other

These things are more personal. Do this for his wife too - get her perfume or a scarf or a fancy diary or something. That way he knows you aren't cross but you are changing your approach to gifts.

Also, don't just message him about calling, meeting up or what he's doing. Send bits of news about what you're up to. Without asking about making contact. You might think he wouldn't be interested, but the point is to show him you're not pining over him, you're getting on with life so he doesn't have to worry you'll get upset about his low level of contact. This might, ironically, make him feel more relaxed about it.

Lastly, a friend of mine went through a really self centred distant patch but a couple of years later she came out of it and things were totally different. If this situation has only been the case since January, then I understand why you're sad, but I would also say don't panic. Be patient. It will very likely change again but give him time.

THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS??????????????????

THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS??? op are you looking to adopt? i'll happily be your child

As others have said, maybe he doesn’t know yet. Simply sticking money in an account means nothing. I could go weeks without noticing that.

But sure, let’s just call him an ingrate without knowing any of his side of the story. I can’t imagine deciding to distance myself from my parents without good reason.

On the surface he sounds incredibly selfish but perhaps there’s more to it.

maybe he finds you both overbearing, all the deep talking etc. I appreciate there was a time where he needed it but maybe he’s anticipating another deep talk etc coming his way and he doesn’t want to hear it?

you could just pull back and see how long it takes him to initiate contact? Or you could just be firm and ask him outright but then again that might make him detach even more.

Having said all of that he doesn’t come across as a bit of a brat and you do deserve better.

I don’t think the money is necessarily a problem. There are plenty of wealthy people about who give their kids money. OP, how about switching the way you give your son money to a regular payment. It’s better from an tax point of view as if it’s a regular payment from surplus income then it will be exempt from inheritance tax. I’d guess you are already aware of it but if not you can Google it. If it’s a regular payment then it will just become the norm and will help loose any emotion that comes with infrequent irregular large gifts.
We do this with our adult kids (all hard working responsible members of society) and none of us give it any thought. It just goes into their accounts each month.

You give him £5k for his birthday?? Do you want to be my parents?

It sounds to me that he's just busy living life right now. He probably has a lot of making up to do and is trying to fit in his job, manage his stress and fit in his wifes b'day plans. That will always become before you and his Dad at this stage in his life. Personally i would wait until he's most likely at home and not rushing around and give a quick Happy Birthday call, or arrange to pop up and see him on the weekend to go out for a birthday meal. Evenings can be busy if you've been working longish hours and are trying to fit other stuff in.

5k into his account!

Lucky sod. I don't know anyone who receives that much money from their parents, even when they were younger. Is there any reason why that amount after spending 100k on him throughout his adult years?

Since being married, I've never called or received a call from my parents on my birthday.

We message each other as the birthday is planned by the partner.

He's not a child anymore OP, message happy birthday and chat another day.

He’s a very, very ungrateful man. I’m really sorry, OP. He’s had the moon on a stick, and some, and is more than happy to take your immense wealth and generosity, but can’t be bothered to thank you or show you any care at all. He knows he doesn’t have to, his little windfalls will keep coming regardless.

Another thought. In my family it’s the women who keep the family together. They hold the calendars and social diaries and deal with who is hosting what when and where. So keep in with the wife ss she will be the one to potentially liaise with about when suits. I imagine they will have various events etc. to attend with dc. so your dil's help will be required to set things up. Perhaps things that don’t involve much talking that will be easy to do and not be overwhelming. Like a farm park or the zoo if they have kids that like it etc. so it’ll sound fun if he likes that sort of event for his family? You all arrive in your separate cars so can leave as suits. No staying in anyone’s house feeling trapped. Etc.

A few million?
You have IHT planning so must be aware of the nil rate band and the 7 year rule.
You’ve given him hundreds of thousands of pounds so he’s accustomed to it. The argument about drip feeding doesn’t hold.
The chancellor’s November budget might well be designed with you in mind.
Step back emotionally and financially.
Allow him self-esteem together with financial and emotional independence. It’s what he appears to want. He’s a man who can and should stand on his own two feet.
Even though you don’t like cruises, there are numerous ways to indulge yourselves. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

Edited for typo. Fat fingers.

what have I just read?

😱

Very strange family. Son not contacting parents much and parents chucking £30k at him for a birthday!!! It is mind boggling.

Perhaps the OP should be donating some of that money to mental health charities instead of throwing it at her son who doesn’t acknowledge it and sounds like he certainly doesn’t need it.

The op seems to be skimming most of the comments here and concentrating on the money side of it. Speaks volumes. I'd love to hear the sons side of things.

Let’s not forget the thumbs up OP is privately giving to posters who are giving her advice which can’t sit well.