Am I being naive?

[CosyFawn]

I’ll try keep this short and not drip feed.

Been with DP for 7 months, we moved in together very quickly (he moved into my place as he lived with parents). He is 3 years separated but still married and has a DD (5) with ex wife. He see’s DD most weekends but has never had her overnight and I assumed this was because ex wouldn’t allow it. He told me when we got together she’s mentally unstable, stops him seeing their DD, she’s nasty, controlling, coercive etc etc. Of course I believed him, it all made sense, he seemed the victim in the break up too. He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month, and his ex asked wouldn’t allow it until we’d been together for 3 months, which then we agreed to meet her over coffee. She seemed perfectly lovely and quite switched on but before too long him and the ex were arguing. Her calling him a liar and him saying the same, he was saying she stops him seeing DD which she denied (there were many things said) We ended up leaving and things were left sour. I fully defended him and perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten involved but I felt bad for him, being accused of being a rubbish father & person.

So everything has been perfect for the last 7 months between us, we’ve even spoken about marriage once he’s divorced. But here’s the thing, I saw a message come up on his phone from her, I didn’t mean to look but he left his phone on the coffee table and I read the first few lines in the preview. It was referencing a time he cancelled on DD to spend time with another girl (before me) and how he’s cancelled in the past on DD for events, socialising, drinking, etc and I’m thinking is he really what she says he is? He’s made out for so long it’s all her controlling the situation and stopping him be a better dad. I’ve tried to approach the subject but he shuts it down usually saying how controlling and abusive she is, I don’t understand what he’s been through. I am not a parent but we’ve discussed the idea of having children together. The message I saw is not the only thing that’s made me think perhaps it’s him and not her but I don’t want to believe it. Things have been so unbelievably perfect and we never argue or disagree. I just don’t know what to believe! I can’t approach the ex as she doesn’t like me after the meeting and it’ll cause more drama if I do.

anyone experienced similar or have any advice for me?

He does not contribute financially per se, he will occasionally pay for food or buy us a takeaway. He doesn’t do household chores no, this is also something mentioned by his ex because he apparently she did it all. I didn’t believe her, I think it’s because it’s my house he doesn’t feel like he should which is okay. He helps occasionally with cooking now and again.

Are you kidding? He LIVES in the house. Why on earth should he not be contributing financially or doing chores? He is taking you for an absolute mug (and clearly lying about his ex being crazy, and about his access to his dd).

Op. If he isn’t saying anything good about the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD he won’t be speaking highly of you in the future either. Huge red flag that, never mind the lying! If it was casual fair enough, but you’re considering a future with him? Why isn’t he divorced? Why hasn’t he gone to family court to get proper access etc?!

eta:

just seen he earns good money but doesn’t contribute?!?! Wild. He’s taking you for such a ride. The whole meet up is a shame too, their argument definitely shouldn’t have been for you to get involved in. Imagine you do have a child with him & he wants to introduce said child to women quickly? Then the new woman gets aggy with you?! Surely you can see why she wouldn’t be keen?

OMFG, open your eyes OP! Read what people are saying, he's using you and you're letting him walk all over you.

Is his dick made of solid gold or something...fuck him off!

This all sounds very similar to my now ex-husband. I blame lock down for temporarily losing my mind and buying his absolute bollocks. He moved in quickly, like a mug I allowed it, he then started renovating his house so he could rent it out or sell it for us to buy together (thank god we never got that far!), during this period of time he never contributed anything towards my bills and begrudged even sharing the cost of food bills. I felt like he was spending money on improving his house so didn't push it, also any conversations he didn't like were quickly shut down by him so I learnt to keep my mouth shut. He would help with maintenance around the house but did no cleaning and refused to cook.
He had 2 grown up children he was estranged from, he would cry about it whenever I tried to ascertain what had caused the estrangement. They were with 2 different women and he never bad mouthed them but said his elder son just stopped seeing him as a teen as he wanted to be with his friends and he was prevented from seeing the younger one by his exs mother and despite going to court they didn't abide by court order. I guess my gut was telling me this wasn't the whole story but I didn't want to believe that at the time.
We started trying for a baby and arranged to get married and I found out I was pregnant with twins, it was during the pregnancy the true person emerged and he was vile. We separated when the twins were 4 days old after he flopped one of them on the bed because I'd asked him to help me feed them and he was angry he'd been woken up, he also screamed abuse at me. He hasn't seen the twins in over 2 years as he couldn't be consistent despite my many attempts at maintaining contact, he was impossible when it came to child maintenance so it is now deducted directly by his employer and they lie about how much he is paid so I receive a pathetic amount. He met someone else soon after we split who believed his victim narrative hook line and sinker and tried to contact me to tell me he had changed and wanted to be a father to the twins and I was stopping him from doing tbat. She recently moved out of his house after a 2 year relationship due to DA. I know it's hard when someone pretends to be exactly what you're looking for, I've been there and worn the t shirt and it has come at huge personal cost. Don't make the mistakes I did, as the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are believe them!

