Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

I know this wasn’t meant for me but I can relate and it was really heartfelt and honest.

First you have to work on yourself, then you have to take advantage of the opportunity your friends scan give you. I met one girl through a friend. I met another girl at a date convention, the 3rd girl i met at a library.Sometimes you may have to make to move to getting that partner and come out of your comfort zone. Make your signs of attraction clear, the results will come.

Could you bring yourself to drop the 6ft requirement? Is it really so important to you that you'd rather be in no relationship than a relationship with a lovely shorter man? Of course if it is, then fair enough, but worth asking yourself.

My friend is 5ft10. She filtered for men over 6ft and was very strict. She's now happily married to a man she literally accidentally bumped into in the street. He's 5ft 5.

My husband was convinced he needed a partner a bare minimum of 5ft 9 or more as he's very tall. We met at work. I'm 5ft 5.

Maybe the secret to relationship bliss is being 5ft 5, @Wibblywobblybobbly 😉

PS: OP said she isn't just looking for someone over 6 foot.

Not gonna lie. I LOVED being single. Felt I thrived when single. Being married/partnered is not all it's cracked up to be.

OP you sound very much like me a few years ago until I met DP and we clicked.

One thing that stands out is that you mentioned you are going on dates with men you don’t find attractive. Could this be the issue? Perhaps put aside what they are into etc and try to meet people and see if there is a physical connection? That is the real rocket fuel of relationships otherwise you might find yourself stuck with a roommate in a few years time.

Wishing you much luck! You really are not alone :)

I wonder if you’re holding back a bit, if you’re quite guarded - which would be understandable due to the pitfalls of OLD and your experiences thus far. It could also just be your personality, but perhaps previous beliefs around religion / intimacy are playing a part too, even subconsciously? It can be hard to shake off previously strongly held beliefs and this can show up in micro behaviours and body language. The lack of interest you describe sounds a bit like burn out, the hamster wheel of dating and all the emotions that come with it can be exhausting and de-moralising.

But is also sounds a bit self protective - if you don’t care then they’ve got nothing to lose, but you also haven’t truly given yourself the opportunity to connect with someone. You’ve got to have the willingness to to be emotionally open and vulnerable and I’m wondering what that’s like for you. The fact you don’t feel anything before these dates even though you’ve chatted beforehand sounds like you just aren’t clicking with these dates or you’re holding back on some level emotionally. I think it is important to be discerning whilst not having impossibly high standards. So this would translate to finding their pictures attractive and having things in common, similar sense of humour which you can get a sense of before you meet (although I appreciate things can be much different in person, for better or worse). It’s interesting to note you also say you don’t feel anxious before dates, yet you don’t enjoy meeting ‘strangers’ - it all just sounds a bit detached to me.

I think reflecting on your feelings and what is going on for you internally before/during dates may be quite insightful. As well as trying to recognise how you’re ’coming across’ on dates and why that may be. It can also become a self fulfilling prophecy- if you don’t think it’s going to work deep down, you don’t fully show up, any chance of a connection is reduced - and it doesn’t work. I think it’s really hard to keep the hope when it comes to dating, especially after time has passed and you really want a different outcome. I have a lot of hope for you OP!

I agree with pp there. I would expect to feel some excitement when chatting with someone and getting to know them even before you meet. It’s meant to be fun and you sound very detached and uninterested. Can you approach it with a different mindset? Like try a bit harder to show an interest and enjoy the chat.

I also agree with another pp that 10-15 dates isn’t many. You could do that in a month!

It can seem like hard work but I think you should keep going.

@Plastictreees you've summed up exactly what I was thinking.

OP I think the most telling things you've said are around your lack of interest and excitement in meeting new people. Perhaps you're just fatigued by the whole dating thing (which I can understand) but if you're going into a date feeling ambivalent then it's going to be hard to find a spark.

I think the difference of opinion around academic conferences is quite telling. I'm not convinced it's about "different types of conferences" and more about different approaches to situations. There's no reason why you couldn't meet a prospective partner at an academic conference, I once dated a guy I met on a London bus!

I totally agree it's nothing, and that most women manage to find many more dates than I have, so that definitely is part of my problem. I have taken various breaks and I do tend to step back from swiping whenever I get a match that seems like it's heading for a date, so I won't pretend I've spent years and years consistently swiping every day, but I promise you I am genuinely trying. A while back I started keeping track of my swipe rate, and I was actually swiping right a lot more than I thought I was, and more than a couple of friends have said they do. So I don't think my standards for swiping are unreasonably high.

