Bullying husband

[noitsachicken]

My life is a mess and I am trying to get on top of it, one thing at a time.

The biggest issue, which has been going on for years is that my husband is a bully and I am only just accepting it.

He has huge mood swings and can become irrationally angry over small things.
It has been this way ever since I knew him, I ignored the red flags and I will never forgive myself for that.

We have three children and in the last couple of years they are showing the effects of years of this behaviour. Angry, lashing out, anxious scared. I hate writing this and feeling culpable in that I have let it go on.

His angry behaviour includes shouting, screaming, swearing, name calling/insulting, door slamming, storming out.

He has never been physical, but has thrown things on occasion, and the children are often scared by his behaviour. I have rarely felt comfortable to leave him with them. I never feel like I can relax in my own home, and am often walking on egg shells. I imagine the children feel the same.

I have spoken to him many times over the years about his behaviour, he had had help before, but the behaviour comes back. We go through cycles of things being ok, then not again. During the ‘ok’ times I would kid myself he could change and the ‘ok’ times out weighed the bad. Also, he’s a good parent in other ways and does lots at home and works hard.

I know that all this is not ok.
I had a very honest and frank conversation with him this week. Told him the things I would no longer accept or tolerate and what I need him to do (get help/therapy).
I have reached a limit and can’t accept it anymore and I am so angry with myself for letting it happen for so long. But we are now in an ‘ok’ period again now and I am worried I will forget the not ok times, not forget, but excuse again.

Is it possible to ‘recover’ from this sort of behaviour? Can he ever actually change?
I have known him 17 years and he hasn’t yet.

No, he won’t change. This environment is intolerable and damaging to your children. How old are they?

8/10/13

Sorry OP, he won’t change.

He is incapable of being the husband and father you need him to be.

Are your children male or female? I’d think about ending things before your teen gets older, especially if they’re male as you’re looking at a lot of testosterone flying around.

Sooner it’s ended the sooner you can all have some peace and start recovering.

He will never change.
And the damage to your children will only get worse and worse as they realise that their father is voilent and abusive, but their mother knew, saw, and did nothing to protect them.

Loneliness is a big factor in trauma, and how deeply that trauma affects us.
Feeling alone, feeling like nobody cares, feeling that nobody will help you... Those things will destroy a child. Sometimes it causes even more damage than the actual abuse. And let's be clear. Years of walking on eggshells has already shaped your childrens' nervous system in a way that will take years of therapy and healing to overcome. They have already learned that they are never safe in this world.

I'm sorry to be so direct. I'm sure you really want to be a good mum and you believe that you do that by not being voilent and abusive yourself. Except, that's not good enough when you're allowing them to be exposed to abuse on a daily basis. You have an opportunity here to still make some things right. You're starting to see what's going on and you have this momentum. Use it. It's not too late. You can change the story of their childhood from:
My dad was abusive and my mum never seemed to care
to
My dad was abusive and my mum did everything she could to protect us from it.

I believe you can do this and be the good mum you want to be. I believe you and your children can grow closer because of this. I also believe that you shouldn't let guilt consume you. That doesn't do anybody any good. You're not a monster and you're not an abuser. You're as much of a victim as your children are. Except that you can leave whenever you want to, and they need you to leave so they can leave. So let them leave.

No he's not going to change - please stop putting your children through this, you need to leave. Growing up being scared of an angry parent is hugely damaging and can have long lasting effects on children. If you can't get away from this bully for yourself, do it for them.

Your husband sounds identical to my father and he honestly ruined my childhood. Him leaving my mum when I was 20 was the best thing that happened.

He hasn't changed in 17 years, you've spoken to him, he's "sought help" but nothing changes.

What makes you think this time will be different?

Now that you admit the effects on your own children, how many more years are you willing to actively choose put them through this?

And if you do continue to choose to put your children through this, are you prepared for the repercussions in years to come, when they can't leave home fast enough and go low to no contact with you because they have become aware that you were complicit and didn't protect them?

Thank you for the directness of your responses.
To answer a few questions/comment on a few things.
My older two are boys, youngest is a girl.

He is not violent, not physical. And it’s not daily, sometimes it has been I guess. But it’s not daily.

