Am I being naive?

[CosyFawn]

I’ll try keep this short and not drip feed.

Been with DP for 7 months, we moved in together very quickly (he moved into my place as he lived with parents). He is 3 years separated but still married and has a DD (5) with ex wife. He see’s DD most weekends but has never had her overnight and I assumed this was because ex wouldn’t allow it. He told me when we got together she’s mentally unstable, stops him seeing their DD, she’s nasty, controlling, coercive etc etc. Of course I believed him, it all made sense, he seemed the victim in the break up too. He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month, and his ex asked wouldn’t allow it until we’d been together for 3 months, which then we agreed to meet her over coffee. She seemed perfectly lovely and quite switched on but before too long him and the ex were arguing. Her calling him a liar and him saying the same, he was saying she stops him seeing DD which she denied (there were many things said) We ended up leaving and things were left sour. I fully defended him and perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten involved but I felt bad for him, being accused of being a rubbish father & person.

So everything has been perfect for the last 7 months between us, we’ve even spoken about marriage once he’s divorced. But here’s the thing, I saw a message come up on his phone from her, I didn’t mean to look but he left his phone on the coffee table and I read the first few lines in the preview. It was referencing a time he cancelled on DD to spend time with another girl (before me) and how he’s cancelled in the past on DD for events, socialising, drinking, etc and I’m thinking is he really what she says he is? He’s made out for so long it’s all her controlling the situation and stopping him be a better dad. I’ve tried to approach the subject but he shuts it down usually saying how controlling and abusive she is, I don’t understand what he’s been through. I am not a parent but we’ve discussed the idea of having children together. The message I saw is not the only thing that’s made me think perhaps it’s him and not her but I don’t want to believe it. Things have been so unbelievably perfect and we never argue or disagree. I just don’t know what to believe! I can’t approach the ex as she doesn’t like me after the meeting and it’ll cause more drama if I do.

anyone experienced similar or have any advice for me?

Hmm... lots of red flags. I would be concerned how quickly he moved in? Does he contribute?

Yes you are being extremely naive. You’ve rushed headfirst into a relationship with a man who has more red flags than the Russian Army.

The ‘my ex is crazy Im not allowed to see my DC can I move in after 5 minutes’ is absolutely textbook - it’s the script.

Does he contribute financially and do his share of household chores?

I’m sorry but yes naive. Easily done in the first flush of meeting someone. He is a cocklodger and if you get pregnant he will turn. Get out while you can

i certainly have been naive in the past it’s normal to trust people don’t beat yourself up. It’s all him

Get him out of your house. He's using you.

If a mother is willing to meet you both so the door can be open for their child to meet you, then she sounds like a pretty accommodating mother in my opinion. Especially with your relationship being so new. If she was so controlling, why would she go along with that?
Reflecting back over your relationship, do you think he love bombed you? Moving in with you very quickly, introducing you to his daughter so quickly and talk of kids and marriage already when he’s not even divorced all sounds like love bombing. Quite often men with narcissistic tendencies will move things along quickly, and the ex is always the crazy one in their story!
I’d be paying very close attention to his actions, rather than his words and big promises.
As a mother, and in my personal experience with dealing with co-parenting, his ex complaining to him about cancelling so much, is because he is an unreliable parent. If she was stopping him, she wouldn’t even entertain that kind of conversation. She is calling him out on behaviour and you’ve seen that at least twice now. Don’t ignore what’s in front of you. These concerns you have are real, trust your gut instinct and really put a pause on things moving so quickly with him before you’re in a similar position to his ex, and the next ‘crazy’ one he will tell his future partner about…

This was my worry, I have seen her call him a narcassist before and not out of anger or spite and I wondered why she’d use such a word. I myself have been in abusive relationships in the past where I’ve been manipulated and controlled but this felt different. We get along so well, have a lot of fun together and I can’t fault anything other than what I’ve written above.

He does not contribute financially per se, he will occasionally pay for food or buy us a takeaway. He doesn’t do household chores no, this is also something mentioned by his ex because he apparently she did it all. I didn’t believe her, I think it’s because it’s my house he doesn’t feel like he should which is okay. He helps occasionally with cooking now and again.

