Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

The majority of the solicitor's fees can come out of the proceeds of the sale.
So don't start worrying about that.

and of course your partner will be paying 50% of all costs.

And as the situation is so dire you can instruct one of these ' we buy any house ' companies, after all you have nothing else to lose - you are already not living there due to your selfish lying partner.

Oh what a web of deceit has been woven...

Did you manage to lose your job and fail your course yet?

I'm guessing it's medical/surgical if mistakes cannot be made.

' Partner asks if we are attending x event on x date, I tell partner to take someone else. Parter says they only want to attend x event with me.'

Stop making it so easy for partner.

Partner does not go to x event then if unable / unwilling to go without you.

Simple.

Op the way your DP has handled this sounds awful. It sounds like they/he/she also handled the breakup with previous mother/father of children terribly and this is why the children have coped so badly.

You need to cut contact. Your DP sounds totally delusional and manipulative tbh lying to courts, children and ignoring your previous feeling and even ignoring when you tell them the relationship is over.

In this situation you would be entirely reasonable to move back to your parents. But block the ex - they will just try to drag you back into this toxic nightmare. You sound like you have an important job and have already spoken to employer and explained the toll on your MH this has taken. See if you can defer finishing your course. It does sound like you are not in right headspace for this. But you won’t ever be in right headspace living in this toxic mess your DP has created with all these lies and at the end of the day - 2 terribly vulnerable teen children suffering by sounds of it. Get the DP out of your life, focus on your MH and then turn back to your career

I don’t think your partner has the space in life for a relationship atm. Your partner has to prioritise the children but I wouldn’t expect you to wait around. Time to split I think.

Your partner could see the children away from the house until it’s sold.
Your partner could move out and rent their own place from which to see their children until your joint house is sold.
You could speak to a solicitor and apply for an occupation order.
Your partner is mean and untrustworthy.

I have time to contact local councils, apply to be put on a housing register, register as homeless with the council, contact housing associations.
House sales do not happen overnight buying out does not happen over night.

If work sacked me, I would have some strong grounds for an unfair dismissal case.

It gives me time, also people are not considering I may not want to live in that house again.

@Quackduck you only moved out though because of your partners request. If you had just said no and not even entertained it then the responsibility would have shifted onto them to move out / sort something so you could continue with work etc. Unfortunately I think you have made a rod for your own back here. 😢

also people are not considering I may not want to live in that house again.

Well tbf you're being as vague af, people have no choice but to guess.

I'm only reading this thread out of passing interest now, you've been pretty ungrateful for all the advice you've been given on here, lots of people have taken time to try and help and all you do is ignore and then drip feed some more.

Can’t believe people are saying he’s doing the right thing by kicking the OP out of her own home that she co-owns. Fuck. That. Shit. If his teens can’t handle her existence then he has to get an Airbnb for the weekends he has contact with them.

Then what exactly are you asking here? If you're just looking for support in doing this, why didn't you share it in your OP, instead of coming across like you wanted suggestions on how NOT to lose your job?

I'm astounded op.

It's your house, your home, and you are allowing your partner/ex partner to dictate your comings and goings, while your life crumbles around you.

Your job, training, your entire FUTURE depends on you living in that area - you have a home but your dp is making it impossible for you to stay there!?

You need to find your ANGER op. It's your home and your entire life. You cannot be forced to move out to accommodate his DC - he's fibbed (at best) to CAFCASS and the courts and lied (by ommission) to both you and the dc.

He needs to find a solution to this problem of his own making, that doesn't result in you becoming homeless and subsequently unemployed and broke!

Thank you for seeing it from my point of view. I understand people telling me to move back in it’s my house too, I’m not denying that. Tell partner to move out, tell partner to do this. But it is clearly going to be / create a toxic environment that would impact on my wellbeing and my job yet very few people have taken this into consideration at all and the impact it would have on me.

I do this and partner (I’m not saying partner would) turns violent, I then suffer domestic abuse?

I have suffered domestic violence before, I was battered by an ex partner in a foreign country years ago on holiday left with broken ribs, a bruised spine, covered in blood and could barely walk without being in excruciating pain for weeks, 4000 miles from home, I was frightened, so much I refused to report it to the police. Ex partner would make remarks about pushing me down the stairs, ex partner then went on to be violent and abusive to further partners and is now in prison for strangulation and GBH.

