Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

Bloody hell @Quackduck he can’t make you leave your own house?

Move back in. He needs to work out an alternative arrangement or get you onside, not this with you about to lose your job and not qualify!

He needs to be honest with the kids. Otherwise they will find out he has been lying to them - you can’t live a lie?

why can’t he sod off elsewhere? The absolute nerve of him …

I’d not entertain this anymore. You pay half for the house that he’s hosting his kid in but he wants you to pay more to hide yourself?

Are you secretly a doormat, do you have ‘mug’ tattooed across your forehead.

Id tell him tonight ‘that was the last time’.

Well he should have stayed living there until he had told his kids about you and you had met them. Instead of you moving out to please him, he should be spending some of that rent money on a hotel/b&b until he has the balls to tell his kids about you. Tell him you are not moving out and that is the end of the matter and don't be drawn into any further discussion about it

Once a week I have to sit in my car or wander the streets/local parks or find an alternative place until 9/9.30pm from finishing work, I wouldn’t be able to access my own home from when teen B finishes school.

I have to pay out of pocket for a meal.
Leave my home every weekend, out of pocket.

Go out, sit in your car. But why SHOULD I have to do that when I own 50% of a home? Purchase 50% of the food..pay 50% of the bills.

Partners parents have also told partner it may have worse outcomes if partner eventually tells kids and they find out partner has been lying to them for all of this time. They told partner they may start to think what else has partner lied to them about.

They told partner they would not be part of the lie and would tell the kids the truth if they were asked. They told partner they do not want to be dragged into the lies.

Partner walked out of that conversation as I was present with them. Partners parents are on the same ground as me, kids need to be told.

@Quackduck You don’t have to do any of that. It has already been said by several people that you’re a joint owner and your partner can’t force you to stay out. You CHOSE to move your stuff out. Move it all back in and concentrate on your education whilst he sorts this issue out with his children. He has another house he can stay at with the kids, once he’s evicted his tenants and then the costs are all his own to bear.

Well, then don't do any of that. Move back into the house you have equal access rights to, stand your ground, see your degree through and let him come up with plan B. Neither of you can legally force the other to vacate, he's relying on your goodwill. He doesn't deserve your goodwill. Secure your qualification, go grey rock for the next few weeks to do so, then seek legal advice to force a sale, take your money and run.

Most of us have been saying that you shouldn't have to do that. It is your home, you pay the same as him and he has thrown you out. You need to move back in or demand that he repays the money you have spent on the mortgage and bills this month.

He can't remove you from your own home, particularly if it means that you will lose your job and can't complete your qualification. What do your parents say? Aren't they furious too? Could they lend you the money for a hotel until you can either get the money from your partner or move back in.

I'm sorry, OP; what a dreadful situation for you. Clearly the relationship is over. But I don't see why you moved out of the home you own together. Time to start thinking sensibly and stop allowing yourself to be pushed into the position of victim. You bought the home together. He therefore has no right to demand you leave just because he's afraid of what will happen when his kids find out he has a girlfriend. As you keep pointing out, you have absolutely everything to lose - your home, your job and your qualification. Why are you allowing this to happen? I don't understand your post about having already had this conversation with your ex - he can't force you to leave, so don't. Say again, you need to stay until you finish your qualification and then if he wishes to separate, the property will need to be put up for sale and you will continue to live in it until it sells and you get half the proceeds, as you can't afford to move elsewhere. It's not a great solution for anyone, but needs must.

But you dont have too. Thats the point.
You are choosing to agree to this.
Just say no.
What can he do? force you?
He can either tell the truth (which in the longrun they will be angry he hasn't )
Or he move out .

It's a horrible situation to be in but you should not make your situation worse by risking losing your job until you finish your qualification.

Suck up the schedule for the next few weeks until you finish your qualification in October.

Partner needs to contribute to petrol costs for the weekends you have to go to your parents.

On the Wednesday afternoons, take a packed lunch from home to reduce needs to buy expensive food. Use the library for as long as possible for a free place to hang out, then use the free wifi at McDonalds and nurse a coffee for an hour or two until you can go home.

Use all this time you are waiting to make specific plans to sell the house, get a new job closer to your family how to get yourself back on the property ladder on your own.

Don't just give up the house and lose your job.

Or as other people have said - just don't move out, don't leave the house on Wednesdays, don't leave the house on the weekends.

You are a joint owner - why did you move out?

You shouldn’t have to, but your partner has strung you a lie and it will do you no good to dig your heels in and force his child to know of your existence so what’s the alternative?

You might be thinking that the problem would be solved if he would tell his children about you but while it might make things better for you, it wouldn’t make anything better for the children involved. You have to take some responsibility for getting into this situation because it was never going to be sensible to make such a big financial commitment to a man who was fighting to see children who knew nothing about you, especially when you have made your future career dependent on it.