Any man who talks shit about his ex almost immediately after you start seeing him is waving a ginormous red flag at you. Always, always, always be suspicious of that. Good guys don't do that even when it's true. Manipulative guys who want you to feel sorry for them and overlook their flaws do. Think about it- would you lead with "my ex is an asshole" when dating? I certainly wouldn't and my ex actually is an asshole. Whining about an ex is such a universal turn-off that I'm surprised you continued seeing him after that. When you get to know each other better, of course you tell each other those sorts of things, but you don't set up a narrative ahead of time that you were prevented from seeing your child in case your girlfriend notices that you don't do overnights with your child. Be aware that "unstable" and "controlling" are the top things worthless men accuse an ex of, it's the classic misogynistic "bitch be crazy" line. There are, of course, truly awful exes out there, but you have to ask yourself why he had a child with somebody like that in the first place. Was he economically dependent? Was he just naive? These are the questions you need to ask a man who uses "my ex is a ___"(fill in the usual descriptors) on you.

Absolutely do not move in with somebody you don't trust, and obviously you don't, and for good reason. PP are smelling the distinct odour of hobosexual on this guy, as well they should. He wants to move in after only seven months and is talking about marriage before he's even divorced? He lives with his parents? Guuurrrl no. Don't do it.
Just because he says he will be 50/50 does not mean he is not using moving in with you just to get out of his living arrangement with his parents. I'm pretty sure an ex (the asshole) did that to me when we were in my our twenties. Him still living at home with his parents didn't seem so odd as he had just finished school. He has now done it to another woman to avoid paying full rent. Apparently with her he went all out and leaches off her, doesn't even pay any rent, even though he earns many times what she does. I never would have stood for that, I'm sure he knew that and was careful to avoid being caught out. Ugh, that poor woman. But I digress. What I'm saying in a needlessly long-winded way is that I have experience with cocklodging, so I know they don't always leach off you, sometimes they just want somebody to share the rent with. The point is that housing is their ulterior motive.

Blimey OP you are being very naive.
Please read all the posts again.

He is a classic cocklodger.

Spot on. Always a red flag when they start talking trash about the mother, especially right off the bat. Gross.

Couldn't agree more. I cannot believe you are letting a grown man live in your house rent and contribution free, who doesn't lift a finger.

After 7 months!!! you barely know him!

And you're scared of bringing up issues.

you said yourself you've been painted as the crazy ex in the past, so why on earth have you believed him when it comes to his ex? If she's so evil and abusive, surely he'd try to have his daughter more??

Oops. Meant to say he wanted to move in after seven months and lived with his parents, and he moved in with you to get out of that living arrangement, all past tense not present tense. Got mixed up there.

I never thought the ex was evil and he didn’t start off our ‘dating’ stage by mentioning her. He mentioned having a DD but not much was said until he proposed me to meet DD and then the ex got involved. That’s when I started asking questions because there was a lot of push back from his ex saying it’s too soon, she wasn’t comfortable with it. He told me she was being controlling & shes stopping it because I’m the first proper relationship he’s had since they split so she’s just jealous and trying to come between us which of course I fully believed.

OP you need to take off the rose colored specs off now, today. You have got yourself well and truly involved with a taker.

