Page 6 | Something isn't right thread #2

FourAndFive · 2025-08-21T10:18:44+00:00

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting. [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1]]

Original poster

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 12:10

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 27/08/2025 12:01

This feels a little harsh.
I don't think op is stringing this out at all.
She's behaving admirably in my opinion. She's had all of a couple of weeks to get her head around her life being turned upside down and she's holding her boundaries really firmly.
She is giving the man she's built a life with and still loves his options without being a push over and without making any life changing decisions in the heat of the moment.
It's her right to say at any moment she's ready for a permanent separation/ divorce. There's no need to rush that.

Show quote history

This response sums things up, @ThatBlackCat. Thanks @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

I am not stringing anything out, he isn't in the family home and I am living with some peace and tranquility for now, with the information I need to move forward from the solicitor. There is no rush for me or my DC's. I am willing, for now, to hold steady and bide my time. That is what feels right.

Please step away if you are frustrated.

OP posts:

Secondstart1001 · 27/08/2025 12:11

Do you know where he’s staying?

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 12:13

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 27/08/2025 12:01

This feels a little harsh.
I don't think op is stringing this out at all.
She's behaving admirably in my opinion. She's had all of a couple of weeks to get her head around her life being turned upside down and she's holding her boundaries really firmly.
She is giving the man she's built a life with and still loves his options without being a push over and without making any life changing decisions in the heat of the moment.
It's her right to say at any moment she's ready for a permanent separation/ divorce. There's no need to rush that.

Show quote history

It didn't mean for it to sound harsh but she isn't giving him his options. She isn't laying it out as it is. She isn't saying what she really needs to say to him. So it's drawing out. If it were me I would have made sure I shocked him into action by saying 'I am giving you 24 hours, I need to move on with my life, I don't deserve to be in this limbo. I want you to choose. Me, or her. Let me know by (certain time) at tomorrow so if I need to file for divorce I can. I need this resolved right now, I refuse to in limbo like this.'
She is not saying what needs to be said and it's just dragging on and on. I guess I'm frustrated because if it were me I would have said it already and threatened to contact her and tell her what a s--t she is and to stay away and then told him if he chooses her I'd take everything. Unhinged? Maybe, but being passive is not helping either. This is just frustrating because OP doesn't deserve to be stuck in this limbo. You realise he is going to keep stretching this out and refuse to stop contact with her unless made to. So it will continue and nothing will change. Until OP tells him to make a decision right now. Shit or get off the pot. She is hoping he will make a decision. But it's more than clear he is not going to, until he is forced to, he won't. And OP is stuck in limbo like this.

Edit: Just read your reply to me, OP. If you are fine being in limbo like this, ok, I guess. I just thought you deserved better than being in limbo and not knowing what he's going to choose. Your children also certainty and stability also, so this isn't fair on them. I can't understand your choice, it doesn't sound healthy to me, but, sincerely, good luck with everything.

myopinionis · 27/08/2025 12:22

If you wanted to do that and force a resolution one way or the other within 24 hours, fair enough. But it's perfectly valid for someone else to take a slightly slower approach.

As for criticising the OP because "it's just dragging on and on" ???

WTF? She's been in a marriage for 24 years. And has taken (since the first post on the last thread) only two weeks so far. This is not a gameshow for our entertainment.

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2025 12:26

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 11:48

That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

Ok this is really getting frustrating. Why are you stringing this out, OP? What are you getting out of this by not giving him the ultimatum and stringing this out?
It's really easy; next time you talk to him you tell him he has a choice, you or her. Your demand is that he cuts contact with her forever (including not going on their outing) OR you file for divorce immediately.

It's really that easy, so why string this out? Just say it, and start getting on with your life.

If you can't say it in person yet, text it. Please don't wait another day or hour longer.

