Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

I agree with this.

plus if @Quackduck says partner didn’t need her to have a home:

1. Why is partner unable to pay op that 350 a month she says are her new costs driving up and down, going to her parents and back?
2. Will @Quackduck continue to pay half of the Mortgage? because I thought she says the partner says it’s okay if she moves out completely or something like that?

1 tank of fuel would last 2 days just traveling between where I am now and to work location.
Id then need fuel for travelling for work, I don’t work a desk job per se, I work in the community. But I do have an office and a desk but I may have to travel 70+ miles in a day some days.
So I could easily be looking at £300+ a week in fuel alone.
Not an option.

People saying move back in, suck it up, don’t leave, I am still out of pocket on fuel, I still can’t actually live in my own home.
My bills have gone out this month already. There is no spare cash for driving up and down the country.
Partner will not pay.

My parents are on disability benefits, why should they have to give me money? They scrape by on benefits, if they gave me £2-300 a month they wouldn’t be able to pay their rent.

Partner has had months of phone calls with teen B, months of having a 1 day weekend doing different activities outside of the home and a month of having 1 day on a weekend in our house.
Partner has been building this relationship for months and months. Partner has had plenty of time to tell teen B about me.

I have already spent the last month, hiding my belongings, driving up and down to my parents when teen B was over for the day on the weekend, they bought my food shopping because I couldn’t afford food with the petrol, I spent £488 on petrol last month, with travelling and work, milage claim for the month £50. That’s £438 I was out of pocket.

I have already felt the effects of having to leave the property on a weekend. Partner saying they don’t know when they can tell the kids about me or how long it will be, is why I left.

I cannot afford it financially, emotionally, physically the extra wear on my car, meaning more expenses, new tyres quicker, car breaking down as it’s 10 years old.

@CopperWhite with respect, other than this new issue. Do you believe you have a relationship with this partner at all because he clearly doesn’t need you. I’m really struggling to get my head around this whole situation.

@Quackduck people are saying move back and finish your qualifications. Don't move out on the weekends or the Wednesday.

Why isn't that an option for you?

One of you sleep in the box room for the next six weeks, you get your qualification and then you sell the house.

Yes, ok.
But NONE OF THAT IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO THROW AWAY YOUR JOB, YOUR QUALIFICATION AND YOUR FUTURE.

What do you want to get out of this thread?
If you tell us what you are looking for, perhaps the replies might be more helpful to you?

In addition to this, @Quackduck the fact that you have already paid for this house for this month and the partner won’t pay whatever that means, means that you should move back in and move into the smaller room and don’t move out until either he compensates you for this month, if you really feel you need to be out of the house and he helps you cover the costs of driving up and down and food.

Complete the degree (even if it means commuting home at the weekend), get the funding, and then leave to start a new life somewhere else.

What do you want from this thread. Everyone has given you excellent advice but you reject ALL of it. The only thing you want is for partner to tell kids, but he’s told you that’s not going to happen so you are “throwing your toys out the pram” /cutting your nose off by packing in job etc. if you really wanted your degree/job you would move heaven & earth to make it happen. Perhaps when your home st parents at weekends get a job to cover your expenses (bar/waitress short term contract work) problem fixed. Your not going to get your own way on this so grow up “put your big girl pants on” dump your useless boyfriend - there that’s some useful advice and welcome to your real world- we can’t always get what we want

The relationship is clearly over but I wouldn't allow that to ruin your job or degree.

It's your house too.

You only need to do it for 9 weeks to get your degree.

9 evenings where you can go to the library or even a cafe and study, or even go to the gym for some of it or a class or the cinema.

Is there any cheap accommodation closer you could find for the weekends, hostel or B&B?

After that, it's solicitors and court bit for 9 weeks, it will be worth the sacrifice of getting that degree.

He's an asshole but don't let him win.

It’s half her house! She wouldn’t be ‘going home’ to her parents! She has a home that she’s paying for!

I’m all for protecting the kids but this is a mess of his own making, and it’s not OPs job to put it right. He’ll have to rethink having the son stay until he’s prepared to be honest with him.

