Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

Your comment about eating three eggs for dinner when dieting makes me think you might do with some help re that? But only if you want be slimmer. Hated on here but I would highly recommend SlimmingWorld, groups are nice and social too. You can still have a great evening meal.

re your Mum - just saying stop talking about my weight, keep leaving the room, go less. Claim bad back or something. I think weight obsession is comment of her generation, successful women were movie stars or married to rich men - reality is different.

my MIL is 80, couldn’t hide her delight about my weightloss, so much so that it was horribly awkward- generation thing?

I simply don’t know where to begin with this.

I will try to be kind. Are you seriously suggesting that no woman above a size 20, who isn’t prepared to spend 2 hours every morning doing hair and make up (hell’s teeth!) cannot be in a relationship? And cannot be sexual or loved? Seriously?!

Could you, perhaps, apply some critical thinking here on whether this is likely to be true at a population level, rather than from your own circle of men of your acquaintance (who must, by any standard, be massive arseholes)?

I see I didn’t succeed at being entirely kind. Sorry.

Answer to your question is of course not!

It sounds more like her problem than yours. Don't let her project her obsession with weight onto you. People of all shapes and sizes form happy loving relationships all over the world. The only thing stopping you will be your mother's negative messaging.

What will potentially harm your potential to form relationships and also potentially lead you into not very good ones, is if your self-esteem is completely undermined or if you become obsessed with outward appearance, rather than building your self-esteem and interests and a satisfying life for yourself. Don't lose your ability to think for yourself and say no when someone is undermining you.

You need to tell your mother to stop it for your own sake. I think the advice you received somewhere above to state why are you saying these hurtful things and cut it out, and saying that's enough and leaving if necessary is the best advice I've seen. Be your own champion.

Her drumming all that into your head has made you think you're some sort of gigantic beast, and that makes you unworthy to be loved. Which may I add is rubbish.
You're an average size, and despite any ones size, you're still worthy and can find love.
There's more to a person than their clothes size, and there's plenty of people who would agree.

@YourBrickTiger

Again in my experience this is sadly true. It’s my experience, not saying I agree but any woman I know personally who is married or has a long term partner is slim and must get up two hours before work to do hair and make up. Sadly I have never met anyone above a size 20 who is in a happy relationship or has a partner who can honestly say is sexually attracted to them. Men are visual and we are under so much pressure to be and look ‘perfect’.

WTF have I just read? 😂 What a load of old cobblers! 😬

Do you live in Stepford perchance???

You can't change her, but you can choose how you respond and what you do. You can take an extended break from this. You're not responsible for making sure she eats properly. Let her carry on.

You are not too fat for a relationship!! Size 14-16 is fairly normal size.

I'm a size 16 and am 5ft 5 so I am considered as overweight for my height, and I am trying to slowly lose weight too for health reasons, but like you I also love food and cooking so I find it hard.

But reality is my size has zero to do with being in a relationship as most men don't mind. My husband doesn't. What men find attractive is confidence and making the best of yourself and making an effort to look and smell nice etc. and of course your personality. Please ignore your mother.

No it's fine not MY suggestion. Sadly what I have been told by people around me. That's the truth of what I have been told at size 16/18. As another poster says, perhaps I'm in the wrong circles. Ya think?! I advised the OP NOT to listen to this, I was just telling her what I have heard and been subjected to and wanted unhelpfully to share it. I have been referred to as a 'heffer' a 'whale' and 'bog standard' by people in my immediate circle, and by the person I loved the most as 'I would want you thin'.

It's HORRIBLE but it does happen to women. Men too I'm sure.

You are not fat.
You aren’t meeting anyone, because you’re not going anywhere to meet anyone.
Your mum is undermining you, and any confidence you have left. It’s unhealthy and needs to stop.

You need to understand that you need respect - and don’t accept this behaviour from anyone, your mum, a BF anyone!

