Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

Very good advice re social care OP.

I sympathise with what you are going through

You mentioned that you want to continue helping her, but what about getting some extra help involved. Could you contact someone like Age Concern and ask their advice particularly about how you go about getting her a needs assessment when she won't co -operate. What assistance could your mum receive that would cut down the amount you have to do... eg meals on wheels once a week ( if only to have someone else coming in once a week and checking on her) a cleaning service. What issues does she struggle with and could they be simplified by a chair lift or bathroom aids - all this stuff is easy to install and social care will organise it for her. Maybe she would qualify for a weekly carers visit, or lifts to a community centre etc.
Also ask about Respite care and whether she would be eligible to give you a break. Also ask Age concern for advice on being her carer. And if they can recommend someone you could talk to, or even local groups that help.

It really depends on how much help she actually needs and how much time you need/or want to spend with her.

I think doing the above would make you feel less alone in dealing with her. You also need to say to your "busy" siblings that one of them needs to visit your Mum once a month (doesn't matter which one.. they can sort that between them) and help out.. That's just six visits a year each. Even they can manage that. Tell them that you think Mum is capable of cutting them out of the will if they don't... (who knows, she may be?)

Your mother is slowly driving you into the Slough of Despond. And you've had advice on here on turning the conversation. Shutting the unpleasant talk down and saying firmly that she needs to stop or you won't be putting up with it.

Now You really need to prioritise self care over caring for your mother. You have a dodgy gall bladder. They don't go away. Can you see your GP again and ask for treatment? Are you still having pains? Keep a diary of that so you have some info for them. Ask to be referred to a dietician (you should already be if you have gallbladder) keeping an eye on what you eat stop it getting worse is important. (generally its less saturated fat and more fiber - a free app like my fitness pal will help you work out what you are eating and how to tweak it. But if you like cooking then the good dinners you are looking forward to and having are a good think in your life. Sounds like less processed food and therefore probably healthier. 14-16 isn't enormous by anymeans. The dietician will advise. You do lots of walking which is great.. have you got a steps tracker or an app on your phone so you can track it all. It helps motivate you.
Also have you had your five year health check - make sure they do a blood test for things like blood glucose to check for potential diabetes, thyroid and vitamin deficiency. Start taking a daily multivitamin. ( I didn't think these made much difference but they really do, takes consistency and time) . Sleep.. are you getting enough or are you too stressed, again. Ask your Gp. There's also so much advice on sleep online, but go to a credible source.

You don't need to dress up, and the comment about what all men want women to look like was utterly ridiculous, but a few new outfits can make you feel better. Maybe commit to buying a few new items a month, getting your hair cut or done and reconnecting with friends or trying a new hobby. Book this self care time into your weekly diary. The threads on here are full of bargains and advice. And a few new things, even from vinted or charity shop, Next or Tu, can really lift your mood.
I don't think you should jump into dating before self care... but maybe get into practice by arranging something social (on any level, colleagues, old friends, a group, a class) set a target of least twice a month to begin with ( but don't tell yourself off it it doesn't work, just put making the attempt into your diary. That might raise your confidence levels and I think that is all you need. A bit of confidence. You sound like a lovely kind person who is being worn down and having their confidence eroded. Claim it back OP!

Much as you love your mum and care for her so well, she's nasty. Size 14-16 certainly isn't fat! (I'd love to be that size instead of being 22. Married 40 years, was 14 when we got married, my husband has NEVER commented on my weight/size.).

Your mother knows full well what she's doing - being manipulative and destroying any confidence you've got, to keep you there, at her beck and call all the time.

Look into the option of having a carer. Spend less time with your very unpleasant mother. Get ready meals that can be put in the microwave, or make sandwiches and freeze them. Join some groups, get some hobbies, find places to go (without your mum), look for a man (if you want one). You need to live your own life.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

"Mum, I don't appreciate the constant comments on my weight. Cut it out or find someone else to buy your groceries, cook your meals, and sort out your problems."
You don't have to put up with this shit OP.

