Feeling sad about adult DS on his birthday

[Clueless12389]

DS is 31, happily married, lives 2 hours away. We used to have a very close relationship, he’s had some very serious MH issues and his dad (my DH) as well as his wife of course have been extremely supportive for many years.

i love my DIL btw, no issues there.

anyway, he’s done incredibly well with his MH and has secured a good job, after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I KNOW this is not a transactional relationship and we have no right to a relationship just because of that, I’m just avoiding drip feeding.

anyway, they last visited us in Dec last year, they chose to spend Xmas alone and I was outwardly supportive of that, they’ve spent 2 Christmases with us in 9 years and I never moan or pressure him about it.

since then, he hasn’t visited and showed no interest in seeing his dad.

it’s worth mentioning that his dad is the one who turned around DS’s MH to where he is today, preventing him from committing suicide on several occasions, talking him through his feelings on a daily basis for almost 2 years.

DS has expressed his love and gratitude to DH when he came out of that very dark place, and they still have a long fortnightly call.

DS made it clear that he needed some space, he has this job now and they’ve moved to a nice rental house.

we’ve respected his need for space, I text him maybe once a fortnight with a positive bit of news or whatever and he usually responds within 24 hours, positively.

a couple of months ago he invited me to visit him (DIL was away) and we had a lovely day, night, and next morning. We both said how lovely it was to see each other. It had been 6 months since I’d seen him.

had a FaceTime since then and couple of texts.

anyway today is his birthday. Sent him some thoughtful presents, a voucher and a card nd asked if he might be free for us to call and wish him happy birthday.

no response.

I know his wife’s organised a breakfast and dinner out, think he could at least have spared 5 minutes.

DH will no doubt have chucked £5k or so into his account, again no acknowledgment.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, I’m just really sad .

so many of my friends sons see them all the time, go on holiday together etc etc.

DH says they’re not the ones I should be comparing with, we do sadly know 2 families whose children have taken their own lives, nd he says he’s just glad DS is alive, happily married, free of MH issues and or doesn’t matter that we rarely see him in person.

can anyone relate?

Hi Op
I understand your sadness as my middle son is a little like yours.
I have an easy relationship with my eldest Dd and youngest Ds
My middle Ds is more like his father. Intense job which is all consuming and a toddler who he is very involved in parenting and is very self contained.
I feel uncomfortable not having as close a relationship,as in being able to discuss thoughts and feelings as the other 2, as feel I’m failing him. He also lives further away and has been with his wife since high school, and she has been his confidant.
Occasionally over the years, when he has been tipsy, the walls have come down and he has expressed love and gratitude so I have to be content with that’s what he is comfortable with and when we get together I keep it light.
Things have improved so much since they have had a child as we see them more often and it’s light as there’s a baby to focus on so I hope that happens for you op as it may improve the dynamics for you as well.

DH, DS and I do have very deep conversations about our emotions, spirituality and those conversations are best held at one of our homes rather than a cafe.

Honestly I'd knock these deep conversations on the head. Way too intense. Instead suggest an evening at the theatre, cinema, something light. Stop shining the spotlight on him. I'd be in mortal dread at being sucked back in to a bad place.

You say he said he needed space…is he angry with you about something? Is he having therapy and working through feelings about his childhood? If he wants space all you can do is respect his wishes. The money is irrelevant. It sounds like he’s had a tough time mental health wise and that he has good support from his dad so I would give it time.

Hi @Clueless12389

I think your son is lucky to have such loving and caring parents and I totally hear your anxiety about a widening chasm.

I'm not an expert but sometimes letting a person have space is the biggest gift you can give a loved one. Your son knowing that you will still be there for him. Something that can feel so little to one person, eg a call, can be totally overwhelming for another, and may cause them to pull back.

It must be really hard knowing he's spending time with his wife on his birthday and I guess he might feel he has to, rather than really wanting to, and that's literally all he can cope with today, so you and your husband have had to be put on the back burner rather than him wanting to...?

