He tells me I don't understand my body

[Anonamous789]

I've been in a relationship with my now husband for nearly 11 years, married for 7. We have 3 children, the youngest is 2. I love him very much and he's forever saying he wants to make me feel good or happy. However, I have one concern and it's getting stronger over time.

I came into the relationship as a virgin and never having thought much about sex. Over time I have come to enjoy some activity but a lot of the time I could still happily not. My husband insists this isn't the case - he thinks I didn't recognise arousal when I was younger and that I still don't understand my body. He wants sex frequently, daily even.

When he messes with me I react and he uses this to reinforce his opinion that I don't understand my body - i think I'm reacting because I'm sensitive... I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the insistence that I'm misunderstanding my body and what I want.

Yesterday I took a plan b pill (he usually pulls out) then this morning he is asking how I'm feeling. I didn't understand at first but he seemed to think I was somehow hiding the fact that I wanted to do something- i felt nothing at the time. But he touched me and messed with me and he ended up on top of me (completely consentual). When he was a little too rough and I said he completely withdrew and then as he's getting ready suggested I really needed that and that I had been 'itchy'.. .I wasn't before but I am now 😞

Am I overreacting, or is this something else...?

When you say you ‘react’ do you mean he’s saying that once you are convinced to have sex you do enjoy it, so you’re not listening to your body?

He sounds like a creepy sex pest and his inability to control his own ejaculation, or even his own body show that he isn’t someone whose word should be trusted when it comes to understanding your own body. If he wants an orgasm every day there are ways to get that without coercing your wife into being a human fleshlight. The fact that you consider it to be consensual when he ends up being rough on top of you when you originally didn’t want sex shows that neither of you has a firm grasp of what consent looks like. I mean, he may know, he just doesn’t care.

Please sort your contraception, look up coercion, watch the video on YouTube about consent being like a cup of tea. And please consider leaving this rapey bastard asap.

Fucking hell. Please get on some contraception for the minute while you process this stuff. Your brain is literally telling you something is wrong. Thats why you've posted.

Be careful being the victim. This could lead to more control and even into areas where you are not comfortable but will allow yourself to be lead. Your husband sounds controlling. Stand up to him and make sure you read all the stuff you need to to fully understand your body. It's yours and your choice.

Op this sounds like you are being harassed sexually by your husband and it’s that that is the turn off! It’s deeply manipulative to suggest otherwise! This has nothing to do with your body! How dare your husband tell you that he knows better about it than you do!

Please assert yourself here op and stand up to him. He sounds like an adolescent rather than a father of three and that is deeply unattractive.

Your youngest is two. You have three dc. Does your dh know that good sex begins outside of the bedroom and how much he contributes to running the house and parenting and how much you feel safe with him? Tell him to stop being so deeply selfish and to grow up.

Migraines mean a lot is unsuitable and I react badly (as in feeling worse than when pregnant) with the rest. Condoms also not ideal for reasons of sensitivity to plastic on my part. He truthfully usually doesn't come close to ejaculating without encouragement of hands subsequent to pulling out - he says he's clear we don't another child.

Imo your body knows he is an abusive cunt...
Time to seek professional help in leaving the relationship..
Op nightly rapes were the norm in my first marriage...
I felt nothing and he didn't care.

He touches me, fingers me until my body ends up reacting. I'm not being forced and I do say no and get it respected but usually the reaction with that is sulky and hurt impression.

Contraception is difficult as I explained previously, migraines, bad reactions and plastic sensitivity makes it a complicated thing.

It sounds like he’s gaslighting you by telling you that you enjoyed sex with him, after he’s coerced you into doing it - and then deflects responsibility by saying you don’t understand your own body. You are not consenting. He is not a good man.

Edited to add: Bodies can respond to sexual acts because this is how bodies work, it does not mean you consent or enjoy the sexual activity. Women can orgasm during rape, this does not mean they weren’t raped. Consent needs to be enthusiastic, it sounds as though you are going along with what he wants to avoid him sulking. He is very manipulative and this is abuse.

It all sounds a bit uncomfortable and you clearly have entirely different sex drives.

I think he’s being very clumsy in trying to get you to want and / or enjoy sex.

Theres a complete disconnect in what you both want by the sounds of it.

