Husband wants me to work full-time

[Lovelifesmile]

My husband and I have two children (aged 4 and 2). I currently work the equivalent of 3 days a week doing shift work and my husband works full-time at 5 days per week. I would like to work the equivalent of 4 days per week when my youngest child goes to school. My husband wants me to go full-time. My husbands income is £2700 per month. My income part-time 3 days per week is £2200 and if I worked 4 days per week I would earn £2900. We are comfortable financially as we are currently, and would be very comfortable with me going 4 days per week. I want to use the 'day off' per week to do the food shop, house cleaning, washing, gardening maintenance and food prep. My values are that I want to earn enough money to be comfortable, but also have time to do the housework, appointments, school admin and help with homework to free up our weekends to go out and not to household chores on the weekend. It appears my husband values money the most. If I was full time I would take home £3400 per month so it's a difference of £500 per month. I am more than happy for him to also drop to 4 days per week to spend more time with the children if he wants to, but he doesn't wish to do this.

How’s he going to find the time for rock climbing and Iron Man when he has to take on much more of the household responsibilities? They’re currently borne by you being part time but he’s going to need to vastly increase his share if you went FT.

'DH on 4 days a week I'm already expected to provide a greater amount of family income and do the bulk of housework/organising /admin/food shopping, why would you ask me to add a fifth day's work to that equation' ?

when my youngest started school I thought I would up my hours to school hours. (Own business, flexible). I’d previously done about 10 a week and no outsourced childcare.,

I lasted about one month because our quality of life totally plummeted.

i used to get all the chores, errands, admin, shopping…everything..done in the week and our lovely weekends were actual downtime, family time, my hobby, his.

then for that month, we were doing all of that all weekend.

our lives were just work, some unpaid, some not.

if you can afford it, and it won’t affect your career not to, I would never advise both parents of young children to work full time, as their work/life balance won’t be good.

If he wants more money - he can go earn it! You are contributing a fair share and you won't get the time back with your little ones. Having the breathing space of doing all the life admin stuff on that one day will free you up to be more present and enjoy the weekend with the kids. Otherwise you will be run ragged.

Tell him to sod off!

The fact he thinks he'll have the TIME and funds if you go 5 days a week tells me he doesn't do much around the house in terms of cleaning etc otherwise he wouldn't be under the illusion that you going 5 days a week would give him extra time to indulge in a time consuming hobby!

Yanbu. I'd love to do what you were proposing as will ultimately creates more family time at the weekends.

If he continues in this vein:

1. tot up and explain how much more it is going to cost a month to outsource the deep cleaning, chores etc (eg when I go back to work - on mat leave - I'll be outsourcing ironing).

1. He needs to get a better paid job

Op you haven't said how running the family home looks if you do decide to work more hours, the chores op is he happy to do big food shop, cleaning, gardening , probably while trying to entertain two little ones,

Also he works two days from home how does that look in school holidays when it's raining and two little are running around the house, school term time is on its own a nightmare to factor in when you work full-time,

Serious conversation needed here op,
While you can do 3 days please continue as you never get that time back with the children, if you go full-time you will never return back to part time as the money is accounted for,

Does he/is he willing to do his share of cleaning, cooking, childcare, school and nursery runs, etc? We both work 5 days but we split everything else very equally so it works. No way would I work full time and do everything else, nor would I expect a man to. I strongly believe both work and non work tasks should be shared as equally as possible.

Nope. I worked 9-3 five days a week. Did the school runs and all the housework, shopping. That was more than enough.

Just say no.

This. He wants a standard of living that's beyond his means and he's shameless enough to demand you provide it.
Does he have a mate that goes rock climbing?

It really isn’t any kind of leap to assume that a person who thinks training for an iron man with 2 under 5s is possible, has absolutely no clue, and thus doesn’t do it, of the sheer amount of work involved in the unpaid load.

I'd add that it is highly insulting and aggravating when men don't appreciate or understand the value of unpaid household work and instead choose to disregard it.

He has an arrangement that suits him. You're allowed to have an arrangement that suits you. Stick to your plan to go back 4 days.

And you do shift work as well. It would be so gruelling being full time and doing the majority of the housework and chores as well (which it sounds like you’d need to do if he commits to the Iron Man program). What about appointments for the children? So much of my days not working has been allocated to taking them to various appointments.

I could never love a man that much and over time, the resentment would eventually poison the marriage.

Hmm, didn’t you ever discuss your very different attitudes to family life? It sounds like he likes the traditional set up where you are essentially the default parent and domestic slave but also expects you to more than cover the financial burden.

