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Original poster

Husband wants me to work full-time

348 replies

Lovelifesmile · 23/08/2025 07:36

My husband and I have two children (aged 4 and 2). I currently work the equivalent of 3 days a week doing shift work and my husband works full-time at 5 days per week. I would like to work the equivalent of 4 days per week when my youngest child goes to school. My husband wants me to go full-time. My husbands income is £2700 per month. My income part-time 3 days per week is £2200 and if I worked 4 days per week I would earn £2900. We are comfortable financially as we are currently, and would be very comfortable with me going 4 days per week. I want to use the 'day off' per week to do the food shop, house cleaning, washing, gardening maintenance and food prep. My values are that I want to earn enough money to be comfortable, but also have time to do the housework, appointments, school admin and help with homework to free up our weekends to go out and not to household chores on the weekend. It appears my husband values money the most. If I was full time I would take home £3400 per month so it's a difference of £500 per month. I am more than happy for him to also drop to 4 days per week to spend more time with the children if he wants to, but he doesn't wish to do this.

OP posts:
lydialucy · 23/08/2025 08:38

I would not do more than 4 days in this situation. You want to work 4 days to benefit your family.
He wants you to work 5 days to benefit him and his hobbies. If he has expensive hobbies he needs to fund this himself.
It is also selfish of him to expect you to work for his Iron Man funding.
Is he willing to pick up the extra chores etc if you went full time. I am guessing no because he will be wanting to train for his Iron Man. So instead of more family time and holidays you will find yourself on your own on days off with the kids with no time for yourself and all the household jobs that go with it.
Stick with the four days.

Chalkdweller · 23/08/2025 08:38

I would say if you went full time you’ll have to pay for a cleaner and outsource some of the household chores so that will eat up any benefit. In my experience it always seems to be the woman that these jobs default to. Surely they’ll be more childcare costs too if both of you are working FT?

missrabbit1990 · 23/08/2025 08:39

Your DCs are very little. Stay part time. Bet he’s not picking up an equal share or the load and won’t if you’re full time. Very few men do…

Lourdes12 · 23/08/2025 08:40

Don’t do it, you’ll be burnt out in no time

Negroany · 23/08/2025 08:43

Lovelifesmile · 23/08/2025 07:48

Yes financial, he would like more money to build more savings, go on a few lavish holidays a year and he would like to go rock climbing and participate in sport events such as Iron Man which are not cheap activities. We already put some money into savings per month on our current income and I would be happy with one nice holiday per year etc.

Well, if it's things he wants, he has to increase his income to pay for them. Not you.

I can't believe he wants you to work full time so he can pursue expensive hobbies. I get that the flexibility in his job means he can pick up the kids, but it's probable that another job would support that too. Or, he could go for a job with a higher salary and go down to four days......

Crispyturtle · 23/08/2025 08:44

Full time shift work is not the same as full time office hours. If you’re doing nights / weekend etc it really messes with your life. You also have to consider the cost of using wraparound care during term time, and school holiday clubs are eye-watering expensive. I went down to two long shifts a week when I had kids, well they’re both at school and have been for several years and I’m still doing it, because believe me it makes everyone’s life easier. Him wanting to go rock climbing is a him problem, I would never expect my partner to work more so I could take up an expensive hobby.

nomas · 23/08/2025 08:44

I want to use the 'day off' per week to do the food shop, house cleaning, washing, gardening maintenance and food prep.

Has your husband said when he’ll do these things if you work full time? Or will you still be expected to do them?

MumWifeOther · 23/08/2025 08:44

Tell him to get a better paid job.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 23/08/2025 08:44

If I wanted this decided finally, I would do the equivalent of that binder the woman produced when she and her partner were thinking of trying for a baby.

https://x.com/redditships/status/1499467974704603141

Put out in absolutely clear terms what you working full time vs 4 days means (I'd actually add in the 3 days) - make sure he realises that if he uses this money to do iron mans, you'll be expecting equivalent funds and time for a similar hobby of your own etc.