I know these aren’t excuses. But trying to paint an accurate picture.

I understand, OP. It’s not as black and white as some posters seem to think it is. When everything is ok you tend to question yourself and doubt -
did I exaggerate the bad times, was I being dramatic, expecting too much? It is so hard when you are in the situation to name it correctly. Nobody is perfect or always good/ always bad. This person has been your family for seventeen years, he’s the only father your children have. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t blame yourself for any of it.

@meditated thats exactly it.

I question it all the time, did I make it worse in my head somehow?

People say to me ‘you need to do what’s best’ but there is no best here.

There is definitely a best. In fact there is an only. You get your children away from him to somewhere where they can feel safe. No more stress or walking on eggshells. No more witnessing aggression and wondering how bad it will be next time.

You might be able to think that it's OK when it's OK. It's very very unlikely that they do.

But their family is broken and their life is torn apart.

Most of us with divorced parents wish that they had divorced years sooner than they did. My dad was also verbally abusive and I hated it! I would have taken parents divorcing over the abuse any day.

edit: wording

But if it’s not likely to stop then what use is me leaving him? The children will have to deal with it without me there to support them.

It doesn’t sound like you being there has protected your children at all. You can’t protect them, but the court can. You can file for sole custody with supervised visitation with other adults present so he can’t be abusive - or he loses visitation altogether.

But I can’t prove anything.
And yes it still happens when I am here, but I think it would be worse if I wasn’t.

Start collecting proof then- audio or video recording. You telling others about it in writing could help as well- have you messaged any family or friends about this?

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home?.

Better to be from a so called broken
hime than to remain in one.

Your family unit is already broken because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your children. They see how you react to him and sound travels too. They pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken and you two as their parents are giving them the blueprint re how relationships are conducted. This is no legacy to leave them. Your house is not the sanctuary it should be for either you or they.

Your children could well become either the abused or even the abuser in their own adult relationships particularly if you choose to stay with him for your own reasons.

One day and sooner rather than later your kids will leave home. They certainly won’t want to see you very often at home if at all because they could accuse you of putting him before them.

His violent behavior may not be a daily event.
The threat of it is.
He's unpredictable and his emotions dictate how everyone else in the home gets to feel.
There's a reason why the constant threat of unpredictable danger is considered torture.
It's inhumane. And you and your children are going through it.
Yes, daily.
Because he may not get angry every day. But he could, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop him.
Torture. Inhumane.
Leave

Trying to protect your kids from his abuse of you and in turn them whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible.

He is not going to make it easy for you to leave but it’s a million times harder to stay and you’ll just become further downtrodden or even worse potentially end up as his carer.

Do you think that such a man would want to remain in contact with his children in the longer term?. He’d likely farm them out to his parents citing work issues.

Your children are scared, and their behaviour is reflecting that. You feel that you are walking on eggshells all the time. His behaviour if frightening, and sometimes its physical, with the throwing things. Its been 17 years and in spite of interventions, there hadn't been any change, just a pattern of him controlling himself for a bit when he's had to. When he controls himself, its only OK. Which bit of this life do you want for your children and for yourself? My guess is none of it, but you are hoping he will change into a decent human bring. The chances of that are, I am sad to say, pretty close to zero. The chances of your children being even more damaged than they are? Very high. The chances of this getting worse over time, as he realises you aren't going to leave as long as he reels it back when confronted? High.

I don’t know what to do now.

Listen to all the folks on this thread that verbal abuse is abuse and you and your children need to get out of this situation aka you need to plan your exit.

My ex is like this. I was constantly walking on egg shells around him. The absolute BEST thing I did for my child and myself was leaving him and putting an ocean between us. Luckily I had a job/financial security. It won't seem like it now - the will he/won't he (change) will paralyze you with indecision - but honestly, the only regret I have is that I didn't leave sooner. Not sure of all the details of your situation, you will know best, but in my experience, this kind of behavior has roots in childhood and does not change except with sustained therapy and desire for change, and very few people (men!) have that much self awareness or humility to embark on and be successful in this journey. Good luck.

But I don’t have financial security. I have a job I love but it’s low paid.