Am I being naive?

[CosyFawn]

I’ll try keep this short and not drip feed.

Been with DP for 7 months, we moved in together very quickly (he moved into my place as he lived with parents). He is 3 years separated but still married and has a DD (5) with ex wife. He see’s DD most weekends but has never had her overnight and I assumed this was because ex wouldn’t allow it. He told me when we got together she’s mentally unstable, stops him seeing their DD, she’s nasty, controlling, coercive etc etc. Of course I believed him, it all made sense, he seemed the victim in the break up too. He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month, and his ex asked wouldn’t allow it until we’d been together for 3 months, which then we agreed to meet her over coffee. She seemed perfectly lovely and quite switched on but before too long him and the ex were arguing. Her calling him a liar and him saying the same, he was saying she stops him seeing DD which she denied (there were many things said) We ended up leaving and things were left sour. I fully defended him and perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten involved but I felt bad for him, being accused of being a rubbish father & person.

So everything has been perfect for the last 7 months between us, we’ve even spoken about marriage once he’s divorced. But here’s the thing, I saw a message come up on his phone from her, I didn’t mean to look but he left his phone on the coffee table and I read the first few lines in the preview. It was referencing a time he cancelled on DD to spend time with another girl (before me) and how he’s cancelled in the past on DD for events, socialising, drinking, etc and I’m thinking is he really what she says he is? He’s made out for so long it’s all her controlling the situation and stopping him be a better dad. I’ve tried to approach the subject but he shuts it down usually saying how controlling and abusive she is, I don’t understand what he’s been through. I am not a parent but we’ve discussed the idea of having children together. The message I saw is not the only thing that’s made me think perhaps it’s him and not her but I don’t want to believe it. Things have been so unbelievably perfect and we never argue or disagree. I just don’t know what to believe! I can’t approach the ex as she doesn’t like me after the meeting and it’ll cause more drama if I do.

anyone experienced similar or have any advice for me?

The most loving attentive men are the ones who need a roof over the head provided for them.

Woah.

Avoid avoid avoid.

Avoid.

I've been the "ex" you're describing. It's him, trust me.

What’s the situation with the home he shared with his ex? Is she living there? Was it sold? If she’s living there g there is he still
paying the mortgage and on the deeds?

My exh was also a useless df...blamed his exes when he didn't have his dc.. I declined his suggestion we had a dc...

He well and truly saw you coming.

No they rented at the time apparently. When they split they both went back to their respective families but as they’ve been separated for 3 years she now has her own house, I think her partner lives with her but we are not entirely sure.

I am early 30’s. I have been the one described as a crazy ex before too and have dated guys in the past that have turned out to be abusive or narcissistic. This guy is very different from all of that.

Personally I would reach out to his ex if you can - you will need some sort of relationship with her if you are looking at becoming their daughters stepmum. Maybe say that you'd like to find some common ground with her due to your meeting going so badly, and you would like to get to know her without your partner being there. If he is true to his word, he will welcome this as his daughters wellbeing is priority, if he doesn't, well, it speaks volumes!

The problem is that you’ve been in abusive relationships previously - the fact that’s plural at your age is concerning- and that tends to blur your boundaries and make you less able to spot glaring red flags. It also makes you very vulnerable to live bombing

Have you done The Freedom Programme? It’s recommended to anyone who has had previous abuse before they consider dating again.

OMG…. What can I say…

Seriously, get rid of him!

Read

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
• Get counselling
• Do the Freedom Programme

And never - not ever - let yourself be taken advantage of like this ever again.

Thank you but I don’t think this will go down well. I met with her along with DP 3 months in and I said some things I shouldn’t have out of anger for DP. The ex did not want me around their DD but DP proceeded to bring her to mine or we’d take her out together when he did have her. She found out and got really angry with him but I’m going to be around so she cannot control that. She seems to have calmed down about it but I am there on handovers most of the time (I don’t get involved though). I cannot imagine she would agree to speak to me after all that but also if she did, I believe it was just be an opening for her to tell me how awful he is and most of it could be untrue.

I think it’s because it’s my house he doesn’t feel like he should which is okay.

Oh what bollocks. He is living in your house rent free, he should be desperately trying to keep it nice!!
What the fuck are you doing?

