Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

@WildflowerGardens your mum is emotionally abusing you. She is an adult, if she makes the choice not to eat, that's up to her. She sees food as a weapon at all ends. You sound like such a wonderful person.

Have you tried - wiltshire farm foods frozen meals or Parsley Box freezed dried can be stored in cupboard meals with her? If it effort from her meal prep wise could help - also eco dot to remind her meal times and med time might be worth considering.

I do agree she just being nasty and you need to step back - or let her get ill so services step in - and yes that's hard to do and you may need to find some RL support.

I'd also say GM was bright as a button with money but struggling in other areas as she had dementia - so wouldn't rule that out though if she always been like this it's less likely to be a sign like persoanlity change.

OP do you live with your mum? Or do you rely on her financially? Carers allowance? You don't need to live like this. There's lots of wise ladies here who can advise.

If you cannot change the amount of contact you have and she won't change what she is saying, change the way you respond to it. Reframe everything as her expressing her love and concern for you.

Oh mum thank you for caring so much about me that you obsess over my eating, bless you for spending all day thinking about this you mustn't worry so much I am taking good care of myself - I had a lovely dinner last night.

Mum thank you for worrying about me being single it's so nice to know you care about my future and want me to have companionship later in life, I promise I will look out for the right one. You mustn't worry that I won't find someone it will give you stress and anxiety.

You are so sweet to remind me about men being fickle you raise a fantastic point about making sure not to find someone who will be too obsessed with women staying slim, I will make sure I check that out with any suitors they absolutely must not be sizeist. I agree with you on that.

I suspect deep down there is true concern for you as the youngest and the most available to her. She may have her own deep seated issues of being worried about people getting close to her and keeps them all in the safest place for her by handing out acerbic comments that she somehow believes is the best thing she can do. You cannot change others but you can change how you manage them.

It’s never held me back. I’m 5’9” and have been everything for a size 10/12 (very skinny for me) to an 18/20. I have been proposed to 3 times. My husband met me at a 14/16, still loved me at an 18/20 and loves me now at a 16. He’s put on a few stone but I don’t care at all I love him and who he is.

Your mum is being deeply unpleasant . But, in a wider context, there are things you can do to reduce your size - focus on other things in life apart from eating and cooking, take up a sport, paining, reading, volunteering , join an exercise class etc.

I used to be overweight (mainly due to greed, but I made lots of excuses). However, life transformed once I mustered up the courage to lose weight and tone my body. Good luck!

A relationship will come when you gain more confidence in yourself.

You give your dress size as 14-16, but didn't give your height, so you could actually be fairly slim if you are tall. Is your mum one of the ladies with a borderline eating disorder who see's their whole life and worth through the filter of slimness?

Your mother is bullying you over your weight. It sounds awful and I'm sorry you are going through this. I really don't think there is some magic bullet or phrase that will stop her, sadly, or you would have found it by now.

You say in your first post you won't issue an ultimatum or cut her off, which I understand but unfortunately this is the standard way to treat people who are this difficult. I really would look into getting support from siblings and carers as far too much of her care is falling on you!

Your mum is actually not totally wrong but she's going about it in completely the wrong way. If you listen to/read men on this matter being honest, it's obvious they are mostly attracted to women of a healthy weight. (My BMI is 34 so not me!) It's true many men will love and still be attracted to their wives who have gained weight over the years but that's different to meeting a new prospective partner.

But your main issue right now is that you are single with no partner/family of your own, on a low income and that you are doing the lions share of caring for a relative who is mean to you. This is all really unfair on you and you really need to be assertive and make changes. I would hate to think of you in the same position down the track but 15 years older, you need to be sorting YOUR future.

I mean, you can look around you every single day of your life and see people much, much bigger than you walking down the street with their partners, so clearly you are not 'too fat for a relationship'. But you know that.

Your mother sounds like a complete arsehole, frankly, and needs to be told to shut up about your appearance if she wants you to continue caring for her. She knows full well that she's hurting you and she's doing it on purpose.

If you have had any difficulties forming relationships in recent years, my guess is that the main reason is the fact that you spend so much time at the beck and call of your elderly mother.

you get what you put up with in life. Don’t put up with this. Everyone she makes a comment, drop everything and leave the house. Not the room, the house. She’ll learn very fast.

Bloke here. Happy to answer the question.

No.

Hope that helps x

Of course you are not too fat for a relationship, that's a daft thing to say.

I think you need to get out of the house - more paid work, more social activities.

Then your mum's needs and opinions will become lower priority and your happiness will grow.

Who knows where that would lead - fun times ahead!

No you're not too fat for a relationship. Your mum is mean-spirited. I know you said you don't want to cut her off, but it feels like you've really put your life on hold for her.

Don't waste your life (or even your 30's!) centering her.

She’s so wrong it’s laughable. I’d just sit her down and explain you are not going to put up with this nonsense anymore. Give her a clear consequence. Eg If you mention my weight/dieting or anything related to that I will leave and not come back for 24 hours. If you do it a second time 2days, and so on. If we get to me leaving for the seventh time, I’m afraid I’m going to not see you for a month. It’s up to you Mum.

As far as dieting size goes, you’re fine and I’d just enjoy your 30s. Life is too short for this nonsense.

I think I know why your siblings are "too busy" to help with your mum.