Having a partner turn violent is not something I want to risk or go through again.

I'm not saying it's not a shit situation but you appear to be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. You'd leave your job and your degree right this minute instead of temporarily working around the problem?

It sounds like your partner will only have their child from after work until 930 on Wednesdays. Sounds like an ideal opportunity for them to go do an activity together and dinner out so that you can stay home on Wednesdays. Yes, you will still have to go to your parents on the weekends but this would allow you time to finish your degree and find another job (2 months) and IF you are able to put up with it longer (6-9 months) get the house sold.

And if work sack you it will be because you have moved out of the area and are unable to actually do your job or complete the training they are no doubt spending £££ on. I can't see you have any grounds for unfair dismissal!?

Do you have children, that are dependant and live with you, or are you pregnant ?

From Google:

A local authority has a duty to assist any person at risk of or experiencing homelessness, providing free advice and information about homelessness and the law. The specific duty to provide accommodation only applies if the applicant is eligible, in priority need (e.g., has dependent children, is pregnant, has a disability or other vulnerability), and is not intentionally homeless. They also have a duty to prevent homelessness and to relieve it, and in some cases, an interim duty to accommodate and a longer-term duty to secure accommodation.

Prevention and Relief Duties (Prevention Duty and Relief Duty)

To anyone threatened with homelessness:
Local authorities have a duty to prevent homelessness by assessing housing needs and creating a Personalised Housing Plan (PHP) for eligible individuals who are likely to become homeless within 56 days.
To anyone in the relief stage:
This duty is to help the person secure suitable accommodation to prevent them from becoming homeless within 56 days.
Main Housing Duty (Main Duty)
To eligible applicants in priority need who are not intentionally homeless:
If homelessness cannot be prevented or relieved, the local authority has a statutory "main duty" to secure accommodation for the applicant.

Priority need groups
can include:
Families with dependent children

Pregnant women

People who are vulnerable due to a physical or mental disability, illness, or other reason

Young people aged 16 or 17 not in care, or young people aged 18-20 at risk of sexual or financial exploitation

Those who became homeless due to a natural disaster, such as a fire or flood

Op what advice are you looking for here? That’s been my question since about page 3 of the thread and I still don’t get it. I’m very sympathetic to your situation and I do understand the mental health toll you’re talking about, but we’re all trying to help.

I don’t think you should put up with this nonsense. It’s your home and he has no right to kick you out to appease him and his cowardice. This sounds horribly stressful

'I have time to contact local councils, apply to be put on a housing register, register as homeless with the council, contact housing associations.'

The Council will find very quickly that you are not homeless, you own half of a house with a mortgage...

Thus in many many many Local Authorities will render you not eligible for social housing as there are not enough properties for those in need.

unless you mean a shared ownership property through a social housing provider, I would be surprised if you were allowed 2 mortgages at the same time given the circumstance re your job / studying etc. that you have highlighted earlier.

You won't get a council/association house. Because you already have a house. You've just chosen to move out of it.

Work are understanding and allowing me and have told me explicitly to take time off because in work we cannot make mistakes, we cannot get this wrong, work understand the impact this is going to have on my mental wellbeing and ability to efficiently perform in my role, work understand my family live hours away, work understand my situation.
Work are not going to say, if you are not at your desk on Thursday you are sacked.
They are willing to give me time to sort out my situation and do what is best for me and not have the added pressure of facing losing my job.
Do you not think I have had an in depth discussion with management about this?

If my partner had suggested I move out of our house, I would laugh in his face and suggest he seeks help for his batshit nonsense.

Yet your opening post was all about how you were going to lose your job on Monday (yesterday) because you couldn't drive hundreds of miles a week back and forth to your parents house, and so were going to be jobless as well as homeless as well as fail/lose your training course/degree. But now its all totally fine? Now you can just take all the time off you need and wait for a council house? Now your only issue appears to be that your pesky partner won't accept its over and still wants to attend events with you?.....OK.

This.

Why on earth would you think you were eligible for a council house? You are single, employed, and own your own house.