He tells me I don't understand my body

[Anonamous789]

I've been in a relationship with my now husband for nearly 11 years, married for 7. We have 3 children, the youngest is 2. I love him very much and he's forever saying he wants to make me feel good or happy. However, I have one concern and it's getting stronger over time.

I came into the relationship as a virgin and never having thought much about sex. Over time I have come to enjoy some activity but a lot of the time I could still happily not. My husband insists this isn't the case - he thinks I didn't recognise arousal when I was younger and that I still don't understand my body. He wants sex frequently, daily even.

When he messes with me I react and he uses this to reinforce his opinion that I don't understand my body - i think I'm reacting because I'm sensitive... I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the insistence that I'm misunderstanding my body and what I want.

Yesterday I took a plan b pill (he usually pulls out) then this morning he is asking how I'm feeling. I didn't understand at first but he seemed to think I was somehow hiding the fact that I wanted to do something- i felt nothing at the time. But he touched me and messed with me and he ended up on top of me (completely consentual). When he was a little too rough and I said he completely withdrew and then as he's getting ready suggested I really needed that and that I had been 'itchy'.. .I wasn't before but I am now 😞

Am I overreacting, or is this something else...?

It sounds like she's American, or from a religious cultural background where it's normal to remain a virgin until you marry. Which isn't an issue in itself, but obviously does mean you don't have much experience to draw on when considering whether your sexual relationship is 'normal.'

Ahh emergency contraception. Never heard it referred to as ‘plan b’ despite working in this area!

Quite worrying IMO. All of it.

@carmak- I think she means he was suggesting she wanted sex.

I expect he meant she was itching for it - ie desperate for it. She meant she felt itchy and not right afterwards.
He's coercing you into sex OP, it's all really disturbing, abusive and controlling. Sulking and being hurt is NOT respecting your right to say no.
This man sounds absolutely vile, I'm really sorry you're being treated like this.

After 3 kids and having to “withdraw” and use “morning after pill, why do you not have contraception in place - either the pill for you/condoms or the snip? Unless you want more kids, youre playing a dangerously emotional game.

he sounds like they typical sex pest. He wants it daily- i fucking bet he does.

whats your situation, do you work, have a pension, savings?

do you own the house?

does he parent his kids/fair share of housework etc?

what was he like after each birth and wanting sex? If you say no and he doesnt have sex, does he sulk etc?

ive been in a relationship with a sex pest and theres nothing that makes me dry up faster! He also used to say - you say you dont want sex but your body responds etc

Your terminology make this difficult to understand correctly.

by messing with you do you mean foreplay
by plan b pill do you mean the morning after pill.
by itchy do you mean aroused? Or something else.

I think you are saying you don’t really want sex but consent to foreplay. Where you become aroused, and then what, you still don’t want sex, and he is saying as you’re aroused he thinks you do?

OP, your posts and the people trying to understand them honestly make me feel of someone very vulnerable being coached through describing abuse to a doctor or similar. Your husband is taking advantage of your lack of knowledge in this area so that he can coerce and abuse you.

You sound extremely vulnerable. You are absolutely naive about sex, and your husband is exploiting that in the worst way by gaslighting you.

You do understand your body. He doesn't. Even if you have little experience of sex, everyone knows what does or doesn't feel good when someone touches them or when they touch themselves. Your husband is coercing you into sex that you don't want and he is violating your trust by coming inside you when you're not on birth control. He's vile. This is serious abuse.

Agree with pps. Also ''d'p I do know what i like thanks and that's eg romance, fun, consent... What i dont like is being gaslit and you forcing yourself on me'

Op it’s very hard to advise here as some of this terminology you’re using isn’t common.
What does itchy mean? Aroused?
What does you being sensitive mean? You actually orgasm with his touch or something else?
Was your husband a virgin too?

This doesn’t sound exactly ‘normal’ though which wouldn’t be an issue if it was both your version of normal. But because you clearly don’t see this as your normal baseline sex need that means it isn’t normal!
But even for most people I’d say:
His wanting sex daily isn’t common with 3 children, no. And if you want it less a compromise should be reached.
His need to use hand on himself to climax isn’t normal either. It sounds like he has his own issues!
His constantly telling you what you feel isn’t normal either. It’s controlling.

If you have completed family at 3 children why doesn’t he have vasectomy?

