Am I being naive?

[CosyFawn]

I’ll try keep this short and not drip feed.

Been with DP for 7 months, we moved in together very quickly (he moved into my place as he lived with parents). He is 3 years separated but still married and has a DD (5) with ex wife. He see’s DD most weekends but has never had her overnight and I assumed this was because ex wouldn’t allow it. He told me when we got together she’s mentally unstable, stops him seeing their DD, she’s nasty, controlling, coercive etc etc. Of course I believed him, it all made sense, he seemed the victim in the break up too. He wanted to introduce me to DD after a month, and his ex asked wouldn’t allow it until we’d been together for 3 months, which then we agreed to meet her over coffee. She seemed perfectly lovely and quite switched on but before too long him and the ex were arguing. Her calling him a liar and him saying the same, he was saying she stops him seeing DD which she denied (there were many things said) We ended up leaving and things were left sour. I fully defended him and perhaps I shouldn’t have gotten involved but I felt bad for him, being accused of being a rubbish father & person.

So everything has been perfect for the last 7 months between us, we’ve even spoken about marriage once he’s divorced. But here’s the thing, I saw a message come up on his phone from her, I didn’t mean to look but he left his phone on the coffee table and I read the first few lines in the preview. It was referencing a time he cancelled on DD to spend time with another girl (before me) and how he’s cancelled in the past on DD for events, socialising, drinking, etc and I’m thinking is he really what she says he is? He’s made out for so long it’s all her controlling the situation and stopping him be a better dad. I’ve tried to approach the subject but he shuts it down usually saying how controlling and abusive she is, I don’t understand what he’s been through. I am not a parent but we’ve discussed the idea of having children together. The message I saw is not the only thing that’s made me think perhaps it’s him and not her but I don’t want to believe it. Things have been so unbelievably perfect and we never argue or disagree. I just don’t know what to believe! I can’t approach the ex as she doesn’t like me after the meeting and it’ll cause more drama if I do.

anyone experienced similar or have any advice for me?

He shuts down conversations so you can’t argue even if you tried

He doesn’t contribute anything financially

He doesn’t do any household chores

He cancels on seeing his kid for his mates and drinking, and he’s lied to you about it

You have seen other things that make you think it’s him and not her: ie he’s the problem. He’s also lied to you about this.

Question: why on earth would you consider marriage and children with him?! I don’t know why you haven’t kicked him out already. He saw you coming a mile off OP. I’m so sorry.

Granted, when someone lives with you and it’s your house/mortgage, there needs to be some decision. However I think splitting the bills and food is the minimum. Be careful of marriage in terms of assets etc

However even if it’s your house, he’s living there and needs to be doing 50% of the housework and cooking. He’s showing his true colours and it’s meant to be the honeymoon phase. Do you want someone to parent or a life partner

Lastly, you’ve taken what this person has said at face value and believed the story of him being a good father. In this day and age of 50:50 parenting being regularly granted through the courts, a man spinning this story could be quite a stretch. If he wanted to, he could take action to have his daughter more regularly and overnight

This is going nowhere. Or rather it shouldn't. How could you be so naive?. Have you not been on here long? So may women who think they are so special to make him change. The poor lamb with the crazy ex.

Oh god I missed the fact he wanted you to meet his daughter after 4 weeks. What a shit show of a man.

You have been beyond naive OP.. My dd's bf stays at hers and buys food that they both eat and cook together, tidies up the flat when she's at work and he's only 21 living at home.

So good job and money yet doesn’t think he should financially contribute .. lives rent free and you pay for all the bills and food and you think this is ok ? This has to be a wind up .. Christ it just gets worse and worse on this site. Desperate women after desperate women ..

Cocklodger situation apart, he sounds exactly like my ex with the crazy narc ex wife and I fell for all the stories, because, why would you not believe him 🤷‍♀️

Run away, OP, he’s a shit father and he’ll be a shit partner when he’s got his feet well and truly under the table.

In your own little bubble he is great. No man as in love as one who needs a new address..
He is a crap df. And a lair.
Don't you deserve a decent man?

Of course you don’t argue.

Why would he rock the boat with someone who houses him for free, does his cooking and cleaning, and has sex with him.

You’re allowing him to make a mug of you, OP.

Please kick him out and look at getting some support to stop you continually choosing poor excuses for men.

Op this is clearly not right!
A good man has his child on a regular basis including the overnights and hard bits of parenting.
A good man pays half the bills and food when he moves in (not mortgage) regardless of it not being a house in his name as he is part of the household and no one lives for free
A good man does his share of household chores as he is making half the mess

A bad man moves in quickly, doesn’t contribute financially or with chores, barley sees his child, gets called a narcissist by his ex, shuts down conversations he doesn’t like, blames stuff on his mental elf…

You know which one he is! If you got pregnant to him you’ll just become the next crazy ex

Of course he's painting his ex as this awful human being, and him the poor victim. He's not going to tell you the truth, there might be some half truths in his version, but definitely not the full truth. He wants you to think he's amazing and Mr Perfect, he's not going to tell you anything bad or where he may have failed within his previous relationship. You are beginning to see that his version, is not quite all it seems. I suspect that he has/and does cancel on his daughter, that he's not been proactive in seeking access and was indeed lazy leaving household chores etc to his ex. He's love bombed you, is now living rent/bill free in your home and doesn't contribute to the household chores either. I definitely wouldn't be buying a house with him, marrying or having a baby with him. He's a walking red flag. You've rushed far too quickly into the relationship, allowed him to introduce you to his daughter, which should have never happened at that point and now you're realising you've possibly made a mistake. He needs to move out of your home. I would be ending the relationship too, because he's not been honest with you.

