Am I being naive?

[CosyFawn]

I’ll try keep this short and not drip feed.

Been with DP for 7 months, we moved in together very quickly (he moved into my place as he lived with parents). He is 3 years separated but still married and has a DD (5) with ex wife. He see’s DD most weekends but has never had her overnight and I assumed this was because ex wouldn’t allow it. He told me when we got together she’s mentally unstable, stops him seeing their DD, she’s nasty, controlling, coercive etc etc. Of course I believed him, it all made sense, he seemed the victim in the break up too. He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month, and his ex asked wouldn’t allow it until we’d been together for 3 months, which then we agreed to meet her over coffee. She seemed perfectly lovely and quite switched on but before too long him and the ex were arguing. Her calling him a liar and him saying the same, he was saying she stops him seeing DD which she denied (there were many things said) We ended up leaving and things were left sour. I fully defended him and perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten involved but I felt bad for him, being accused of being a rubbish father & person.

So everything has been perfect for the last 7 months between us, we’ve even spoken about marriage once he’s divorced. But here’s the thing, I saw a message come up on his phone from her, I didn’t mean to look but he left his phone on the coffee table and I read the first few lines in the preview. It was referencing a time he cancelled on DD to spend time with another girl (before me) and how he’s cancelled in the past on DD for events, socialising, drinking, etc and I’m thinking is he really what she says he is? He’s made out for so long it’s all her controlling the situation and stopping him be a better dad. I’ve tried to approach the subject but he shuts it down usually saying how controlling and abusive she is, I don’t understand what he’s been through. I am not a parent but we’ve discussed the idea of having children together. The message I saw is not the only thing that’s made me think perhaps it’s him and not her but I don’t want to believe it. Things have been so unbelievably perfect and we never argue or disagree. I just don’t know what to believe! I can’t approach the ex as she doesn’t like me after the meeting and it’ll cause more drama if I do.

anyone experienced similar or have any advice for me?

I call BS actually.

I don’t believe anyone is this desperate/gullible.

Quite. This is all BS.

Well that’s your opinion but this is my life and this is why I came here to get advice and opinions. I clearly have a lot of thinking and healing to do.

They don't have to be in on it. He would have told his friends that and they would have believed him. If you could ask her friends they would likely tell you the opposite.
You are, understandably, highly invested and therefore you want to believe him very badly, so IMO you aren't going to heed the advice here. That's entirely your prerogative, but why start the thread if you're just going to keep defending him when people point these things out?

OP your past relationships have set your understanding of a relationship so off centre that you can’t see the truth. This man is a shit bag who can no more prioritise his daughter than he will be able to be a partner. You have been lovebombed and manipulated and make excuse after excuse for this freeloading arse who expects you to dote on him paying his way and cleaning up after him. Ffs. Get counselling - it would be the kindness you need.

You’re right, I am defending him and I didn’t even realise it. I am going to take the advice here because I am at make or break point and everyone agreeing on this post has opened my eyes up to how silly and naive I’ve been. Of course I believed everything he told me and believed his ex was nasty and crazy. There’s a lot more to all of this that I am able to type on here. He has done things for me he never would have done for her and he hates her - which to me says he was abused by her. But now I’m starting to realise this could all be part of a bigger love bombing picture and manipulation tactics.

I don’t think there’s any point trying to help @CosyFawn…. She’s desperate to keep this “man” so is deep in delulu. Can’t reason with stupid!

Cocklodger. Plain and simple. Needed a roof.

You haven't exactly covered yourself in glory either.
Verbally abusing his child's mother when she was concerned with you getting involved so early in a relationship, sitting in a car when collecting his child, I imagine passive aggressively, did you ever think once of this child?
I'm glad the mother appears to have sense.

Wanting you to meet his child after 1 month 🚩 Not a good sign for you either.
Moving in within 7 months 🚩
No financial contribution to your home he’s living in 🚩
No cleaning or helping around the house 🚩
Slagging the ex off from day one 🚩
Secretly taking his DD to see you after her mother asked him not to 🚩 Bad form on you too for doing this.
Blaming the ex for his lack of access 🚩
3 years not bothering to get his own place to have his DD and be a grown up 🚩
Shutting down any talk to his DDs access, the ex 🚩
He hates his ex so that must mean she abused him? How dose that add up? Many people hate their ex’s especially the abusers. Most victims just want out, to feel safe and once they are there is just as much indifference than hate.

He’s playing you and it sounds like you’re starting to realise it.

