Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

He wont alllow you in your own house Contact Womens Aid ASAP This is coercive control

Get fucking rid! Kicking you out every weekend?! Not a chance! Move back, find a new job but first of all block that man or you’re in for a life of misery!

Would you be able to stay with partners parents at the weekend? Or can he take DC to stay there? Obviously not a permanent solution, but I really want you to complete your course before you have to leave your job. You can’t let him ruin this for you.

Otherwise I would refuse to leave the house until partner transferred me the cost of a hotel for the weekend.

How long until his tenants lease ends? I would suggest he move back there if he wants to keep this up, which he’ll have to do anyway because if you can’t make something work you’ll need to sell the house if the relationship ends.

I get his need to prioritise the kids and would say it’s a good idea for him to see them alone for now, but the longer he doesn’t even tell them about you, the more hurt and angry they will be when they do find out. He will destroy any relationship he manages to build.

He must have money to help you though or have to find it because if not, he’ll have to find the money to cover 100% of a mortgage and bills.

As other people have said - you own this house too, he is the one that has hidden your existence so this is not your problem to solve. Move back in!

He sounds to be in a better financial position than you if he is renting out another house. If he hasn’t told his DC about you that is his issue to overcome - he has the choice to move out or find another place to stay when he has them.

Take back control. Tell him if he “won’t let you in” when his DC are there you will call the police or get a locksmith as it is also your house. He won’t like the thought of that so will have to rethink his approach. He is a bully!

Anyone that treats you like this is not worth worrying about. It must be hard if you love this person and have lived together for so long but think about your long term future. Don’t sacrifice your future career as you’ll need that if he isn’t around, ensure you stay there at least until you pass your exam in October and then you will be qualified wherever you decide to live. Perhaps discuss whether he wants to buy your share of the property - but only move out after the date of any transfer agreement, and ensure you give yourself enough notice to arrange somewhere else to live.

Please try not to be guilt tripped by him, this hasn’t happened overnight and he has had plenty of time to plan for this and hasn’t - any consequences are down to him. And if he is awkward do follow through on your actions - get a locksmith to change the locks if needed to let you in as you own the property etc. Good luck to you.

I was thinking this

from the little I know via friends who have been via court

they would have checked his living conditions

so he must have lied

@Quackduck This is bonkers. If you own the house & pay the mortgage then no of course you don’t move out!!! You don’t lose funding and your job, no! He has had 2 years….2 whole years to figure something out for if and when he has the kids. If he won’t tell his kids about you then he will have to evict the person living in his other house and have that house for when the kids come over. I would be living in your own house, to ensure you keep your job for now but i would also be telling him it’s over. Sell the house and buy another one nearby your work. Why has it even got to this stage, it’s crazy. … massive red flags here from your partner.

You should go to police because you are being thrown out of a property you own half of with partner.
Did you never tell him he cannot throw you out? Legally he cannot do this. You are an educated woman and should know that.
Your right to be there has nothing to do with DP's children.
YOU could tell him to move out. Get police to escort you back to house. Ridiculous situation.

Stop spiralling & just find way to finish your qualification. It's done in October.

Tell work. See if you can access any support.
Tell him to take child out for food midweek, you're not going anywhere.
Weekends, his problem. If you're prepared to go along with his bullshit as a means to an end, make something up - you're a lodger/friend from work/whatever & stay in the spare room.

After October, if you chose to move out then do not paying towards the bills and -as his lies are the reason you cannot live there - he should also be paying you rent on your 50% until sold.

Thank you @cannyvalley and the others who picked up on the living arrangements point. Were you never part of the court process OP? If you weren’t, did you not think that was strange?

As well as it being terrible to deceive your children in this way, It’s a damning indictment of safeguarding if the partner has managed to lie to the courts about this. And if they haven’t lied, and the other parent picks up on it, they’re going to drop it like a nuclear bomb if they’ve been reporting OPs partner as a druggie. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for his future relationship with them.

And to be honest OP, stop martyring yourself to this. Tell him you will be paying proportionately less of the bills given you won’t be there and suck up the early morning drive on a Monday. And if he’s not agreeable to you paying less, turn up at your house. If he doesn’t let you in, tell him you’ll phone the police to let you in.

If he was that bothered about his kids, he’d have had access in court sooner or he would have been honest with them or he wouldn’t have moved in with you. It’s really that simple. He’s fucked about and now it’s time to find out.

Are you sure that you really part-own the house? Do you have legal documents that say so? Can you confirm with the solicitor you dealt with when the house was bought? I am not convinced that your partner is honest and I am worried that you could be paying half the mortgage on a house you don't even own. Your partner is bossing you around and he has created an absolute mess but it's a mess that suits himself and at your expense.

If you do co-own the house then your partner has no legal right to keep you out of it.

In any case I agree with a pp you should talk to your work - if they've supported you in your studies this far then they will want to help you to complete.

Given that you don't have friends to help you or talk this through then you need some independent advice. If you are studying then make an apppintment to talk to a student advisor, your college or university will have them and it's free. They may be able to help you sort out some of this mess and find better support and a way forward.

How exactly would he stop you being in/or gaining entry to your home? He simply cannot, legally, do that.

Would he be physically violent towards you to remove you from your own home?

This man is an absolute cunt. You can’t accept this OP. You just have to NOT LEAVE. I find it absolutely mindblowing that you’re not only entertaining your abusive partner’s lunacy, you’re enabling it.

.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, fuck him off.

You MUST know that what he is asking is absolutely ridiculous, right? Your partner can't "not allow" you in the house you co-own and live in, no matter what else is going on. I'm assuming partner didn't realise they had children when the two of you bought a house together and has only found out within the past two years, but even so they cannot treat you this way.