Edited

Show quote history

NONE of this is easy for the OP

This isn't a soap. It's her life. And she will move as she thinks best for her and her children

We can suggest but it's not for ANY of us to tell her what to do and when

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2025 12:33

Please ignore Blackcat and others pushing you to a quick “resolution.” They are very foolush. Whatever happens—separation, divorce, or reconciliation is not a matter if quick decisions and a fast and easy return to stability. Whatever you decide, OP, is going to take careful planning and take a long time to play out. Ultimatums or angry shouting ir avoidance can produce a sudden result—him coming back or him staying away—but they are not conducive to you, OP, finding your new peace and center.

I think this separation, wherever it ends up, is good for you and your children. It gives you time snd space to focus on yourselves.

3luckystars · 27/08/2025 12:37

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He cannot have that he wants and have you too.

It must be so hard. You are going great x

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 12:39

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2025 12:33

Please ignore Blackcat and others pushing you to a quick “resolution.” They are very foolush. Whatever happens—separation, divorce, or reconciliation is not a matter if quick decisions and a fast and easy return to stability. Whatever you decide, OP, is going to take careful planning and take a long time to play out. Ultimatums or angry shouting ir avoidance can produce a sudden result—him coming back or him staying away—but they are not conducive to you, OP, finding your new peace and center.

I think this separation, wherever it ends up, is good for you and your children. It gives you time snd space to focus on yourselves.

It's not so much a 'resolution', but the point that her husband does not seem to know what he needs to do to keep his marriage. He hasn't been told. Until he has been told, he (clearly by his own reactions to her) doesn't know. It needs to be spelled out to him what he needs to do. I know it's not easy. That's all I have to say. And I wish OP the best, peace and strength to her.

PanderBare · 27/08/2025 12:44

The OP isn't you, @ThatBlackCat . What you would do is irrelevant.

OP is doing remarkably well, and 2 weeks is no time at all, but in that time she has got some space, seen a solicitor, and rallied support.

OP has made it quite clear to her husband what he needs to do.

Swoonstthebeautyofarose · 27/08/2025 12:48

pikkumyy77 · 27/08/2025 12:33

Please ignore Blackcat and others pushing you to a quick “resolution.” They are very foolush. Whatever happens—separation, divorce, or reconciliation is not a matter if quick decisions and a fast and easy return to stability. Whatever you decide, OP, is going to take careful planning and take a long time to play out. Ultimatums or angry shouting ir avoidance can produce a sudden result—him coming back or him staying away—but they are not conducive to you, OP, finding your new peace and center.

I think this separation, wherever it ends up, is good for you and your children. It gives you time snd space to focus on yourselves.

I totally agree with this. Take all the time you need and all the advice you can get with the solicitor. Sending all love to you.

OchreRaven · 27/08/2025 12:49

@FourAndFive does he know you have consulted a solicitor about divorce? Does he know how close he is to losing his family unit?

You are right, it says everything that the one action that could save his marriage he is not willing to do. The longer HE drags this out the more likely you won’t be able to forgive and forget what he has done. Stay strong. I really hope it works out for you — whatever you decide.

mumuseli · 27/08/2025 12:51

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2025 12:26

NONE of this is easy for the OP

This isn't a soap. It's her life. And she will move as she thinks best for her and her children

We can suggest but it's not for ANY of us to tell her what to do and when

Show quote history

Absolutely. We see it so often here on MN… people saying LTB immediately, like it’s that easy to uproot everything. Posters often seem to see it like a soap or movie, not really having the empathy that it’s someone’s real life and family and home.
@FourAndFive you are handling it all with great dignity. Whatever happens, you will always know that you did the best you could and you gave him enough of a chance to resolve things - you will go forward with no regrets. x

LoveItaly · 27/08/2025 12:57

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 11:48

That's all fine, until I asked him - you would do all of that for us, except just cut contact with her? and he was silent. Says all I needed to hear, really, doesn't it.

Ok this is really getting frustrating. Why are you stringing this out, OP? What are you getting out of this by not giving him the ultimatum and stringing this out?
It's really easy; next time you talk to him you tell him he has a choice, you or her. Your demand is that he cuts contact with her forever (including not going on their outing) OR you file for divorce immediately.

It's really that easy, so why string this out? Just say it, and start getting on with your life.

