Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

Haha, now that sounds more like my field!

Do these friends actually want A (good enough) Relationship, though, or is it that they're only willing to share their lives if Mr Perfect should turn up and ask?

I mean, my 'list' actually precludes any man who'd want a relationship with me. I know this! I've done the not being so picky thing (when I brought a lot more to the table, too) and it went horribly, miserably wrong. I value myself enough to know I am my best available partner. Could your friends be similar?
@Starlight7080

I mean, yes, I do think it's entirely possible that the fault may well lie with me. That's why I started this thread, because I was hoping that someone might have new ideas of where I've been going wrong! In fact I'd prefer it if I am doing something wrong, because that means I have something to work on. That's much more comforting than it all coming entirely down to luck, which is pretty much what my friends always tell me. And while there might not be such a thing as a magical solution, I have had some useful suggestions of things to think about/try and do differently.

I don't think I'm shy as such, and I'd much rather find someone who is kind and supportive than someone in a high flying career who isn't. A friend recently suggested making a list of what's important to me, and none of the most important things on my list were superficial. But while kind and supportive is very attractive, it might not be obvious after going on a couple of dates, so that tends to go along with people suggesting maybe I need to give it more time.

That gives me some hope that OLD can work out even if like me you kind of hate it! I haven't really been on dates with guys I have much in common with, if I had I agree it would have made it easier to keep persisting, but that's also encouraging that the attraction came with more time.

I also have a friend who met their DH on an Oak Hall holiday, unfortunately it was a skiing holiday and I don't ski 😂Not sure I'm brave enough to make a facebook post, but good for your friend that that worked out. I guess it goes to show that people meet in all sorts of ways, and all I can do is keep putting myself out there, both online and in the real world, and hope that eventually it works out

I haven’t read all the replies but I’m wondering if limiting yourself to a religious partner (unsuccessfully) when you were younger is the key here. When did you start looking beyond religion? I think 30s is a notoriously difficult age to be dating as a woman.

make sure you are proactive at asking men out when you do feel a spark. I’m sure you’ll meet someone

Right, but I've already been to loads of conferences, which is why I said my field sounds very different to yours. So it's not so much something I need to consider, as a thing that I'm already doing. But anyway, I'm glad it worked for you, even if I find it very hard to imagine that happening at any of the conferences I go to. Never say never though I guess...

They don't just do skiing holidays. I had a guy show interest in me on one of their summer trips 😂 Unfortunately I wasn't ready to date at that time.

I'm glad you've made your peace with it. I can't really imagine ever being ok with it, but I hope if I'm still in here in 10 or 20 years without having found a relationship I do eventually find a way to accept that like you say, sometimes if just doesn't happen for some people.

I'm so glad you can relate to what I mean about not being nervous about OLD! Because yes, I too get nervous with people I have a crush on, because I actually care about what they think about me. And if I say or do something stupid, there's a good chance I'll be reliving it next time I see them. A total stranger who I'll almost certainly never see again if I don't want to, what does it matter? But I can see how if that sentiment is unintentionally coming across, then it's probably not doing me any favours with dating!

That's a good point! In my case I do genuinely want a relationship, but plenty of women would much rather be alone than compromise at all, and that's a totally valid position. And that's also a good point that trying too hard to compromise and let go of things that do actually matter to you probably isn't the path to happiness either.

It was kind of a gradual thing tbh, from I'd be open to someone non-religious if he happened to come along to actively not looking for someone religious any more, so it's hard to pinpoint a specific age. But I don't think it did me any favours and I wish I had a do-over. Hindsight is 20:20 and all that though, and religion was important to me in my 20s, so maybe dating someone who wasn't religious when I was much younger wouldn't have worked anyway.

Haha yes I did know that, I was being a bit flippant, although if I had been able to ski maybe I would have gone with her! But I didn't really have the money to go on one when I was younger anyway, then was living in another country which would have made it impractical, and now I'm not really much of a Christian any more, so would feel out of place. So I think I missed the boat really

OP, I was very long time single until 30 and I've now been with my DH for over 20 years. A very good friend of mine was single until late 40s! She met a very wealthy man 10 years older and they've been together for a few years now, travelling the world and very happy! So don't give up, sometimes it just takes some people longer ❤️

Agreed 💯

Miranda found her other half in her 50’s 👍

Thank you, it's great to hear some more encouraging stories!

I hope I don't have to wait that long 😂But it's a good reminder that you're never too old!

With online dating some people feel very strongly about wasting time chatting beforehand as it can build a false intimacy if you don’t feel attraction in person. However IMO I think it can help to build some connection before meeting, particularly if you’re the type of person who really values an emotional connection. It sounds as though you’ve been on dates with people despite having nothing in common? I was very methodical in my approach to dating, and would not meet someone if I didn’t feel we aligned on the basics that I needed (interests, values, goals). Do you message people much before dates, or call / FaceTime? I think there is a balance to be found, as you don’t want to invest too much time into someone you haven’t met but I do think that chatting before meeting can help to build some anticipation and excitement. They are less of a ‘stranger’ then. Otherwise it’s essentially like a blind date and it doesn’t sound like that works for you!

