Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

He’s got feelings for another woman & is too ashamed to be the bad guy - the MH card gets him sympathy instead of criticism.

That seems very likely.

Ive been following both threads and just want to wish you luck and resolve.
These men really are idiots arent they.
I imagine that in his head he may be in the mindset of Ross - ie 'we are on a break' and so that means he is now allowed to go on the weekend without any feelings of guilt, without seeing the absolute irony of that. He is so focused on his 'Im a good guy' and his right to autonomy, that he seems totally oblivious to the consequences of that - indignant even that you should doubt him - and seems to balance his feelings of indignancy as equal to your feelings of betrayal.
It seems also as if he is stubborn, and that in his mind, allowing you to 'win' by making him stop doing what he wants when he seems to have made himself believe that its perfectly alright brings some kind of shame or weakness upon himself. There are an awful lot of men who seem outwardly to be lovely people, but have a streak of misogyny running through them that believe in such tropes as 'under the thumb, or even worse 'hen-pecked' is an emesculating thing, even though anyone with half an oubnce of braincells should see that a decent man shouldnt need any kind of ultimatum in regards getting themselves into this type of situation.

I had something similar once, he also gaslit me, didn't want me to tell my parents.I think it was because he either had not decided what to do yet, or she had not made it clear that they could get together.
Even when it had been deceided we were spliting up he wanted me to host his family and sister at christmas, because his sister was being cheated on by her husband and was having a bad time.
Luckily I was strong enough and no longer very invested so I declined.

I realise for you this is hard because you've had so many years together and it all seemed really fine to you.
I know like others have said it seems just horrible now, but it will improve.
You will build a new better life, glad you have a supportive family and good luck.

@TheTeaCosyofDoomholy shit. You win worst MIL ever ever ever.

Definitely tell your parents and friends everything and don't spare him - or her, for that matter.

I totally agree.

@ChocoChocoLatte She was my second mother-in-law. My first mother-in-law was worse. She was a vile sanctimonious judgemental old harpy. The things that she did to me made my second mother-in-law's antics look like the fluttering of a butterfly's wings. When she was aware that her time on earth was drawing to an end, she wrote and asked me to visit her. I didn't. I still kick myself regularly for not standing up to her. Deeply scary woman.

OP, I agree with you it’s well past the point at which you should try to shield him by not telling your parents the whole story - he was the one who made sure of that by ringing your Dad.

Take care, you are amazing.

You’re doing brilliantly @FourAndFive Do what is best for you and the DC.

We’re here for you. I know your parents will be, too.

Do NOT protect this guy. He is absolutely following the script by getting in and isolating you before the truth comes out. Tell everyone. You are the innocent victim of his choices. Nobody “accidentally” has an affair. Horrible man! (And her!)

Sounds like she may have wanted to apologise to you before the end …

I agree too. The Script is definitely being followed. They’re all the bloody same!

Mental health here means 'I'm sad that I can't have a loving wife and family and also an exciting new relationship.'

You’re doing well navigating this new reality OP.
So many of us remember those early days, it’s hell. The rollercoaster of emotions.
All I can advise is be true to yourself. Tell your family and friends the truth, without embellishment or emotion if possible. Let your loved ones help you. Your kids sound amazing, they’re your future, Small steps my love, you’ll get there. Take care

I hope you are getting some comfort and support from the two threads OP. We are all on your side and really rooting for you - impressed by your calm and grace. You are a wonderful role model for your DC.

Love your writing style (and would love to read more of your story, but don't want to derail the thread). All the best to the OP. Dealing with similar; it's horrible. Agree with PP that OP should tell everyone.

It's rare that I follow a long thread as closely as this. You're handling this with such grace, OP. I have no words of wisdom to offer that haven't already been expressed eloquently by others but I do wish you and your DC well. I'm not sure what a good outcome here would be, but you deserve one and I hope you get it.

Or, wife’s crazy behaviour just because I have a new friend has put me in a downer - what am I to do now but seek solace in the arms of my new friend.

Thank you for showing us all how this is done with such grace. You’re really leading the way sister!

He’s going to miss you enormously at some point and realise what he’s lost. Even I missed you after the first thread finished!

You are calm, strong and kind but by no means a push over. These qualities are so attractive and make you a tower of strength for your children. A lighthouse in all of this.

Watch carefully for those feelings of responsibility towards him, they can creep in and catch that big heart of yours out. He’s no longer your responsibility. Hard to believe that isn’t it? But he made that choice, not you. You tried so hard.

He’s losing so much but for you a door has opened, new beginnings are here. 🌱

Sending strength to you all, especially him. He’s going to need it the most when he wakes up feeling cold and realises the fire that is you, has gone out. What a silly, silly sausage. Xx

P.S. You should write down your dreams as your subconscious helps you unravel all of this. It’ll be so helpful.

Hummm I think you might be right with the Ross ‘we were on a break’ situation.
OP needs to text him before the weekend, remind him they are still married, that his vows are still applicable, that she does not want him going away (especially with her) while there are major trust issues in their marriage and spell out that they are definitely not on a break. Same rules apply.

OP - you are so amazing in your calmness and composure. You deserve (and will get) better than him.

p.s. I know you don’t want to say what the hobby is but if you tell us the hotel I’m sure some of the local mumsnetters will storm the place and ensure his weekend is one to remember!

I really hope he comes to his senses

looks like he is having a classic old school midlife crisis, but instead of the red sports car and an affair with his Secretary it is his hobby and this young woman (always the friend is s as young woman! Such a cliche.), claims of it being just friendship and claims to mental health issues as get out of jail cards are so pathetic from him

i hope he has a realisation what a fool he is being, he needs a mirror being held up to him, a moment of clarity

Why does he not see that an emotional affair IS an affair? 🤷‍♀️ in my humble opinion very possibly an even greater betrayal.

Exactly this. I would start with “h told you about his friendship with hobby woman, what he probably hasn’t told you and I need you both to know is …..” Then tell them where you’re at, and that you need support from them. The longer they think what he’s doing is okay, the more unhinged you will become in their eyes. They need to know everything. You will then be even stronger moving forward.

Me too. I've changed name but following and rooting

He can't see it. He just see the new partner as everything he loves and will die for or without. Not being able to see how cruel this is to his true wife and children is indeed what made the first thread a stunning read , not for show but for seeing man's foolishness reaching new level in the name of temptation