Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

@FoxAches I don't want to derail the thread either, and in any event the other stuff that I could write about would be so horrendous that it would likely be called out as fiction by the small army of troll hunters that regularly patrol MN. But thank you for the compliment.

Do you know where he has gone OP?

This is normal. I still hide the worst of my ex's behaviour ten years later and there are things nobody knows. I think it's self preservation too - I don't want people to feel sorry for me or know things that are painful to me. As long as you remember and hold on to the truth. I wrote some of the things in a list and hid it in my wallet for a while to look at if I ever softened.

@BabyCatFace
ive got a list… thought it was just me

@Thewookiemustgo replying to your post on previous thread - did I read right an 11 year affair?! What happened in the end? Hope you kicked him out & it ended badly for them! I know it’s not always easy to do that when kids etc involved though. That’ll be on their conscience forever though.

I agree. It's not your responsibility to nurse him back to a state of decent-human-being where he can be a reliable husband again. I see so many posts on here where women spend years working on their marriages post-infidelity, sometimes to the detriment of their own mental and physical health. And I think is is really worth it? not to mention the number of men who then go onto have more affairs, or even leave the women for someone else.

I personally think saving a marriage can happen but if it's me I can never again take this man seriously, ever again. Also would close my bedroom to him

What life would it be after that. Room mates, friends paying the bills of the same house, what is the general set up ...

You are handling this with such grace. Be proud.

The fact is there are millions of homes just like this, finances dictate many marriages.

Not everyone has the luxury of starting again, survival is important.

Hes going on this w/e with this woman, nothing can stop him, even though he knows it is likely to destroy his marriage, his relationship with his dc, & his finances..
He is posessed,
I’m so glad you have hit the “Off switch”, because no-one can stop this cannonball.

Even his obsession with his hobby to the detriment of a reasonable family balance already shows how deeply selfish he is.
Its time to live your life without his absence shadowing your plans, Juggling the dc alone, planning your evenings & weekends alone.

btw Your DC sound lovey

My partner of over 20 years did something similar fairly recently. Met her at the gym. He used the same script around having a friend and how much I would get on with her (hate that so much) He still thinks I would for some reason, I honestly can’t think why. I find it quite offensive that he thinks we’d have anything in common, I find her arrogant and awful as a person 😂 Then when I found the reams of messages, inside jokes, her playing damsel in distress and him playing white knight - I was understandably upset but he kept saying he ‘couldn’t believe this was happening over a friendship’. The only thing that got through to him was referring to our friendship of nearly 25 years. Our relationship, the life we’ve built together, our child, our new baby - none of that got through, but referring to the loss of our long friendship made him see a bit more clearly that it wasn’t on.

He still thinks he did nothing wrong but has at least stopped messaging her. I don’t know if they see each other in passing in real life, but for now I’m content that there’s no trace of her in my home. I’m heavily pregnant so I’m picking my battles carefully (that’s a bit of a pattern with them too - doing it while we’re pregnant).

I'm guessing the hobby is golf.

If he does come back after he’s had his fun, he will play the mental health card.

May be op needs switching off mn too...if we are all predicting now they're going to have sex , is this helpful

Do you love him still op
Are you taking him back

At this stage it doesnt matter if they have sex or not.
The fact he is even going to this event with his OW is betrayal enough.

When is the trip op?

@Reebokker no, not an 11 year affair, I’ll find my original post and find the cock up I’ve made on it.😂😂

Think it was at end of last thread ! I must have misunderstood!

I have been in a similar situation. This thread is amazing - so many stories - and advice ring true. I wish I’d been here at the time. DH brought his ‘friend’ round to the house ‘in the spirit of openness’ as he called it - she was going through a divorce, was probably nearly 20 years younger than him. I told him how uncomfortable it made me - he was convinced he was doing nothing wrong. It took a lot to get through to him - and along time too. I put up with a lot of and I should probably have told him to leave. We are still together four years later. It’s not perfect and I know that I have ‘settled’. There is a lot more to it than that but it’s a very long story…

I hope you get some peace and clarity on your situation xxx

I‘m by no means a hater of men but hearing all these stories makes me feel they are all selfish and disloyal creatures under a nice shell, the same men but different faces if that makes sense?

I think telling your parents will be a turning point for you - in a good way. We hold back and we hold back because once said, things can't be unheard and you are right that their view of him will change somewhat and there is always reluctance to cross that rubicon.

BUT

They are YOUR parents. You are their priority and their loyalty is with you. You need and deserve their support and there should be no ambiguity about what is going on and WHO is responsible for this mess. I suspect you will feel relief at sharing with them.

What they used to call it was "living together as if siblings".

I am so impressed by you OP. You are the woman many of us wish we could be. I think you’ve done the right thing.

I think it’s this weekend!

Yes I think it’s this weekend too. I hope the OP can update us soon