Bullying husband

[noitsachicken]

My life is a mess and I am trying to get on top of it, one thing at a time.

The biggest issue, which has been going on for years is that my husband is a bully and I am only just accepting it.

He has huge mood swings and can become irrationally angry over small things.
It has been this way ever since I knew him, I ignored the red flags and I will never forgive myself for that.

We have three children and in the last couple of years they are showing the effects of years of this behaviour. Angry, lashing out, anxious scared. I hate writing this and feeling culpable in that I have let it go on.

His angry behaviour includes shouting, screaming, swearing, name calling/insulting, door slamming, storming out.

He has never been physical, but has thrown things on occasion, and the children are often scared by his behaviour. I have rarely felt comfortable to leave him with them. I never feel like I can relax in my own home, and am often walking on egg shells. I imagine the children feel the same.

I have spoken to him many times over the years about his behaviour, he had had help before, but the behaviour comes back. We go through cycles of things being ok, then not again. During the ‘ok’ times I would kid myself he could change and the ‘ok’ times out weighed the bad. Also, he’s a good parent in other ways and does lots at home and works hard.

I know that all this is not ok.
I had a very honest and frank conversation with him this week. Told him the things I would no longer accept or tolerate and what I need him to do (get help/therapy).
I have reached a limit and can’t accept it anymore and I am so angry with myself for letting it happen for so long. But we are now in an ‘ok’ period again now and I am worried I will forget the not ok times, not forget, but excuse again.

Is it possible to ‘recover’ from this sort of behaviour? Can he ever actually change?
I have known him 17 years and he hasn’t yet.

I would get advise from a lawyer. You are married - the sum total of what the two of you earn + assets is half yours from what I understand. I didn't ask for any money from my abusive ex, but that is what I was told by my lawyers at the time.

Is he like this with everyone? Work colleagues, his parents, friends? I suspect he isn't. He's a bullying bastard preying on the weakness of you and your children, but you already know that. Get advice from a lawyer or Women's Aid OP.

If you need proof quietly record him.

I still live with the effects of an abusive dad and I'm near 40 now . It never leaves you . I still resent my mum for never leaving . I begged her at one point . I wouldn't have given a shit about a broken home. I spent a huge part of my childhood petrified and anxious . Don't be surprised if they move out and go low/no contact as soon as they turn adults . I'm not saying this to be mean but it may be the reality . It doesn't sound like you're ready to leave so maybe it's time to do little steps to help yourself for the future . Start carefully getting your ducks in a row.

As far as what to do is concerned, As MNs so often say, get all your ducks in a row. Get copies of everything, bank accounts, savings. Take legal advice and speak to womens aid. Who owns the house, or do you rent? Think about what support is available. Can you get promoted, or find another job? Then, if/when it gets back to not OK, you are at least better prepared. Could you throw him out at that point? Remember that the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you try and leave. You don't want a frying pan thrown at your head. Or anything thrown at the children.

@ginasevern no he’s not, and a friend said that to me today. He’s not like this at work or with anyone else, as far as I know.

Those of you who lived with parents like this, what were they like at other times?
Were there good memories?
Do you have a relationship with them now?

Their family life is already torn apart. They have a verbally aggressive father who is making everyone's life a misery.

Your H ex is extremely abusive. It doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. His slamming doors and yelling is his way of showing that physical assault is a potential thread.

Please, OP. You HAVE to protect your children from this despicable man.

I was just talking about going out on Saturday evening, my best friends birthday.
My DS overheard me, came out upset and whispered ‘I don’t want you to go, I don’t like it when you aren’t here’ 😕

Protect your kids and leave.

I can relate to this very much so.

Maybe a few good memories, but the other things take their place sadly. Now being a parent myself I can see how stress and other things can really impact your own behaviour, many of us have made mistakes. But it depends on what they are, and what you do about it.

Your situation is very hard, but I mean where do you draw the line? So say for example you do as you say put it on the line to him, and that he needs to again get help. Then for example like before does, and it maybe ‘helps’ for a bit, then what after? It’s a vicious cycle. It’s about learning where that ends.

It's easy to say LTB but that would expose your children to his anger without you protecting them. My DH has anger issues as well but I was a sahm so had the children on my own. If he got angry with them I physically blocked him from getting near them. I have always protected them and will always protect them from his anger. Divorce was not possible and isn't because we have one autistic dc who loves his dad (he laughs when his dad gets angry because he thinks he looks funny) and us separating would be unbearable for him.

