Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

I think you need to reconcile yourself to the fact that he’s not going to tell his children about you. I know that’s what you want but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

And so NOW, having put that to one side you need to work out what works best for you given this less than ideal situation. You need to think really clearly and smartly and stop doing things to try to manoeuvre him into telling the children because that’s not going to happen.

So first - you need to do whatever is needed to hang onto your job and get your degree.

Work out how much you need money-wise to stay away from home one night and travel up to your parents each weekend. Tell your ex how much that is (and also work out what proportion of the bills you will pay when you’ve subtracted the days you won’t be there) and tell him you expect him to pay that as it’s him who wants you to do this when you have a home that you own.

Then sit tight. If he tells you he won’t pay then tell him you’re staying put! It’s him who needs you out and you have every right to be there. If he wants you out enough he will pay. Don’t leave until he gives you the money for next months petrol etc. You are not powerless in this situation - you hold the keys to something he wants very much (your absence) - make him pay for it.

Please don’t let yourself get into a negative situation because you want him to feel bad that you’ve lost your job etc…you will be the biggest loser in that situation not him. Gather your strength and fight for what you need. You can do it!

@FastIser spot on. At the very least, why not pay op to be able to afford this?

not to sound unkind, I am very kind, but have learnt to always look out for number one. In hindsight op shouldn’t have supported his court applications. Or of op sees partner - no idea why op still calls him partner- could have gained access on his own, op may have buried her head in the sand as to what happens when access resumed. This perhaps explains why op feels she needs to comply. I still don’t get it!

I don’t think DP is doing right by the kids, as it happens.

Second partners are not that big a thing in DC’s world. Depressed DC don’t get to control adults - it can be really, really bad for them to do so.

I’d leave for the first couple of weeks and then stay as normal.

The psych troubles of DC1 won’t be fixed by you losing your home.

Whether you want a suicidal teen for company is another matter.

I’m sorry you have no friends near you

I asked about a partner so if she has one and kids know that he can tell the kids about you

This man is awful - he is the one who messed up here. If he has been granted access, he had plenty of time to introduce you into their lives and this would not be happening. This is on him - he is treating you very badly - dump him

He doesn’t get to ‘allow’ you in your own property!

Are you scared of him? Why are you letting him make these demands on you?

What do you mean, he wouldn’t allow you in the house? You own it.

What would he do if you just sat there and said you weren’t leaving? Are you scared of him?

I would read your contract. When I took on a masters paid by my company, there was a clause stating that if I left the course or left my employment for up to 3 years after completing I would have to pay the cost of the masters.

comuted 90 miles every day when I left a DV situation. I had a 6 month old baby and was leaving at 5am and getting home at 7pm every day. I did this for two years. It knackered me and my car but it was worth it. You have to do this two months to complete your course, you can do this and if he won’t subsidise the cost then as other posters say take it out of the bills. At two months reassess. Explain to work, they maybe able to help you out considering loosing a employee they have spent thousands on training wouldn’t be in their best interest.

then when the dust settles you need to get rid of this man. He’s selfish and cruel. It’s his issue which he could resolve if he told the kids the truth or simply gone himself to family. There were options he did not explore.

Are you scared of your partner?
Im so confused.

Partner will not allow you to stay in your own home??
How can he stop you??
Is he violent ?
He has no right to kick you out.
So like others have said we dont get why you agreed to it or why you still are ?

@Quackduck I’d go to my parents when I had to untill I’d secured my degree , while looking for a new place of work .
I wouldn’t move out full time right now . I’d want to but you relocated for him , so you have to do what is best for your future .
Without him

Awful man
if he really must keeep you secret then he needs to rent another air bnb or flat to see his kids in not kick you out of your home. Move back in until you finish your degree and tell him this.

I agree. And then chuck him.

It is against the law for your partner to stop you entering a house that you own. You don't need to do what they say. You have legal rights. Are you scared of your partner? As your partner owns another property, that they rent out I presume that they have more disposable income than you. If they want to keep you away from their children, they can rent somewhere else until you have finished your qualifications. Do not let them ruin your life. Find your anger and put up a fight.