I have thought about speed dating, it sounds very much like something I would hate, and I haven't heard any stories where it actually worked out for people. But I will try it at some point, just in case I'm wrong and it actually works better for me than OLD.

I can definitely relate to many friends marrying their first or second boyfriend/girlfriend. It's hard feeling like you blinked and everyone coupled up before you've even graduated from uni! I don't disagree that loosening up and going crazy might be good for me, the problem is I can't find anyone I want to go crazy with! I don't go on dates thinking about whether or not I want to marry the guy and I am open to the idea of just having a fling, but so far that hasn't happened through OLD either.

I've read pretty negative feedback about Matthew Hussey, so I'm not sure how much I want to follow his advice. But I appreciate the suggestion!

Thank you so much for your message, I really appreciate you sharing. I do hope that I will eventually meet someone, but like you say it doesn't happen for everyone, and there are no guarantees in life.

If it doesn't happen I really hope I do get to the point where I'm at peace with being single. I certainly don't hate my actual life, I have many good things and people in it to be grateful for, and I've worked hard to make it that way, and also have been very lucky in some ways. But I think the part of the problem is I've done almost all of the thing people suggest to build a nice life for myself, and yet I still feel the lack of a relationship, and if anything that's only become harder over the years. And the majority of my friends are in happy relationships which add value to their lives, so while I know some relationships are terrible, it's hard to convince myself that all of them are and that I'm better off being alone.

So while I don't feel I myself am lacking, or that there's anything wrong with being single, I do feel my life itself is lacking in a way that no amounts of new hobbies or friends can change. And yes pets are great, I had various pets as a kid and and I enjoy spending time with other people's pets, but I'm much more of a people person than an animal person.

Anyway, I guess I do somehow need to change my mindset, I'm just not sure how. Maybe it is partly my age, and will get easier once I'm passed the point of all my friends getting married and having kids. Although then the grandkids will come...

Of course just like everyone I'm a work in progress, but I think I have worked on myself quite a lot, and I do try and push myself out of my comfort zone. Unfortunately none of my friends have any single friends they can set me up with, but I could always spend more time at the library, I do love books..

I'm glad you posted this, was starting to doubt myself 😂But yes while I'd ideally like someone at least the same height as me, it's by no means a dealbreaker, and certainly 6 foot plus isn't a requirement!

I envy people who feel this way, life would be so much easier if I also loved being single! Have you had previous relationships though? Maybe it's easier to be single when you've had some not so great experiences in the past and you can see the contrast? Not sure I deliberately want to seek out a bad relationship though...

So maybe I should clarify what I mean by don't find them attractive. When swiping of course there are many factors, but thinking specifically about looks I usually categorise as no, yes, or maybe. The nos where I just don't find them appealing at all for whatever reason I swipe left on, the yeses where I genuinely think they are physically attractive I swipe right (but they almost never match with me), and most fall into the maybe category, where I wouldn't be drawn to them based on looks alone, but if our personalities gel I can see myself finding them physically attractive so if they meet other factors I also swipe right. Those are the guys I end up going on dates with.

So it's not that the guys I'm dating I find actively unattractive, it's more that they aren't good looking enough to make me want to see them again purely based on looks, if that makes sense. If I tried to be more picky in that area I'd not get any dates at all, and as people have pointed out I'm already not getting many, so I'm not sure that's a thing I should be changing.

So based on previous comments I definitely do need to think about whether some of my disinterest is coming across. But I'm not sure it's all down to me being self-protective. I am willing to be vulnerable on dates and am not completely closed off or anything. And I think it's fair to say I'm emotionally invested in the process of dating even if not the individual, and am always disappointed when it doesn't work out, even if not necessarily surprised.

I also remind myself before every date that they might well turn out to be better in person than I expect, because if I don't think there's any chance I might be interested then why would I even bother? So it's also not like I go on every date thinking this is utterly pointless. But clearly I could be more emotionally engaged, I'm just not sure how...

I definitely show an interest, and at least try to have fun, but unfortunately I just don't find meeting new people fun, it's more of a necessary evil to get to the point where they're no longer strangers and I actually enjoy spending time with them.

See other people might be able to find 10-15 dates in a month, but I really really couldn't. Not without literally relaxing all preferences. I don't know why - maybe I really am just not that attractive, I mean I'm no super model but I don't think I'm ugly, but who knows, maybe I am and all my friends are just too nice to say so. Not much I can do about it if so though!

