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Original poster

Feel stupid after sex on 4th date

253 replies

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:14

Was hoping I'd found a potential relationship as its been great. Flowers etc.

Slept together twice now. He does little foreplay before penetrative sex. He doesn't last long enough to try finish before him. We had a few drinks tonight and I had the confidence to ask him to do more foreplay on me as he barely tried before piv. He gave me oral for about ten mins and then complained of jaw ache and the moment being gone. He told me women usually cum fast,

I felt mortified and sad because I was confident tonight and thought we were getting into it
I feel humiliated any advice. We were at it for about 20 minutes a variety of things. Help

OP posts:
Bikergran · 29/10/2025 06:06

He may well have learned hs ideas about sex from porn films, where women are writhing and moaning almost before the bloke has got his kit off. He's just cr*p at sex. Dump him and move on now.

ThatPeachScroller · 29/10/2025 06:23

There would be no more sex if it was me!!!
He’s selfish in bed. It’s only been a few dates let him go.

Thatsalineallright · 29/10/2025 06:38

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 05:39

So we were kissing and he removed some of my clothes for about 5 or so minutes. Went through to room. He went down on me for 2 minutes then wanted piv. After a few mins I switched position but realistically new it wasn't enough stimulation for me. So I said can you play with me for abit. I did give him a little oral but when he gave me it the position didn't allow me to do things to him.

I was very close when he stopped, he then said the moment was gone and he felt shit. He had no interest in getting himself hard again I could tell. I've never experienced a man being all about speed.

I thought it was fun to mix it up abit not just piv. He's also quite small compared to my past.

I don't know what he did for his ex because he's not very attentive.

Am I pretty normal or do most women finish in 10 minutes with a newish lover. He seemed insecure over me touching myself to he asked if hes not enough.

You're normal, don't worry.

Gannety · 29/10/2025 07:01

Ditch him OP. It's not the fact that he's bad at sex, because with the right person that can be improved. It's the fact that when you told him what you want and need, he blamed you for not being quick enough and was sulky and selfish about 'his needs' not being prioritised. Not only does that mean there's no scope for improvement in the sex department, it's an attitude which will inevitably become manifest in other areas of your relationship when the initial honeymoon stage has worn off.

VineandIvy · 29/10/2025 07:13

You are at the start of your sexual journey together and his entire energy is CBA.

That’s not going to bode well for the future. He should be excessively keen to learn how pleasure works for you as it’s all new and exciting instead of comparing you generically to ‘other women’.

Just as a comparison my DH and I have been together for 6 years and he would still spend hours if I wanted it. Best to figure out incompatibility now and wish him well and let him go.

flowers are nice, but they won’t offset low effort sex, making you feel guilty for needing a warm up and little rude remarks/comparisons.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 29/10/2025 07:14

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:36

We are 36 and 40 with kids. It's not a lack of experience my ex made me get there everytime. Because I have had a drink I was more confident which made me think we were experimenting and doing lots of different stuff, I wasn't expecting this

Show quote history

Tell him you’re not sexually compatible.

CantBreathe90 · 29/10/2025 07:18

Why can't you just hurry up and cum faster??

Not really. Unless he's absolutely amazing in other ways and you're willing to be patient about the sex, bin him off. It's only been 4 dates after all x

BCBird · 29/10/2025 07:23

seaelephant · 03/09/2025 00:45

He's bad in bed and has no interest in your pleasure, that's all there is to it. I understand being embarrassed but it says a lot more about him than it does about you

Been there OP. There was no.need for this comment from him. You know it's a lie. I'd cut ties.

tamade · 29/10/2025 07:32

NautilusLionfish · 29/10/2025 06:00

@Popthetop5 Think about how it sounds if you flip what he said: other men have made me come faster. Other men have gotten harder. Other men have lasted longer. It all sounds mean does it? More so when said in the moment. You will likely always hear those words during sex or when there is a glitch during sex. Today is Wednesday and it's bin day. Bin him

Edited

Reading through her posts the OP has said those things and thrown in that he has a small willy......
But I suppose he started it by being a crap lay and complaining about his jaw.

Sounds like they are sexually and emotionally incompatible. Time to move on

safetyfreak · 29/10/2025 07:42

Throw him back,

Having a hissy fit because you didn't orgasm quickly enough, eurgh. Its only goiing to get worse.

Addictedtohotbaths · 29/10/2025 08:00

I’ve got a post about a very similar experience, he also said he was good in bed etc.

he was crap and very selfish, I tried to get past it because I enjoyed his company. It didn’t improve it got worse and he never touched me or cared if I got any pleasure. Even when I told him he was selfish in bed he just said yeah I’ve been told that before.

Get rid it will not improve and if he’s selfish in bed he will be selfish with other things.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 29/10/2025 08:18

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

It is not!

divorcinganabsolutewanker · 29/10/2025 08:23

Oh God op.

My chap stays down there for ages!

And then we shag for ages with lots of variety.

I wouldn't accept anything less now.

Cyclebabble · 29/10/2025 08:24

He does not sound that great at it TBH. It might be too early to ask, but does he have ED issues?