If you can't say it in person yet, text it. Please don't wait another day or hour longer.

Edited

Show quote history

What on earth is this post?!

The OP has to deal with this situation in her own time and in her own way. She is receiving all sorts of advice, and is not obliged to follow any of it if she doesn’t think it’s right for her.

Why put her under pressure like this? This is her life, family and marriage and she must do what she feels is best for her.

TammyJones · 27/08/2025 13:00

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 12:39

It's not so much a 'resolution', but the point that her husband does not seem to know what he needs to do to keep his marriage. He hasn't been told. Until he has been told, he (clearly by his own reactions to her) doesn't know. It needs to be spelled out to him what he needs to do. I know it's not easy. That's all I have to say. And I wish OP the best, peace and strength to her.

Show quote history

Everyone has their own time frame.

But with hind sight and all that …
someone I knew had a ‘friend’
It wasn’t until he couldn’t get hold of his partner for 24 hours - he thought she’d been in an accident- that suddenly, when partner turned up unscathed … and said ‘no more contact with friends’ (she hadn’t done it for that but) that He did cut contact … but it dragged on for years. ..

Secondstart1001 · 27/08/2025 13:01

I pressed send too soon but no point in counselling if the actual problem that is the ow, is still in his life. He is an utter idiot that wants the best of both worlds while you get anxiety, upset and the crumbs!

BengalBangle · 27/08/2025 13:12

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 12:13

It didn't mean for it to sound harsh but she isn't giving him his options. She isn't laying it out as it is. She isn't saying what she really needs to say to him. So it's drawing out. If it were me I would have made sure I shocked him into action by saying 'I am giving you 24 hours, I need to move on with my life, I don't deserve to be in this limbo. I want you to choose. Me, or her. Let me know by (certain time) at tomorrow so if I need to file for divorce I can. I need this resolved right now, I refuse to in limbo like this.'
She is not saying what needs to be said and it's just dragging on and on. I guess I'm frustrated because if it were me I would have said it already and threatened to contact her and tell her what a s--t she is and to stay away and then told him if he chooses her I'd take everything. Unhinged? Maybe, but being passive is not helping either. This is just frustrating because OP doesn't deserve to be stuck in this limbo. You realise he is going to keep stretching this out and refuse to stop contact with her unless made to. So it will continue and nothing will change. Until OP tells him to make a decision right now. Shit or get off the pot. She is hoping he will make a decision. But it's more than clear he is not going to, until he is forced to, he won't. And OP is stuck in limbo like this.

Edit: Just read your reply to me, OP. If you are fine being in limbo like this, ok, I guess. I just thought you deserved better than being in limbo and not knowing what he's going to choose. Your children also certainty and stability also, so this isn't fair on them. I can't understand your choice, it doesn't sound healthy to me, but, sincerely, good luck with everything.

Edited

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You, an observer of someone else's life via MN, don't get to dictate/define what 'limbo' looks like for OP.
OP has clearly and thoughtfully articulated what steps she has taken and what current boundaries are in place.
Going into things like a bull in a china shop isn't always the best way for everyone.

MethusalahsMum · 27/08/2025 13:20

@FourAndFive It's good to hear back from you. Must admit I popped in & out of the thread hoping to hear how you are.

Take your time, take care of yourself first & your most loved ones.

I wish you all the very best in times to come. It will take some time to absorb the most recent changes & realisations, so be kind & good to yourself. Breathe as best you can through the roller coaster chaotic moments of deep change, in time your life will settle & you'll be admiring the scenery of your new life.

Nevereatcardboard · 27/08/2025 13:28

FourAndFive · 27/08/2025 12:10

This response sums things up, @ThatBlackCat. Thanks @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

I am not stringing anything out, he isn't in the family home and I am living with some peace and tranquility for now, with the information I need to move forward from the solicitor. There is no rush for me or my DC's. I am willing, for now, to hold steady and bide my time. That is what feels right.

Please step away if you are frustrated.