Because this is how burnout and relationship breakdown starts otherwise. You still doing everything, working, kids, and now he wants you to come and watch him compete, but you're knackered and the kids need new PE kit, so you either go, then have to squeeze in the chores and get no time off, or you don't go and he's miffed because you're not supporting him.

lololola1987 · 23/08/2025 08:48

When my fourth DC was born, my exH took up Ironman triathlons.
I was working 5 days per week, (still doing everything for household and children). It broke us.
Triathlon, and particularly Ironman, is a selfish, selfish sport. It can be likened to a full time job and is possibly one of the most expensive hobbies too. Ex’s bikes ran into the ten of thousands of £££. Entry fees are in the hundreds and competitions will take him away for days at a time, often abroad.
It can also become a stressor in itself. What started out as stress relief for my ex eventually became so all consuming he was a complete nightmare to live with. Obsessive and angry. Not saying your DH would be like this, but when partners mention this sport on here I feel obliged to flag up how difficult it can be especially when you have children.
You are still not answering any questions about the household chores split and how it is/would be. I would bet my house he does hardly anything now and I can almost guarantee this would continue if you work 5 days a week.

Imperativvv · 23/08/2025 08:49

But surely he will AGREE to do 50/50 with the chores etc, to get you to go full time and then suddenly 'not be able to because ...(work, training, needing to socialise, planning for IM,) etc.? By which time you are stuck because you've taken the extra hours and suddenly nothing is getting done so you end up doing EVERYTHING by default?

Yes, realistically this is what's going to happen. There aren't enough hours in the week for him to work FT Mon to Fri, train for and compete in sports events and do his 50% of everything else.

Especially as the OP is likely to be in sole charge of the DC during his training and events (unless he plans to fob them off on some probably female relative). So his 50% will need to include balancing that out. Also, during that time OP will need to focus on sole caring for a 5 and 3 year old, meaning any other tasks will be secondary. It'll be much less efficient than one parent taking them to the park for the morning while the other blitzes.

MikeRafone · 23/08/2025 08:49

era no, he wants you to do all the inside work and work 5 days

he is the one that needs to get a part time job so he can earn the same money as you working 4 days

talk about lazy

Sunnyscribe · 23/08/2025 08:50

No way I would be taking on the mental load of children and a household in addition to a full time job. Let's face it, that what would happen and I'd end up resenting my partner.

ThatGladTiger · 23/08/2025 08:50

I’m pretty sure the responses would be very different if the sexes were swapped.

OP you are meant to be in a team with your husband. If 100% of his salary goes into the family then what is wrong with him wanting more to do something he loves?

As nice as it would be not to work, sounds like you can go back 4 days when your children go to school. You don’t need two days off to clean and cook.

Epidote · 23/08/2025 08:52

He can get a job that pays more so he can subsidise his hobbies.

Chalkdweller · 23/08/2025 08:53

Also having quality time with your children at the weekend, without stressing to get jobs done is priceless. Very good for the kids and you as a family. Also if you’re having to squash all household chores into only 2 days off, I’d tell him they’ll be no time for his hobbies once he’s also spent time doing things with the kids. Some men are so self centred, DH has a friend like this, he expects both to work FT and then his wife to look after the child whilst he goes cycling with friends at the weekend. This friend even suggested once, that I step in and do it whilst my DH and he went cycling as wife had got angry & refused. DH and I were amazed at his cheek, especially as we no longer even have young children like him.

MikeRafone · 23/08/2025 08:53

As nice as it would be not to work, sounds like you can go back 4 days when your children go to school. You don’t need two days off to clean and cook.

can you point to the part where op said she didn't want to work? or where she didn't want to work 4 days?

cos this is what I read

We are comfortable financially as we are currently, and would be very comfortable with me going 4 days per week. I want to use the 'day off' per week to do the food shop, house cleaning, washing, gardening maintenance and food prep

and understood it to mean one day off and 4 days working outside the home

Isanyonereallyanonymous · 23/08/2025 08:53

Lovelifesmile · 23/08/2025 07:48

Yes financial, he would like more money to build more savings, go on a few lavish holidays a year and he would like to go rock climbing and participate in sport events such as Iron Man which are not cheap activities. We already put some money into savings per month on our current income and I would be happy with one nice holiday per year etc.