You sound like you've been bullied most of your life. I'd do some work on having kind but firm boundaries.

I was a size 22 when I got married, and was probably an 18-20 when I met dh. I’m now a 30-32, and he still loves me and lusts after me.

When the right person comes along, @WildflowerGardens, they will love you exactly as you are. Your mum is being cruel.

Oh god my mum was like this, and if I got upset and snapped it was always “oh you’re so sensitive/I was only saying/you take things the wrong way”
she was forever telling me people were staring at my weight, how ugly I was, how awful I looked. buying me size 24 clothes and saying they would be about right and just loose enough

I was a size 14/16 then and she was a size 26
I often wonder why she had me when she hated me so much

I don’t date but that’s mostly because of that and I’m worried that I’ll meet the men who are “she’s ok to sleep with but I won’t be seen in public with her”

Honestly, I wouldn't take it to heart as I find once people reach a certain age they have no filter and are brutal whether what they are saying is true or not. My gran started saying things she'd never have said 10 years prior when she hit a certain age. I certainly wouldn't walk away like some people would suggest. She probably thinks she's helping in her own way. I'd just remember where she's at and not take it personally/laugh it off. I know easier said than done. Your weight sounds fine tbh, but if you want to tone up then I'd start running and do pilates, also fine to keep going as you are if you are happy with yourself. It has to be for you if you make a change, never for a man.

Oh dear… Are you a teen boy that has seen Malena a few times too many?

All men like different things.

I match your exact description. Get quite a lot of attention when out and about, waiters, baristas, shop assistants falling over themselves, men tapping their friends on the shoulder… Attention doesn’t equal long-term compatibility and love.

Truth is in dating, many men in 2025 want someone who’s casual, approachable, fun, easygoing. Jeans and t-shirt girl.

If you look around in any public space north of London, it’s normal sized, normal women who aren’t particularly dolled up that have a partner.

As for the OP… Yes there are certain men for whom weight is a big deal. I’ve dated some of them. Based on what you’ve described about your joyful personality, you don’t want to date them. That’ll be the kind of guy that’s basically your mother in a man’s body, having weight conversations every day, with a FIL/ MIL that says how much they ‘hate fat women’ etc.

It’s not about the number of guys, but attracting that one guy that actually clicks with you, and that’s about so much more than weight.

I weighed 25 stone when I met my husband and think he weighed like 2 stone lol

20+ years later, we have raised a child together, worked together, bought a home together and own a business.

I now weigh 9 stone something and he weighs more than me for the first time since we met. This only happened recently.

All of that to say that weight isn't the be all and end all for everyone.

The older generation were taught to be slim and attractive to one another, but healthy and vibrant, and don't understand that things are different now.

Being overweight is more accepted and not the barrier it was in their time.

Think advice is coming from a good place, with poor delivery, but that's generational. The OTs are very blunt but they were raised that way!

Again in my experience this is sadly true. It’s my experience, not saying I agree but any woman I know personally who is married or has a long term partner is slim and must get up two hours before work to do hair and make up. Sadly I have never met anyone above a size 20 who is in a happy relationship or has a partner who can honestly say is sexually attracted to them. Men are visual and we are under so much pressure to be and look ‘perfect’.

Please don’t shoot me but this is all my experience. I even know a girl (my age went to school together) whose 60 year old father left her mother, and them, to start a new family based in Thailand with a 30 year old who he is regularly seen with feeling up in pictures, because her mother who had given him 30 years of her life and 3 kids, found her unattractive due to her arthritis and aging. He has four new kids with this new woman. That’s the second man I know who has left his wife and family for a younger Asian model. A friend of mine told me when her husband and her got together (both v pretty people) that he had to give thought to his gene pool when considering a bride.

I am not saying it’s right but in my experience now, unless you do look a certain way at all times, you certainly can’t be sexual or loved. Please please someone prove me wrong. Please!

OP can’t stress enough this is my experience and your mother of all people should not be criticising you.

Older people shouldn't be let off for being down right rude because of generational differences,
Op has made many attempts at making sure her mother knows it is offensive and she is ignoring it.
Sometimes rude people get old. Now they are just rude old people, that doesn't get them let off the hook
I've known many people ops mother's age and almost all of them would be horrified if such words came out of their mouths, because they are kind people

Your mother is being hurtful and unkind with her comments. However as someone who had been very obese and is now in the just overweight category I have found a big difference in how I’m treated by men.

Your circle seem to have very skewed values. None of this applies in my family or amongst my friends and most of us have been married or in long-term relationships for decades.

@WildflowerGardens does your mother tell you stories of how men found her so beautiful they were lined up to marry her when she was young? Was your father a disappointment to her? Was she obsessed with her looks?

You deserve to live a happy and healthy (or as healthy as possible) life.

Being a healthy weight is important for mental and physical health. But underlying health issues (such as anxiety) or even non-pathological struggles (such as being overwhelmed with caring responsibilities) will make it difficult to achieve (and maintain) healthy weight loss.

I would therefore like to encourage you to focus on mental and physical health. AKA accessing medical care and ensuring that your caring responsibilities won't prevent you from living your life!

BTW: I met my fiance when I was fat. He has loved me back then and continued / continues to love me at a healthy weight and everything in-between. Don't let anyone tell you you're "too fat" to live your life! Whether that's going abroad, being in a relationship, attending a yoga class.