Make sure you look after you too. We can only help others when we are ok.

Sending a big hug 💐xx

To be honest for me your explanations make it all make sense. We have a lot of ND in one side of the family, they are pretty reclusive and like their own space.

Coupled with the introversion in your family I think while it comes off as being not very accommodating to your needs, I don’t think there is malice or lack of closeness in it.

It is just a difference in preference for spending time together, getting out of routine etc. Because you have such a close relationship I would explain to him your side. A lot of autistic people are extremely good on cognitive empathy so they really care once they understand how the other person feels. Tell him how you are feeling.

Thanks. Wise words bout not panicking, I’m trying not to overreact. DS sent us both thank you texts at about 8.30pm, they were in a restaurant, sent a nice photo.

Just to clarify, it’s not me who transfers cash, it’s DH, we have totally separate finances, no doubt that’s another reason to think we’re a weird family to some pple.
i sent him a cashmere jumper in his favourite colour, a book and aftershave. I always buy DIL her favourite perfume and a smallish voucher for her favourite shop, so nothing extravagant from my side.
since January, I send texts of places I’m visiting, or the kittens, or just in jokes, I do keep it light.
its DS who wants deep and meaningful conversation, I’m as shallow as they come and like to keep the conversation light but it always seems to end up political/ current affairs or whatever.

Doodlie, your wise words and thoughtful insight have been very much appreciated.

We have a similar dynamic in my family with a sibling of mine. My parents just keep reaching out and arranging family things and if he doesn’t want to join then that’s fine. Do you have other children as well or is it just him? Is he feeling the pressure of being your only child and your only focus?

I think the money’s a red herring, I don’t think you feeling sad has anything to do with money.

Age 31 without kids is also a really normal time not to have a lot of contact with parents. Lots of offspring go through a phase of independence between uni and having children of their own, it doesn’t mean that’s how it’s always going to be. Just how it is for now.

Spot on, the money’s irrelevant. There’s just the 3 of us in the family after the death of our first son when DS was very young and so it can be more intense than if we’d been lucky enough to have a big extended family. I’m very envious of big families and imagine it would be more relaxing in many ways.

Never mind. Not accurate after updates.

‘DH, DS and I do have very deep conversations about our emotions, spirituality and those conversations are best held at one of our homes rather than a cafe.’
it sounds intense…
he’s said he wants space, I can see why, it sounds like you all experienced a devastating loss.
I’m not surprised he developed mental health issues, there is no way a child could not have been affected, that’s nobody’s fault but he’s only newly recovering, not recovered and he has clearly said what he needs.

I don’t check my bank balance on a regular basis, perhaps he and his wife have found other ways to celebrate his birthday and he’s decided at 31 that he wants to do things his way for a change instead of being haunted and taunted by whatever has been tormenting him for years.

give him a break, perhaps consider therapy for yourself OP, you are experiencing loss now he is asking for space, it’s not his burden to carry. Let him enjoy some lightness. If it’s your husband’s money and not yours, why are you mentioning it as part of your upset?

I can’t believe how many people are slating this man when only hearing one side of the story.
theres a thread on here called ‘but we took you to stately homes’.
worth a read

I think my sibling found his MH being the topic of many family discussions very intense. Just give him space and let him know you and DH are happy living your lives and are happy he’s living his. You’ve done a wonderful job, sorry to hear about your other son, it sounds like you’ve all been through a lot.

Wish my dad would chuck 5k in my account 👀😂

I’m glad that you’ve decided to stop the large monetary gifts for now, I think they complicate things.

I agree with others that you can be more proactive about seeing your son and keeping in touch. I explained to my DD, for example, that I do worry abit if she doesn’t respond to a text within 24 hours so I’d really appreciate even a one-word acknowledgment when she has a chance. “Yes” or “OK” is fine. She understood and sends me a quick response when she has a moment.

