Bullying husband

[noitsachicken]

My life is a mess and I am trying to get on top of it, one thing at a time.

The biggest issue, which has been going on for years is that my husband is a bully and I am only just accepting it.

He has huge mood swings and can become irrationally angry over small things.
It has been this way ever since I knew him, I ignored the red flags and I will never forgive myself for that.

We have three children and in the last couple of years they are showing the effects of years of this behaviour. Angry, lashing out, anxious scared. I hate writing this and feeling culpable in that I have let it go on.

His angry behaviour includes shouting, screaming, swearing, name calling/insulting, door slamming, storming out.

He has never been physical, but has thrown things on occasion, and the children are often scared by his behaviour. I have rarely felt comfortable to leave him with them. I never feel like I can relax in my own home, and am often walking on egg shells. I imagine the children feel the same.

I have spoken to him many times over the years about his behaviour, he had had help before, but the behaviour comes back. We go through cycles of things being ok, then not again. During the ‘ok’ times I would kid myself he could change and the ‘ok’ times out weighed the bad. Also, he’s a good parent in other ways and does lots at home and works hard.

I know that all this is not ok.
I had a very honest and frank conversation with him this week. Told him the things I would no longer accept or tolerate and what I need him to do (get help/therapy).
I have reached a limit and can’t accept it anymore and I am so angry with myself for letting it happen for so long. But we are now in an ‘ok’ period again now and I am worried I will forget the not ok times, not forget, but excuse again.

Is it possible to ‘recover’ from this sort of behaviour? Can he ever actually change?
I have known him 17 years and he hasn’t yet.

Can you confident in you parents? Adk them to help you? Can you call a solicitor for some free advice, see if you can get legal aid. You need yo put your children first and yourself. Show them that it is possible to escape this life.good luck

OP I have a friend whose DH was exactly like yours. She had all the same reasons as you for not leaving. She eventually did it when the kids were adults who now have a number of emotional and psychological issues. Her DS is basically just like his father. Has no emotional regulation and often flies off the handle. He can’t hold down a job or keep a relationship because of it and won’t go to any form of counseling. Her DD has been in a number of codependent relationships and suffers with severe anxiety.

Don’t do it to them OP. Whilst I accept if you leave they will still have some contact with him but he won’t be a permanent presence in their lives and the times they spend with you will give them some peace and balance. As others have said, get some legal advice and find out what you’d be entitled to. You’d be amazed how you’ll cope when you have to but don’t let fear of the unknown stop you.

Their family is already broken….you said you’re children are angry, scared, anxious, walking on eggshells, lashing out…

I spoke to my brother this week (I can’t speak to my parents yet) and he is being pushy and I’m trying to rein him in.

My children don’t know there is something to ‘escape’ they don’t know any different. This is normal to them (and I know that’s wrong) I’m certain they wouldn’t understand the need to escape. I am going to feel like the bad guy.

Plus I’m sure I’m not entirely innocent in this, I shout sometimes, I’ve become someone I dislike.

I hate this, I am trapped and I hate it.

In your OP you say that you and likely your children walk on egg shells when H is in a mood.
They know that isn’t normal.
My 4 year old knew it wasn’t normal.
They were relieved when we escaped.

*walk on egg shells

@noitsachicken He sounds so like my ExH. Shouty, moody, followed by days of the silent treatment.
My ExH was an alcoholic so we had that thrown into the mix as well.
Like you I was convinced I couldn't escape, and I was terrified of the DC having to be on their own with him if we separated (ie I could at a push see how I could escape but the DC couldn't so in my head it was best to stay so I could protect them and make a show of being a family and for the financial security.

I stayed for 30 years. Please don't be me.
Get a solicitor who has experience with coercive control and emotional abuse.

My now adult DC and sister helped me get out. They wish I had left earlier. They have no contact with him at all (their choice - but then he has only sent the eldest one text in the last three years claiming innocence then nothing, so he doesn't seem to want contact with them either)

I have taken a financial hit, and will have to work full time until I am 68, but I have a lovely little house and it is all my own, which I pay the bills for so I don't have him shouting he pays for everything and how grateful I should be. I have no shouting, clouds of doom or an angry seething man in my house. It is a place of safety, joy and I celebrate it every day.

Please put your children first and seek help to leave. You can't see it now but life can be better.

Listen to this poster OP. The situation won't change unless you separate/leave with your dcs. It seems scary but don't stay just because it's more familiar to stay. Its easier to leave when you're younger. If your dcs don't like being left alone with him then they probably won't want to see him anyway. I'm in a similar situation to welshwitch but without the alcohol and lining up my ducks currently. Don't leave it OP. I wish I'd left earlier too.

Once the children are teens they can choose not to see the other parent if they wish, and they cannot be forced to do so. Your eldest could probably make that decision now if you were separated.

To add, my DDs are now 30, 27 and 23.
They are all damaged, but now doing well. I carry that guilt with me that I could have limited the damage by leaving earlier.

DD30 - remembers her dad as "nice sometimes" , in the mid 90s before the drink and silent treatments took over. She remembers days I took them out on my own, and she now realises that was because ExH was in a mood and we needed to get out of the way. Because she remembers him as "nice sometimes" she carries the most guilt. They have no contact, and she is happy with this but worries that she will regret this when he dies (he is still drinking and had liver failure five years ago). She knows if she gets in contact she will end up being his carer, as he doesn't talk to any of his family, his only "friends" are other drinkers in the pub

DD27 was always his scapegoat, as she was the most feisty and least scared of him. She is very angry and has a very dark sense of humour. She has a list of candidates for replacement dads - including Monty Don, her FIL, Patrick from Sewing Bee etc.

