Page 5 | Something isn't right thread #2

FourAndFive · 2025-08-21T10:18:44+00:00

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting. [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1]]

Christmaschildcare · 23/08/2025 18:55

Thinking of you @FourAndFive x

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 23/08/2025 19:26

It's the weekend, op. You mentioned seeing your parents. Do tell them all your honest thoughts and stance.

If you switched off, they will be sensing it anyway

99bottlesofkombucha · 25/08/2025 14:39

I hope it went well with your parents and you were able to let it out a bit. I’m still hoping for you that he has an epiphany.

Jammiesdodger · 25/08/2025 20:34

How's it going OP?

Madchest · 25/08/2025 22:09

It’s been a tumultuous time for you @FourAndFive - I suspect that your emotional and physiological systems are playing catch with what you have learned on these threads and what is in your heart vs what is in your head. Cognitive dissonance - you must be discombobulated and emotionally exhausted.

Take it easy. Catch your breath.

Encrochat · 26/08/2025 07:33

This reply has been deleted

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JimmyGiraffe · 26/08/2025 07:38

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What do you mean by that?

Keyhooks · 26/08/2025 09:23

When it comes to infidelity, sadly no mans character is to be relied on.
I can only imagine the pain and shock all of this is.

His lies, gaslighting, threats of suicide and manipulation are now all part of who he is.
It will be impossible for you to unsee.

I think space will help you realise this.
Wishing you strength.
You will get through this.

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 26/08/2025 11:47

💝

FenellaFurchester · 26/08/2025 14:25

Hoping no news is good news 🤞

ForeverTipsy · 26/08/2025 23:18

Hope you're hanging in there ok @FourAndFive

Original poster

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 11:33

Sorry for the silence - I needed to step back from here a bit. Notifications off on most things. I needed it and I'm doing okay. Solicitors went well, I feel armed at least. I'm still looking forward to the future, because I have to - there is only forwards and my peace of mind.

Their event is not for a good while yet, apologies for the confusion. I think I mentioned that in the first thread.

My lovely parents now know more - but DF had a fall, so I didn't give them the whole story. They know he lied and for how long, and how it's made me feel and that he is not at home for now. Of course they support me, wholeheartedly. I've also told a few trusted friends, and that has been a huge relief.

We spoke a few days ago, about practicalities mostly - collecting more clothes, the DC's etc. He understands everything and has agreed to do anything I want - therapy, counselling, space, talking. That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/08/2025 11:37

Oh I am so sorry, yes it says everything.

TakeMeDancing · 27/08/2025 11:37

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 11:33

Sorry for the silence - I needed to step back from here a bit. Notifications off on most things. I needed it and I'm doing okay. Solicitors went well, I feel armed at least. I'm still looking forward to the future, because I have to - there is only forwards and my peace of mind.

Their event is not for a good while yet, apologies for the confusion. I think I mentioned that in the first thread.

My lovely parents now know more - but DF had a fall, so I didn't give them the whole story. They know he lied and for how long, and how it's made me feel and that he is not at home for now. Of course they support me, wholeheartedly. I've also told a few trusted friends, and that has been a huge relief.

We spoke a few days ago, about practicalities mostly - collecting more clothes, the DC's etc. He understands everything and has agreed to do anything I want - therapy, counselling, space, talking. That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

I’m glad your parents know, no longer believe the narrative he spun your dad, and are on side.

Him refusing to cut contact speaks volumes, you are right. Are plans still in place for them to go away on their weekend? That outcome speaks volumes too.

PanderBare · 27/08/2025 11:38

Good to hear from you, @FourAndFive .
Hope your father is on the mend after his fall.
A big virtual HUG for you.

MarilynSays · 27/08/2025 11:38

What an idiot he is. Hold your head up high and keep on doing what you are doing. He will look back in a years' time and see what a huge mistake he has made. Prepare yourself for him asking for you back after he realises the grass is not greener!! Hugs xx

Ceceprincess80 · 27/08/2025 11:43

@FourAndFive big virtual hug. Im glad you have support and family and friends are aware of what is going on. I just don't understand why he would do anything you ask but cut contact. I think it's the hobby obsession and she has become enmeshed in that. I obviously do not know your husband but it's quite straight forward what he needs to do and very simple. I do hope he is staying somewhere sensible and not with his 'friend'.

BuckChuckets · 27/08/2025 11:44

That really does say everything you need to know, sorry OP 😔

Original poster

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 11:47

TakeMeDancing · 27/08/2025 11:37

I’m glad your parents know, no longer believe the narrative he spun your dad, and are on side.

Him refusing to cut contact speaks volumes, you are right. Are plans still in place for them to go away on their weekend? That outcome speaks volumes too.

