Feeling sad about adult DS on his birthday

[Clueless12389]

DS is 31, happily married, lives 2 hours away. We used to have a very close relationship, he’s had some very serious MH issues and his dad (my DH) as well as his wife of course have been extremely supportive for many years.

i love my DIL btw, no issues there.

anyway, he’s done incredibly well with his MH and has secured a good job, after many years of DH and I financially supporting him to the tune of hundreds of thousands of pounds. I KNOW this is not a transactional relationship and we have no right to a relationship just because of that, I’m just avoiding drip feeding.

anyway, they last visited us in Dec last year, they chose to spend Xmas alone and I was outwardly supportive of that, they’ve spent 2 Christmases with us in 9 years and I never moan or pressure him about it.

since then, he hasn’t visited and showed no interest in seeing his dad.

it’s worth mentioning that his dad is the one who turned around DS’s MH to where he is today, preventing him from committing suicide on several occasions, talking him through his feelings on a daily basis for almost 2 years.

DS has expressed his love and gratitude to DH when he came out of that very dark place, and they still have a long fortnightly call.

DS made it clear that he needed some space, he has this job now and they’ve moved to a nice rental house.

we’ve respected his need for space, I text him maybe once a fortnight with a positive bit of news or whatever and he usually responds within 24 hours, positively.

a couple of months ago he invited me to visit him (DIL was away) and we had a lovely day, night, and next morning. We both said how lovely it was to see each other. It had been 6 months since I’d seen him.

had a FaceTime since then and couple of texts.

anyway today is his birthday. Sent him some thoughtful presents, a voucher and a card nd asked if he might be free for us to call and wish him happy birthday.

no response.

I know his wife’s organised a breakfast and dinner out, think he could at least have spared 5 minutes.

DH will no doubt have chucked £5k or so into his account, again no acknowledgment.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, I’m just really sad .

so many of my friends sons see them all the time, go on holiday together etc etc.

DH says they’re not the ones I should be comparing with, we do sadly know 2 families whose children have taken their own lives, nd he says he’s just glad DS is alive, happily married, free of MH issues and or doesn’t matter that we rarely see him in person.

can anyone relate?

I don’t understand why so many comments are focussed on the money but it’s probably because OP put it there as context. I actually think it’s an irrelevant fact. The issue is not whether £50 or £5k or £500k is given or whether enough gratitude is shown otherwise it starts to feel transactional. The issue is one of communication.

OP it sounds like you may need to harden yourself a bit and focus on yourself. There may be very little you can do as he’s a grown man making his own choices. It must feel like grief as you feel like somehow you have lost your son I’m sure it’s very painful but he has said he needs space for his own reasons. You have not said if he has explained whether these reasons are related or not to unresolved family issues or purely unrelated.

I would give him that space though. The good part is you believe he is happy with his partner and doing better and has got through his crises.

On the money, you can’t take it with you and if you want to give it as it’s inheritance tax planning you can always set up a trust for him or give a lump sum outright with no expectations that he will suddenly change his wanting to see you more often.

Perhaps you.can write him a short warm letter saying you hoped he enjoyed his birthday and understand he may need space but when he is ready that you’d love to see him again soon.

As painful as it is, try to avoid making him feel guilty for the low contact and avoid mentioning him not thanking you for your gifts or being ungrateful or you may drive him away further.

He may come round in his own time and on his terms and may be dealing with his own issues still. Just make sure he knows periodically you are thinking of him and that you wish him well.

My DH has had suicidal ideation and it impacted me profoundly. It stirs up completely mixed feelings, of empathy, care, fear, rejection and even at times anger. I agree with a PP the tragic loss of your other son, this is such a heavy load. Exploring it in a therapy session with your DH might be the way to go.