Does itchy mean horney?

My reading of this is he likes changing your mind when you say you’re not in the mood.
When your body responds to him it reinforces his idea that he knows you better than you know yourself.

It’s an ego/power trip for him.

You're not overreacting. Your feelings and boundaries are valid, and it's deeply concerning that your husband is repeatedly dismissing what you say you feel and want. Being told you 'don’t understand your own body' is not only patronising — it’s a form of manipulation. Consent isn’t just about saying 'yes' in the moment, it’s also about feeling safe, respected, and genuinely heard. If you're feeling uncomfortable, especially more so over time, that’s something to take seriously. You deserve a relationship where your autonomy and comfort are fully respected — physically and emotionally.

OP here's a video on consent:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

You have a right not to have sex for any reason and a right to take back consent for any reason. If for example, you feel like having sex but change your mind, you have a right to stop and have that respected. Sulking is not respect.

Here's some information on contraception:
https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/

There's contraception that doesn't involve hormones such as a cap or copper coil. Your husband can also get a vasectomy.

If you're in the States, there's lots of info here on domestic abuse:
https://www.thehotline.org/

Here's a list of international helplines:
https://nomoredirectory.org/get-help

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It definitely isnt OK. I agree re Wonems Aid and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is also a good option, they will also be able to talk through with you what is and isnt abusive and what you might want to do next.

In the meantime, how about a copper coil (IUD) as those don't involve hormones and once it is inserted you don't need to think about contraception again? DH wouldn't need to know either

'Messes with me' and 'itchy' and 'plan B' are such unusual euphemistic terms. Your vocabulary does suggest you can't bring yourself to write the words, as though you haven't yet allowed yourself to even think them.

Did you experience a repressive upbringing, perhaps where sex was not spoken about, or portrayed as dirty? Maybe a very religious background?

Are you both from the same culture, the same upbringing that didn't develop understanding? His behaviour suggests this.

If you're three kids and done, your safest option would be for him to have a vasectomy. But I'd bet my lunch he'd refuse.

He controlling and coercive OP, at best. Are you in the UK? Can you ring rape crisis to talk this over with non judgemental women?

OP is English your first language? Your posts are very difficult to decipher/interpret! Just say exactly what you mean using actual words, thoughts, emotions!

From everyone else deciphering on your behalf, I think it sounds like you mean you don’t want sex, ‘d’h does it anyway, you end up having an orgasm, so he tells you you wanted it. If this is a correct interpretation then you need to tell him to fuck off out of your life. If this is not correct then please tell your story again using actual words!

Messes with me = foreplay
Plan b pill = morning after pill
Itchy = 🤷‍♀️
React = get aroused??

Come on OP, you’re a green woman, talk in grown up terms!

He is a predator. It sounds really awful @Anonamous789 😟

I tell you who knows less about your body than you do and that is anyone other than you.

This is not good.

I don't think its helpful to keep berating OP for her terminology, clearly she is not experienced in these matters and we don't know her history, background, education or culture- not everyone is aware of the right terms nor do they feel comfortable saying them out loud. I suspect that OP's husband uses this to his advantage.

He sounds horrible op. Manipulative and controlling.

now Ive assumed this isn’t a case of you not really feeling it, him trying it on a bit and you going. Actually go on, this is fun actually.

He’s manipulative, coercive and abusive

you won’t believe it now as you believe he loves you.
being sulky over not getting sex, making you feel guilty about not wanting sex until you give in just to get him to shut up.

thats coercion

if he’s touching any part of your body without your consent, even if it reacts. If it’s without your consent
thats abusive.

your body reacts because it’s designed to, it doesn’t mean you wanted it or don’t understand your body. It’s how it’s designed to work. It’s used as a justification in horrific abuse cases, it is not a defence. It’s still abuse

I think she means horny as in needed to scratch the itch

Unless I’m reading this wrong - because the wording is very muddled - he’s basically sexually abusing you on a daily basis and gaslighting you into believing you’re the one in the wrong.

We are not 'berating' OP. We're noticing how unusual the vocabulary is and inferring a link between that and the couple's upbringing, thought processes and attitudes - and the last two can change.

I honestly think you need to get a lot more comfortable speaking about sex like an adult, to be able to properly advocate for yourself. You should be using proper terminology and making yourself more clearly understood.
You sound so vulnerable and childlike.