He tells me I don't understand my body

[Anonamous789]

I've been in a relationship with my now husband for nearly 11 years, married for 7. We have 3 children, the youngest is 2. I love him very much and he's forever saying he wants to make me feel good or happy. However, I have one concern and it's getting stronger over time.

I came into the relationship as a virgin and never having thought much about sex. Over time I have come to enjoy some activity but a lot of the time I could still happily not. My husband insists this isn't the case - he thinks I didn't recognise arousal when I was younger and that I still don't understand my body. He wants sex frequently, daily even.

When he messes with me I react and he uses this to reinforce his opinion that I don't understand my body - i think I'm reacting because I'm sensitive... I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the insistence that I'm misunderstanding my body and what I want.

Yesterday I took a plan b pill (he usually pulls out) then this morning he is asking how I'm feeling. I didn't understand at first but he seemed to think I was somehow hiding the fact that I wanted to do something- i felt nothing at the time. But he touched me and messed with me and he ended up on top of me (completely consentual). When he was a little too rough and I said he completely withdrew and then as he's getting ready suggested I really needed that and that I had been 'itchy'.. .I wasn't before but I am now 😞

Am I overreacting, or is this something else...?

Mn have taken down 1 post .. just 1 🤔 But yes, mn are allowed to be the thread police, I have no issue with that, it is their site after all.

Demands op expresses herself better? Bit strong I think there. I doubt OP has been scared off, she does have a life after all, so won’t be on mn 24/7. But here’s another thought - maybe the posts with extensive language in, that she can’t quite comprehend could also be a reason she’s not posting right now? No-one knows as everyone is assuming what they know, from deciphering posts 🤷‍♀️

Firstly I do understand the content of the posts. I just feel very uncomfortable talking about things like this as ridiculous as it may sound. I'm also writing these posts with my children around and initially we were at the park so I my attention is somewhat split. My parents were older and maybe I had a very sheltered upbringing. Being a virgin when I met him wasn't enforced but something that just happened.

I had experienced something of a non consentual but also not fully sexual nature prior to meeting him which had affected me deeply and I was very hesitant about everything. (Yes I know I'm being vague here and I'm not going to explain or use different language) He was always understanding and we only moved at my pace.

Subsequent to each child he was eager to have sex again and not backward in expressing this but he didn't force me. He has never continued if I have said stop or no I don't want this.

We are agreed we don't want more kids - we originally thought we were done at 2 but we changed our mind (prompted by me not him before anyone suggests otherwise). But you're right he doesn't want to have a vasectomy - I think he's worried about how it will feel after. He also pointed out I wasn't keen on getting my tubes tied.

In other parts of our life he is amazing. I have been a sahm since being made redundant during covid but that has been my choice not his. We have a lot of family stuff going on - deaths, cancer, dementia - on both sides and he's incredibly supportive emotionally and practically with this (driving for visits which he even encourages, talking, hugs, encouraging me to take time for myself as well etc). He's great with the kids so not I'm not worried about him being around them!

It's just this one area, sometimes sex and his fingering/touching feels amazing, others...I don't know...

oh, and itchy is a term we use because I used to get thrush a lot before I met him (or in thought I did anyway) . He thinks I mistook arousal for itchiness during/after pubity and that I should have masturbated myself.

Op I’m glad you came back.

Your husband sounds nice in lots of ways but I think with sex he could do with a bit of education maybe. I think you struggle to communicate though. Could you write him a letter and just explain you’re a grown woman now, know your body, would like sex a bit less etc etc. would this be an option for you? Have you ever tried that way of communicating if you struggle face to face?

Also I don’t know about you but thrush does not feel like sexual arousal to me! I just can’t see how it would. That’s like saying a nettle sting feels like a stroke with a feather 🤣

Ignore the condescending posts OP.

I think you are minimising what he is doing. He is wrong to coerce you into sex. It doesn’t matter how helpful he is in other ways. That does not negate his behaviour here.

He is wrong about women’s sexual arousal and believing that itchiness is a sign of this - he really needs to educate himself. He should respect your boundaries and wishes, not try to gaslight you about your own body.

Sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have some support IRL.

You had Thrush.

Thinking about pubescent girls in a sexual manner rather than what you know you experienced - Thrush - is just another way he tries to rationalise the fact that he is raping you when you don't want to have sex but he insists that you wanted it really.

Thank you returning to this somewhat derailed thread @Anonamous789 and not being put off by the language police. I think your meaning was pretty clear personally and you shouldn’t have to explain why you felt uncomfortable not using more forthright terminology.

I’m afraid your last paragraph has really disturbed me. He does not know your body better than you. Thrush can cause a lot of discharge/feeling of wetness. It’s pretty clear to me that he has a fantasy of you as a younger woman with a maturing body not realising that the physical symptoms you were experiencing were the result of arousal and that he is the one to come along and awaken you. As I say, it’s the stuff of male fantasies and not very nice for you. It must make you feel disempowered and confused/foolish. But again, I think that may be his intention and part of the fantasy.