Also, are you having fun in your own life? I think that would reassure your son that you’re still living for yourselves, and centre joy for a time. Wishing you well 💐

I thought he was a bit spoilt from your post tbh. I definitely think he could and should have found the time to ring you!! Two hours away is not far. I’d have considered inviting my PiLs to the meal tbh if it was my DH! I’d ask him when they’re free for you and DH to visit for a weekend. Our parents see us often and they definitely don’t wait for an invite but call and say ‘we’d like to come see you in November, when works??’ Don’t wait for an invite, I’d suggest a visit. Stay at a hotel nearby and see if there’s any events on so you can see them but also give them a bit of space. Best of luck xx

Crikey £5k!!!

I live in a totally different world - and it sounds like your son wants to try and live his own life

Sorry, wrong post 🙄

I don't think the money is irrelevant but I don't think it's the only part of the story here.

Losing a child is such a devastating experience & I am sorry you went through that. Becoming an only child because you have lost a sibling is also equally devastating.

Your son may feel a bit suffocated by your love and your husband's excessive generosity &, as I said before, I imagine he feels guilty too because he put you through so much worry & upset when he knows you had already been through so much.

You sound like a wonderful mum and of course it must be upsetting to feel you are not as close to him these days.
But I think right now you need to give him space to be his own person and to be able to be free of the guilt and obligation he probably feels. Giving big sums of money will only add to these feelings so needs to stop.

As others have said, if you give him some space he will come back when he's ready & able.

This is very sad OP I feel your DS could do better. My brother is the laziest person around (not saying you DS is) but if it wasn’t for my sibling and I organising all celebration events for our immediate family, he would not participate (not that he does much anyway aside from visiting we orgnaise the food and presents). It’s really annoying.

Sorry you are having this heartache OP. You sound a very lovely mother. All you can do is keep reaching out, keep being a steady, loving, welcoming presence (while not necessarily feeling those things). And hopefully the situation will ebb and change. Very best of luck with this.

We have lovely young adults in the family, but I have noticed that the more you give, the more it is expected. I love them a lot but have cut back.

I’m glad your DH will hopefully stop the cash. Your DS now needs to see you as parents, not advisers with money.

Maybe he finds the deep conversations about feelings and spirituality too intense and just can’t face it very often. How about just meeting up and doing something fun?

I think your son sounds ungrateful. If it was me I would limit your generous gifts to trusts for the grandchildren. Even if his working hours make contact tricky he could email or use his wife as messenger.
There is no excuse for him not making time for you.

Hey OP I work in mental health and find that when people are on the other side of recovery they can become fiercely independent as a way to show themselves they are recovering and don’t need support. This might not be about you.

also, I’m sorry to say that sending that much money is going to feel transactional maybe not to you but to your son. I have worked with a lot of young people whose parents fund them and they feel so much pressure to be grateful, be a good child, give something back that it often leads to Immense guilt and then resentment. Or they feel like they have to be successful to show they are worth the money. I would scale that back now

Maybe because of the history you and his dad are now associated with all of that and any even bland ,well meant responses or comments take him back. He has a wife and his own life, you've done an amazing job but maybe he needs to live it on his terms. Conversations about spirituality amd religion are maybe too much. Stop the big chunks of money as ge sounds to be doing ok.

Im so pleased he got in touch to share a photo with you. 🧡

the idea that contact with us reminds him of his darkest years is unfortunately accurate I fear.

If that's the case, then the hundreds of thousands of pounds you've given him should also weight heavily with him and he would pull back from receiving further lavish gifts from his parents.

At the very least, basic courtesy demands you would call your parents to acknowledge receipt of £5k into his account, so his dad knows it has arrived and not gone missing in the ether.

I feel he's treating you almost like a bank, with which you would naturally have a very hands-off relationship, rather than his parents.

I agree with PP that you should stop giving him large monetary gifts. He's a married adult on whom you've already spent a fortune - time to stand on his two feet.

