Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

OP, this is a dreadful situation all round.

Would your share of the mortgage cover a studio flat? I think I would suggest that you stop paying your share of the mortgage while all this is going on.

Your partner cannot possibly expect you to absent yourself from a house you co-own AND be paying!

Your P is an absolute idiot. There were months of legal negotiations to get contact during which the tenants in the rented home could have been given notice. I do understand that introducing a new partner while re-establishing contact is fraught with difficulty and delicacy.

How was the ex-partner housed after the split? If your P was the sole owner of the home? With 2 kids approaching teenager age? I am wondering if this is the source of the hostility from the ex, and upset from the teens, if they had to move out of their home.

Anyway: I think you should do anything and everything you can to hold on to your job and degree.

Do P’s parents live close?

Long time stepmother here. This is absolutely unacceptable behavior on the part of DP and you are totally enmeshed in this drama whilst he does not even consider you to be part of the family. In his mind you do not count - sorry but this is the harsh truth. Go to work and ask to take the day off. Go see a solicitor (or a charity which offers free legal advice). Good luck.

Agreed. The relationship is over, and at some point the house will need to be sold. But right now the job and qualification is the important thing, so move back in and focus on that. Even if into the box room. Head down, study, work etc and let him get on with it. Once your qualification is done, put the wheels in motion to bring about the sale of the house so you can move on.

If it's jointly your house then I'd refuse.Or he covers the cost. If you had to get somewhere else would be better affected by your lack of contribution to the bills there?

If it's jointly your house then I'd refuse.Or he covers the cost. If you had to get somewhere else would be better affected by your lack of contribution to the bills there?

This is bat shit crazy

for Christ sake woman up and tell him you aren’t moving out of the house you pay for and if he is expecting you to accommodate this then he needs to pay all the costs

stop being a doormat

I'd go back and live in your house, finish your degree and then sort out selling/one buying the other out.

It's your DP's issue to sort, not yours. He can go find an air b and b or something to stay in while he has his child.

Op this is absolutely crazy. Your partner is absolutely dreadful.

As others have said, either you return home and forecast house sale, or they pay for you to stay elsewhere until you qualify. Then you figure out what you want.

You've got into a right mess buying a house with someone who kept you a secret!

I will get 2x the amount of work I do now if I did qualify,

This is the heart of the matter.
OP does not WANT to qualify and get a better job.

OP does not want to be a single person, solely responsible for their own financial future.

^I see all the posts telling me to just move back in, refuse to move, do move pay out go to my parents every weekend, go somewhere midweek, air b&b, rent.
I also have to consider the demands of my job, I will get 2x the amount of work I do now if I did qualify^

I also need to consider the impact it would have on my own mental health, my physical health from having to haul my life each and every week from one end of the county to the other and back again a few days later.

Right, you have a backbone and some degree of intelligence and you can see that, all things considered, the only solution that works for you is to move back until your degree is finished. DP can sort out contact wrt to his kids (or he could pull himself together and stop lying to them).

Surely the only smart play is doing what you must to complete your degree, then end the relationship. Anything else is lunacy.

Move your belongings to the spare room and stay there when the child visits. You'll hopefully be dumping him anyway, so you can be his 'lodger'.

Once qualified, you can deal with the business of selling the house and going your own way.

I wouldn't be moving out, it's your house. He can move out if he wants and he can pay for for the cost of that. I wouldn't give it any head space as none of it's your problem

So what if he says he won’t “allow” you?! Just go in the house! He can call the police but they will say as it’s half your house then you can go in. They won’t want to get that involved

Good luck today. I hope you have someone at work that you can talk things through with.
Your partner is bullying you out of your own home and that is abusive.
Focus on all solutions that protect you and finishing your degree.
Block out everything else.

Right. He says I wont “allow” her; she simply replies she won’t “allow” him to eject her from her own house.

There will be no police nonsense. And even if he tried it, the police would merely point out to him that he has no legal right to prevent her entry to her own home.

Can you book a travel lodge for the weekend. Cheap as chips. Until you get your qualification.
Tell him to go to hell and say you want the house sold. Start the ball rolling splitting up
Cheeky bastard.

You mention his parents who agree that what he is doing is plain stupid and asking for trouble. Would they be prepared to offer you a safe roof over your head for these next few weeks until your study is finished, you've had time to draw breath and plan a sensible, less fraught, way forward?

It's got to be worth asking since they may be willing to lend a hand simply to make up for their son's appalling mistreatment of you. Good luck.

OP has £200 to last the month, including all petrol for commute and for driving as part of their job.

You cannot force your partner to tell the teens about you.
As much as you want this to be the solution, it is just not going to happen.

You are unable to move forward in making any practical decisions about your job and finances and where to sleep, because all you are thinking about is how to "save" the relationship whilst forcing partner to tell the teens.

You are so reluctant to accept practical options that you refer to commuting weekly to sleep at your parents for the weekends, for about two months, as "having to haul my life".
I suspect your fears of the impact to your mental and physical health to be grossly exaggerated. But it suits you to hold on to this narrative and your fears, because you are determined NOT to give up on the relationship and REFUSE to instead turn your attention to saving your job, qualification, and financial independence.
In short, you have your head in the sand.

Since partners parents seem sane and reasonable, could you stay with them on the weekends until you finish your course and Wednesday evenings you just need to toughen up and sit it out at work or in your car or with a friend, with a picnic tea. But jacking your course and job in with weeks left to go is catastrophising and cutting your nose off to spite your face.

The house is 50% yours so see a solicitor asap and force a sale, also discuss ongoing liability for mortgage and bills etc.

Then get yourself some counselling. How on earth did you think it was okay to buy a house with a man whose dependent children don't even know about you. That was a crazy move. This man your with is not a good choice of life partner, work on your self respect and raise your standards.

If partner wants you out at the weekend then he needs to pay for a local hotel for you to stay in, but this needs to be short term. Long term he either tells his kids you live together or he buys you out the house and you split up and go your seperate ways. What he is suggesting is madness, and if you were asking this of him i am guessing he would refuse.

So right, op has decided she doesn’t want to complete her course and using this as a reason not to. As I mentioned earlier check your contract because you may be liable to pay for your course if you don’t complete or leave the company.

And if he HAS lied to the court they might well find out about it if the police come round as it will go on record.

If he has lied to the court then presumably access might not have been granted.

He'll never tell his children about you because it will never be the "right time". He'll continue to string you along with empty promises about telling them whilst making you jump through hoops. Only when it's too late and you've nothing left, will you wish you'd listened to everyone who advised you to kick him into touch and move on.