What do you do on dates? I was a serial dater and really enjoyed it (I know this is unusual!) and had no problem with dinner dates straight away / meeting for drinks. If you’re more introverted though maybe this could feel more intense and forced, and a more activity based date could work better? At least initially.

Op it might be down to where you live. I lived in London for a long time in my 20s and early 30s and found that men were often there for a good time or to make money, the ones i met didnt largely were not looking to commit. When I moved back to a town of 300k where I grew up I met my husband within 6 months. I think there was something transitory about London and the men I met always felt there were so many women they could pick and choose and didn't need to settle down.

I always message a reasonable amount beforehand, and the one time I agreed to a date with very minimal messaging was by far my worst experience - hopelessly awkward and we both couldn't wait to get out of there! But apart from filtering out the obvious no hopers I don't find messaging really builds any excitement or anticipation. I think I need to meet before I form any sort of connection, otherwise they still feel like a stranger, albeit one I know a little bit more about.

I do of course have some filters both when swiping and over the course of messaging. But if I held out for guys who look fun/interesting and have multiple things in common with me I'm not sure I'd get any dates at all, so I don't think filtering more is the answer.

I've done a mix of activity dates and just going for dinner. On the plus side I have been to a few more places I might not otherwise have visited, but it doesn't make much difference to how keen I am to see them again, or they me tbh, whether we've played mini golf or been to the zoo or just had a drink. But hey, at least I got to go to the zoo 😅

Hmm I've heard this about London before, but I'm currently in a city bigger than your town but not on London levels, so I'm not sure that's it. Even if it is a problem with where I live currently, I've moved around a lot already, and I'm not willing/able to do that again anytime soon. So not sure there's much I can do on that front

10-15 dates is nothing tbh. If you've only been on that many dates you're not really trying. Any moderately attractive woman will be able to get a decent amount of attention on online dating. It's just the way it works due to the imbalance of men and women. I'm not saying lower your standards but I would start saying yes more than no and see if one of the men you meet surprises you.

Also have you considered speed dating? It's also a numbers game but at least you can "date" 20-25 men in one go rather than individually over weeks and weeks.

OP, you sound great.
Your story has actually taken me back to my early 20s. I grew up in a conservative country where everybody marries their first or second girlfriend/boyfriend that they've been with since they're 16. I missed my chance at the uni - either falling for guys who didn't fancy me and were already 'taken' or rejecting guys whom I didn't fancy. I also had this problem that I talked a lot of my hobby - that was computer games at a time - and I just couldn't behave in a flirty way that men liked in women. My opinions at the time on many things were also very liberal, which was very unusual and unpopular in the society (still is). I was very, very lonely when I graduated and left for another city to work. Everybody was already taken or married by then.
Eventually, as I have grown a little desperate and decided to try new things, I met my future husband online (online dating was a new thing back then) - he was a foreigner and he lived in another country(!). Before him, I had a short fling with a very rich man who couldn't marry me because of his cultural background. It was very intense and emotional - but I never regretted that 'romance' experience, even though it brought me a lot of heartache at a time.
Maybe it would be good for you to loosen up and go crazy for a while. Who knows what might happen?

Op
i also suggest the books get the guy and love life by Matthew hussey, they are really empowering

Reading this thread with interest as I see so much of myself in you. I am long-term single, though I have had several relationships in the distant past, and was pretty wild in my late teens and 20s. But nothing of note since my mid 30s and I'm in my 50s now. I remember the years circa age 37-43 as being absolutely hellish. I was the last remaining non-paired-up member of my friendship group, and could see my fertility and chances of a longed-for family slipping down the drain. Like you, I did all the things I was 'supposed' to do to meet someone and nothing came of it. I put on a face to the outside world but I was falling apart inside. There is a level of shame and humiliation that sometimes accompanies long-term singledom, and I felt utterly miserable/desperate most days.

You will get lots of people on here telling you that you'll find someone at some point, that there's someone out there for everyone, their friend met the love of her life in her 50s/60s/70s etc - and they're right: most people DO meet someone eventually. And you are still young and hopefully have decades ahead of you! So chances are it will happen.

But I also want to say that if things don't 'work out' - as they haven't for me - it does not mean that you can't live a happy and fulfilling life. It has taken me a long time - years - to realise that this is what I am now living, but I am. I have amazing friends, a good job, my own home, a rich inner life, and dozens of interests. And pets! (They really do add a level of companionship that is hard to fathom if you've never had any.) But most of all - I have a sense of equilibrium and peace of mind that I am so grateful for. And when I read so many of the stories on here, I thank my lucky stars that I am not bound up in some godawful abusive relationship that I can't get out of, or financially entangled with someone to the point I'd lose my home/security if we were to break up.

That's not to say I don't ever want a relationship again. I'm totally open to the idea, if someone came along who added something extra to my life. But I'm not doing anything to actively seek it out, and feel none of the desperation and urgency I felt in my late 30s. It is so incredibly freeing.

You want to meet someone and say you 'hate' being single so I hope you find someone who is right for you and makes you endlessly happy. But if it doesn't happen right away I really hope you can make a tiny shift in your mindset away from 'hate' to 'don't particularly like but at least I have a full life in other ways', so that 'hate' doesn't manifest itself as shame or blame or embarrassment and eat away at you. Don't go through the next months/years feeling like you're 'lacking' in some way, like I did. You're not.