If the two of you didn't live together, then it would be appropriate for them to wait a bit before mentioning you and certainly before introducing you, even without the children's specific issues and I agree that they should spend time alone with the child as much as possible while establishing the relationship. But you exist, you're partners, the two of you own a house together and live in it. Even if you were happy to play boarding school holidays multiple times a week and partner was putting you up in a swanky and convenient hotel, they are reestablishing a parental relationship by making up a completely false life and presenting a pack of lies to the child. Partner is asking for this huge sacrifice from you to accomplish something that they shouldn't be doing and that will backfire on them hard if the kids find out the truth.

If partner still wants to lie to their child(ren), that's their choice but PARTNER has to be making the hard sacrifices, not you.

Some other options:

1. Partner sees child somewhere else - a relative's house, hotel, Air BnB - doing the in and out pattern that they proposed that you do.
2. Partner moves into a rental apartment (or whatever's available) and continues to pay their share of the mortgage, utilities, whatever until you can find a boarder or housemate.
3. Partner rearranges their allocated time so that they see the child only during the day and not overnight during the week, and takes them away on weekends.
4. Partner goes to the children's other parent's house to see the child(ren), arranging days out and weekend trips when possible, which may limit contact if the other parent isn't comfortable with having partner stay.
5. Partner pays for a nice hotel or airbnb close to your office for the nights child will spend at your house, and shortens the hours on the non-overnight days so it's reasonable for you to come home a bit late one or two weekday evenings, but not so late it interferes with work.
6. Partner moves into a spare bedroom and introduces you to the children as a flatmate. Which may not end up being a lie as it's the most I would be to your partner if I were in your place and this person expected me to do what they're trying to bully you into doing.

Good luck, don't move out, and if you have left MOVE BACK IN!! You can't have your whole life disrupted, huge expenses incurred, and/or risk losing your job over this. You must know that, right?

Reading all your responses OP I find this thread nuts. Your still making an excuse for a man who’s leaving you out of pocket, who won’t help you and is forcing you out of your house you jointly own 🤯 do not let this man ruin a degree you are weeks away from. I’m sorry but his kids are his problem. If he wants to see them that’s great but he has to make other arrangements or find somewhere else not you. Put your foot down and put yourself first because he is quite clearly putting himself first!

We believe teen A did it because of bullying
Teen A has no friends and sits in the teachers lounge to eat lunch.
Teen A only had one friend who moved away.
Teen A did not even tell partners ex what they had done.
Teen A text only friend whilst at school, friend rang Teen As school to inform them, Teen As school rang ambulance and partners ex.
Teen A was taken to hospital.

Teen A gets upset Teen B is talking to partner on the phone.
Teen A gets upset Teen B is meeting with partner.
Teen A has told court they do not want contact with partner.

I have been having a conversation with partner and partner confirmed the plan was always to tell Teen A and Teen B about me and meet them, however the reality is different now and partner doesn’t know when they will feel comfortable telling Teen B let alone Teen A.

I see all the posts telling me to just move back in, refuse to move, do move pay out go to my parents every weekend, go somewhere midweek, air b&b, rent.
I also have to consider the demands of my job, I will get 2x the amount of work I do now if I did qualify,
I also need to consider the impact it would have on my own mental health, my physical health from having to haul my life each and every week from one end of the county to the other and back again a few days later.

I give up.

I know, I don’t understand how this is even up for discussion 🤷‍♀️

Me too. Everyone’s been trying to help.

Serious question, what advice are you actually looking for? I genuinely feel for you, it’s a terrible situation you’ve been put in, but there have been lots of really good suggestions here. I wish you the best whatever happens.

OP is this a same sex relationship?

Nobody is telling you to spend a fortune hauling ass across country twice a week. We are telling you to stay in your house that you half-own. Get on with your job and your career and your partner will have to make alternate arrangements if he is not happy with you being there.

seriously, you are worrying about the wrong thing - why do you keep fixating on whether he is telling the teens about you. Focus on why you think it’s ok for him to banish you from your own house and why you are actually considering bowing to his insane demands.

You just need to move back in.

I think there is a massive back story here.

it looks like (and apologies if I am completely wrong, which I might well be)

so, partner leaves spouse and children to pursue a ss relationship. Kids are very upset and one of them is so traumatised he/she refuses to talk to parent.

In order to try and lessen impact, parent and op agree to keep relationship secret in as far as living together.

now the parent has won access/visitation the shit has hit the fan. They now either need to come clean and confess the manner of their true relationship, or they split up.

the longer this web of lies/secrets and deceit continues, the worse it will be when the kids finally discover the true nature of the parent/op’s relationship.

So, if the kids can not accept their parents new relationship , then it is the parents decision to choose either the children or the relationship. They can’t have both.

OP, it’s time to get your ducks in a row as your partner looks like he/she will choose the kids.

If this is all completely wrong, sorry and ignore.

if there is a ring of truth in this, then those are your only options, come clean or split up. You will only dig a bigger hole for yourself if you do otherwise.

Move back in, stay in the box room for 2 months and tell your partner you will leave when the DC are there only if he pays the additional costs in full.

If he refuses to pay your out of pocket costs, continue to stay in the box room while DC is there and DP can say you’re a lodger. If you are uncomfortable taking part in the lie, remain in your box room while DC is there, your partner can tell them you’re anti-social.

This would mean:

1. You wouldn’t be suffering the extra costs
2. You would be able to finish your course and start getting the extra pay
3. You would be able to plan the split (of the house) properly, instead of being bundled out in a rush

I really don’t understand what’s so hard about that, or why you are so keen to do whatever your partner says. You MUST assert your rights too, given you own half the house!