It’s very interesting that your dm uses food (in this case not eating it) as a weapon or a means to pull you back in.

And that you’ve expressed that her poor diet, is a primary concern if she was cared for by outsiders.

I’m not disputing with you that those things are valid and true but it is giving me pause for thought in the context of the verbal abuse that centres on your weight.

If she only eats peanut butter, that’s a choice she’s making. Just like she’s choosing to abuse you.

Personally I believe that we hold a duty of care to our elders, but that doesn’t mean we have to be the ones to directly provide it. Sometimes, often even, it’s necessary to take a step back.

God, I wish I was a size 16! But I have no willpower and little time to exercise, so here I sit as a size 20 woman that knows she needs to do better.

I was a size 18 when I met my now husband. He's slimmer than me (and 4 stone lighter) but it doesn't bother him.

At a size 14 or even 16 you have nothing to worry about or be ashamed of. Find something you're happy and confident wearing, hold your head up high and get out there!

So your mum is blaming you for the abuse you endured during your relationship? Honestly, I'd be telling her on the spot to apologise for those remarks or she's going to have to fend for herself from now on.

Let her, if that’s what she wants to do. Visit a lot less. Take food etc, so she has the option but you are exposing yourself to so much toxicity trying to make sure she is well taken care of and she is using it to torture you. If you notice that when you withdraw support that she’s not managing any more then contact social care. Self neglect is a safeguarding issue. But stop seeing this as your problem. Do what you need to to make sure she’s not starving to death but if she’s living on banana and peanut butter then she’s not going to die of starvation. Leave her to it. Honestly, you are not responsible for her. Plenty of people have no children or family to care for them and that’s why there’s a safety net

From what I've read, you've tried a fair few things, except for being just as rude back to her
Quite honestly I'd be telling her to shut the hell up and remind her that she should be appreciative that she has a daughter that is kind enough to look after her despite her vile comments towards you. I would cut her off and tell her to shut up every single time. She hasn't been kind to you, you have tried to stop her comments in all the other ways. I think sometimes rude people only respond when they receive rudeness back. I would take headphones with me and tell her if she doesn't stop talking you'll be listening to your music, so you can't hear her anyway and let her rant to herself about your weight if she finds it such an interesting topic of conversation that she can't help herself bringing it up, then she can have that conversation with herself as you won't be participating

Size 14 isn’t fat. Tell your mother to stop making comments about your weight. After she’s been warned, if she comments again, get your coat and walk out. She’ll soon learn. Reduce the number of times you visit.

Yes being rude back.

‘You need to lose weight to attract a man’

‘F*ck off mum, eat your dinner and keep your opinions to yourself’

I mean... 14/16 really ISN'T fat, I was expecting you to say size 30 - and if you were she would STILL be bloody rude to talk to you like that! Her diet certainly doesn't seem healthy, probably much less than yours OP. Tell her to take a long walk on a short plank!

"it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting"

It is also emotionally abusive and is undermining your self esteem and confidence.

OP your Mum is a bully - I cannot imagine anyone saying what she says to any loved relative, let alone one who has significant health issues which affect weight.

You are also being taken for granted by your siblings and I guess have always been the Cinderella of the family.

I lived the other side of the country to my Mum, had hugely pressured job with anti-social hours and a child with a condition that required a lot of hospital stays and visits - still did significant amounts of support for my frail parents and supported my sibling who lived closer in different ways .

Obviously weight is no barrier to relationship. However, hating yourself is.

IF (IF ) you want to lose weigh (and even if you don't) t, it's great that you enjoy cooking and eating. See your body as being worthy of nurturing and looking after. (it is!) , not something to be battled. Cook lovely tasty healthy meals, up the veg content, size down the carb and anything fried content and equip yourself with healthier snacks. Think 'looking after my health, treating my body well' rather than feeling you need to apologise for enjoying food.

I think that having made this post (well done) and acknowledged just how distressing your Mum's behaviour is you can read and reflect on what PP have said and find the way to address your Mum in the way that is best for YOU.