He is taking you for a complete fool.

You are providing a free roof over his head, food, laundry, bills paid, and with sex on top. He shuts you down every time you try and discuss anything, and as a result, you have changed your behaviour so you don't cause any issues. He is absolutely sitting pretty, and he has you running round after him like a servant.

You've seen his ex calling him a narcissist. She was probably, in a roundabout way, trying to get the message across to you that he is bad news.

Don't be that fool.

Oh mate. Come on now. It’s not because it’s your house that he doesn’t do anything there. He’s living the life of Reilly on your dime.

I think not arguing at 7 months is normal so I wouldn’t use that as a sign all is well, you don’t really know someone until at least 1-2 years and even then it’s early days.

His ex not wanting DD to meet you too quickly is also normal so I wouldn’t see that as her being horrible or controlling etc.

I do think any man saying his ex is crazy, a narc etc etc is a huge warning sign … I’ve fallen foul of this before and found out it wasn’t the exes that were the problem.

If you love him and want to sort this out you need a frank conversation about it.

I think not arguing at 7 months is normal so I wouldn’t use that as a sign all is well, you don’t really know someone until at least 1-2 years and even then it’s early days.

His ex not wanting DD to meet you too quickly is also normal so I wouldn’t see that as her being horrible or controlling etc.

I do think any man saying his ex is crazy, a narc etc etc is a huge warning sign … I’ve fallen foul of this before and found out it wasn’t the exes that were the problem.

If you love him and want to sort this out you need a frank conversation about it.

I’ve just tried to speak to him about it again and got shut down again and was asked why don’t I believe him? Why am I suddenly not trusting him? I’ve seen him message her before to ask to have his DD and she has said no because plans were already made, I admit it was very last minute and can’t help but think it was set up for me. He has said from day one she is a liar, she was abusive, and not to believe a word she says. He seemed so genuine and believable, almost in tears at one point. I really don’t know what to believe. When asked about court before he said he’s made it very difficult for him but I don’t know the details or how or why.

Honestly, at this point I think you need to sit him down and say that if he wants to build a future with you, that starts by being a full partner. So you need to share the bills and he needs to say which household duties he is taking on as his share.

I suspect his response to this will tell you whether we’re all right about him being a cocklodger.

In the meantime, he’s already gone full DARVO when you just spoke to him. You should be running a mile.

Maybe it's time to have an argument about it. You should feel comfortable discussing any concerns with him and not feel shut down.

What’s his excuse for not paying anything towards his living costs?

He lives with you but does no housework or pays towards any bills? He saw you coming. Just because it’s your house doesn’t mean he should live for free. I think you know who to believe. Proceed with caution. Don’t rush into marriage or buying a house with this guy, and for goodness sake make sure he is pulling his weight and contributing.

If I was seeing a man who said his ex was mentally unstable and controlling, my first thought would be why the hell are you not fighting to see your child!
He wanted you to meet her after 4 weeks? I also assumed you agreed, until, thank goodness the 'crazy ' ex put a stop to it.
You're incredibly naive.

• He would have been happy for you to meet his daughter after a month! You were essentially a stranger at this point. A responsible parent wouldn't consider this.

• He doesn't have regular, scheduled contact with his child and doesnt have them overnight.

• You know he has cancelled having his child to do other things he feels are more fun.

• He has a good job but doesn't contribute to household expenses.

• You're only hopeful and not actually sure he pays child support.

• He lives with you under a hotel model
... I.e doesnt clean or see maintaining the home as his responsibility.

• He has the cliche "crazy ex" but you see no evidence of this craziness.

• You don't have difficult conversations as essentially he doesnt allow them.

All of the above are huge red flags, and please bear in mind, that's him in your honeymoon stage and on his best behaviour.

I can almost guarantee if you give up your current security and live with him in a joint tenancy or mortgage, the mask that is hardly even covering his face right now will slip.. completely and quickly.

If you were one of my friends id be very worried about you being in this relationship.

Honestly how do so many of this shitty men who expect a short term gf to provide a free home, food, heat and hot water, sex on tap and all household chores. They’re invariably piss poor low effort fathers churning out the same old ‘my ex is crazy she’s made it hard to see my DD’ lines straight out of a soap opera manage to convince women they’re gods gift?

Seriously they must have 12 inch sold platinum dicks and ejaculate champagne to make their cocklodging vaguely palatable

You can bet your life she hasn’t made it hard for him, he just hasn’t bothered.

I had one like him. I’m a bitch, I won’t let him see his child because I’m spiteful and bitter…but I left him, precisely because he was a lazy twat who didn’t do anything around the house (amongst other major issues), and since I left him three years ago he has had DC less than a whole month, accumulatively, and hasn’t seen them for the entirety of this summer because I dared to ask for a financial contribution from him.

He’s showing you who he is. If you want to believe him that’s fine, but he’s only going to get worse.

You are being beyond naive. How old are you? He is blatantly using you and it’s worrying how passive you are in allowing him to.