My Partner slept with an Escort, how do I move on?

[MugOrJustHopefull]

My partner(M55) and I (F48) have been together 2.5 yrs and our start was far from conventional. He was married when we met and left his wife for multiple reasons which he says were already existing before me, and that meeting me was the catalyst of him leaving rather than leaving her for me.

I moved a long way 6 months ago to be with him and our physical relationship is phenomenal and always has been.

I am a very rational person, I have encouraged him to open up and express his thoughts and feelings, which he has done, especially over the last 18 months. I've never shouted or screamed at him and that's something hes not used to, just calm conversations.

Recently, I knew there was something wrong and as much as I tried to get him to talk, he would just shut down.

He left his PC open and I looked at his search history and he had been goggling escorts and there were 4 photos of a woman.

I asked him about the escort searches and he said he'd always thought they were more realistic that standard sights. It was clear to me that there was still something he wasnt saying, I asked him over and over to which I just got - i don't know what you want me to say,and then again - shut down.

I mentioned the 4 photos of a woman and he denied knowledge, so I said id show him, but they had been deleted and the thumbnails said "recently deleted".

Anyway fast forward 24 hours and I finally got him to confess he'd slept with an Escort. He said it was only once and before we moved in together so around October time. I stayed calm and rational as always and we talked, he cried, I didn't. He said it was a huge mistake that he regretted the second he'd done it.

Well, fast forward another week and we've discussed it, I know who she was, where and when, bits and pieces of what they did / didn't do and what she looks like. She is of course slim, young and pretty.

I really want to try and move on with our
relationship together. He's given me all the standard lines of its me that he loves and wants to be with and grow old with and he wants us to have a life together.

My trust in him is shattered and he works away a fair bit so I know that will be torturous.

BUT.... although I can forgive in time I don't know how to forget.
I just don't know how we move on together

Oh please. He had an affair with you. Left his wife and has 100% been sleeping with other women for most of your relationships.

stop being naive. One time my arse. It would be an incredible coincidence that he only did it the once and you found the evidence. Wise up

Firstly get full std check including chlamydia. Then dump him, he has no respect for you or women, what on earth prompted him to go with an escort? He's sick , I'd hazard a guess thisvisnt the first time. He's not sorry, he's sorry he got found out

I don't agree with sex work of any kind. I think paying for a prostitute is inline with rape... no woman really chooses to have sex for money.

Is this what they call karma 🤔

I could never stay with a man who used an exploited woman for his pleasure. Men who use escorts are misogynists. The cheating should be the least of your concerns.

Did he explain WHY he wanted to use an escort OP?

I’m wondering what unfulfilled need he had that he felt he could only get from a ‘professional’ and not from you.

I’m not saying what he did was right (it wasn’t), but I’m curious to know why he chose to hire someone. Most people just use Tinder or go to a bar and pick someone up for a one night stand if they want to just cheat. Using an escort service is an odd choice.

So you don’t want to leave

this will give him the green light to cheat again cos you didn’t leave
your self esteem will be in the toilet this time next year when you find more evidence of his cheating cos he won’t hide it cos yiu forgave last time.

go for therapy if you can afford it to find out why you do this to yourself

Please leave. You deserve so much better.

No- she shouldn’t give him a break. She should give him the boot.

You sanitizing language is revolting it isn’t “it’s perfectly normal for DH’s to have some time with an escort” what you actually mean is that in some countries women are socialized to accept husbands who use prostituted women (men? minors?).

If women did this they would be sectioned and put in a a psychiatric hospital.
It’s vile, and so are the men who do it.

It’s pretty simple: the reason that you ‘don’t know how we move on together’ is because there is no way to. You absolutely need to move on separately!

If you stay together you will never be able to fully trust him, and your self esteem will be gradually eroded - if not by other incidents that you discover, then with doubts.

You will be happier without him.

I asked him about the escort searches and he said he'd always thought they were more realistic that standard sights. It was clear to me that there was still something he wasnt saying, I asked him over and over to which I just got - i don't know what you want me to say,and then again - shut down.

He thinks it's more realistic (convenient) for him to cheat with an escort than to find a sex/affair partner on a "standard" dating site or app. But this conversation took place after you were a monogamous couple, right? Why was he wanting to cheat at all, and how did he not think he owed you an explanation of this?

Leaving aside the fact that a guy who "uses" escorts is probably a bad bet for a partner, how do you envision "moving on together"? If you've decided you don't care that he cheats and sees escorts if he wants, then give him any red lines you have - like he doesn't have sex with your mum or your best friend, and he uses a condom every time - and get on with it and hope he isn't lying again.

If you're thinking you can treat the escort/cheating thing like a one-time mistake and reestablish trust and go on to have a monogamous relationship, I really doubt it because he's told you he thinks there's nothing wrong with cheating and seeing escorts. But if you want to try, know that even in more conventional cases of cheating, it will often take years of therapy and a totally transparent relationship in the meantime. Both people have to be completely committed to making every effort to do the work and be completely honest. For example, if you need him to tell you everything about what happened with the escort(s), he does. If you need to track him phone and monitor his comings and goings, he complies. Sometimes both of you will have to give up what you want and follow the counselor's guidance. Will he do all this? Even if he says yes, it's not going to work unless you trust him, but how can you trust him?

Tbh I don't think it matters who he is cheating with.

He is a liar and a cheat but the op knew that when she met him.

Marry the mistress it leaves a vacancy

This will happen again. You had only just got together, you have a good sex life. He cheated on his wife. He thinks so little of women as to buy them. You are a mug if you stay with him.

He’s not a monogamous guy, @MugOrJustHopefull, not with his Ex and not with you. Despite your love for him and ‘phenomenal’ sex life, he was happy to betray you by renting another woman’s body and bringing you sloppy seconds and lies.

If you hadn’t seen his search history and repeatedly drilled for the truth, you’d still be in the dark where he wanted you to be. I highly doubt that this was his first punting transaction.

Why would you settle for a misogynistic
self-serving cheat who dupes you, steals your agency and consent, and risks your health? He has zero integrity and views women (including you) as objects to be used for his sexual gratification and ego validation. Have you had an STI test?

Don’t sentence yourself to an anxiety-ridden future, @MugOrJustHopefull. Want better for yourself.