If you own the house together, could he not just say you are renting the house together. Is there a spare room you can use. Fucked if I would move out of the house I owned, he could go home to his parents, stay at a pals, rent a hotel room to see his child. I know thats not the best idea, but its his problem to solve. I do think you need to drop him though

Move into the spare room, let him tell the kids he's got a lodger. Don't do any relationship-ish things with him when the kids aren't there. If he expects sex tell him to get stuffed. Finish your training, bin him off and sell the house. He's nuts.

The twat has used you OP to secure access and relationships with his kids. He's awful.

If I were you, I would be trying to keep to my course until it is done. I might also talk to my workplace in confidence about what is going on. If you have to take a loan to cover renting a room it would be worth it in the long run.

Once you have your qualification, I would be looking at ending the relationship and forcing sale of the house. Give up on him telling his kids. However, even if he did, he has shown he is willing to put you in a horrible situation without regard to your feelings. People have commented on his responsibility to his kids, and they are right. BUT. You cant just check out of a 2 year relationship where you bought a house together either. Its a horrible situation, but he is not handling it well at all.

I am guessing this has blindsided you. I am so sorry.

I would put the house up for sale and rent I. An hmo on credit card whilst waiting to sell. Yes, you have been used big time.

not to be unkind, some people when faced with a teen who overdoses would lose all perspective. To me that would be a red flag and a good indication to NOT enter into thus relationship or leave it as soon as I became aware. It is therefore NOT surprising he use using that teen as an excuse not to introduce you to the other teen. Clear as day light. Op ignored all the warning signs and he took full advantage of you. Were you keen on being in a relationship ?

Why does it not make sense Plenty of men want women to go 50/50 when it suits.........usually financially, yet also want her to behave like a 1950s housewife when it suits

I can actually hear your panic, your worry, your fear but you HAVE to be strong here. It is your house, he cannot not 'allow' you to be there.

Your job is at risk, your livelihood, your means of literally feeding yourself. You have to man up and get back there, protect yourself and your job first, and then slowly deal with the fallout from this.

I say again, he cannot tell you to leave. Do not go anywhere. You have agency in all of this.

You own the home too! He doesn't get to dictate whether you're there or not.

BTW - I would not be paying 50/50 bills when you are effectively chucked out for half the week. Use the money from those to pay for your petrol which you finish your course.

I bet ppl more ppl would be telling her to stand her ground and stay in the home she pays HALF THE MORTGAGE on, if she also had her own kids Once again you are expected to bend if you havent reproduced.

If you are a Co owner, he cannot force you to leave. STBX can call the police, they will not make you leave if you are a co owner.

Let STBX have tantrum or rant or whatever. This person is fucking with your home, your livelihood, and your degree. Time to get mad and dig in. You need your home to be just that for the next month or two.

Do you think STBX used you financially to help purchase this house and now that they got the custody order they want, fuck you? They don't get to go that.

This is not just STBX putting kids ahead of you. It's depriving you of the living space that you jointly own and pay for with little notice. He can't do that. It doesn't deprive his kid of living space. They're just unwilling to tell them there's a partner involved.

if this is court ordered family time, within private law, it makes absolutely no sense that this wasn’t thought out and planned.

CAFCASS would be involved, and have had an in depth discussion with your partner about their living situation, relationships, lifestyle etc … they need this information in order to advise the court in the best interest of the children. IE what life will look like for the child if they share time with the non resident parent.

your partner has either lied to the court throughout the proceedings and said they live alone , or early on in the court process has said you are moving out and given a date this will happen .

I can’t really understand why this has happened last minute?

Court dates are set in advance, with clear guidance of what decisions are being looked at. there is also generally a case management hearing between the initial application and the final hearing. Where the judge checks in that everyone is doing what they agreed to and it’s all on track for the final hearing.

this makes no sense to me… and I am a professional with experience of this process.