He tells me I don't understand my body

[Anonamous789]

I've been in a relationship with my now husband for nearly 11 years, married for 7. We have 3 children, the youngest is 2. I love him very much and he's forever saying he wants to make me feel good or happy. However, I have one concern and it's getting stronger over time.

I came into the relationship as a virgin and never having thought much about sex. Over time I have come to enjoy some activity but a lot of the time I could still happily not. My husband insists this isn't the case - he thinks I didn't recognise arousal when I was younger and that I still don't understand my body. He wants sex frequently, daily even.

When he messes with me I react and he uses this to reinforce his opinion that I don't understand my body - i think I'm reacting because I'm sensitive... I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the insistence that I'm misunderstanding my body and what I want.

Yesterday I took a plan b pill (he usually pulls out) then this morning he is asking how I'm feeling. I didn't understand at first but he seemed to think I was somehow hiding the fact that I wanted to do something- i felt nothing at the time. But he touched me and messed with me and he ended up on top of me (completely consentual). When he was a little too rough and I said he completely withdrew and then as he's getting ready suggested I really needed that and that I had been 'itchy'.. .I wasn't before but I am now 😞

Am I overreacting, or is this something else...?

I was mainly referring to "Come on OP, you’re a grown woman, talk in grown up terms!" by @Whattodo1610 which I feel is unnecessarily harsh.

Equally we can’t keep
assuming we’ve deciphered her words and meanings correctly though.

My initial thoughts on her OP was wtf have I just read?! Messes with, I thought initially was him saying stuff and messing with her head. She reacts, I thought initially meant she withdraws from sex/freezes. Itchy? Fuck knows.

She’s being too confusing. She’s been with him for 11 years, married 7, 3 kids … she can absolutely use better terminology. It will
HELP everyone here to HELP her more effectively!

I agree correct terminology will help OP advocate for herself, but if she doesn't know what it is or has spent a lifetime feeling like using it is shameful (very common in many cultures) then people yelling it at her on a forum isn't likely to change that and may in fact alienate her from coming back to a thread which could help her.

That's a lot of words to say "I am married to a rapist"

I’m also guessing that you’re American, OP.

In any case, it sounds like your upbringing not only encouraged virginity until marriage but also like it did not permit open and honest discussions about your body and sex but treated sex and sexual desire as something shameful, at least for women. This means you’re using language which is a bit hard to understand for those of us who are used to discussing things more freely.

It has also made you vulnerable. Generally, insisting on virginity until marriage often means that people marry when they’re young and lacking in experience.

It also sounds like your husband pressures you for sex and overrides your assessment of your own desires. That is abusive. He seems to see you as a receptacle for himself rather than a separate person. Is he from the same background as you? Is it a background which teaches (wrongly!!!) that the man is boss and the women must obey their husbands? In any case, it’s very troubling.

You’re also vulnerable to another pregnancy because of the contraceptive situation. If you’re going to continue having sex (at least for now), have you considered the coil?

Teaching the usual words for sex is as important as teaching children the correct words for their genitals. Clarity, understanding, confidence in speaking up and asking for help and making needs clear.

Coercive sex is never consensual.

You will never feel a desire for sex because your husband is a rapist who is using your inexperience to con you into more sex.

You are right about bodies reacting involuntarily. A sexual assault victim can orgasm- it doesn’t mean that the victim wanted it. It’s the same as when you’re tickled and want it to stop but you laugh. The laughing doesn’t override the word stop.

He could have a vasectomy.

Or better still the abusive cunt could be have his dick chopped off.

The amount of women on here getting sexually assaulted and raped by their husbands and they don’t even know it is absolutely heartbreaking.

Posters berating other posters for incorrect grammar and spelling on threads where they're reaching out for help in complex emotional situations is getting really old and annoying on MN now. You're not obliged to read or join in the thread. If you don't understand what she's saying - although it really wasn't that difficult - then just scroll on by.

Why are you having a dig at someone who's clearly struggling, when you don't need to? Why is this such a thing on MN? Urrgh.

When you say 'messes with' do you mean foreplay? Like fingers, oral sex, touching? Is it consensual? Because if it is consensual maybe you could say 'we engaged in foreplay'.

When you say he 'messes with you' it makes it sound like you are a passive or unwilling recipient. Is that right?

When you say 'react', do you mean you are finding the sensation pleasant or unpleasant? Do you mean you're having an orgasm?

When he said 'itchy', was he trying to say he thought you wanted sex?

We need more information to give the correct guidance.

This is literally nothing to do with spelling or grammar. Get off your high horse. It’s the fact the OP is writing like a child. Itches?! What on earth does that even mean. If you want help from other adults, you need to oh I don’t know, communicate like an adult?

The fact that you have a physical response to him touching you yet say you don't want sex doesn't mean that you don't understand your body. It means that you are a human being with the right to say no regardless. He sounds abusive.

Yes, this 👆

Another one suggesting you have a coil fitted.

Basically he wants sex every day. He touches you in a sexual way which you don’t really want but put up with because of the man child sulking if you don’t. Your body then becomes aroused and he responds by saying you were aroused all along, but you didn’t realise you were, and he could sense this as he knows your body better than you do.

He’s painting himself as teacher to the young virgin. He is the experienced one and the poor little virgin is blind to her own body’s desires, and he is here to show you how to give your body what it wants, you just need to trust him and listen to him and give into it.

It is a sick fantasy he is playing out. He is coercing you into sex you don’t want and gaslighting you into thinking you’re not aware your body wants it!!

Your mind knows perfectly well when your body isn’t up for it. If you’ve let him “mess” with you when you didn’t want it, it’s not because your body did want it really, it’s because he has coerced you into it through pressure and sulking. This is abusive behaviour. And using you to play act his sick teacher/virginal student fantasy is beyond disgusting.

If your body does become aroused this is a normal physical response to touch. It doesn’t mean you must have been up for it all along.

Personally I couldn’t stay with a man who thought this was OK and was turned on by this. Obviously it’s up to you but at the very least I think you should seek some support to understand and process what’s been happening to you.

It’s not about spelling and grammar ffs. Reaching out in complex emotional situations .. so complex they can’t using basic language? You THINK you understand OP’s meanings, but as many other posters have also pointed out, these words/phrases are open to interpretation and can mean different things. But also very importantly, if OP clearly doesn’t understand basic communication/words, why is everyone piling phrases and words back that she equally won’t understand? It works both ways. We’re all just trying to help, not to berate her 😵‍💫

OP the withdrawal method isn't contraception. It's something you can do if pregnancy wouldn't be an issue. He doesn't have to finish to get you pregnant.

You're not offering help though, are you? Just patronising comments about how she needs to grow up. Never mind the fact that her husband is abusing her - let's focus on the real issue: her use of language.

Show me where I said grow up …. Then re-read my posts. Nowhere do I say any of this is acceptable. Nowhere.

You don't think the fact that she sounds rather naive and struggles expressing herself might be exactly why her husband is managing to gaslight and abuse her?

But yeah let's focus on how she's in the wrong here.

Everything @BustyLaRouxsaid I think is spot on