Rosiedayss · 29/10/2025 08:33

JanuaryBug · 03/09/2025 12:55

This. One thousand times. You deserve better. He's crap in bed. He is only interested in his own pleasure. He knows nothing about women, or any he's been with have faked, if he thinks women usually orgasm fast.

He's a loser.

Show quote history

Totally agree.
Previous partners have claimed to have finished to be done with it.
Don't waste your time.

HowAmYa · 29/10/2025 08:35

I’d throw this one back in.
Every update just gets worse OP. Do not get caught in this any further.

Aluna · 29/10/2025 08:39

He told me he's quite good in bed

We’ll be the judge of that laddie!

MN says no.

BatchCookBabe · 29/10/2025 08:48

jsku · 03/09/2025 00:31

You both seem a bit insecure and possibly inexperienced, tbh.
Why do you need to be drunk to say you need more foreplay. Also - foreplay doesn’t go one way only with him doing something for 10 min - sex is a team sport. And the best way to ‘ask’ for something in sex is to model the behaviour and do forplay on him.
As to ‘humiliation’ - why??? Sex in the early phase of a relationship is about discovering things about the other person - nothing humiliating about it.

As to lasting long (or not) - alcohol may have something to do with it. Newness and performance anxiety of early days - can too.
Generally - if you have chemistry, sex often becomes better with time, as you both relax and become more comfortable at communicating about sexual needs and wants

I agree with this, and think it's really unfair on the man in question here to say he sounds useless, crap in bed, selfish, lousy, and other names people have called him. Maybe he is feeling bored and unsatisfied too, because the OP isn't doing much for him. It can't all be one way and one sided, as you say, sex is not just about one person doing everything.

And I agree that the OP (and the man too) possibly sound insecure, inexperienced, and naive when it comes to sex. 20 minutes from start to finish, I would class as quite quick. (If it's always that length.) DH and I have had a few 'sessions' in the past that lasted 15-20 minutes from start to finish, (and even a few 5-8 minute quickies!) But much of the time it was 45 minutes to an hour. More to the point, we were both satisfied the vast majority of the time.

It does seem shitty of him to say 'other women finish sooner' but he is very likely just feeling defensive. Not sure if you are suited to each other @Popthetop5 but a few conversations need to be had.

FlayOtters · 29/10/2025 08:52

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

no, no it isn't.

Hons123 · 29/10/2025 09:01

What is this need to jump into bed on the 4th date? He was crass to say what he did, but if you bothered to date him properly, watch him and study him, you would have noticed his crassness and saved yourself this nonsense. You would have 'shot him down on approach', had you dated him first. He would have revealed himself as a tosser in other interactions, surely.

BountifulPantry · 29/10/2025 09:10

He’s a new partner so just end it. Sex being crap is a good enough reason!

BatchCookBabe · 29/10/2025 09:16

Hons123 · 29/10/2025 09:01

What is this need to jump into bed on the 4th date? He was crass to say what he did, but if you bothered to date him properly, watch him and study him, you would have noticed his crassness and saved yourself this nonsense. You would have 'shot him down on approach', had you dated him first. He would have revealed himself as a tosser in other interactions, surely.

This went through my mind too, and I have thought this on similar threads. I don't get why people these days, jump into the sack with someone so quickly, often before knowing hardly anything about them. (Like by the 5th date.)

Someone said something like this on a thread the other week, and was shot down in flames by a few posters, who said they were at it like bunnies with their now husband on the second date - a few said the first night they met them, and now they're married 15 years blah blah blah. Nothing wrong with shagging right away. What a prude you are. I shagged a man I met an hour after meeting him, and we've been married 12 years etc etc etc...

I have never got this thing about hopping into the sack with people so soon. Is it a 'find out if they're a good shag before taking the relationship further, and if he doesn't measure up he's dumped' kind of test? It gives that impression from the way some women speak.

Even 30 years ago, DH and I didn't DTD for several months.

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2025 09:17

Yes, this is why I like sex on the first or at most second date. Fourth would be far too late for me, because now you feel like you need to keep seeing this guy even though sex was poor because of his attitude, because he gave you flowers. That’s the opposite of a keeper.

Everyone’s different. My experience is that men who give flowers are universally awful partners, but I’m sure there are nice flower-givers out there. I don’t care much about penis size, if a man has a bit of erection trouble, preferences, positions. But if he’s not into sex as a joyous, wonderful way to spend time together and where the ebb and flow of activity and pleasure will vary from day to day, forget it. Luckily there are lots of people like that in the world.

5 minutes sex and all day sex can both be fantastic, but not with someone who’s holding a stopwatch.

StarlightLady · 29/10/2025 09:21

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

@Pinkbananaa - I’m pleased l don’t have your life.Just 20 minutes?

OP, no, woman don’t usually come fast. Fake fast, maybe, but not come fast. I speak as a bi female.

l think you need to have a serious talk about your needs and realistic timings. Importantly no entry until you say you are ready. In my younger years, l often had sex with music playing and would tell a lover (I’m old school and use old terms!) not to consider going further until the music stopped.

Hedgehogbrown · 29/10/2025 09:24

He's shit in bed and selfish. He pretends other women come in ten minutes with piv. Well you know that's bullshit. You need to get rid, he's in his 30s for God's sake, he's not going to get better. Let him find some sap who will fake it with him and his small dick.