This . Read it a few times.

get back to your house and don’t move out or go elsewhere on Wednesdays.
that’s what we’re all saying.

uou both own the house so go back to it

there is no way I would leave my house that I pay half the mortgage and bills for

if he wants to spend a night with his child in the middle of the week he can stay in a travel lodge with them

this means you are local and can work /get the funding etc

i find it weird that you have been /lived together for 2yrs and you have met or made no friends in that time

no support network for you

does mum have a partner ?

he needs to tell the kids he has met someone

they don’t need to meet you at the moment but I wouldn’t be moving out or moving my things in the joint house

when going to court. Did this not occur to either of that the kids may be staying and met you /you not be there ?

I get he wants to put his kids first but not even telling them about you is insane

OP you need to take this advice. It can’t be all on you, your partner needs to help you out to do this. His parents are right though, teenagers will find out and they won’t trust him. That’s on him not you, but it’s stupid of him.

From seeing all you’ve written he doesn’t sound like the person to settle down with. It’s all very unreasonable.

This.

This is your home, that you BOUGHT with him. You pay half the mortgage. Don't move out. I'm shocked you're even considering it.

Fine, make yourself scarce a little at weekends temporarily - go and work in the library - but don't move out and pretend you don't live there.

I know kids come first but he chose to buy with you without factoring in the kids. It's not on you to potentially lose your job / spend a fortune on petrol because of this situation

Partner will not allow me in the house when teen B is there.

I have to leave, teen B is coming over, I have to go to my parents.
Teen B came over this weekend. Regardless if I moved out, I would have have to go to my parents.

If you are adamant you won’t go and stay in your own house that you own you need to put it up for sale and use a credit card/loan to pay for somewhere to stay for the next couple of months until you finish your qualification. Then you will have the money from the house sale/pay rise to pay it off and decide if you want to find somewhere new to live locally or move back near your parents and find a new job there.

Quitting your job and moving out of your home makes absolutely no sense.

It's your home, you pay for it too, stay put until
you finish your degree.

And then look at leaving because your partner's idiocy in refusing to tell the kids means there's no way to continue. He's pulling the carpet out under your feet when you are so nearly finished your course, he doesn't have your best interests at heart. I wonder if there is even an element of sabotage.

Take your half of the equity and leave him behind.

Don't you have your own key?

I don't get why you're being such a wet blanket.

You need to stand up for yourself!

The home is as much yours as his OP. He either comes clean about you or he stops renting out his other home and lives there with DC2. You do not allow him to dictate your life, living out of your home 3days a week. I understand that he is trying to build a relationship with his child after not being allowed proper access (I wonder why?)he should be able to tell them. The court case that YOU have supported him through, but then been discarded so he can play at being good Dad, lots of fun Dad. Sorry OP but he doesn't respect you, and I would finish your degree, refuse to budge until you do, then sell the property and leave him in that order.

Op, you are just not listening to what people are saying.

You need to look after your own best interest. Move back into the house and don’t leave when the children come over. It is your house. He can’t make you leave.

you need to prioritize your own financial stability and your own career.

put a cot in the shoe box room and sleep there if you don’t want to deal with your boyfriend. Your relationship is dead, but that doesn’t mean you have to destroy your career and finances.

If he doesn’t like you being there, he needs to figure out a way to have you leave that lets you keep your financial stability and your job.

It’s YOUR home as well. It’s not yo him to tell you you’re not allowed there. You pay half the mortgage therefore you have equal rights as him.

Everyone is telling you that but you don’t seem to want to hear any advice

Not to the point that’s she homeless and loses her job and future qualifications while also paying for a house she can’t live in.

If you refuse to move out partner can call the pol!ce who will tell him you own half the house. You have nothing to lose!

What on earth are you thinking you are achieving by throwing your job, qualification, health etc?

Why are you deferring to someone who clearly doesn’t care about what happens with you or how you can cope? What is that you are not telling MN? Is he usually this emotionally abusive towards you?

I have friends, friends who do not live locally. Friends I have known for 15 - 20 years.

I struggle with social connections, I cannot make friends easily, I have always struggled with friends, keeping friends or making new friendships. They just don’t come naturally to me.

I have acquaintances from work but no one I would call a friend.

I do not know if Partners ex has met someone else or had a relationship, as far as I know, as far as partner knows, I don’t believe they have. I don’t feel the need to try find that out either, partner and ex partner communicate only about the teens. So it is not partners place to ask either I don’t feel.