But remember: She says what she thinks - you have an equal right to say what you think!

Some women are just obsessed with weight, and the biggest achievement in their life is staying a size 6 or whatever. It sounds like you have more interesting things to do. The really important element here is not size, but healthiness - if you eat well, keep fit, and have no health issues, you're good.

Honestly if a man would be happy to be with me if only I were three sizes smaller - I mean, if everything else about me was a winner but my size was a deal-breaker - then I would not want him. Such a man would simply be too shallow to interest me. Likewise, I would want a man I love because of who he is, not what he looks like.

Glad someone agrees, I think sometimes people think you can't be rude to old people because it's mean. Being rude to anyone is mean and I would never be rude to someone who wasn't rude to me, but if there's no dementia and they're happy to be horrible and rude to you, why do they deserve more respect than you do?

Since I was about 17 I have been round a 14. Sometimes 12. Other times 20 . When pregnant 22 . Never had a problem with men. Been with my dh over 20 years now.
What I do have is a few relatives 75 plus who seem to think they are well within their rights to tell everyone how to live their lives. Especially when it comes to weight. They are obsessed that women should be super slim. I avoid them as much as possible.
But also I now say quite firm. Stop. If you cant say something nice then dont mention at all. Or something similar.
I have daughters and cant have them influence how they think.

I am a size 14 - 16 and 48 and met my partner 3 years ago. He likes my size. Her prefers a curvy lady. I'd prefer to be my old pre-meno size 12 but he likes me as I am. You are not too fat for a relationship - your mum is just horrible.

No. I went from a size 20 to a size 10 and it made zero difference to my dating life (still as dead as ever) though I do get treated better by all people inc strangers!

The trouble with making the kind of threat that's very difficult to follow through is that she knows you won't do it and therefore doesn't take it seriously.

You need to give her a realistic consequence and then do it, come hell or high water.

"Mum, one more crack about my weight and I'm leaving". And do it, even if you're in the middle of cooking or making an appointment for her or whatever. Just grab your keys and leave.

Every single time.

Someone saying size 14 is overweight....are you serious....

As the song goes : she's perfect 10 but she wears 12

Steptoe and Son springs to mind

But you don't have to move house, you just have to leave her house. Not forever, just once (or five times, or however many times it takes until she learns). Tell her that you are closing the whole topic and she may not comment on your body again. Then if she does, tell her you're going home now and you won't be getting her groceries this week or taking her to her appointment tomorrow or whatever. Then (this is the crucial bit) - DON'T. The next week, go back to helping her if she sticks to the new rule, and not if she doesn't. She'll soon catch on. Just like she learnt that your past threats were empty, she'll learn if they're now not. But you have to mean what you say and stick to it.

She is being ridiculous. By the way you are talking you'd think you weighed 20 stone. You don't. You'll have to be sharp if you want this to stop or it never will. Say if you mention weight again I'm going home. And go. And set things up to make things easier for yourself. A lot of good suggestions.

This thread is wild.

The average women's dress size in the UK is 16. According to your mother most women in the UK would be single?!

This is absolutely emotional blackmail

@WildflowerGardens- I’m sorry you are going through this. You most definitely are NOT too fat (or too anything else negative) for a relationship. Try and put that thought to rest.

Your mum is the same generation as mine and I remember her always being on a diet, her and all her friends. Huge value was placed on being slim, and they were proud to lose all the baby weight quickly etc. Not all, obviously, but many women felt pressure to maintain a ‘nice figure’ and magazines/society fed into this.

If it’s any consolation at all, I’m a size 10 and my DM often commented that I wasn’t as slim as I used to be, wasn’t a slim as her, it was a shame my legs were chunky etc etc. I always felt my body was a disappointment to her! I might even have had a better marriage if I’d had nice legs, because men like nice legs (and she ended up with my dad because she also had chunky legs).

It’s a very odd conditioning that they weee bombarded with, having also been raised by parents used to war time rations.