Every single point here is a problem. Every. Single. One. What are you doing?!?!

we moved in together very quickly
he moved into my place as he lived with parents.
He is 3 years separated but still married and He see’s DD most weekends but has never had her overnight
He told me when we got together she’s mentally unstable, stops him seeing their DD, he seemed the victim in the break up too.
He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month
I myself have been in abusive relationships in the past
He does not contribute financially per se, he will occasionally pay for food or buy us a takeaway.
He doesn’t do household chores
He helps occasionally with cooking now and again.
he will contribute 50/50 He has a good job and earns good money. (do you earn the same so 50/50 is fair? Will you be paying for his child too at 50/50?)
we don’t talk about anything to argue about but I try not to bring it up and if I do it gets shut down
he hasn’t gone to court until very recently
I’ve seen him message her before to ask to have his DD and she has said no because plans were already made, I admit it was very last minute and can’t help but think it was set up for me.

They're all different for the first few months.

But in your own words he sounds fucking awful too so why is she lying?

My eyes nearly roll out of my head when a man says he doesn't want to do any housework in case the woman objects to it, given it's her house. No woman ever said, "That's my fucking dishwasher, leave it alone!" or "Don't you dare touch my vacuum cleaner!"

You would have to be INSANE to stay with this man. He's a cocklodger, a user, a liar and a cheat. FFS learn something from his XP - he's not a man you should be even thinking about staying with, never mind having his baby.

So you facilitated him going against the express wishes of his ex with regards to introducing v their DD to a woman he’d known a matter of weeks and then say some harsh words to her when you’re introduced?

I really don’t know what to say other than take off your rose tinted specs and see the fact you’re being taken for an absolute fool but you seem determined to believe the oldest lines in the book from a well versed cocklodger maybe you’ll just have to learn the hard way.

Hes not going to give up his life of Riley you’re bankrolling easily is he?

no don’t

he hasn’t got divorced

I'd never trust a man who bad mouthed his ex. I've never known one do it and be being truthful, in my experience they are always narcissistic liars. I'd be wary of someone introducing their DC so quickly and I'd be putting the breaks on a relationship moving as quickly as yours has. Yes, I'd say you have been naive but at least your eyes are opening before you bring a child into this. End it.

But he isnt even different. He moved in fast because he was homeless, living with his parents, doesnt pay a penny towards living in op’s house, doesnt lift a finger except rarely and I bet he makes a song and dance out of it, talks about how his ex is abusive but he is quite happy to not be any sort of parent to the child he left with her, shuts down op when she tried to discuss important topocs, and is just a shit father.

So he lived with this parents, then moved in quickly with you, allegedly makes very good money but only contributes with the odd takeaway or food?

I smell gambling or drugs or both. Which will also account for him letting down his kid for “events”. The events being… sesh time.

He’s a married man who barely sees his kid and according to his story has left his innocent vulnerable child with an unstable woman

he wanted to introduce his child to a woman he frankly, barely knew after just a month of dating

hes unable to be polite to the woman doing 90% of the childcare for their shared child

hes moved into your house remarkably quickly and doesn’t contribute.

he isn’t fighting for his child

i don’t know what more information you’d be looking for really
there’s about 20 other red flags in your posts that are trying to smack you in the face with how glaringly obvious they are. You can see them because you’ve bothered to write them out here but you’re trying to ignore them I guess.

Oh dear. Classic lines from these types of men. Crazy ex, moving in for free quickly because it's better than kipping on parents settee. Not pulling weight and not wanting discussions on things that might change your opinion of him.

Look, do yourself a favour. Send him home to his mother, tell him to get back in touch when he's sorted himself out and has somewhere to live off his own back.

Just beware of falling pregnant and being in his exs shoes.

@CosyFawn I have seen many men like your DP meet new women and keep the performance up until their name was on a birth certificate.
In the cases I've seen, their first child having a sibling meant there was a legal 'right' to have a relationship- increasing the father's access and control of their ex-partner regardless of how much they cancel, messes around manipulate or fail to pay their share.
It also tied the new partner to them.

Absolutely agree. But for some reason OP thinks he's better/different than men she's known before, in some kind of favourable way. The bar must be in the fucking basement.