Your focus needs to be finishing your qualification, not saving this relationship. There is nothing you have said that means you can’t stay in your own home and your partners comments about being forced to choose and other rubbish is irrelevant. You can stay in your room when the child is not there and he can sleep in his child’s bed and deal with the inconvenience of hiding it from his children involved. You’d be doing nothing more than asserting your right to some basic respect. Then when you have more space to think, you get legal advice about getting yourself off that mortgage and start rebuilding.

This. Or woukd your dp pay for you to stay in a hotel midweek?

If you've purchased a home together, then you jointly own the house. Your partner can no more ask you to leave, than you can him. Expecting you to leave your home once night a week is one thing, but an entire weekend too - that's not acceptable. I understand he wants to put his children first, but he isn't a single man living on his own, he's living with a partner. He needs to be upfront with his children about his relationship status and living arrangements. If he's not willing to do that, then he should be moving out, and finding somewhere else to live, not expecting you to make that sacrifice. He's the one who refuses to be honest, he's the one with the children. He owns another property that he rents out - then another option is to give his tenants notice, and for him to move into the property with his children or you move into it. Or he uses some of the rent money to help you fund somewhere to live temporarily, whilst you finish your training. He shouldn't be putting you in a position where your job and end qualification are in danger of being lost. Your priority is your job and your end qualification, and you need to move heaven and earth to make sure you don't lose that.

You don't have to do any of that. If you want to be in a house you co-own, whether on Wednesday or any other day, you can. It's up to your co-owner what he tells his child. If it's a difficult conversation, tough-he could have made it easier by telling the child a long time ago.

Don’t lose your job or your degree.

Move back in and let your ex partner figure out what he needs to do to facilitate his children.

Was thinking something similar. You have chosen to accept his demands. Maybe time to start exerting your authority, abd say yog’re not leaving. It’s okay in the sumner, but different on a winters night.

If you're moving out, is he buying you out of the house or will the house have to be sold and split the money? Could you get a loan from your parents to tide you over so you can rent/airbnb for a bit? I think he's right to put his children first but I wouldn't be prepared to vacate my own home for visitation so I think you're doing the right thing moving out. I wouldn't continue a relationship with him as I think he's got enough on his plate dealing with his children and simply won't have the extra time or energy to invest in your relationship. I think you would become increasingly frustrated and upset to be honest.

As pp have said, he can’t enforce this without your consent. Withdraw consent. You need your job and qualification. What he is doing is a form of financial or emotional abuse.

Also his parents agree with you! You are not the one being unreasonable here; he has got to tell his child(ren) the truth.

This is all very odd. You own a house together so you have as much right as your partner to live in it. Of course you don’t move out. It’s your home. You’ve not answered OP, but are you both women and your partner has never admitted this to their children?

Why are you being so passive, OP? The house is jointly owned, he can't make you leave. This relationship is dead now anyway so no point worrying about the consequences of not doing what you are told, time to put yourself first and move back in so you get your qualifications. If he doesn't want his teen to know he has a live in girlfriend then the onus is on him to find alternative accommodation, not you.

Once a week I have to sit in my car or wander the streets/local parks or find an alternative place until 9/9.30pm from finishing work, I wouldn’t be able to access my own home from when teen B finishes school.

I have to pay out of pocket for a meal.
Leave my home every weekend, out of pocket.

Go out, sit in your car. But why SHOULD I have to do that when I own 50% of a home? Purchase 50% of the food..pay 50% of the bills.

You shouldn't do it.

Your partner expecting you to do it is him being utterly willing to fuck you over.

However, from your posts you are going to walk away from your job and your course and fuck yourself over long term

So you have three choices -

1 - you tell him to fuck off and refuse to leave your home at any point.
2 - you have him pay for a hotel midweek, travel to your parents and all out of pocket expenses until your course is finished.
3 - you pack it all in and allow him to fuck your career long term.

4 hour round trip to work sounds horrific, but cant you manage this for 1 month?? Then you're paid again, and instead of paying a mortgage, youre paying rent. House goes on the market or he buys you out.

Guy sounds like an arse and you're handing yours to him on a plate!

No, you shouldn’t have to do this. But you do have choices. And right now, the choices you are making are going to backfire on you @Quackduck Your priority has to be your own long term financial stability. That means finishing your degree and protecting your financial investment in the house.

Move back into your home. The one you own. Go to work tomorrow as normal. You are studying for an exam and your degree is so nearly finished. So for the next few weeks, you use that mid week evening to revise for your October exam. Find a library or a quiet cafe. Use that time to your advantage.

As for the weekends, either stay with your parents or check the prices of your local Premier Inns or Travelodges.

I know that you don’t have the money for this. Tell your partner that he has to contribute to the costs of you staying away. In all likelihood, the every weekends may not even happen. If he refuses, tell him that you can’t sleep elsewhere.

Get through to the exam. Get your degree and than reassess. And if you decide that you want the relationship to end, tell him and then get an estate agent round to start the valuation process.

This is all incredibly difficult for you and my heart goes out to you. But by goodness, take out the emotions. Park them and deal with them after you have finished your degree.