Do you ever socialise with your male colleagues? Just as friends?

Ok this is clearly a common theme, and I agree dating would be a whole lot easier if I did finding meeting new people exciting. But I'm not sure how to change that - to me it's a bit like you telling me you love cycling. I know and believe that many people enjoy cycling, but I've tried it and I just don't. I'm not sure that's a mindset problem so much as a some people just don't like cycling, and I'm one of them.

But in the spirit of not being defeatist, for those of you who do find meeting new people exciting, why is that? Is it usually something specific about the person that catches your interest/excitement? Or the possibilities of meeting someone new? The actual process of getting to know someone? Would love to know what it is I'm missing!

Well sure you can meet someone anywhere, I have a friend who met her DH on a plane! But in my field conferences are a professional thing, yes people might be friendly but there are generally clear boundaries, and I would stick out like a sore thumb if I tried to be more flirty. So while the suggestions to think about body language and trying to be more open and flirty etc in social situations and dating are probably good advice, I'm fairly sure if I tried that at a conference I would end up doing my career absolutely no favours. Maybe back when I was a PhD student and there was less at stake, but now, not so much.

My current colleagues only on rare occasions, but in previous jobs there's been more of a culture of socialising outside of work. I do also have a number of male friends.

You are absolutely right, and please don't follow the advice.

His advice only works if the person you're dating responds exactly the way he thinks they will.

He says certain things to say and text and it involves sussing out what somebody is saying by sending a certain text.

Hussey advocates game playing more than direct communication.

For example, if you think he's doing this, say this and watch what he does, if you think he's going to do that, do this and see what he does.

Whereas i think the way to handle it is If you suspect somebody is doing something for a particular reason, why not just ask them. Why not state what you think is going on and ask directly.

All this suss them out by doing x and y. It means setting tests for someone you barely know, that they dont even know are tests let alone knowing how to pass them.

People just need to communicate.

I enjoy meeting new people and I especially enjoyed dating. I suppose I am fairly extroverted, I’ve always enjoyed making friends and I’m pretty open and friendly in general. I also have a job that’s based on a lot of talking, so good social skills are required. I’ve had a lot of exposure to new people throughout my life, in terms of moving around the country for work, extensive travelling, attended 4 universities, lived in house shares, ‘people-based’ jobs. My point really is that I’ve had a lot of exposure and positive experiences with strangers across different domains, which means I am pretty confident at navigating them. I’ve also got decent self esteem and don’t worry about people (especially men) not liking me, I don’t worry about awkwardness, etc. I think a lack of experience and exposure with anything (dating, making friends, sexual relationships, interviews, etc) can make it more anxiety provoking and harder to enjoy and feel confident. I was a shy, unconfident and awkward child until I actively worked on changing this as a teenager.

There was an excellent post about body language and mirroring, considering most communication is non verbal this is a helpful point to consider. Tone of voice, eye contact, stance, gesturing all really impact a social interaction. I enjoy meeting new people because I have a genuine curiosity; I love to learn about what makes someone tick, I love the idiosyncrasies, I love laughter and the feeling of connection whether it be a friendship or romantic. I’ve never had a bad date. I’m sure this is mostly luck, but also a bit of discernment and being aware of the energy I’m bringing to a date. I’ve never had a date where I wasn’t excited beforehand; I’d cancel otherwise. It’s curious you don’t feel any connection or excitement before the date, and you have a blanket rule for yourself of you just don’t enjoy meeting strangers. It may be helpful to try to re write this script. I find it hard to believe that there isn’t an element of social anxiety about meeting new people, as it seems to be across settings not just dates.

So much of this isn’t really tangible, like chemistry and connection. Some people are naturally more chatty than others, or more ‘fun’ and you don’t want to try to change your personality. But it does sound as though you aren’t bringing your full self to dates, due to not enjoying meeting new people? If you go into it believing that then it likely won’t go well, no matter how interested you pretend to be.

Everyone was a stranger once! Your best friends. I guess I viewed dating as an opportunity to meet someone who could end up being special, and just had fun with it. I met lots of interesting men and had some great food! I’ve met a couple of my best friends through chance encounters. I met my husband after just a few weeks on Tinder - because I was open to the possibility. I think you’ve got to work out what the barrier here is for you in terms of just not enjoying meeting people, if it’s not anxiety. Is there a part of you deep down that is a bit scared of intimacy and connection, especially as you haven’t had that before. Sometimes we can subconsciously sabotage ourselves out of fear.

OP, have you ever had therapy to discuss this issue?