Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

You did already use 'he' when referring to your partner in a previous post, and it does make it a little more confusing to read with the vague pronouns, but obviously absolutely up to you whatever information you wish to share.

I hope you've figured out a way to keep your job, even short-term, and complete your course. Your partner sounds weak-willed and it's frustrating to read you making life easy for him by walking away without a fight - though I definitely understand the urge to prioritise protecting yourself/your emotions. I hope everything works out well for you, and I hope you know you are so well rid of this relationship!

I still dont get why you agreed to leave when kids are visiting.
You make it sound like you had no choice.
But you really could have said no.
Then he would have to tell the truth or find somewhere else to stay with them.

I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous. It's your home and you cannot be made to leave it. Particularly when it will cost you not just your job but your career by the sounds of it.

It's down to your partner to work out how to manage visitation - the simplest way would be for him to be honest with his child, of course. If he chooses not to be, then he needs to make, and pay for, alternative arrangements for when his child visits.

Was about to say the same

why can’t you stay with the in-laws as a friend when kids are there. Esp if you get on well with them

Teen B asks to see grandparents everytime they are round which is why it is not possible.

Work are well aware of my situation, Work have been aware of my situation since I left. I ensured to give them plenty of notice. Work recommended that I take some time off, for my own mental health and wellbeing. I am not saying what I do for work, but we cannot make mistakes however small, it could have serious consequences, I do not work a normal 9-5 office job.

Agree the whole thing is absolutely ridiculous and the kids are being lied to on a daily basis

Every post from the OP is about what the partner wants and how everyone has to bend over backwards to facilitate his deceit. And the OP is rolling over to accept being banned for their own home that they pay for

So what happens when the kids find out every adult in their lives has lied to them and potentially broken the law? I doubt they’ll want anything g to do with daddy dearest then.

What a fucking mess this man has created and everyone else but him is suffering the consequences while he just carries on.

Surely you don’t still want to be in a relationship with this selfish prick OP?

That does not automatically make me female or any other gender. I could be transgender. I could identify as non-binary.

Partners parents have told partner this and explained there could be consequences for lying and how that may make the teens feel. Partner walked out, I was present for this conversation.

As far as I see it, we are currently not together I have moved out. Partner views that we are still in a relationship.

That's not your problem though, you're living in your house so you absolutely don't have to leave!

I have read all of your posts OP but I still don’t understand why you can’t say to your partner “I understand your concerns and difficult situation, but, this is my house as much as it is yours and I’m not going anywhere. If that doesn’t work for you then you’re going to have to find somewhere else to see your children.” And leave it at that? This isn’t your problem to solve.

Agree!

@Quackduck Don't allow your dp to guilt you into leaving, he needs sort this out in a way that doesn't involve you leaving the house. Unbelievable that he also has another home, so he has two houses, whereas you're in danger of becoming homeless despite owning and paying for half this property! No way. You need to stop becoming so accommodating and martyr-ish.

Give it up as a bad job. You're banging your head against a brick wall. It's totally unreasonable to expect you to get out whenever his DC visits and he's not taking your needs into consideration at all. Does he actually want a relationship with you? It looks like maybe he doesn't!

Same.

OP if you're okay with being walked over and treated like this, then you are equally to blame. Get some back bone.

As I have said partner views we are still in a relationship. I view it as we are not together anymore.

If the relationship is over (which it should be) you need to push for him to either sell or buy you out of the house.

This is becoming more and more ridiculous, so the grandparents have an ' annex ' on YOUR land - the land on which YOU and your partner have a jointly mortgaged property.

Where will the grandparents live when the house is sold - as it will need to be as the two of you have clearly split up ?

or will your partner be buying you out ?

Annex is its own private dwelling it is not attached to the house. Has its own address and own access.
For example house is 64 Zoo Lane
Annex is 64a Zoo Lane.

Address is obviously not real.

@Quackduck it sounds like you are making this far more complicated than it needs to be. You own half the house. That is your home. You stay. You don’t move out. If your partner has not come up with a plan within the last 2 years about where he would have his kids then that’s his issue. They need to find the solution. It’s up to them to move out on those days elsewhere / find alternative accommodation. Why on earth have you moved out? They are taking the absolute piss out of you but you’re letting them and I don’t understand why? Not to mention they are lying to the court about the living situation. 🙈

100% - the whole thing is ridiculous and they’re all bending over backwards to facilitate this lying pricks ludicrous demands.

But we’re banging our heads against a brick wall because the OP is just putting up their own barriers to every bit of advice given.

I never suggested it was attached to YOUR home / the property you have a mortgage with your partner on, I suggested it is on your land.

So did you and your partner sell part of your land so they could build this property on

and thus there are title deeds etc for this ' annex ' ?

Where will the grandparents live when the house is sold - as it will need to be as the two of you have clearly split up ?

or will your partner be buying you out ?

Just tell him it’s over - then he’ll know

You own the house!!!! No way should you have moved out.
This relationship is never going to bring you what you need.
He needs to buy you out/sell the house.
I'm so sorry, this is so horrible for you!

I am also allowed to consider my own mental wellbeing and take a break for my own sanity.
House sales take months, solicitors aren’t free either.

But how will it help your mental health if you lose your job and your livelihood and everything you've been studying towards, for your future?

……You think I haven’t said that?
Partner wants relationship and kids. I have told partner numerous times, partner cannot have relationship without telling kids.
Partner won’t tell kids.
I tell partner there is no relationship.
Partner asks if we are attending x event on x date, I tell partner to take someone else. Parter says they only want to attend x event with me.