At best he is a pretty awful father. If the ex is so bad why has he not done more to spend time with his DD, a few hours most weekends is nothing. If the ex has stopped him then he should have taken her to court - you say he earns well, he's not contributing to your household costs and probably didn't at his parents so it's not as if he can't afford to.

He's got you defrauding council tax as you're still claiming single person discount. Why did you move him in without any discussion about how he would contribute? At the absolute least he should have immediately been paying you the CT rise. And the bs about not doing any housework "because it's your house" plus your job is hybrid so you're at home more anyway! Misogynistic rubbish - the lazy git could start full-time WFH tomorrow and he'd have another excuse why he shouldn't do chores/look after himself.

Good for you, OP! I hope you sort it all out. 🩷
In my experience it is the abuser who hates the abused. The abused just wants to be away from the abuser and to develop an indifference towards him/her, not to nurse hatred. The abused, otoh, holds a grudge about the abused getting out from under his/her control. I actually know somebody who works in advocating for domestic abuse victims who says the same.

Most victims just want out, to feel safe and once they are there is just as much indifference than hate.

Exactly @AliceMcK

Why must you call her names? She's starting to realize she's been fooled by him now, which she wouldn't have if all she had gotten were unhelpful, insulting replies like that.

She's not stupid. She writes well and expresses herself well. Almost anybody can be taken in by a skilled manipulator.

I don’t understand all this “of course I believed him”. Why of course? For most women, the minute a guy trots out the “my ex is crazy” line, he might as well be waving a flag saying he’s an abuser. The only thing I ever think when a man says that is “oh really? And what did you do to make her ‘crazy’?” The fact you swallowed his crap hook, line and sinker just says to me that you need several years of therapy

He does not contribute financially per se, he will occasionally pay for food or buy us a takeaway. He doesn’t do household chores no, this is also something mentioned by his ex because he apparently she did it all. I didn’t believe her, I think it’s because it’s my house he doesn’t feel like he should which is okay. He helps occasionally with cooking now and again.

Why on earth do you put up with this? Do you not think you deserve better?

Ask him to pay this month’s rent and contribute to bills. See how he reacts. I bet there will be a sob story about money and he will guilt you into letting it slide - like every other time. This man is an utter cocklodger, Love.

It's been mentioned a few times but worth repeating. Take a minute and think...if his ex is so terrible, so toxic, abusive, psychotic and the rest, why hasn't he filed for divorce? Why isn't he fighting for custody of his child? Why isn't he making his child a priority, setting up a proper home for them both?

OP I hope this thread has been helpful for you.

And I hope you end it with this guy and change the locks to your place.

Then I hope you sit down and think really carefully about some basic rules of dating. The things you think matter, like him being sweet and caring towards you do matter. But they do not make up for all the other things he is not doing which are equally important.

Things like getting divorced (3 years is a long time), getting a proper home so he can have his DC overnight (you say he earns well, why doesn't he have his own place), treating his DC well (feeding her proper food not just takeaway and oven warmed stuff, not introducing her to a GF for at least 6 months and fighting to have her regularly), treating his partner like an equal in terms of financially contributing and household contributions. Don't overlook these things. They are vital.

Continue this relationship at your peril. He will drain you financially and emotionally.

I mean this kindly OP, but you should consider therapy for yourself. As one PP put it, you do sound desperate. I won't repeat what others are telling you but you sound like your bar is very very low regarding men, which makes you vulnerable as a future victim of abusers. Him moving in so quickly and contributing nothing and you talking about kids after 7 months is crazy. You barely know him and what you do know would have anyone rushing to get away from him. Ask yourself what has happened in your life to make you think this one is a catch.

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Sorry posted multiple times for some reason.

He has done things for me he never would have done for her and he hates her - which to me says he was abused by her.

What things has he done for you and why do you think he’d never have done it for her?

They were together for at least 3 years and had a child together.
Theres a million things they’ve done that he hasn’t done with you.
They would have had a bond that you and him don’t have yet.

You’ve only been together 7 months and he’s already taking the piss out of you by being at yours all of the time and not even contributing, as well as getting you to meet the child after only 3 months.

So I can’t see what things he has done for you that he’s apparently never done for her and what proof you have of this.

Stop listening to what he says and start looking at his actions, as they’re the only things that matter.

@CosyFawn never believe any man who talks shit about their ex but doesn’t go for full custody. At best they’re lying, at worst they’re okay with leaving their child with a supposed abuser.

I still think I smell an addiction somewhere. Do you have access to his phone? Get a drug test from Amazon and see what happens. He probably will refuse to take it.

FWIW, I don’t think you’re desperate - you’ve just been conditioned to accept this in relationships.