It’s time to have a serious talk about the disparity in his thinking. If money is so important to him, what’s stopping him from earning more? It sounds like his wants are his major priority. This doesn’t sound like a man who is particularly suited to family like aka putting the needs of others before his own.

Unfair, maybe he doesn't want to feel like all salary goes on bills and wants a bit of fun money. Needs more family joint income coming in to do this.

Nice try. If a woman was asking her husband to do full time shift work (ie a lot harder than regular 9-5) so she could buy a horse then she’d be told she was entitled too!

He is being selfish and I feel cross on your behalf. Please just stick to going to 4 days!

I think a frank and honest conversation is needed about the reality of you going back up to FT hours. And what it will mean now that you are a larger family.

So your time currently is spent doing X hours at work, Y hours on housework and chores, Z hours doing child-related things. And you have to sleep so you realistically only have A hours for personal time. If you increase the work hours to X+8 or X+16, depending on 4 or 5 days, where are those extra 8 or 16 hours going to come from. And what compromises as a family will be needed to allow that.

What flexibility that you currently have will you lose, to deal with Drs or other appointments during the working week, school meetings (and all the annual shows, parent/teacher meetings, etc), dentist trips for you and DC, any business appointments needed like occasional trips to the bank or whatever?

What is the plan for afterschool care if you are working? That is an extra cost to factor in. And it becomes trickier as DC get older and many of the potential afterschool activities they could do are midweek afternoons when you will be working (sports of all kinds, drama, music, scouts, cookery school, book club, ….depends on your area generally and also on your PTA for what’s offered in school) - many afterschool clubs only want to collect DCs immediately at the end of the normal school day, won’t facilitate activities afterschool either at school or elsewhere.

What will happen all the household chores you do?

I would also have a similar XYZA accounting of hours for DH, even if approximate, to show the balance (or imbalance) currently and how his numbers would also have to change.

Or will you need to buy in services like cleaner, afterschool, food prep boxes, online groceries and delivery fees,….? How much Willy hat cost, and take away from your increased pay?

And if his plan is that you use the extra money for his hobbies and big holidays - are you getting even less leisure time? And will you have the holidays available from work to go away that much, especially as you’ll need spare days for school events and how will you cover school holidays as they are longer than annual leave allowances usually. Camps for younger DC are hard to find and expensive, and even for older DCs, they tend to be 10am-2pm rather than full day.

Ask lots of questions about what his solutions are for these problems - have some ideas, but try to allow him to come to the conclusion himself that it’s not feasible for you, at the present time, to go back FT. And also to come to the conclusion that his plans for rock climbing and IM training will negatively impact on your (probably already small) leisure time - so apart from the money considerations, he needs to think about the fairness of that. And that he expects to find these hobbies by you both becoming the higher earner - and losing out even more on the things that matter to you and to your ability to have time for a hobby or 2.

So what will he start to do instead (from your Y and Z hours) to help offset the increase in X and forced decrease in A?

Lot of assumptions about what he does and doesn’t do, and I don’t see a problem with someone wanting a hobby, as long as they both have equivalent time and money to spend.

Childhood is so short......you'll have all the time in the world to earn more in a few years. You already have a good income, you don't need more.

No. I absolutely not would sacrifice one day a week with my kids to buy more tat for a man who can't be satisfied with what he has.......going up to 4 days is more than enough. In all honesty it's likely he's jealous of the fact you'll have one free day more than him ! Tell him of he wants to do iron-man etc he'll have to increase his earning power and fund it himself !

@Lovelifesmile what about childcare and housework would be step and and truly do 50/50 or would he expect you to as well.

He really does want his cake and eat it doesn’t he. Just say that as 4 days is the same as his 5 days and you are happy it is staying this way as it works. If as the kids get older he wishes to earn and work more you will too but until then no.

but he sounds an arse

He rally does think you exist for his benefit doesn’t he?

I would be making it very very clear that you going full time would mean the extra income being spent on outsourcing some of the work you currently do - childcare/ cleaning/ gardening etc. It would also mean both of you spending weekend time as a family so that the children can continue to do the activities you currently do on your days off.

He seems to think that you’ll work more in your job, and carry on doing all you do at home, and do all the weekend childcare, and give him all the extra money so he can bugger off out and do expensive, time-consuming hobbies. Fuck that.

I wouldn't even go 4 days
The cheek
But 4 days is more than enough

Put it in his terms. If you go full time you’ll be paying out more than £500/month. £250/month for weekly cleaner. Extra £100 for garden/maintenance to have someone do 2h/month on things you would do. £150 extra food shop / recipe boxes to make up for efficiencies of meal prep/batch cooking.

You'd be left with same amount but without the satisfaction of running your home how you want to, and without the breathing space a day a week on your own would give you. Those things IMO are priceless.