He is playing, you and a man who has no where to live (even if he’s at his parents) falls in love the quickest .
Things will not be right, now you have seen the msg and I’m sure he will gaslight you.
The whole situation is not healthy, from experience he is spinning a web of lies .

Yep, you’ve landed yourself a cocklodger. He’s contributing nothing, letting you wait on him hand and foot, and basically letting you know that this is the kind of ‘partnership’ you can look forward to if you’re daft enough to let him stay. Throw the whole man back, seriously.
(Edit for typo)

All sounds like hallmarkings of a c0cklodger

Why dont you ask him to financially conribute (if u see a future) or the truth that you may have rushed and would prefer him to get his own space? If he gets the hump, he doesnt think much of you or the relationship...

There’s an old saying that no one falls in love faster than a man who needs a roof over his head . so you’re providing him a rent free home, being a maid, sex on tap, heat and water and he doesn’t pay a penny. He’a total cocklodger.

Serious give your head a wobble as they say on here. He well and truly saw you coming

Just to add to those thinking he is using me for somewhere to live, we are planning on finding our own place together which he will contribute 50/50 to. He has a good job and earns good money, he just prefers to spend time with me than at his parents house where 5 other people (including kids) live at. Which I understand.

He sounds like a classic cocklodger op. Sorry, I know this is hard to hear.

A word I saw used on here recently was hobosexual. This describes him.

He lives in YOUR house without financially contributing - that gives him MORE reason to do housework etc.

He's using you. Sorry OP you have done nothing wrong only been kind and generous. He is massively taking the pee out of you.

It wont be easy but now you have to toughen up and get rid. He has shown you his true colours. He will undoubtedly protest but be strong and believe you are worth more x

He saw you coming. The rest are empty promises.

I’ve tried to approach the subject but he shuts it down

Is that why you don't argue? You've jumped into a relationship feet first with a man who's still married. Beware the man with the 'crazy ex'. Has he gone to court for access? Does he pay regular maintenance?

I'd jump right back out.

He’s massively taking advantage of you. He’s being as nice as pie because he’s got you well and truly where he wants you. He’s living with you for free, and not contributing in any real way. He’s giving you massive promises of the happy ever after, yet he can’t even parent the child he has properly.
I wouldn’t be disregarding what his ex is saying so quickly, just because she is his ex.
This man is setting you up exactly where he wants you. Any decent man would contribute their fair share and then some, and would be fighting to see their child.
So many red flags with this man… Please be careful.

@CosyFawn he earns good money means you sit down together and show him the bills you pay and ask for at least half (especially if earning more than you). Or he uses his good earnings to get himself a place to live and you stay over there (rent free and pay for the odd takeaway)

Op I've been in the same situation. Met a guy before lockdown with the "crazy ex". Two years later and he still hadn't sorted out his divorce so I got rid of him. Sorry you are being taken advantage of x

So many red flags OP! My ex makes all kinds of stuff up about me and it sounds like your DP is doing the same. Is he at least paying g child maintenance to his ex as doesn't seem to see his child very often?

Also he should be helping you out around the house! Are you actually doing his laundry, cleaning up after him etc and paying all the bills including food shopping? You know this isn't right!

I suppose we don’t talk about anything to argue about but yes I try not to bring it up and if I do it gets shut down so perhaps you’re right. No he hasn’t gone to court until very recently he has mentioned he wants to. He has said in the past he’s not been able to deal with it mentally. I believe he does pay child maintenance monthly.

Of course he is being Mr Perfect for you right now when he’s getting free accommodation, paying no bills, and with maid service included! He’s got his feet under the table indecently fast and you shouldn’t trust him as far as you can throw him.

Even without the text evidence, this guy is one giant walking talking red flag - for goodness sake give your head a wobble and get rid of him!

So he should be financially contributing then. There’s no excuse at all not to. He should be paying towards the bills, the weekly shopping and treating you to meals out etc as you’re paying for the roof over his head.

Of course a free home with a live un housemaid who provides sex is preferable to his parents home. And if he has such a good job, why didn’t he find a short term rental?

If you sell your house to buy a place with him - you need your head testing.

He needs to pay his way (rent, food, bills etc) while he lives in your house. And do chores.
But.......
Please don't buy a house together.
Please don't get married.
Please don't have a baby.

He is using you, OP.

If he is really serious, he will contribute and will also wait several years before rushing you into any commitment..