You need to put some boundaries in place with Mum that you are able to keep - as another post says, ”I’ll have to stop visiting (as much?) if you keep talking about my weight”. This is not the same as statements like ”I’ll move far away” which you don’t mean and can’t do.

Jesus christ !!!!!! I have NEVER EVER heard such complete total and utter garbage in all my life!!!! If you are really this shallow with these opinions then I'm very sorry for you. In MY experience, quite the reverse is true. Decent, real men want decent real women as long term partners. They don't want some artificial fake manufactured object!! NOBODY is perfect all the time. Everyone's weight changes over the years. But it's the character and personality of the person that keeps the love alive. Caring, consideration, generosity, love, friendship.... they're the attractive LASTING qualities. OP.... you have every right to your own life. Take back control of it. You only get one shot !!!

No but it's possible I'm surrounded by Stepford people.

AI guesstimates that 15 million women in the UK are size 14 to 16. That’s a lot of unlovable women. It’s utter bollocks. Have an honest word with your mother about boundaries and appreciation.

If the person I loved the most said such a thing to me, no matter what size I was, they would soon find themselves as being the person I pitied and loathed the most. I'd also be seriously questioning my judgment skills in people.

Where are all your boyfriends then Mum?

It's not me who shallow - please read what I wrote! It's what others have told ME!

Of course it's nonsense. You are not even that overweight. Does you mum mean you may have more confidence if you were slimmer? Perhaps you should just tell her you don't want a shallow man who values you for your weight rather than your personality.

No... you constantly say "in my experience " .... you don't anywhere say that you find these attitudes unacceptable.

Absolutely terrible. I’m sincerely sorry that this had been your experience. Honestly though, there are far, far better people to know and associate with than you have so far.

Please give me the benefit of doubt here I did my best to explain. Yes it is my experience and what I have been subject to and experienced. If it's unhelpful or triggering I've no issue with it being removed. Of course I find it unacceptable, it's torturing me and it's really really hurtful. Everyone should be loved regardless of size etc. Sorry if I didn't explain that.

You really need new friends. This is not usual, ime. Of course, a few people will call you names; that happens no matter what size you are. Trust me, I have been at both ends of the weight spectrum and everywhere in between. Someone will always find something to pick at; it is a reflection on them, not you.

The people you care about should not care what you look like. They should not call you names. If they are worried about your health, there are gentle ways to raise that. Other than the health aspect, weight is just a number; it means nothing in terms of how attractive you are or how valuable you are as a person, and it certainly does not affect how lovable you are.

As I said earlier in the thread, people, men and women alike, have different preferences when it comes to physical attractiveness. Anyone of any size is attractive to someone.

Sadly I have never met anyone above a size 20 who is in a happy relationship or has a partner who can honestly say is sexually attracted to them. Men are visual and we are under so much pressure to be and look ‘perfect’.

Bullshit.

Not bullshit to be told behind your friend's back that her husband wasn't attracted to her due to her size and that he wished she looked more like our other (size 10) friend. In fact his exact words were 'I can't have a whale sitting on top of me I wish she was just small enough for me to pick up and shag on the counter' :(

She is still with him. She knows he talks about her, and they are both miserable. One of my cousins cannot bear to share a bed with his wife because she's a size 22 and said he was only sexually attracted to her when she was a size 10.

It does happen. It's wrong and very very sad but it does happen.

My friend Alison is a size 20. She is beautiful. Granted, she probably does get up early because her make up and hair is always perfect. She has just celebrated 20 years with her husband (not 20 years married). She has always been big even when young, and they are very happy and he loves and fancies her, and vice versa. She's just been in hospital with a horrendous illness and had to have dressings on wounds and things. He still loves her! They are still happy.

@YourBrickTiger consider, the OP is a human being going through something. Are you helping her?

It's ok to make your own thread if you need support.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if it has been mentioned, but there are a whole squad of us dealing with difficult mothers on the Elderly Parents board. And at least one poster whose mother controls her own food intake to guilt her daughters and refuses outside help. Might be worth a read.