Bullying husband

[noitsachicken]

My life is a mess and I am trying to get on top of it, one thing at a time.

The biggest issue, which has been going on for years is that my husband is a bully and I am only just accepting it.

He has huge mood swings and can become irrationally angry over small things.
It has been this way ever since I knew him, I ignored the red flags and I will never forgive myself for that.

We have three children and in the last couple of years they are showing the effects of years of this behaviour. Angry, lashing out, anxious scared. I hate writing this and feeling culpable in that I have let it go on.

His angry behaviour includes shouting, screaming, swearing, name calling/insulting, door slamming, storming out.

He has never been physical, but has thrown things on occasion, and the children are often scared by his behaviour. I have rarely felt comfortable to leave him with them. I never feel like I can relax in my own home, and am often walking on egg shells. I imagine the children feel the same.

I have spoken to him many times over the years about his behaviour, he had had help before, but the behaviour comes back. We go through cycles of things being ok, then not again. During the ‘ok’ times I would kid myself he could change and the ‘ok’ times out weighed the bad. Also, he’s a good parent in other ways and does lots at home and works hard.

I know that all this is not ok.
I had a very honest and frank conversation with him this week. Told him the things I would no longer accept or tolerate and what I need him to do (get help/therapy).
I have reached a limit and can’t accept it anymore and I am so angry with myself for letting it happen for so long. But we are now in an ‘ok’ period again now and I am worried I will forget the not ok times, not forget, but excuse again.

Is it possible to ‘recover’ from this sort of behaviour? Can he ever actually change?
I have known him 17 years and he hasn’t yet.

You need to as a minimum read up on your legal position OP. Seek free legal advice and contact women’s aid. I’m so glad you’ve taken this step, but you need to know your rights and get your ducks in a row to keep yourself not only safe, but from having him back. Keep talking, we’re all here to support. ❤️ In case it has any need of repeating, he cannot and will not change, no matter what he says. He’s done it for 17 years do not give him any more of your precious life.

It seems very overwhelming right now.
I don’t know where to start or what to do.

I ended up with CPTSD which has blighted my entire life. I am 64 now and havent slept through the night for many years as I wake up with panic attacks.
Im so angry with my mother for not protecting me I can barely look at her.

OP, I would highly recommend that if he tries to come back you tell your children to tell their teachers about life at home and how he behaves.
This will trigger safeguarding and would help keep him out of the house.
He has also sexually assaulted you in the past?
This is very relevant to all the abuse you all suffer from him.

I know this is very hard but the damage that has been done to your children by him is horrendous, particularly for your eldest.

If you can source therapy for him via your GP, do try and get some.

Anxiety and depression are a consequence of such an environment.
Never feeling safe, ever.

Divorce is a blessing as at least 50% of the time they have peace, and as they age they can refuse to see their abusive parent.

You can do this, for your poor children if nothing else.

Maybe get some counselling?

And focus on the practicalities. Gather all financial records and consult with a family solicitor.

One step at a time.

Would suggest you contact a local solicitor to you re divorce and Woman’s Aid. Have a read about the Freedom Programme and do this in person.

Do not allow your abuser back into your home. He’s already stolen enough of your lives and you all now need your heal. Contacting the above people will also be a part of that process.

Well done OP xx

One day at a time. Every day you live without him is one step towards a peaceful feature.

i was in a situation similar to yours. My kids were 2 and 3 and when I left I felt like a dark cloud lifted. My kids do see him part of the time, but he is not allowed inside my home and we have a cozy oasis. It’s hard to pay the bills and manage on my own but it is the best decision I ever made. I do not need the kids, society, or even a book on DV to validate it. I know it in my bones. I saved my soul by leaving. And hopefully my kids have a shot because their mom chose dignity over status quo. I wish you all the fortitude OP, you will find the strength.

I don’t know how to explain to them.
His behaviour is normal for them, they don’t know anything else and they miss him.

Very normal to miss their abuser.
All part of the damage to their nervous systems.
Therapy for you all would be so beneficial.
Do not take their missing him as anything more than children adjusting.
This will take time but long term they will begin to relax into a new calmer home life.

You explain it to them that you have decieded you cannot live like that anymore. You do not call it abuse but you can say that there was not sufficient respect for a romantic relationship to continue. That your mental health was taking a toll because of the tension. It is normal for them to miss him and for them not to understand, it takes time. You have to own the decision as being in their best interest without them acknowleging it and saying, yay mom great job. You have to know it. You are the captain of the ship and you will guide it to safe shore.

Has he seeked help yet?
Yes a vicious circle and no he is nit a good parent he is scaring his children...they have No choxie to be able to leave...you do.

I dont mean to be mean but dont be worrying about how the chikdreb will adjist or cope with Dad the abuser gone...i bet others in there life sense or know somethong isnt right too.
Dont look for guilt trips or wizhing it was all so familair..it never changes...money, houses..easier is not worth a dysfunctional home with children subjected to it..ignored then carrying on as normal.
Imagine as your 13yr ages and starts to date thinking violence or yelling throwing is normal because of him.
Break the cycle!!!
Here our kids our now taught about violent and unhealthy relationships in our Nz high schools...uk perhaps needs to take a big hint abd do the same.

My DH grew up with an angry, bullying father. His parents finally split when he was 16 and he's obviously now an adult, but the damage to his confidence and self esteem has been irreperable.

Why are you choosing to damage your children by staying with this awful man. You have given him far too many chances, he's not going to change. Your children will never thank you for staying with him.