Bullying husband

[noitsachicken]

My life is a mess and I am trying to get on top of it, one thing at a time.

The biggest issue, which has been going on for years is that my husband is a bully and I am only just accepting it.

He has huge mood swings and can become irrationally angry over small things.
It has been this way ever since I knew him, I ignored the red flags and I will never forgive myself for that.

We have three children and in the last couple of years they are showing the effects of years of this behaviour. Angry, lashing out, anxious scared. I hate writing this and feeling culpable in that I have let it go on.

His angry behaviour includes shouting, screaming, swearing, name calling/insulting, door slamming, storming out.

He has never been physical, but has thrown things on occasion, and the children are often scared by his behaviour. I have rarely felt comfortable to leave him with them. I never feel like I can relax in my own home, and am often walking on egg shells. I imagine the children feel the same.

I have spoken to him many times over the years about his behaviour, he had had help before, but the behaviour comes back. We go through cycles of things being ok, then not again. During the ‘ok’ times I would kid myself he could change and the ‘ok’ times out weighed the bad. Also, he’s a good parent in other ways and does lots at home and works hard.

I know that all this is not ok.
I had a very honest and frank conversation with him this week. Told him the things I would no longer accept or tolerate and what I need him to do (get help/therapy).
I have reached a limit and can’t accept it anymore and I am so angry with myself for letting it happen for so long. But we are now in an ‘ok’ period again now and I am worried I will forget the not ok times, not forget, but excuse again.

Is it possible to ‘recover’ from this sort of behaviour? Can he ever actually change?
I have known him 17 years and he hasn’t yet.

Actually OP, you are in a domestic abuse situation. My exDP was very similar and Women's Aid helped me. In fact my GP told me to talk to them. She actually told me that my situation wasn't even boarderline, that it was very clearly domestic abuse. And to be honest, your situation sounds a bit worse than mine. My heart really goes out to you. I can see from what you are writing that you have a lot of the same confusion that I had. None of this is your fault. But you do need proper professional help. My GP helped me
A lot too.

I meant to say in my post just now that I also read stuff about domestic abuse online and also thought it didn't sound like my situation.

I don’t know where to start.

A friend of mine is going through a separation. But he won’t move out, they are all living in the same house and it sounds terrible, she says his mood swings are even worse. I don’t want to be in a situation like that.

Please leave him, I grew up in this situation, its horrendous I've since been in codependent abusive relationships, struggle with confrontation and a general walkover.
Ive not achieved much in life over than my beautiful ds.
Please dont turn your kids into me

I lived with parents like this, and honestly this is what scarred me the most. I still question my sanity to this day. It got to the point where social services were in and out of the house every few days to check on us kids and I was still in denial because "but they're lovely most of the time" and "but they're my parents and I love them" as well as parents gaslighting us that there was nothing wrong with our family and they were being falsely accused. It's still with me now (15 years later) and I still can't decide if they were definitively abusive, as they were such lovely people otherwise. Maybe I exaggerated it in my head? Maybe I am just hanging on to a few bad moments out of years of them looking after us? Maybe it wasn't really that bad and I've just made it into something it wasn't in my head? I still don't feel I can trust my judgement all these years later.

That said, I now have a young (infant school) aged daughter, and I saw my Dad talk to her once the same way he used to talk to us (at least the milder stuff he said to us) and as an adult watching from the outside rather than being the child I was gobsmacked at how much clearer I could see it was abusive (and the stuff he said to us was far worse). I've requested my notes from social services to look back over with a therapist so we'll see if I can get any closure.

I'm still traumatised to this day, still get stress induced psychosis, PTSD etc.

Work out an exit plan, talk to social services who will help, keep the kids away from him when you split

I don’t get any of your post

it would appear you did marry your dh despite knowing he was like this @OhBling ?

I married my DH because he was doing the work NOT to be like this. Then, when it turned out he had not done ENOUGH work, I told him if he didn't do ALL the work, it was over. And he did all the work. And nearly 15 years later none of this ever happens, and hasn't since then.

My point that I was trying to make (with a lot of typos it appears!) was that it is possible to recover, but only if the person who is at fault is willing to take responsibility and do the work to change.

However, in most cases, they pay lip service to changing. They say they will "try". That "they can't help it" etc. And as someone whose DH did do the work, I have zero sympathy for those people. It is hard. I'm very proud of him for working through all the issuse he had to work through and for intrinsically changing his behaviour. I know it was hard not just for himself but in terms of how it changed how he views his family and his childhood. But he did it anyway.

So he turned things around in 8 weeks and so you married him?

and then he reverted back?

This marriage is a disaster zone - you’re self harming, the kids are emotionally distressed, your husband is in therapy. Mate, come on - there is bugger all left to preserve.

I'm really not so sure why you seem to have a huge issue with me giving my DH a second chance when he was more than willing to do the work to improve? which he did. He 100% accepted that he was in the wrong. That was the key thing.

He acknowledged he had a problem and that it was HIS problem to fix and that HIS behaviour was not okay.

He started therapy the week after we had the big fall out - we were lucky that we were able to access support through work so it was quite quick to get started.

Then, over the next few months he was doing the work. And in the meantime, yes, we got married and yes, we didn't have any issues with his anger/behaviour. Then, a few years later I started noticing a bit of a backslide and there was an explosion. Which triggered me saying to him that this was unacceptable and he needed to do more work. Which he did.

And that was 15 years ago. And nothing since then.

And I haven't regretted my decisino at all. But I am constantly surprised by women who tell me that they want to give their partners's a second chance, without expecting him to do any of the intense amount of work that DH did.

“A huge issue”?

I asked you as question as I was curious about you being so adamant you couldn’t marry him 8 weeks before the wedding (and rightfully so given you relate your partner to this very disturbing OP’s) but he managed to do sufficient work that you did marry him 8 weeks later. I was curious

I also became too close with someone else. It was dangerous and has stopped, but it helped me to see that I could be happy again.

when did this happen? Since you started the thread OP?

Okay, maybe I over reacted.

From my perspective - I needed him to a) take responsibility and b) start the work. Which he did. I wouldn't have accepted, "i'll try harder" or "I couldn't help it" or any other version.

It is interesting, I did feel completely confident that he WOULD do the work and would get there. Perhaps becuase of how proactive and focused he was on fixing it?

Since I started this thread?
No, it was last year, and it shouldn’t have happened.

My father was like this and I have no good memories. He never actually hit me but threatened to with regularity. He tried to when I was 17 and I hit him first and he never did it again. My mum didn't really do anything other than moan about him. No, he would never have dared to act like that at work.

My adolescence, teenage years and 20s, even into my 30s were marked by lashing out and tantrums with boyfriends. Whether there is a link or not, I don't know. I had therapy for it.

I grew up feeling I was worth zero.

Every day this marriage continues , is another day your poor children endure this Op. they will have an utterly warped sense of what a marriage is.

and from what you have described, if your husband ever found out you had an affair, then things would get very very ugly.

if you’re not careful, you’ll be procrastinating about leaving him long after your children have moved out

Record him everytime . Make a dairy of what happens daily . I did this and it convinced me to divorce for my own sanity . I wish I'd done it earlier and protected my kids . One of them has been seriously affected and I feel so guilty . Don't put up with it . X

@noitsachicken- how are you doing?

OP I know this is a really old thread I’m just checking in how you are and what you decided to do x