Lots of men can be very nice but have some bizarre sexual desires. How harmful these would be to another person and whether they act them out or not determines whether they are abusive. I’m afraid your innocence seems to be being used to fulfil his sexual needs. He is making you doubt your mind and your body and using that to ensure he has access to sex even when you don’t want it. (If he can make you doubt yourself when you don’t think you want it, then he’s onto a winner!!)

I would be tempted to tell him to fuck off, your itchiness was down to vaginal thrush thanks and that you’ll let him know in future when you’re feeling up for a fuck. Otherwise he is to leave you alone, quit the sulking and never again suggest that he knows your body better than you. Again, I would also reiterate that you should maybe seek some support (outside of MN and from people who won’t admonish you for using terminology they pretend not to understand), as what’s happened to you is a form of gaslighting and abuse. I’m sorry you’ve been put through this by someone you trusted. You definitely need some help to establish and assert your boundaries going forward at the very least.

Also He thinks I mistook arousal for itchiness during/after pubity and that I should have masturbated myself has just made throw up in my mouth!

@Whattodo1610 The irony of you bleating on about the OP’s reading comprehension and language when your own spelling and grammar leaves a lot to be desired, is hilarious. All you’ve done is make patronising, unhelpful and argumentative remarks. You must be very bored.

I don't want to go down the 'LTB' vein with you, OP, but what you've said about his attitude to sex and your body is concerning, tbh. I actually find it pretty unforgiveable that he just expects you to take the morning after pill - knowing you're sensitive to hormones - because he decided not to pull out, or use effective contraception. If you keep doing this - and you say he wants sex every day so presumably this happens a lot - you will end up with more children. Or the decision to have an abortion.

Thrush is thrush, there's no real way that can be mistaken for arousal. The discharge isn't remotely similar. I take it your husband wasn't also a virgin when you got together? Has he had a lot of experience with women?

What’s up with my spelling and grammar?
I’m not bleating on, merely replying to posters attacking me 🤷‍♀️

Please OP go back and carefully read and absorb the longer post @BustyLaRoux added, she nailed it. It does not sound to me at all that this is truly consensual, and further, I expect your DH at some level knows that too- hence his post event justification. A good test here, would you think this was all okay if your daughter came to you in 10 years and explained the same scenarios? How would you feel? What would you advise her? You need some support, and outside of your church. I’m sorry this is happening to you ☹️

Echoing the concern about coercion, his ‘training you’ fantasy and other worrying aspects of this.

I just wanted to ask if there was any religious aspect to your upbringing or sexual development? If so, his mind games could be interacting particularly badly with hang ups from there and it could be worth exploring that in a therapeutic context too… Do ignore if not relevant or helpful!

Ok op, you seem set that he’s not abusive. All I would say is therefore keep reading, keep talking to people, tell them what’s going on in your life, see if a pattern emerges.

Also he’s worried about how he’ll feel after . You have written that as if it’s a completely rational thing. Add the rest of the sentence a tiny operation for one single day but is quite happy for me to take a risk every fucking day of having to take the morning after pill plus the absolute horror of an abortion
it is shocking that you don’t seem to see how abhorrently selfish this is.

a normal relationship where the options are vasectomy/or map/abortion and the couple consider themselves as equals would be a no brainer.

Have you ever sought counselling or therapy to explore the experience that you mentioned happened before you met? The ambiguity of something that doesn’t fit clear definitions, or did but didn’t quite happen, can be an absolute head wrecker. A professional can help you sort through the various layers of feelings in a way that centres you and your experience.

This is a very distressing read.

My DH has had a vasectomy. They did it under a local. He was sore for a few days after. Back at his physical job the next day.
it is nothing like the major operation that is tubes tied

Vasectomy - very minor (external" op under local anaesthetic. Discomfort for a couple of days after.

Female sterilisation - bigger internal op under general anaesthetic. Feeling like you've been kicked in the guts by a large horse up to a couple of weeks after (I've had both the sterilisation and the kicked by a horse thing).

For both - no change in sexual desire or sensations afterwards.

Itchiness in the vaginal area - irritation whether due to thrush, allergic reaction (e.g. changed washing powder) or something like friction. NOT sexual desire.

The term "scratch an itch" was coined to mean the similar effect as scratching an itch, in that you do something physical to get rid of a feeling. Scratch the itch, itch stops. Have sex, stop the "randy" feeling.

Maybe you just need to speak up/make it clear you dont want sex in these situations. It all sounds a bit blurred and as its been this way for so long, he just thinks you are happy to go with the flow. Id definitely look into other options of contraception eg coil etc

if your happy with this relationship, then all good 👍

How on earth is it ‘all good’?! He’s been coercing her and gaslighting her, it’s abusive.

Yes it is abusive, we all know that but this is one of those threads where the op spills the beans on their awful relationship, we all give advice and then shes come back saying but hes a great dad and all round fabulous human in all other ways, im not going to split up with him. So all our advice falls on dead ears. We know shes not happy but is not willing to throw the bomb into the relationship to save herself & kids. It has to come from her 🤷🏻‍♀️