Partner besotted with his adult daughter.

[Netcurtainswithlead]

Another post on here has prompted me to write this.

I have ended my relationship of a year in the last few days but want some other people’s views and experiences as I’m having some difficulty getting my head around this.

Boyfriend was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had adult married daughter 15 years younger than me.
I gradually became aware that he was besotted with her. If anyone has seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire it was like that. He had her picture as his screensaver, took her as his plus one to social dos instead of me sometimes, went on holiday with her and her baby staying in a family room and bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her. I used to think he liked to play happy families with her and her baby. They had shared a bed on holiday many times when she was a teenager, he told me this. She was brought up very privileged and her husband didn’t earn much, they struggled for cash and my BF gave her a lot of money. I began to feel he talked about her as if she were his wife. He told me many times that she didn’t like me and she would not go to his house if I was there even though we only met briefly a couple of times. I had done nothing whatsoever ever to warrant this.

I’m not asking if people think this was an inappropriate relationship between my BF and his daughter because in my opinion it was. What I want to know is if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Well adjusted men do not share a bed with their adolescent children. This stuff is literally in the “I am boundary breaking narcissist” category which police, social services and schools have to deal with

Right so by that logic a father wouldn't be able to take his kids to a play park because of the fact that some men who are pedophiles hang around play parks. Or can't take their kids swimming without the mother present. Yes some people are monsters but you cant group all fathers into that one category.

And one of the reasons for that is the complete refusal by people like you to realise the world isn't that binary, unfortunately.

You are very defensive. Have you done this a lot?

As i already said, i was never made to share a bed with my father on holiday.

Why wouldnt you book enough beds for a start? You can also order a rollaway bed in hotels , or sleep on a couch

If for some reason we were absolutely stuck for a spare bed on holiday, (never happened but i am imagining it) my mother would never put me in a bed with my dad. She woud put me in a bed with her if i asbsolutely had to share with someone

God save teenage girls from Humbert Humbert - nothing has changed

Well hopefully social services can figure out the difference between normal loving families and those that they need to investigate/remove children from.

It is not normal though

Are you a man or woman Anchorage?

My husband buys our daughter expensive perfume, buys her really expensive flowers for occasions and even jewelry. He often buys her little gifts when we are out too. He might check with me first that she will like it but often not. He is fairly besotted with her and her with him I don't see it as a threat it fills a massive hole for her left by a shitty bio dad and a husband who is a bit neglectful and vice versa for him he lost a bio daughter when young. I don't see it as any sort of threat and have never thought he put her before me except where I would want or need him too. He spoils me rotten too given half a chance. In your situation I can see you find it unacceptable and I can see why but thought I'd give you another perspective. Men can show daughters a softer more vulnerable side than they can show anyone else.

No I did this once as a child with my dad. He is not a paedohpile. All families are different, all situations are different. I can understand its triggering if something bad happened to you as a child.

Nothing bad happened to me as a child and i am not triggered.

I told you i work in a school and i work a lot with safeguarding.

A girl sleeping in her bed with her father , is seen as inappropriate by both schools and social services

Yes it is. It may indicate a grooming relationship or something worse. The men who make these assessments and assumptions are very manipulative ime. Most men don’t do this because they know the implications.

The ones that do are very good at normalising it unfortunately

Well both myself and my dad are fine. It all depends on the family and the people.

And would you be okay with him sharing a bed with her as a teenager?

This thread has derailed. The point OP was making was about her 65yo ex-boyfriend sharing a bed with his 35yo married daughter. There doesn't need to be a clear aggressor/child-victim here for this to be inappropriate behaviour. The sharing of a bed with another adult raises some very different questions to an adult sharing a bed with their child. Both scenarios potentially raising some uncomfortable questions.

FWIW its quite a common for people with personality disorders* to disrupt people's sleep in some way as a form of control/abuse. Making noise, insisting people stay up with them or get up early with them, through to sleeping in the same bed with them.

Placing yourself in the bed of another adult, or even in the bedroom of one, is not a benign act. Particuarly if both of those adults are in committed romantic/sexual relationships with other people...

• I'm not suggesting anybody has anywhere near enough info to suggest that is what is happening in the OP, and FWIW I don't think it is.

I agree. Is the DDs baby - the grandchild also in the bed?

Where is the DDs husband in this - why is he excluded from their trips away. Seems divisive to me - the DF should be encouraged and supporting the marriage and father of his grandchild.

If you look at the statistics on porn watching (which you haven't), including the commonly searched terms and most viewed popular videos, the genre of 'fauxcest ' features heavily. ('Fauxcest' meaning the genre of porn involving sex between family members who are not biologically related).

Take Pornhub, the 13th most popular porn site in the world. As of January 2024, of the most popular 100 videos, 4.1 billion views were for 'fauxcest' videos and 3.3 billion views were for all other videos combined.

Additionally, if you're interested in data and analysis and the efforts in various jurisdictions to try to regulate porn, the distinction between 'fauxcest' porn and 'incest' porn becomes an important one in some jurisdictions which have chosen the route of banning the latter, but not the former.

But please feel free to continue to make personal attacks, statements that I watch porn and incorrect assertions

< apologies to other posters for the derailment- incorrect assertions irritate me, as well as personal attacks >

Just seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire that OP mentions. It’s about a man’s obsession with his daughter, but there’s nothing overtly sexual in it and no implication there was between them but it leaves you in no doubt that there’s something amiss. The role of the SIL is interesting. Has anyone else ever seen it?

The OP said they shared a family room, doesnt actually say they shared a bed. And interestingly the OP hasnt actually posted anything else after all these responses.

@Applebun
I'm so sorry this was your experience, I hope your dad is not with this girlfriend anymore. Mine was the opposite, where my XP's daughter was obsessed with him. My first inkling of what she was like was on our second date, we went to see a band, and she was ring and texting during this concert, asking him what songs the band were playing, as he had previously taken her everywhere, she didn't have her own friends ( she was 28 at the time!). Eventually she settled with a boyfriend and moved in with him, and during the boyfriend's night shift, my ex received a call at 2 am one weekend, that her car alarm had gone off and she was too frightened to go out herself, and asked her DF to drive 8 miles to investigate, and he did !

But she has launched. She’s married with her own children. She’s not a 35 year old virgin who still idolises her Dad. The OP said they shared a bed when she was a teenager, that is a child.

IF her father is the primary man in her life, it will affect her marriage. We read the reverse on here ALL the time. Men who won't detach from their mothers, destroying their marriage.

I agree. A relative of mine has a very dependent relationship on her father, in her late thirties. She turns to him for everything and her partner is increasingly side lined. It’s not a healthy dynamic.

The daughter is 35, not a teenager.