He is the one that doesn’t understand your body if he thinks that pulling out or using Plan B is a long term contraception strategy.

he sounds abusive

Feeling uncomfortable is not that you don’t know your body, is actually your body telling you that is not liking the touch or the person that is insisting in sex. Please know that to enjoy sex sometimes you need deep connection with that person or sometimes just physical attraction. Don’t feel forced to do it just because your husband is treating you like a little girl (disturbing) and telling you that you don’t know your body. Some people like it more, some people like it less. There is nothing wrong with you. I would fix husband issue rather than that. On the other hand, if you believe you would like to explore more what you like, I recommend masturbation, tounching yourself, just to see what feels good to you. You don’t need a man to tell you that.

Sulking when you say no is NOT respectful. Your body WILL react when someone fingers you for protection (you will become wet to stop irritation!) but that doesn’t mean you are SEXUALLY AROUSED just because your body reacts.

your husband sounds vile and you need to listen to your own thoughts, not his!

This is not right, please seek professional help OP xx

If he doesn’t want a baby, it seems the only contraception available to the two of you is a vasectomy. Why hasn’t he had that?

this isn’t good op. He is essentially forcing you to have the morning after pill with all its chemicals or if it came to it, am abortion, rather than him having the snip. Why?

also, what do you think consensual means? Do you think anything other than him holding a knife to your throat is consensual.

I am very worried for you op. I expect he has been abusing you for years and you don’t have the knowledge to realise it. Or you bury your head in the sand ‘for the sake of your kids’.

it is good that you started this post. I expect it is the first step to your realisation.

He is being patronising and using your lack of wider sexual experience as an excuse to coerce you into having sex when you do not want to.

This is fundamentally wrong.

You DO know your body. He does not.

Op this is coercive behaviour

It took me a long time to realise this too

This sounds terrible for both of you. He wants a marriage with sex - you don't. You are not compatible.
Seperately, would you consider counselling, for yourself, to try to unravel your feelings and experiences?

Honestly the taking of pill is causing mixed feelngs because truthfully i was quite enthusiastic myself that evening and it happened s lot faster than usual- he usually doesn't even come close and finishes using hands after he's pulled out. I don't for one second think he did it deliberately I'm just not keen on his response this morning....

You say you were a virgin before you met him - so near enough any issues you have with not wanting sex or enjoying it are entirely down to him not bothering to work out what you and your body want. Sounds like he's just doing things the way he likes.

There are other forms of contraceptive than the pill, and actually the majority of condoms are made from latex and NOT plastic.

If the morning after pill doesn't make your migraines worse, I doubt that the contraceptive pill would and as there are many different types then you could try one and if that doesn't work out for you try a different one. Bear in mind that the contraceptive pill is made from hormones which are the same as the ones in your body when you're pregnant

Yes that's what i mean about messing - fingerings, touching breaststroke etc. Honestly I am very ticklish as well so I do find it can be difficult not to react.

OP, you do not owe your husband sex. He doesn't understand your body better than you do. He is using that as an excuse to coerce you into sex.

You having to take the morning after pill because he couldn't be bothered to use a condom or withdraw is evidence that he's continually putting his own pleasure before your needs or wants - or even your health. He doesn't respect you. And I'm sorry but he sounds like a massive arsehole.

I'd really consider whether this is a relationship you want to stay in. What happens when you inevitably get pregnant with a fourth child, or a fifth or sixth child, from sexual contact that you never actually wanted? I wouldn't trust this guy to stick around for the long haul. He's obviously the only man you've ever been with, so you don't have grounds for comparison, but trust us all when we say - this isn't normal. You're fine! He isn't normal.

You can still get pregnant even if he doesn't ejaculate inside you.

I imagine it’s the morning after pill. I feel a bit sorry for OP, she seems a little naive and inexperienced. I wish posters would realise we haven’t all got the same background or education level (not a dig at you, just the people that are saying use your words etc) OP might never have had some things explained to her, different cultures etc and she’s reaching out for support.

She might enjoy sex more if her husband didn't keep trying to finger her when she wasn't up for it. Most women would struggle with that.

She's not the one who needs therapy - except perhaps to be more assertive. Her husband is the one who needs to unpack why he feels entitled to her body, whenever and however he wants. That's not a marriage. She's not his possession.

I appear to be the only poster who doesn't get the 'itchy' thing.

He says you felt itchy, you didn't but did afterwards. Do you mean actually itchy or something else?