He tells me I don't understand my body

[Anonamous789]

I've been in a relationship with my now husband for nearly 11 years, married for 7. We have 3 children, the youngest is 2. I love him very much and he's forever saying he wants to make me feel good or happy. However, I have one concern and it's getting stronger over time.

I came into the relationship as a virgin and never having thought much about sex. Over time I have come to enjoy some activity but a lot of the time I could still happily not. My husband insists this isn't the case - he thinks I didn't recognise arousal when I was younger and that I still don't understand my body. He wants sex frequently, daily even.

When he messes with me I react and he uses this to reinforce his opinion that I don't understand my body - i think I'm reacting because I'm sensitive... I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the insistence that I'm misunderstanding my body and what I want.

Yesterday I took a plan b pill (he usually pulls out) then this morning he is asking how I'm feeling. I didn't understand at first but he seemed to think I was somehow hiding the fact that I wanted to do something- i felt nothing at the time. But he touched me and messed with me and he ended up on top of me (completely consentual). When he was a little too rough and I said he completely withdrew and then as he's getting ready suggested I really needed that and that I had been 'itchy'.. .I wasn't before but I am now 😞

Am I overreacting, or is this something else...?

Erm this is definitely abusive behaviour. You’re telling him you don’t want it and he’s insisting you do. It is consensual only because you are being coerced - a very fragile line.

I have no idea what you’re talking about. Genuinely. If you could maybe re-word this, I’m sure you’d get some helpful advice.

Have you ever had an orgasm? Do you masturbate? Go buy yourself a vibrator and lock your bedroom door.

Tell your husband to fuck off.

Oh my god. How patronising and what a huge turn off. Nothing would make me want sex less than a man suggesting he understood me more than I did myself.

What do you mean “messes with you” - this is a very negative phrase? Is he physically abusing you? Or are you using the term mess to mean touch?

You’re gonna have to use your words here, we are not 5.

Imagine your sister or best friend came and told you all this, what would you think?
You need to hear this: your husband is messing with your head. It’s not you, it’s him.
It’s a form of manipulation and abuse.

So basically he coerces you into sex. Theres a word for that.

And what on earth is a plan b pill?

Pity he has no idea of how the minds of most women work!

This sounds like abuse OP, I'm really sorry. Do you have any friends you could talk to about this? Could you ask the GP to refer you to your local primary care talking therapies service? I think you need to talk this through with someone in real life to understand your boundaries and enforce them. If he doesn't accept you enforcing them then it's definitely abuse.

I find this behaviour rather sinister op. No wonder you feel uncomfortable.

Morning after pill.

Yuk. Patronising so and so. He is getting a kick out of treating you like a young girl he is 'training'.

Put your foot down and tell him to NEVER speak to you like this again. You are a grown woman who has had 3 children.

Why are you not using contraception?

OP this doesn't sound right at all. What do you mean by 'messes with you'?

He sounds coercive because he's telling you how you feel about sexual desire and insisting he knows better than you.

But he touched me and messed with me and he ended up on top of me (completely consentual). When he was a little too rough and I said he completely withdrew and then as he's getting ready suggested I really needed that and that I had been 'itchy'.. .I wasn't before but I am now

This doesn't sound consensual but it sounds like you don't feel as though you can say no. You can say no to anything at any time. Why aren't you on contraception or using condoms?

There's some information here on coercion:
https://criminalinjurieshelpline.co.uk/blog/what-is-sexual-coercion-in-domestic-relationships/

You can contact Rape Crisis or The Survivor's Trust to discuss how you’re feeling.

Honestly this is very disturbing. I'm not sure what messed with you means in reality, but it doesn't sound at all good.

Pulling out is not effective contraception.
If he won’t use a condom then get implant or coil.
It doesn’t sound like you are giving enthusiastic consent. Have you ever orgasmed?

This doesn't sound like a positive relationship op

I suggest you look up coercion

This is really scary actually possibly one of the more disturbing things I've heard from an abusive man. He is trying to manipulate you. It's suits him to have you believe that you don't understand you're own body because then he can convince you to have sex whenever he wants.

You do not need to be told by anybody else what you think and feel about your own body.

You are not over reacting.

i’m not sure what to advise you to do though.

I was very young and a virgin when I met my now dh. He has never once, over a very long marriage, told me what my body wants or needs. If you are not in the mood you are not in the mood, tell him to fuck right off with his nonsense. And if you are going to continue in this relationship, get proper contraception sorted out.

When he messes with me I react and he uses this to reinforce his opinion that I don't understand my body - i think I'm reacting because I'm sensitive

Surely you are reacting because he is sexually harassing you for sex every day when you don't want to do it? Consent obtained by persuasion is not really true consent.
As for having to take the morning after pill because he didn't pull out - how do you feel about this? It would completely break trust for a lot of people.
He should be asking you how you're feeling because he fucked up and you have to take medication that will mess with your hormones, not because he wants to have sex again. I'm sorry but he doesn't sound like a good man

I am maybe reading this wrong but it sounds like he is forcing himself on you and not giving you a chance to say no.

I'm not sure I can offer advice but he doesn't sound very nice at all!!

As well as everything else, you need to be in control of your own contraception. Starting today. Stop gambling with pregnancy like this - it's a recipe for disaster.

It is very odd when people tell you what you are thinking or feeling and when deny it, they don't believe you.

Having experienced domestic abuse myself, I think PPs who are saying this is abuse are probably right. I would recommend talking to Women's Aid. They will be happy to discuss what is and isn't abuse. You could be experiencing other kinds of abuse without even realizing it. I actually didn't realize I was being abused until my GP told me. You can also speak to a GP about this.

Op, when you say he "messes with you" and you "react", are you saying he fingers you and you get wet as a result? It's not clear what you mean.

It all sounds like a very odd dynamic though. You know if you want sex - you're right that your DH can't decide this for you. I hate to say it, but it sounds more 'parent-child' than 'partner-partner', and that's concerning.