It’s not often you read a thread whereby the replies pretty much mirror one another. All I can say is, I doubt we’re all wrong.

But he isn’t different! He’s absolutely textbook cocklodging deadbeat dad!

you must be beyond desperate to think he is in any way a good option.

OP why are you avoiding discussing his freeloading?

Of course I believed him, it all made sense, he seemed the victim in the break up too. He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month,

How does this make sense.
You say you believed him but then he wanted to introduce you after only 1 month - that’s not a good parent at all.

Even 3 months is way too soon.

Why is he living with you after only 7 months?
Why doesn’t he just come over on weekends?
Why are you having anything to do with the child?

Honestly you sound a bit desperate, let along naive.
You let a man move in with you after barely knowing him, he doesn’t contribute, you’re around his kid, you’ve argued with the ex and you’re already talking about children etc.
He is either very clever or you are very stupid.

Of course there will be another side of the story. My ex used to tell everyone I was violent and psychotic and all his girlfriends believed him until he showed his narcissistic alcoholic colours to them too and destroyed those relationships.
Don’t get caught up too much and what has gone on in his relationship with her. What is he like with you?

To add to what everyone else is saying…. You will have list single person council tax discount by him moving on, be using more gas/electric/water and your shopping bill will have gone up - so you are actually paying for him to live with you.

Are you really that desperate? If so, nothing we can say here is going to convince you. Deep down you know this isn’t right or you wouldn’t have posted - but you love him and he treats you nicely (of course he does, he’s winning the lottery with you) so you think you’re wrong to question it. Please, please listen to the alarm bells and the posters here. If you want a family, and it sounds like you do, chuck him out, do the freedom program, and then look for someone that will treat you as an equal, will pay their way and not be an absolute twat.

There are so many red flags, I can see them clearly waving from across the pond. Get out whilst you can.

I’m definitely not desperate, I’ve been on my own for a while and he was the first person to show me kindness and get along with really well.

I’m around the child because we’re always together. There are occasions when I’m not though, he will take her to see his parents or something for example and sometimes I’m there, sometimes not. I don’t think 7 months is too soon, 1 month perhaps yes in hindsight but not now.

I’m around the child because we’re always together. There are occasions when I’m not though, he will take her to see his parents
So despite having the child an obscenely little amount of time, when he does he still isnt Solo parenting? He gets you or his mum involved.

does he always cook for his child when he has her?

He’s lovely with me. Kind, funny, caring, he does sweet things like make sure I’m warm and covered if I fall asleep watching a film. Obviously there’s more to it than all of that but I’ve never seen anything horrid from him, he’s never been unkind to me or upset me. I have met many of his friends who have said his ex wants to play victim and say he’s the abusive one. Who am I to believe? Are his friends all in on it? As for the ‘freeloading’ I am asking him to do more to help around the house but he sees it as I’m at home (hybrid job) and he never is, so I should be doing most of that, plus it is my house. He’s not on the council tax yet for living with me as he’s not officially moved in as such but he’s basically here 24/7 and he has a key. I will be asking him to pay towards the rent but it never really crossed my mind until today that my bills have gone up and I need more financial help in the way of contributions.

You’re trolling us now, not desperate?? You’re practically paying for him to be your boyfriend, throwing maid and nannying services into the mix as well.

why do women laud such shit men as prizes?!

No he will often buy her McDonald’s or Subway, when he does need to cook for her he’ll put a pizza in the oven or chicken nuggets. As he is only with her for the day he only feeds her lunch and occasionally breakfast if it’s a morning session.

You have some serious issues. He treats you like garbage.

I am asking him to do more to help around the house but he sees it as I’m at home (hybrid job) and he never is, so I should be doing most of that.

And of course his friends are going to give the same story as him… as theyll have git that version from him

If he isn't paying his way then he is a cocklodger!

If he doesn't pay his fair share of finances or household chores now, he never will.

Of course you don't argue, he doesn't want to rock the boat.

No one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Yes, he had a roof over his head when you met, but now he has you doing everything for him, and paying everything too.

So total garbage as a father.