Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

If it's not the right time after two years of living together then it's never going to be the right time. I am very sorry but you will need to be strong and end the relationship and move on. This relationship has no future. You need to rescue the rest of your life - your money, your job, your degree - so you don't lose those as well.

Your partner should never have agreed to buy a place together before they were ready to reveal the relationship to their children. That was a very selfish thing they did.

This is nuts. If it is your home, your partner can’t throw you out. I assume the relationship is over now. Move back to your house and make the kids his problem. He is allowed to choose his kids over you, he isn’t allowed to use your home to do it. If you choose to move out of your home, you are choosing to give up everything.

I haven't read all the suggestions, but could you agree to tell teens that you are renting a room as you're studying/training nearby? For now? so you can stay in the house and complete your qualification? Then rethink the relationship when you've completed the course.

But yes I too wouldn't be leaving a house that I legally half pay for to wander the streets when he has his dc over.

I normally believe kids come first. However you own half the house, and therefore he can’t assume you have to move out .

i would present him with a choice, he pays for you to stay somewhere mid week, and Sunday evening so you are not spending lots of time communicating, so therefore you can stay at your job, or you will be staying at home

Why does she have to enable his lies and deceit?!

She doesn't have to, but she feels she has no option other than to leave the house. He's obviously bullying her out of her own house and it will impact her job prospects negatively. She could lose her job. Hence the suggestion. she needs to stay in the area by hook or by crook.

We (rightly) berate men all the time for putting themselves first and not doing enough for their kids. On the face of it, here’s a man who is trying not to upset his child, who has attempted suicide and has MH problems, and who is putting his kids first.

What an impossible situation, to own the house together as well.

So effectively is that your relationship over and your home snd job ? What do you propose is the solution? Obviously your partner must realise it is over and rightly putting his children first. This is a horrible situation you are in but i think your next step is to make a new life and concentrate on yourself

Is your partner well off OP?

Can they pay for you to stay locally in a hotel on the relevant nights so you don’t have to miss work?

What do you want @Quackduck?

no One is saying quit degree or travel to mum and dad

we are saying go back to your house ffs

I'm assuming this is a same sex relationship and partner doesn't want the kids to know?

He should pay for you to stay in a local hotel, not expect you to move to your parent's house. Once you have the degree and a new job LTB.

When the CAFCASS person came round I was working that day. I don’t know what was said, I only know the recommendations from what partner told me.
Starting off with telephone calls weekly.
Supervised visit with CAFCASS present for 2 hours - only happened on one occasion.
External bi weekly activities of teen B’s choice this was around 5/6 occasions I can’t remember.
Teen B then asked to be able to go to partners house and see their grandparents - Grandparents live in an annex on the same property as partner.

The last few weeks Teen B has been badgering partners ex to come round, so the last few weeks Teen B has been coming over on non agreed occasions and has been over every weekend or partners ex has changed the day with short notice. The last time this happened it caused issues.

I had my own arrangements to attend to and got picked up by family as they were also attending (so I did not have access to my car). I was around 100 miles from where I live. 10pm ex partner informed partner that the allocated day was not feasible but Teen B wanted to see partner and told said they want to be at partners house from 10.30am - 8.30pm.
Well I was supposed to return that day, I no longer could as family had to be back in their home at a certain time and this could not be changed, so I had to travel back with family 250 miles away, I at this point am still without a car. I asked partner what I was supposed to do? A train ticket was £180 and I cannot get a taxi and they cannot expect family to drive me back home and then they drive back to their house. Partner after speaking to family agreed to drive to my family’s house to collect me.

Partner said they feel like they cannot say no to these arrangements as they didn’t want it to be brought up in court and being non compliant even though it is outside of the agreed dates / times.

The final court date is this week.
Partner has said Teen B has told CAFCASS their wishes, they have written the report and going to court is going to be a waste of time as it has basically already been agreed. I told partner the report is taken into consideration but the judge makes the final decision. Partner said the judge is going to agree everything.

