Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

I am finding this thread sooo frustrating.OP surely it is worth all this hassle to complete your qualifications over the next few weeks. Obviously your relationship isn’t great but still get your career sorted first.

You won't do it, but I suggest you give partner the choice between 1- you stay in the house and that's it or 2- he pays you for a place to stay during these days until you finish your degree. This situation is not for you to sort out alone. If partner sees you're serious about not leaving the house, they may do something.

Stick it out under his ludicrous terms until you finish your degree. Then leave. Don’t throw away your degree.

A man with children not interested in spending time with him is a BIG red flag, and not someone I would provide an ounce of interest in.

I agree. I really, really feel for you op, but I don’t understand these threads where people ask for advice and then and then seem to discount all of it. There have been some good suggestions here. I totally understand that emotions are running high, but please, please don’t quit your job and qualification.

OP you own half the house and pay half the mortgage why did you move out?

This is his problem not yours. Why should you lose your job or Risk your studies for a man who does not seem to care about you? Even his parents are siding with you that the kids need to be told.

He either 'makes good' and pays 100% of costs for you to live in a flatshare on certain nights.

Or he needs to evict tenants from premarital home and move in there with his kids and inform the court this will happen in X months and start sleep overs.

This is not your problem and you should not lose any money or your job or compromise your studies.

In the interim- think about how this will work long term if he will not declare your existence. Maybe in the future a child may what to move in full time - what then?

In your shoes I would put your home on the market and sell it - once you are finished with your exams in October you can decide where you want to live and what you want to do.

Wish you all the best OP, hope you find a suitable resolution.

I'm not saying you should but if the options right now are do that a bit longer whilst you find a new home/job or lose your job and throw away a degree surely the sensible option is the first one?

@Quackduck What’s your plan? How about you pack a large case with enough clothes etc for a week and you go back to the house you and your partner own. You then give DP 2 options - you either live there full time again for now (and sell once you’ve finished your degree and sorted a new job, as you now know they are a user and a liar) OR DP can pay for you to stay in a local travelodge / b and b on Wednesday evenings and weekends (or pay for your transport to and from your parents home at the weekends).

Op isn’t answering questions and is being cagey when people point out that it is her home so she has the right to stay.
i’m really frustrated and don’t think we’re being told the full story.

It’s possible Op is in a relationship with someone who it is not safe to disagree with.

I don’t get that impression, but you could be right

You own the home, he cannot make you leave. I suggest you go back to your home. Assume the relationship is over, and ignore whatever negative atmosphere this creates. If he shouts at you, becomes aggressive, and insist you leave, you can involve the police as that is abusive.

Finish your degree and move out & potentially force a house sale when it suits you.

Don't let a man screw you over like this.

I can't believe you are prepared to blow up your job and qualification for no reason. You don't HAVE to do anything he says. It's your home too. I'm failing to understand why you are you are being so passive about this and letting him call all the shots.

He has no legal right to evict you so why are you going voluntarily? Just tell him no and sleep in the box room/on the sofa if necesary (or he does). This is urgent, if you are right about job situaiton being so urgent you could lost it tomorrow, Stand up for yourself!

It's understandable he may be hesitant for Teen B to discover you exist given the situation with Teen A and finding out about you, but ta) he's had p,emnty of time to tell them about you and b) the created this mess by buying a house with youand not telling them in teh last 18 months or more.

If he really wants you to not be around he has to pay for your rent elsewhere until he either buys you out of the property, or it goes on the market, sells and the proceeds divided up.

Given the info that you could own the home and pay half the mortgage and you have a month left, I would move back in until your degree is done. I think his telling you to leave with so little notice was unreasonable. You're a co owner. He can't force you to leave.

Your soon to be ex partner can work around your presence for a month. You said yourself you're doing renovations. The overnights can wait. Go elsewhere for the evening that his younger kid comes.

I think you need to see a lawyer to force a sale or you get bought out. There's no way your relationship can survive him sabotaging your degree and your livelihood to this extent.

Finish your degree no matter what.

Bloody hell, this isn’t his house to make you leave each weekend. You own 50% of it and pay 50% of the mortgage. Under no circumstances should you be agreeing to this

Granted, maybe the first weekend and he can have that conversation with the kids and you can meet them on the next midweek day. However it’s your house too, why would you risk losing your job when it’s your home you pay a mortgage on

Yes, for the 2 nights as i said.
This is a mess of their own making, admittedly more the partners. They knew they were fighting for visitation rights for these kids, vulnerable kids as well. What did she think was going to happen?
People need to take more responsibility for their decisions especially when children are involved.

So he went through a lengthy custody case without telling the court or his ex he was living with you?

But why SHOULD I have to do that

Because that is what adults do, they prioritise the welfare of children.
They are teens, but they are still children.
They are not your kids, but they still have welfare needs.
Your partner, their parent, has decided that it is best if they don't know about you.
So you suck it up until you have your qualification and a permanent solution can be found (i.e. you get your equity back and move on with your life).

You tell this bloke that his problem’s solution is NOT ejecting you from your home.

he needs to give his tenants notice and free up that property so he can see his kids there.

you need to end this. but with guile and savvy. You need to do whatever it takes - lie and con the fucker if you have to - but get your degree, manage your job/career etc, and then get yourself away from him.

the very least he needs to do is provide you with the alternative accommodation

or he could just man up and talk to his kids

his parents are correct, the lie will compound this issue to the kids.

This, absolutely.

Obviously, if it is a same-sex relationship, OP is disguising that fact because they want to get an "unbiased" opinion, i.e. what would the opinion be if it was a straight couple.
I think it is statistically unlikely that OP is a man and the partner is a woman, simply because women don't often lose custody (i.e. the teens would have been living with their father?), but it could be the case.

If OP is in a same-sex relationship (males or females), I can understand how it would hurt bitterly to be told they have to keep it secret. It would hurt anyone, but given the historical baggage it doubly hurts if you are gay.

It may also be a factor in why it has to be kept secret from the teens, if either they or their other parent are homophobic (sadly homophobia is, still, all too common in our society).

Whatever. This is all irrelevant to the OP's situation - the answers are the same.

Number one priority is OP's job and qualification.
SO OP has to stay in the house Mon to Thu, and not tell the employer they have moved as it is a requirement to live in the county.
OP's partner should finance the extra costs of them staying at parents at weekends, and costs for Wednesday evening out (including meal).
If the partner won't hand over money, OP has to stop or reduce payments into the household (I assume a joint house account?) until qualified.

Get the fuck back to the house and get ready for work tomorrow.

Your relationship is likely over and if not then about to be and you cannot afford to lose your job and fail your studies too.
especially so close to completing then.

right now, you have to prioritise yourself. S/He can figure it out with the kids, either by taking them elsewhere or just telling them the truth, yes it’ll come as a surprise but that isnt your problem. That may be harsh but what actual purpose does it serve to keep lying to them?

it’s your house that you co-own and s/he doesn’t get to kick you out, you can’t put your job at risk.

get home tonight.

It would definitely be the end of relationship for me, however I would be taking that other room and he can tell the child he needed to take a lodger in to help pay mortgage, he is choosing his children first that’s fine but you come first for you. Definitely don’t leave as you have paid the monthly bills and pay half of mortgage. When you have qualified and can look elsewhere for a home start the selling process to get what’s yours. There’s no way I’d let him have it all, sounds like he has taken you for a ride and maybe never had any intention of telling his children about you

I cannot get my head around a situation in which you’re risking your job and your degree to move out of your own house because your DP asked you to.

This.