As @Plethorapeach says, you can tell him how you’re feeling without getting too intense.

I am so sorry for all the trauma you have experienced and continue to hold. To lose a young child is the absolute worst and shadows all of your lives. I suggest that his MH issues / s ideation brought this all back to you and the terror of losing your only remaining child must have been intolerable. This is possibly both triggering digging up the past (which must be still so raw and near the surface) as well as the shock, overwhelm and onslaught of your DS recent MH crisis. This is all so recent - it takes a long time to recovery and put that in the rear view mirror. I suggest you take his lead. He has asked for space to recover and maybe associates the dead of his sibling and the emotional blight on his childhood alongside the deep and meaningful talks as deep pain and kicking up the dust. I would respect his understanding of himself and what he wants and needs and always be hopeful that in a few years time he will be back again. I would invest in prof therapy for yourselves right now as you have endured so much and your own trauma on both sons, grief, loss the shock of further loss needs support and sensitive care for you all to process and grow from where you are now. Give him the space he has asked for and I expect in a few years time he will be bouncing back with grandchildren. Your trauma from both of you (understandable) is palpable to him and it would implicitly and explicitly and isn’t likely helping but driving him away. If he is avoidant attachment and you are anxious attachment (clue is in the introvert and extrovert descriptions you have given) then all of your approaches and interventions are inadvertently counterproductive and are chasing him away. Invest in your own individual therapy at this time and see how you coming to acceptance will change the dynamic for the better. Are they living near and close to the DIL’s family ? And if so is that painful for you. How is your DH doing?

Christ I didn't even get £5k when my mum and dad died. Stop giving him money!

EDIT: I didn't read the whole FT so please ignore me - your update changes things and I understand why you're wanting to treat him that way and why it's all the more painful for you he's pulling away.

Sorry but he sounds like an entitled brat. Like most things in life , people don’t appreciate things they don’t have to work for , be it partners, jobs, money or in this case parental love. Like you gift him thousands and he can’t be bothered to call as he knows it makes no difference and the gravy train will keep rolling as he’s your one and only. I’d pull right back .. MH or not you wouldn’t treat a dog like this.. or a stranger. It’s extremely poor form and I’m afraid his been indulged to the degree he doesn’t even recognise basic good manners. You are not wrong to feel how you do. I suspect if he feels the cool breeze from you and you stop the reaching out he will come running. It shouldn’t be like this and so transactional but it seems like this is the dynamic that’s been created

I bet you hear from him if you send a solicitor’s letter with a repayment plan.

I don’t know if this is appropriate, but I think you’re feeling as if you’re being punished for loving your son so much.
You’ve done nothing wrong.
Shit happens.
Life doesn’t always turn out like we hoped it would.
Keep the faith, @Clueless12389 and don’t give up the good fight.
Your boy is very young. Hang in there with him and he’ll come around.
I’m sure he will.
I know he will.
He’s your son isn’t he?

If you stopped gifting him so much money he might come to see your more. Do you ever invite your DS and dil.over to visit you or go on holiday with you?

It sounds like he really wants space to regroup and stand on his own two feet. I think the money undermines that tbh.

Perhaps your husband might gain a different perspective by reading 'Millionaire next door' I think creating an 'economic outpatient' does no-one any good. It means a constant reminder that you don't think he can manage on his own. He needs to find his own way, learn from his own mistakes and gain trust in himself.

It sounds like you both need to let go in different ways. I know it's painful but something better will likely come out of it

Looking from a personal perspective I find it really really sad that the relationship is mainly and has been mainly built on money and giving it. The old saying money doesn't buy your heart is so true. MH is a horrible illness and having worked in that sector a long time money is not going to make it any better

I send my grown up kids £30 on birthdays.
Wishing I was your child right now!
Wow that's a lot of money without respect sent back I'm afraid!

Glad you heard from him! Hope you feel a bit better now and took some things worthwhile from the thread.