Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

My mother was just like this! Always slender and very good looking herself she wanted me to be the same, which I was until I had my second child and began to struggle with my weight. She would always comment on my weight and how I had "let yourself go". If she had any cake or other snacks in the house when I visited she would hide it in a high cupboard and not let me have any. At one point she even banned me from the county she lived in until I had lost weight.
I now think this is because she had issues around weight herself and maybe low self esteem caused her to believe that she would not be loved or valued if she was more than 8st. In extreme old age she lied about what she ate and what she weighed, going down to maybe 7st but refusing to accept the truth of this.
She did not have dementia.
The strange thing was that my mother did not go on about other relations being overweight, although some of them were far bigger than size 16. According to my mother my s-i-l had bloating, my cousins job was very stressful and another cousin just ate too much fruit, so they had good excuses, whereas I did not.
I believe it was just a way of having some control over me, and perhaps validating her own feelings about her size and weight, in that if she succeeded in bringing me into line she was right.
I live an hour and a half drive from where my mother lived, so I didn't see her that frequently. I was not the golden child so I didn't get as involved as I might have done when she needed help.

Your DM has the build and energy needs of a willow wand. This isn't surprising, as she sits on her bottom all day waiting to be fed and watered by you.

Your DM: Slimmer...diet...getting man...keeping man...yadayadayada...

You: Mother, if I had as little going on in my life as you do in yours, I might put being a size 8 at the top of my to-do list. But here we are. And if you keep on about it, I'm out of here and someone else can enjoy the delights of your conversation.

Even if you don't think you can go NC, there would be no harm in reminding your DM that you have choices. You have two potentially very serious health issues and you have to prioritise yourself more than you currently are. If your DM responds to your love and care in such a belittling fashion, maybe it's time she was warned not to take you for granted.

You've asked her to stop many times and she ignores you yet you say you aren't prepared to issue an ultimation - if that's truly the case I think you need to resign yourself to her continued criticism.

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught her that no matter what you say or she says she says you will continue to serve her and be her reluctant emotional support. At the moment what she does works well for her, but not so well for you. You can't change her behaviour but you can change your response. Take some of the good advice in here and stop being a doormat.

This

Next time she says you're obsessed with food your reply should be
You mean like how your weirdly obsessed with my weight and body ?
and if she says No I'm not
you say well you mention it every time I'm here.
No I don't - Yes you do. it's getting tedious / I'm sick hearing it/ the doctor says my weight is within a normal range.

Answer her back every time - if she still denies saying it then you bring out
well now I'm worried you're getting dementia. Maybe I should make you a doctors appointment.

If you go in the next day and she says it again you say in a weary voice not this again and repeat as required.

I mean, yes! You’re in a nasty co-dependent relationship, how would you ever meet anyone given you spend all your time with her? My mother is similar, eats Gu puddings and half a slice of bread if left to her own devices despite being perfectly capable of cooking/making meals. I’ve had the weight conversation so often with her, but please don’t blame me for being fat at 5!

My DH has known me as fat most of our relationship with a couple of years slim, now hopefully permanently. Bar worrying about how I’ll cope in the future with potential health issues, he wasn’t bothered, was attracted to me regardless at whatever weight, size 14, size 24.

Do what I’ve done recently, get her a cleaner, plus whatever other support she needs and withdraw services! I’m fortunate to live hours away, me and my sibling very deliberately moved far away. Why do your siblings really have so little contact? You really need to evaluate what you want to do as opposed to simply being her career, the others don’t care enough to do it and you’ve basically let them off the hook by being the default. Is this how it’s going to be if she lives for another 10 years?

Did you mean to be so rude?

As the person on the thread who has said they met their spouse while wearing uniform, I am under no illusion that this was aimed at me.

The implication of your statement is that my husband only noticed me because I was the only woman there, that he was desperate, and it doesn't matter either what I look like or whether I am an interesting person. You would be wrong on all those points.

Not read full thread so someone may have already mentioned but do you think this is said out of fear that you may meet someone and then you wouldn’t be there as her constant support? Almost to destroy your confidence so you wouldn’t think anyone would want you.

A happy and confident you is going to be 100x more attractive regardless of your size. Work on your self confidence and try to show your mum how hurtful and unhelpful her comments are.

Plenty of men like to eat and enjoy their food. Plenty of men are attracted to women size 16 and above. These are not barriers to being happy or finding a partner.

Your mum sounds nasty and unsurprising your siblings give her a wide birth.
Some is probably due to her generation. My mum is 80 and makes comments occasionally but wouldn’t be constant or nasty.
The only time I’ve lost weight is when I prioritised myself.
I’d get some you time in for hobbies, socialising, exercise, college course whatever you fancy. Then tell siblings they need to step up you can’t do mums tea on a Tues as you are at x class or Thursday as you are at y.
Foodwise I’d prepare things that suit you.
If she starts I’d say that’s nonsense, please don’t do it.
I definitely think speak to siblings it’s not fair you are Cinderella doing everything.