Show quote history

You are handling this brilliantly, @FourAndFive

Pbjsand · 27/08/2025 13:31

What struck me, when you said “he’s willing to do all that for us—therapy, space, talking—but not cut her off” is that he’s willing to do all that just so he doesn’t have to cut her off. I’m sorry OP 🤗

NameChanged020756 · 27/08/2025 13:34

OP , I still think he is having his cake and eating it too as he believes you will take him back when he is back from the trip as long as he swears to you there was no affair (even if the trip is three months from now). It is obvious he is risking everything to have that night away with her and to see what happens. If they do sleep together he is telling himself it is worth it and maybe you will still take him back if it comes to it, as it is 'one mistake' in 25 years.

Please tell him clearly the marriage ends if he goes on the trip. regardless of what happens on the trip or not. He does not seem to be in any shock at all that he is close to losing you and the life he had for 20 plus years and I am wondering why.

I have been in this situation and spoken to the OW /friend asking her to step back and it spectacularly misfired for many reasons, speaking to her. And yet I am wondering if you have nothing to lose at this point by speaking to her.

I dont think anything but your anger can shock him out of this at this point.

You said in a post that you loved him madly, always. Do you honestly still feel that love ?

LoveSandbanks · 27/08/2025 13:34

ThatBlackCat · 27/08/2025 12:39

It's not so much a 'resolution', but the point that her husband does not seem to know what he needs to do to keep his marriage. He hasn't been told. Until he has been told, he (clearly by his own reactions to her) doesn't know. It needs to be spelled out to him what he needs to do. I know it's not easy. That's all I have to say. And I wish OP the best, peace and strength to her.

Show quote history

He’s been told. He knows exactly what he needs to do to save his marriage but he’s hoping that a week or so will see the op back down or that she’ll be pacified with some counselling. He may even be thinking that a counsellor can be convinced by his narrative and advise op that it’s all fine 🤣

How any grown up can think it’s appropriate to go on a trip where the overnight accommodation has been booked and paid for by a friend of the opposite sex is beyond me.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 27/08/2025 13:35

myopinionis · 27/08/2025 12:22

If you wanted to do that and force a resolution one way or the other within 24 hours, fair enough. But it's perfectly valid for someone else to take a slightly slower approach.

As for criticising the OP because "it's just dragging on and on" ???

WTF? She's been in a marriage for 24 years. And has taken (since the first post on the last thread) only two weeks so far. This is not a gameshow for our entertainment.

Insane, isn’t it?

So many people have the emotional intelligence and attention span of goldfish. They treat threads like this as though they’re soap episodes, not someone’s actual life, and get frustrated when the OP can’t or won’t mindlessly follow their advice, keep the story moving and report back, job done.

Don’t you realise, @FourAndFive, all this real life and real time and sooo many words and not doing what people tell you is taking far too long? If you were more considerate, you’d have neatly wrapped up your 24 year marriage after 10 pages so they could all scroll on to the next thing …

Seriously, hope you’re doing ok. You’re handling everything unbelievably well, and it’s not everyone who can act with such resolve and yet be so measured and reasonable in such a painful and difficult situation x

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2025 13:35

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 27/08/2025 12:01

This feels a little harsh.
I don't think op is stringing this out at all.
She's behaving admirably in my opinion. She's had all of a couple of weeks to get her head around her life being turned upside down and she's holding her boundaries really firmly.
She is giving the man she's built a life with and still loves his options without being a push over and without making any life changing decisions in the heat of the moment.
It's her right to say at any moment she's ready for a permanent separation/ divorce. There's no need to rush that.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree. This is the OP’s life, not a telenovela. She doesn’t need anyone telling her to hurry up and get on with a divorce.

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 27/08/2025 13:36

Op has done great, options not shouting

Cardinalita90 · 27/08/2025 13:43

I wonder if starting the couples counselling now could be a good idea. You're living apart so time to reflect between sessions, and it might help bring a resolution. At least you can then also (worst case scenario) move forward with divorce knowing you tried everything to get through to him.

Plus forces him to address the issue before this weekend away which will really show if he has any integrity and desire to change.