Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

can't you find a cheap shared accomidation in the area or someone looking for a lodger?

This whole situation screams he isn't ready for a relationship anyway, and you need to see that and move on.

I don’t have 2 mortgages.

Homeless does not mean you are living exclusively on the street.
When I left my parents council house they downsized to a 1 bedroom bungalow, because parents health declined, one parent is disabled because of health issues a larger house was overwhelming for them and not suitable as one parent can no longer access stairs and needed one level floor of accommodation. They have 4 rooms, a bedroom, with equipment for parent, a wet room, a kitchen and a living room.

I do not have a room here, I have the sofa, it reclines luckily.
So yes I can be classed as homeless, it is not a permanent home.

I would put money on him not wanting them to meet you because of something they might tell you about him.

A HMO is £650 p/m without bills in my area. I cannot afford that. Our combined mortgage payment is less than that.

But you OWN a home, that sounds reasonably large as you were able to portion off a section of land to sell to your partners' parents so they could build their annexe.

You have not been kicked out of your home and you are not fleeing domestic violence so you have made yourself intentionally homeless.

I can't imagine this puts you anywhere near the top of the list for a room in a b&b

You're not paying that mortgage anymore, tell him, from now on it's HIS mortage. You're not paying for a house you can't use. Have him pay your part of the mortgage and get your money back.

The 2 mortgages comment was not stating that you currently have 2 mortgages. It was asking you if you plan to have 2 mortgages - your current one and one for a shared ownership mortgage which they assumed must be what you meant by social housing as you would never get a council house.

Sleeping on your parent's sofa when you own half a house that you have simply chosen to move out of purely to appease your partner does not qualify you as homeless.

But you do have a mortgage and you are a home owner. You have to imagine how the housing officer will see this situation. While you may currently be sleeping on the sofa at your parents’ house, the social housing provider will look at your situation and point out what we have all said, that you are not homeless, because your partner has no legal power to enforce this situation and you could choose to move back in.

I sympathise with your point about what if he turns violent, I too have a DV history and it marks you for life; but unfortunately, unless he has a history of aggression or DA towards you, and you have made some sort of record of that, they will just say it’s not their problem, there’s no evidential basis for your fears, and then you’re back to square one of being told to move back in or left to fend for yourself.

I really think that the solution to your problem is to make it your ex partner’s problem by enforcing your right to stay in the house you are paying for. If you do this- taking any steps you need to feel safe- then you force him to make alternative arrangements or to tell Teen B about you. Or he funds your alternative local accommodation, as it’s his requirement and not yours (and you can’t afford it). Either that or you get legal advice and enforce selling the house, to limit the time this state of affairs goes on for.

There’s no other solution that makes any sense or really is feasible, until the two of you can sell the house and you then have the option of looking for somewhere else to live. While you make it easy for him to pretend you don’t exist, he has no incentive to sell up or tell his kids.

Tell him that you leaving for x and y time is not an option, end off. It's YOUR home and you're paying for it. If he wants to be with his kids and not see you he'll need to make arrangements or find an airnbnb on those days.

Basically tell him to f-ck off.

Thread is pointless, OP is determined to martyr herself and destroy her entire life and livelihood needlessly, on the say so of her partner, when all she has to do is tell partner to shut the fuck up, move back into her home and crack on with her life until the house can be sold.

At time of posting I had NOT YET discussed with work, I took 1 sick day and and asked for an urgent meeting with management via phone which took place yesterday.
We went through policies, options, notes I needed for to give for continuity for the person / people who would have to pick up my tasks.

Work do not expect me to drive 2-3 hours each way every day I am working. Even they can see that would be completely unreasonable.

No I cannot take all the time in the world however they have understood this is not something that can be resolved in 1 week.

He sounds incredibly weak and a truly shit dad, lying to his kids about his girlfriend. I would just refuse to go. Not your problem that he’s got such a shit relationship with his kids that he needs to “rebuild”. Then I’d sell and take my share. I’d tell him that if he wants you out then he needs to buy you out. Otherwise when his kid comes round you will be there watching telly, cooking dinner etc.

Ex housing here. You will not be classed as homeless. You legally own a house and therefore have legal rights to return to it and no actual reason to prevent you from entering the property.

Another one here that doesn't understand why you can't just sit in the annexe when kids round. Parents seem quite reasonable and on your side, even as temporary measure until you finish your studies and qualify?

Err this

In my area you might get something in 2038 or 2039 at the earliest. As there's a lot of demand and prioritization is done on need. But you don't have any needs as such. Just a dick head partner who wont "allow" you to go to the property you own on certain days

Increasingly l have to agree, it's really not going anywhere

This

As i said earlier those replies would have been different if the OP had her own kids.

Do you own that house?

I see you do.

About time it went on the market or he buys you out.

You have as much right to it, child or not, as he does

Not sure why you thought you could be classed as homeless OP.

The only circ in which that might apply is if you went home and he did become threatening - then you could be accommodated in a B&B.

You're not homeless. You have a house that you refuse to return to.

You have a say in this situation and you are essentially being a doormat. Surely a "tense/toxic situation" is preferable to losing your job and the qualification you've worked for?

This is your partner's issue to resolve, not yours. What do you want from this post?

There’s no way you’d get a council house. You OWN a home. They’ll class you as intentionally homeless.

You need to look into 'intentionally homeless'. Your story keeps twisting and turning the more you post.

Are you serious ? I lived with my dear mum who also loved me and as a teen i could not stand being around her and even ran away from home once just to not live under a home with normal rules. Teenagers can be like this without the parent being at fault.

clearly its his house and the kids shall benefit from it and not the girlfriend. I guess he is just showing her she is secondary