My Partner slept with an Escort, how do I move on?

[MugOrJustHopefull]

My partner(M55) and I (F48) have been together 2.5 yrs and our start was far from conventional. He was married when we met and left his wife for multiple reasons which he says were already existing before me, and that meeting me was the catalyst of him leaving rather than leaving her for me.

I moved a long way 6 months ago to be with him and our physical relationship is phenomenal and always has been.

I am a very rational person, I have encouraged him to open up and express his thoughts and feelings, which he has done, especially over the last 18 months. I've never shouted or screamed at him and that's something hes not used to, just calm conversations.

Recently, I knew there was something wrong and as much as I tried to get him to talk, he would just shut down.

He left his PC open and I looked at his search history and he had been goggling escorts and there were 4 photos of a woman.

I asked him about the escort searches and he said he'd always thought they were more realistic that standard sights. It was clear to me that there was still something he wasnt saying, I asked him over and over to which I just got - i don't know what you want me to say,and then again - shut down.

I mentioned the 4 photos of a woman and he denied knowledge, so I said id show him, but they had been deleted and the thumbnails said "recently deleted".

Anyway fast forward 24 hours and I finally got him to confess he'd slept with an Escort. He said it was only once and before we moved in together so around October time. I stayed calm and rational as always and we talked, he cried, I didn't. He said it was a huge mistake that he regretted the second he'd done it.

Well, fast forward another week and we've discussed it, I know who she was, where and when, bits and pieces of what they did / didn't do and what she looks like. She is of course slim, young and pretty.

I really want to try and move on with our
relationship together. He's given me all the standard lines of its me that he loves and wants to be with and grow old with and he wants us to have a life together.

My trust in him is shattered and he works away a fair bit so I know that will be torturous.

BUT.... although I can forgive in time I don't know how to forget.
I just don't know how we move on together

He thinks consent can be purchased. It would be a game over for me.

You leave and move back. Disgusting man

and a cheater.

Surely he is now your ex partner?

There’s absolutely nothing else to consider.

Leave him.

Unless this is what you want for your life. Until he dumps you for the next one.

Really hope this is a holiday creative writing exercise.

If trust is broken, there’s no future with him unless you don’t mind constantly wondering what he’s up to when you’re not there.

If it was me, I’d get rid and move on. He knew losing you was a risk. He did it anyway. That’s how little he values you.

He didn’t have to do this. He chose to.

He betrayed you AND thinks women and their consent can be bought. Makes it straightforward surely?

Well he's a cheat and once a cheat always a cheat do you move on by leaving I say it he'll do it again.
He already showed you his cards when he cheated on his ex with you op sorry to be blunt but that is him

You can't trust this man so why do you want to stay? The future doesn't look good.

Realistically you won't forget and you'll be wondering when he leaves your side what he's up to
He lied to you over and over again, surely you're wondering what else he might have lied about, what he'll lie about in the future
It wasn't a mistake, he didn't accidentally fall into bed with an escort.

I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt...you are wilfully ignoring what's in front of your face.
He is googling escorts ( because he intends to use and has used their services) and leaves the computer open so that you see it. The only reason men google escorts is because they are interested in the services they provide.
He admitted to using an escort ( or let's be clear, sex worker) on one occasion. He only admitted it under extreme pressure. Of course he says it's before he started living with you, that's the least bad thing he can think of to say now that he knows you're on to him. But the fact that the googling is recent tells you different. Had he started sleeping with you at the time he admits to using the sex worker?
He says meeting you was the catalyst for him leaving his wife as if that exonerates him. I wonder how far things went with you before he let his wife know what was going on.
This guy is clearly a cheat, and thinks it's OK to buy sex. Why do you want to forgive or forget this? He'll do it again. He'll lie to you about it. You will get more hurt. End it now.

How do you move on? I’d walk out of the door and keep on walking, if I were you.

Obviously you can't move past this, how could you even try?

OP , sorry to hear this ..
It’s irrelevant that she is an escort, all you will get on this now is “ so it’s okay to buy woman’s bodies “& “ he views women as objects “ 🙄..

You’ve mentioned you have a phenomenal sex life ,& yet he still went ahead & cheated ..
I can never understand that all , I’m not saying it’s fine to cheat if you are married/ in a relationship, & your partner never wants to have sex cause everyone does have needs , but it makes it more understandable..
He works away a bit aswel , I’d be very uncomfortable with this given what he has done ..
Some people are never happy with what they have , he has someone he loves & has great sex with but sought out someone else still ..
I don’t know would I ever be able to get over it being honest ..x

Jesus Christ.

Do not "move on".

Decent men do not do this.

If he believed that women are fully human he would not have any interest in a sexual encounter that can be "bought". If a man believes that women are fully human, the only sexual encounter he has any interest in is with a woman who is fully and enthusiastically consenting without any hint of coercion or control.

This man will never be a partner worth having. Throw him back. I am sorry you wasted so much on moving to be with him but it would be a totally irrational "sunk cost fallacy" to therefore stick with him.

Jesus, what a ballache this relationship sounds like. He's proven himself willing to cheat and buy sex like it's something you nip down the shops for, you're cocooning him from his own bad decisions and fragile ego and now you are asking for advice on how to shelve you own feelings. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

'I've never shouted or screamed at him and that's something hes not used to' that's what he's telling you is it? Poor baby was shouted and screamed at by his ex wife was he?

This man is a liar. You shouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Cut your losses now while you're still relatively newly together. He'll have you questioning which way is up if you stay too long.

It’s absolutely relevant - and tells you everything you need to know about how this man views women.

Yuk. Nothing in the world could get me to touch him again.

OP , sorry to hear this ..
It’s irrelevant that she is an escort, all you will get on this now is “ so it’s okay to buy woman’s bodies “& “ he views women as objects “ 🙄

Why on earth is this worthy of an eye roll? He DOES think women are objects he can buy. How can you possibly argue he doesn't ?

No this woman’s occupation ( she chose to be an escort btw, not forced into it like everyone’s in the universe thinks ! ) ..
is irrelevant, whether she is a work colleague, next door neighbour or girl that works in the local shop . He had loyalties to OP ..

It it easier to think ‘escort’ rather than acknowledging that he used a sex worker or prostitute?

Because that’s the reality. He paid a woman money for access to her body, while also in a relationship with you. And then he hid it from you, lied, tried to minimise and has given you the least information he can get away with.

How long were the gaps you spent apart when you didn’t live together? Did you need to resort to purchasing sex from another man?

I’m going to make a wild guess and say you didn’t.

For me, this would be relationship-ending. If I can’t trust the man I love to keep physical fidelity and not lie then what’s the point?

Only you can decide your future, I know what mine would be…

Yup.

so much eye rolling yawn boredom about the idea that men choose to rent the body of a woman who is in an “industry” rife with exploitation , abuse and harm to put his cock in.

He will do it again, he's already proven he doesn't have the self control not to. If you're OK with that then you still have a relationship. He can still love you and sleep with other women, many open marriages survive this way despite the black and white responses here. The question is can you love and grow old with him being this way. I'm not going to judge you for it, different people have different needs and expectations.

He’s done it (at least) once. He’ll prob do it again. If you’re comfortable with that then crack on. If not, then leave him.