DD23 - is most damaged and very fragile. She is very scared of him. She is mildly autistic and easily manipulated. She recognises this and we all protect her.

They have all needed a lot of counselling and I recognise that the damage would have been less if I had left earlier.
That said I am immensely proud of them all - they are are living independently, with partners and doing jobs they enjoy.
They make me laugh every day.

Your eldest is old enough that he won't be able to be forced to see his dad if he doesn't want to.

Your DH is not going to want 50:50. You don't leave them alone with him as it is, because you are trying to protect them from his moods.

One calm, safe house even 50% of the time is better than a house where everyone is on eggshells 100% of the time.

You can do this.

Agreed. Is he still assaulting you in your sleep OP? Remember you from your previous threads about this.

Please confide in your family and make plans to leave.

My first husband was like this and quite honestly I had to leave. He was scaring DS. DS now 42 says leaving was the best thing ever, he loved our peaceful new home. It's not good for children to witness that.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

Were you never told the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?. Your relationship to him is over anyway or should be because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your kids who pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken.

Your h wants absolute power and control over you all.

It is not your fault nor theirs that their dad has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. Such men too hate women, all of them.

@Venturini no that’s not happened for a while now. And wasn't exactly as you describe.
But I know that was wrong as well.

I sympathise greatly with this. It’s not your fault and I’m sure you’ve done everything you can to help your children.
Im currently in a ‘good phase’ with DH, but I’m not blind to it anymore. I’m doubting I can ever tell him I’m leaving though as the conflict and fall out just seems too vast, there will never be a good time to tell him, so I’m stuck imagining how my life could be.

There will always be reasons you will give yourself to stay - your children, the positives you see in him, finances, worry about how things will unfold, what others might think of you, what your kids will think of you. I did this too - but ultimately, I think you know in your gut that this is not a healthy functional loving environment for you or your children, and you have the power to change that. I am a single parent, and my child is happy and well-adjusted. He does see his father but his father is on his best behavior during those times, and because of the calm, happy environment DS is otherwise in, he is better able to put his time with his father in perspective. Hope you find the courage to leave, and make a happier home for yourself and your children.

I resent my mum for not leaving while I was a child. I think she was selfish for not leaving sooner. Yes, it would have been hard financially but she chose the physically “easier” path that didn’t require her to work so hard to put food on the table.
She left him the second I moved out- and while she didn’t have me to take care of then- she didn’t die or become homeless and she would’ve been perfectly fine leaving with me in tow many years sooner.
The only reason why I have forgiven her (but not forgotten what she did!) is because I consider her a stupid woman, and one who got pregnant by accident way too early and was unprepared for parenthood, nor knew what a healthy relationship was.
His outbursts have wildly affected my mental health. Hearing shouting makes me freeze up- I refuse to communicate with people who have raised their voices at me - even to my detriment. I cut off people who shout at me.
I’m afraid of loud noises. I spent years in therapy trying to fix it. This phobia is called misophonia. The phobia and the terrible childhood and constant battle with mental health and the meds I require daily are part of the reason why I will never have any children of my own. Mum will never get to be a grandmother.
and father? Pulled his shyte together once mum left. He has never raised his voice on me since. He knows that I do not tolerate shouting and he is afraid of losing me entirely. I have pointed out to him how my DH has never shouted at me.
He treats my stepmother way better. As they say men make much better second husbands. Our relationship is distant but I do see him sometimes and he tries to be extra nice.

I am in the same situation and have children aged 4 and 8. We rent our house and if I left I have no idea how I would pay for anything? DH pays for rent and bills, my job allows me to pay for food and kids things. Can you get on the council housing list before being made homeless? I’m in an impossible situation.

That’s what it feels like for me as well @Biscuitdunkerwithtea.
H is a high earner, I do a job I love that isn't well paid. I don’t know what I would do.

OP, they’re living in fear right now! My eyes filled with tears when you wrote that your little boy whispered to ask you not to go out because he “doesn’t like it” when you’re not there. He’s terrified of the aggressive bastard!

If you leave, you will be doing DC the greatest favour possible at this time: rescuing them from a frightening adult.

True, children are often forced to spend time with even bad fathers, which is a disgrace in my eyes. But I think courts have some control; I know of someone whose ex is only allowed to see their child under supervision.

Why don’t you get a consultation from a lawyer on what money you could be entitled to from a divorce? There also are free resources on budgeting and education to start saving / making more.
Even a “high earner” getting divorced will take a quality of life hit, you should expect that. But as long as you can make the basics, your children > money

Thanks ☺️ I’m not worried about having any money - I would happily live in a one bed flat with my kids and feel happy than have money. I can’t leave as I have nowhere to go and can’t rent somewhere as my income isn’t enough. I know once we’re divorced he would have to pay maintenance but it’s more the time after I leave and how would I manage then?

I’m in exactly the same situation except my kids are older.
I have left at the moment and am back in with my family but my youngest won’t leave the family home and is still there,
We are starting couples therapy- not that it will do any good I don’t think but I want my voice heard. Like another poster when i read about narcissist abuse it’s so similar,
if i leave i also leave with nothing. He owns multiple houses and business and we are not married and I am in a poorly paid job. At this point I’d rather live in one room than go back- like you I also feel conflicted as most times he’s lovely but the times he is not are so awful I can’t cope.