And when dad has the children 50/50 who will protect them then?

And this is where I go round in circles.
I know I would have to leave them with him, and that is hard enough to do now!

They are scared when I am not there, how can I make a choice to not be there half the time (or whatever it would be) I’d be avoiding it for myself but not for them

But the behaviour you describe is domestic violence - shouting, swearing, throwing things - it may not have escalated to hitting, yet, but it is domestic violence and you’re making excuses for him by trying to balance the bad behaviour with his good points. He is not a good parent because he is a bully and you are all scared of him.

You can make the choice now to leave. It would be the right choice.
That doesn't mean you go unprepared, with packed bags tonight. That doesn't mean you leave without a plan. That doesn't mean you leave your children behind.

As long as you're doubting whether or not to stay, you're not actively thinking ahead.
You're not speaking to a solicitor or getting women's aid involved.
You're not working on building a case against him.
You're not gathering evidence, recording his outbursts.
You're not informing yourself on where you stand with the children, what your and their rights are.

Let's assume he would even want 50/50, which is doubtful, you should be working on a plan to make sure he never gets more than supervised visits.

Yes, leave. But leave thoughtfully and only when you can safely leave with your children.
But start working on your plan today. If it takes you a month, a year, 3 years even, that doesn't matter. But start planning.

I feel like I am in exactly the same position as you OP and it’s tough reading everyone’s comments as they apply to my situation too.

My DD is now 10 and I can see this is becoming so damaging. As she had got older she is so much more aware of his bad behaviour and I can’t hide it from her anymore. She doesn’t like being left with him either.

I know we need to leave. It is a matter or timing now for me I think but it is so hard. I hate the way he feels he can treat me and my DD with no accountability for his hateful words. I can’t forgive him. It’s a slow insipid build up of someone becoming a domineering gaslighting bully that destroys your self esteem. I don’t understand why I am so scared of leaving as the alternative of us being away from him will in the long run undoubtedly be better. I am scared of how I will cope financially on my own, of breaking up the family home, of him and how he will react, of being on my own. I know I will get there eventually and I think it is coming sooner rather than later.

I guess I just wanted to empathise with you as unfortunately I think everyone who is commenting that you need to leave is right but it is way easier said than done when you are in the midst of the situation and doubting yourself and whether you perception of the situation is right. I don’t think my partner will ever change. It’s just a cycle of being the situation being tolerable and definitely intolerable.

i know it is bandied around a lot but I really think my partner shows narcissistic behaviour and the thought that my lovely DD could one day hate me because I have unintentionally enabled him to continue this behaviour on her (through my not leaving with her) horrifies me.

I wish you all the best.

He is violent, slamming doors, throwing things, shouting, swearing are violent acts it doesn't have to be physical.
This will scar your kids for life,I know what I'm talking about I grew up in a DV household.
I've had counselling for my experiences that happened decades ago.

@Mandy1010
I’m sorry you are in a similar situation.

It’s hard and confusing.

I read things on DV websites, women’s aid etc. And that’s not my situation.

I don’t think he will hurt me or the children, I’m not scared of him. I’m worried about his reaction, sending him into a bad mood, but I’m not afraid he will hurt us.

He doesn’t stop me going out, stop me from spending money, check my phone, isolate me from friends.

He just gets angry, the whole ‘red mist’ situation. I’m sure I am not helping, because I am desperately unhappy, and have given up to a degree, and he knows that, I’m just treading water. Trying to maintain a balance and keep the peace in the house.

I know none of this is ok, but it’s also not so bad. Is the alternative worse? Maybe for me it’s better to leave, so I have a chance to be happy but for the children?

They wouldn’t be exposed to the anger every so often, but they might be sometimes and have to deal with it alone. My teen is likely to be more confrontational and I wouldn’t be there to mediate.

And this isn’t even thinking about practicalities/logistics/finances/upheaval.

It’s easy to say ‘get them away from him’ ‘go for sole custody’ but we know those are not realistic options, he’s not a bad person, and even bad people are still allowed to see their kids.

@noitsachicken far better for children to have one happy parent that 2 unhappy angry parents!!!

But they won’t be living with a terrifying bully.
You say he’s thrown things but he’s not violent, that is violent. He’s a domestic abuser , he’s abusing the whole family.

But they might live with him some of the time! So they would still be living with the Bully, without me!

For god sake get away from him for your children’s sake if nothing else

But that isn’t what would happen.

I can’t run away the children and never see him again, how ever the situation plays out he would always have access to the children.