Is there legal recourse from partner not fully informing CAFCASS / the court of their relationship. I don’t have much knowledge on this really.

Why should she have to move out? They’ve committed to living together, it’s not a new relationship. The kids should be told.

IT seems teenB wants to see their dad, alot more than the day and weekend, and he is too scared to say no as he doesn't want them to stop coming. It will only get worse OP, your DP will have you out of your home all week soon. Tell him he has 2 options.
1: Tell his children and the court about you.
2: Move back into his rented home or with his parents.
You are not going anywhere.

His parents live in an anex if I understand correctly the last post. But you are right, it's either tell them the truth, or move out. Or buy out the OP.

After reading your last update, I would say tell your partner to buy you out and move out from this mess. It has been very unfair that you've been paying 50% of mortgage and bills, and have less rights than a tenant.
If his parents live on the same property, are they even contributing to the bills if you are paying 50%?
But money aside, your partner as a parent needs to do everything possible to rebuild his relationship with his child, but it does not mean that you have to put up with being a doormat in the process. If he can't come clean with his child, someone has to move out.

I think this relationship is dead in the water. I would sell the property and move on with my life.

Is there legal recourse from partner not fully informing CAFCASS / the court of their relationship. I don’t have much knowledge on this really.

Why? What would you hope to happen from any legal recourse? Do you want your expartner to be in trouble for not telling Cafcss about you? Are you hoping contact will stop and you can go back to living as if there are no children involved?

Whether there is recourse or not is irrelevant to the position you are in and need to deal with. Your partner is making it clear, as they should, that their relationship with their children is infinitely more important than their relationship with you.

Even if you get what you want and your existence is shouted from the rooftops, it would damage your partners relationship with their children and you would be resented for that. If their relationship continued, they obviously wouldn’t want it to include you any time soon so you’d still be living in a nightmare situation, and all for the sake of being with someone who has so little respect for you that they were willing to let you buy a house that you can’t properly live in.

This whole thread is very weird. Now there’s an annexe on the property?

It feels as though there is quite a lot of obfuscation, drip feeds and missing info despite requests for clarity so OP can get best advice. I think you need legal advice from someone in possession of the whole facts.

There are so many issues with this, I barely know where to start.

I think your partner is obviously lying to some degree. I am no professional but I do have experience of the court process from BiL. It sounds like he's told the courts he is single.

Your course - please don't leave your job/course. You'll only kick yourself when you look back at the opportunity you threw away.

Your house- you can't be asked to leave a home you own. Your partner hasn't planned for anything. Surely if they knew this was happening they could have given their tenants notice on the rented out home and either they take the kids there or you stay there while they have the kids. You also say your partner refused to give you money for costs while you're out of the house? Then surely the response is fine then I won't be going anywhere. Another compromise is that your partner spends the Wednesday visitation out doing activities/at the library doing homework then you only have the weekend to worry about.

Above all though get your degree, get your ducks in a row and leave this person and this situation.

If you really think I am going to go to the court and somehow submit information you’re wrong. I was merely asking a question!

So the times and dates get changed and you have to leave /not be there again.

he is literally taking the piss out of you

he has def lied to the courts about you /living alone as there is bj way they would expect a house owner to leave their property

I mean this nicely. Grow some balls and return to your home that you are paying for - it’s your legal right

I would like to keep some details about my life anonymous, I do not need to put everything here. Hence why I am using partner, they, their, them.

Yes there is an annex on the property.
Partners parents built it out of their own money. I get on very well with partners parents. They have their own supply lines for gas, electricity, water and internet and pay for all their own bills, they have their own address , the annex sits in our garden but it is its own private dwelling in its own right.
Someone suggested partner goes to their parents with the kids. That is why it would not make a difference.

@Quackduck surely you could just stay in the annex with parents on days your partner’s child is there until you are finished your course? I doubt the child will be inspecting their house to see who is there and questioning who they are.

there have been so many suggestions giving here but you seem adamant you must leave your job and your course. Did you go to work yesterday?