I think that there is a lot in this post. I am hoping that your DS had and continues to have expert prof help for his MH crisis. As I said earlier this is very early days in terms of recovery and he has had 25 years of this crisis building due to his trauma from 4 years old. He is likely to have explored what environments/conversations/relationships are hard for him to carry and triggering and advised / decided to put in some distance physically and emotionally to heal. Maybe there were a lot of unconscious expectations on both sides that were unhealthy. Maybe from his side he felt throughout his childhood he has to make you proud and happy and healed - and you both smothered him with love (and expectation?) to make up for all your loss. You mentioning his specific academic achievements is a little telling. I was also impacted by your suggestion to book a FT call to sing Happy Birthday down the phone - maybe I am wrong but is it a bit infantilising? Also if his birthday was on a mid week working day he likely is focused on that and only has the time and headspace to respond in the evening which he did. Your expectation and subsequent disappointment that this didn’t happen in the morning could be seen as unreasonable especially as he has proactively asked for space. Maybe he feels the cash gifts come with strings?

All we can ever do in any relationship is change how we react and engage and this will automatically alter the dynamic. From the outside all 3 of you are living through repeated and compounding trauma which has enmeshed you all in an unhealthy way. Each of you need to recover and heal separately as these traumas b affected you all differently as a mother, a father, a child. I would be very hopeful that each of you taking the time and space to dedicate to your own healing after the most recent trauma and to respect each others healing will grow a wonderful new healthy chapter for you all. He has survived, he has a career, a loving stable relationship and lives independently - those are huge achievements given his emotional background (as PP said money won’t heal his entrenched MH crisis). Explore for yourself what enriches you and how this next chapter of your own life will be defined. Many people struggle with empty nest and need support for this milestone - in your case with such vulnerable and emotionally fragile DS it will be especially challenging. I am so sorry for your loss and traumas and I wish you calm and peace.

He lives in a rental despite being given hundreds of thousands?
What is he spending the money on?
I'd suspect drug abuse.

Does he have a job?

Hmmm..money might be a red herring. But it really has a different sound to it when your son does not aknowledge you giving them a £50 in camparison to double an average persons monthly salary. This is not meant as a shaming thing, but it makes us regualr folk to think . I know very few people who have grown as rich as your son and his surroundings and they actually sound a bit similar to your son. Don't know if there is something to it.

What is your relationship like with DIL?

I think the expected gratitude, and then guilt morphing in to resentment is an interesting emotional trajectory for the cash drop. Does he feel he is being bought? Does he feel his request for space to grow from his trauma is respected?

There is clearly a lot going on here. I am very sorry for the loss of your first born. Naturally, you want to spoil your son. I understand the IHT planning too.

Nevertheless, with all that and even discounting the money , I would still distance myself a bit. Give him some space. Take some time for yourself. The more you distance, the more he may follow.

Op I would be concerned that he’s struggling with mental health. People often withdraw and stop talking to loved ones.

I would call his wife and arrange to go out for a meal or night away with them both as a birthday celebration.

I have no recognised mental health issues but I was going through a very tough time and I stopped calling anyone. I remember wanting to call but feeling I had no one to call. With hindsight that was wrong. I can now even name acquaintances that would have preferred to take that than watch me suffer the way I was those few months.

I still loved and think about my family, I was just in a bad place. In fact I felt bad I was withdrawing from them. An invite out would have been welcomed. But I had no ability to arrange it. I still worked full time. I still did everything I had to. But between those busy periods I sat and did barely anything. You would not have known it from talking to me.

So I would arrange a weekend away with both of them.

Good luck op.

I can relate to the distancing - I too am like it and struggle with my MH.

Could it be a sign that he is struggling again ? I isolate even more (independent / private anyway) when I struggle

All the best - you sound lovely parents FWIW

£30k for his 30th birthday, dropped into his bank account just like that? How the other half live😮

Has your family time-travelled from some era when men were out hunting mammoths 24/7 and hence didn’t have time to contact their parents?

Money is not everything. When you are desensitised to that kind of money the value of it decreases. It can’t stop people getting sick and it can’t fix a mind. It sometimes causes more problems then it fixes.