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Not sure about the event - I haven't asked. I assume it's still on at the moment. It's not eminent, so I don't have to worry about that right now.

If he cuts contact, it will be cancelled - that is non-negotiable.

OP posts:

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 11:48

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 11:33

Sorry for the silence - I needed to step back from here a bit. Notifications off on most things. I needed it and I'm doing okay. Solicitors went well, I feel armed at least. I'm still looking forward to the future, because I have to - there is only forwards and my peace of mind.

Their event is not for a good while yet, apologies for the confusion. I think I mentioned that in the first thread.

My lovely parents now know more - but DF had a fall, so I didn't give them the whole story. They know he lied and for how long, and how it's made me feel and that he is not at home for now. Of course they support me, wholeheartedly. I've also told a few trusted friends, and that has been a huge relief.

We spoke a few days ago, about practicalities mostly - collecting more clothes, the DC's etc. He understands everything and has agreed to do anything I want - therapy, counselling, space, talking. That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

Ok this is really getting frustrating. Why are you stringing this out, OP? What are you getting out of this by not giving him the ultimatum and stringing this out?
It's really easy; next time you talk to him you tell him he has a choice, you or her. Your demand is that he cuts contact with her forever (including not going on their outing) OR you file for divorce immediately.

It's really that easy, so why string this out? Just say it, and start getting on with your life.

If you can't say it in person yet, text it. Please don't wait another day or hour longer.

whackamole666 · 27/08/2025 11:51

I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum. The marriage is effectively over. Why do you even want him back after this? Give him his marching orders and start to move on.

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 27/08/2025 11:55

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 11:33

Sorry for the silence - I needed to step back from here a bit. Notifications off on most things. I needed it and I'm doing okay. Solicitors went well, I feel armed at least. I'm still looking forward to the future, because I have to - there is only forwards and my peace of mind.

Their event is not for a good while yet, apologies for the confusion. I think I mentioned that in the first thread.

My lovely parents now know more - but DF had a fall, so I didn't give them the whole story. They know he lied and for how long, and how it's made me feel and that he is not at home for now. Of course they support me, wholeheartedly. I've also told a few trusted friends, and that has been a huge relief.

We spoke a few days ago, about practicalities mostly - collecting more clothes, the DC's etc. He understands everything and has agreed to do anything I want - therapy, counselling, space, talking. That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

Good to hear from you, sorry to hear about your Dad - hope he's ok.
It absolutely speaks volumes. No one else should be that important in his life outside of his family.
Stick to your guns. I still suspect he'll see sense, but if / when he does it is your life now to build for you and your children and all the choices are in your hands.
You're doing amazingly well, and your children are so lucky to have you keeping the ship steady for them. I hope you've got lots of support around you in real life too x

Original poster

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 12:00

Ceceprincess80 · 27/08/2025 11:43

@FourAndFive big virtual hug. Im glad you have support and family and friends are aware of what is going on. I just don't understand why he would do anything you ask but cut contact. I think it's the hobby obsession and she has become enmeshed in that. I obviously do not know your husband but it's quite straight forward what he needs to do and very simple. I do hope he is staying somewhere sensible and not with his 'friend'.

I don't either. I've been reading about limerence, active addiction, mid-life crisis etc - and some of it makes so much sense, he fits the box in so many ways. Ultimately, I can't help him, he has to do it himself and for us.

No, he is not staying with her.

OP posts:

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 27/08/2025 12:01

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 11:48

That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

Ok this is really getting frustrating. Why are you stringing this out, OP? What are you getting out of this by not giving him the ultimatum and stringing this out?
It's really easy; next time you talk to him you tell him he has a choice, you or her. Your demand is that he cuts contact with her forever (including not going on their outing) OR you file for divorce immediately.

It's really that easy, so why string this out? Just say it, and start getting on with your life.

If you can't say it in person yet, text it. Please don't wait another day or hour longer.

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This feels a little harsh.
I don't think op is stringing this out at all.
She's behaving admirably in my opinion. She's had all of a couple of weeks to get her head around her life being turned upside down and she's holding her boundaries really firmly.
She is giving the man she's built a life with and still loves his options without being a push over and without making any life changing decisions in the heat of the moment.
It's her right to say at any moment she's ready for a permanent separation/ divorce. There's no need to rush that.

Ceceprincess80 · 27/08/2025 12:03

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 12:00

I don't either. I've been reading about limerence, active addiction, mid-life crisis etc - and some of it makes so much sense, he fits the box in so many ways. Ultimately, I can't help him, he has to do it himself and for us.

No, he is not staying with her.

Show quote history

Yes, you are quite right. His actions are his own. He is in charge of his own behaviour as are you. All the best @FourAndFive