What a selfish twat.
I've done an Ironman, it's not only the event itself that's expensive, it's the training, the nutrition, the kit etc. And when he's training 10-20 hours a week he will be jolly glad you're only working 4 days a week to do life admin, because I can tell you from experience, all that falls by the wayside when you're in the midst of it all.
If he wants to do these nice things, he should be the one funding them. If you're happy with a less lavish lifestyle then please stick to your guns and only work 4 days a week. Yes it's nice to support our partners through things they want to do in life but there has to be a balance and this feels like it would be the wrong way round 😔

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 23/08/2025 08:54

My dad was like this back in the day.
but it was mum having to do everything else.

assuming he will help you do the chores 50/50 then? My dad did help mum

They’re divorced now

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/08/2025 08:55

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 23/08/2025 07:55

So he wants the extra money you earn for his hobbies and holidays.

Which sounds like he won’t be around much to do the chores and childcare at the weekend.

How nice for him.

not only does he want the op to up her hours to fund his hobby he also having made them need weekends for housework and family time is planning to instead of doing tbose things commit minimum 10 hours a week to iron man training. What a fucking loser. I’d tel him in no uncertain terms to come back with his plan for costing a cleaner, holiday care, a list of the tasks he plans to take on for the family without so much as a reminder and also his plan for equal spending money for you and him and also equal leisure time for you and him that doesn’t mean no family time and allows for the housework and parenting because it all looks to you like he will have to fund his hobby as a single dads since you’re a full time working broke pretty much single mum in his dream life scenario.

DarkForces · 23/08/2025 08:55

Op is planning's to go back 4 days a week once kids are in school @ThatGladTiger . I have seen similar posts with reversed sexes and responses were exactly the same. You want more money to fund luxuries? Earn it yourself. Op is earning more and doing more around the home.

LBFseBrom · 23/08/2025 08:55

Epidote · 23/08/2025 08:52

He can get a job that pays more so he can subsidise his hobbies.

I agree with that. I hope the op has time and money to be able to pursue independent interests. However most people with young children suspend such things for a while when their kids are young, preferring to do things with their children as well as not being able to afford it. There's time to pick it up again later on.

Imperativvv · 23/08/2025 08:56

ThatGladTiger · 23/08/2025 08:50

I’m pretty sure the responses would be very different if the sexes were swapped.

OP you are meant to be in a team with your husband. If 100% of his salary goes into the family then what is wrong with him wanting more to do something he loves?

As nice as it would be not to work, sounds like you can go back 4 days when your children go to school. You don’t need two days off to clean and cook.

Mmm, and of course you'll definitely be able to back that sweeping claim up because there are masses of posts on here from women wanting to do shit like this.

FrogFalacy · 23/08/2025 08:56

Personally you just don’t get these years back and if you want to have some time with children that is totally understandable. He can surely wait a couple years for his iron man and fancy holiday. TBH a fancy holiday is not all it’s cracked up to be with young children!

What I don’t understand is your household split though. Why are you doing all the housework and majority of childcare?

If you work 4 days why does that mean you spend it cleaning?

And if you go 5 days and he’s running off to do iron man and training for it exactly who will be doing all the household chores and childcare? Still you just you’ll be more burnt out? And how exactly does £500 a month fund anything beyond a lavish holiday and his iron man? How much would go into savings? How much will you get?

You honestly don’t have to go back to work full time just to fund him doing hobbies. Clearly he’s the one being unreasonable!

Silvertulips · 23/08/2025 08:57

You are approaching this in the wrong way.

IF you work 5 days a week you will be spending the weekend doing chores and childcare and using holidays for appointments.

He however will be working 5 days and spending 1 day doing hobbies.

See the unfairness?

AND why is it your extra pay will be spent on his hobbies and an extra holiday?

If your are doing 7 days to his 5 he’s doesn’t get to spend your money - You need to save your money separately.