That's me fucked then.

Thankfully, I don't believe a word of it.

I'm a fella, have male mates from all walks of life, all different sizes, ages, and personalities, I get the gossip, who they fancy and many of them like a size 14 to 18. You're mum is simply wrong

Projection

The nuclear option is to say ok mother, I’ve joined a gym and then just not be available to take her shopping, appointments etc. Oh no it’s body bump at 6 you’ll need to ask sister and repeat. Actually joining gym optional.

Has OP's mother found this thread or was there a full 🌙 last night?

I’m pro OP. Some of you ignoring the context completely. Two issues here - relationship with her mum ( which many of you have rightly pointed out); marketing in the dating ( visuals are important). OP can’t expect different results if she is doing the same thing repeatedly.
The pile on here made me laugh. Check the multiple mounjaro threads and threads about what type of man the majority of women fancy! Don’t be hypocrites

I'd be pointing out that part of the reason you haven't met anyone is because you're the only one out of all of her children who offer her care. I'd also point out that the way she constantly berates you about your weight has majorly affected your confidence, hence you not actually wanting to attempt to meet anyone. I'd also remind her that it's not your fault that her body has grown old, and so there's no point in being bitter towards you. I'm a size 10 and single. It's not all about weight at all. I can relate to this post, my mum is a UK size 6, I'm a UK size 10 and my weight has always been a topic for her to nail in on. I'd much rather be a kind person than a skinny, bitter woman.

I’m generally not known for my empathy but I genuinely mean this to be helpful.

There are people in relationships that are morbidly obese, that are in some sort of sick fetish feeder relationship, that are actually objectively ugly in appearance, or have personality flaws or no personality at all - none of this sounds like you. I say this only to point out that finding a relationship (especially a happy and healthy relationship) ultimately comes down to luck.

You seem like an average sized woman. Could you be thinner? Sure. Would you then miss out on meeting a guy who likes to go to restaurants and eat good meals with you? Maybe. You seem kind and caring, looking after your mother. However, you’ve said you’re life is monotonous, you’re spending a chunk of your time caring and shopping for your mother and I’m a big believer in the saying, “if nothing changes, nothing changes”. You’re not too far for a relationship, but you aren’t going to magically have a man appear at your door step. You need to change things up and at least give yourself the opportunity of coming across new people. Maybe sign up for a cooking class?

Also, be mindful to not let your mums words crush your self esteem to the point that you end up in an abusive relationship or the wrong relationship.

when my dad was ill he got nasty to me. they say they are cruel nasty to those closest to them, size 14 is normal wgen i saw your title to your post i thought you were going to say i am 20 stone or something, its hard caring for a loved one, your family should be helping not leaving it all to you, be kind to yourself see if gp can help with support good luck

Please don’t put yourself down. My gran is 83 and always goes on about being fat etc. she is honest and says you’ve put on weight etc but she isn’t horrible about it. She has always struggled with her weight too. I’m a 16 on bottom and 18 or XL on top because I’m big chested if I wasn’t I’d definitely be 14-16. I’m average height. I have hips and a bum and thighs. Of course there’s days where I’m like urghhhh at my stomach as I still have a mum tum however everything else I like. I’ve been a size 8 and still had the same hips bum and boob size and honestly I looked ill I looked like a lollipop. It wasn’t a good look. Ideally I’d love to be a size 14 on the bottom. But overall I’m fine with how I look and my size. I’m not lazy I eat relatively good, If I never then of course I’d blame myself. We are all different shapes and sizes there is no one size fits all. Embrace your size and if there’s changes to make then small changes go a long way. You seem like an incredibly lovely person caring for your elderly parents. Xx

This is true. I have to brutally honest, however, and say that most men prefer thin women. They just do.

You have to let go of the idea that if you can just come up with the perfect response that your mother will be like 'of course, you're right' and never mention it again. You can't control another person and what they say. You can only control yourself. Let her say what she wants and let her deal with the consequences. And you be strong enough to sit through the discomfort of the consequences. She's horrible to you, you no longer do all the caring and work for her, she decides not to eat. That's her choice and her consequences. You are too enmeshed and have to disentangle.
And you're not too fat for a relationship. I know many great people who have not ended up in a relationship, or who met someone later in life, not because of their weight, or anything they did, just because of circumstances.
You should go get therapy to help you unmesh yourself from your mum and plan the steps forwards into the life you want and deserve.

I'm sorry, OP, but she is torturing you psychologically. And enjoying it. Some mothers are like that (read Susan Forward, Peg Streep, Karyl McBride, Kelly McDaniel). You could look for the "But we took you to Stately Homes" thread here, for some knowledgeable perspective and advise.
Are you sure you are the one who has to care for her?

She is ruining your life and you are letting her.

Your mother is jealous of you. You deserve better x