Lost it with DP, money and time off

[Moneyworries890]

I come home from work after a particular bad day today and DP announces he plans to take 3 months off work, unpaid. Because he feels like it. I fucking lost it.

We have an 11 month old. I went back to work at 7 months to support us as I'm the higher earner. Pumping round the clock, doing every night wake (because baby totally rejected DP once I went back to work), being a terrible employee and a terrible mother and hating life as I couldn't balance it all.

I've already supported him, pre-baby, for a 6 month period where he took time off. I also lent him money for a masters degree (which he completed part time on top of full time work, pre-baby).

He's not lazy per se but he prioritises himself 100% when it comes to finances.

To expect me to support us for 3 months just because he feels like it? I lost it. Totally fucking lost it. I want to be done with him now. I actually hate him.

Once we calmed down he said he has saved enough money so he can still contribute to the household as normal and he was never planning to ask me to support us 100%

1. I don't believe him (i believe he has the money but he would have 100% expected me to pay for everything)and

2. if he has saved up all that money, how about treating his exhausted partner and mother of his child to something. No? Didn't think so.

In his defence, his income is insignificant compared to mine. We can do without his, not without mine.But I can't be working my arse off while he sits at home, with a full time nanny and the mortgage paid every month. I just can't. Maybe I'm unreasonable. But no fucking way.

Ultimately, I think he has completely underestimated the toll going back to work has taken on me. Truth be told, I resent that he couldn't support me to stay home for a year. Why the fuck does he need 3 months off?

And then use this against the OP to get residency of the child plus child support.

Letting him be a SAHD or even risking him being able to pass himself off as one is a bad idea.

Its like he is living with his mum and hes saying oh im taking some time off now mum and she says ok dear whatever keeps you happy, you are keeping him and he knows it and hes happy with that, or is he? Maybe he secretly resents you being the high earner and thats why hes acting out

Your baby will be happy with a happier mum. He will still see his dad.

Don't marry this man, he is just waiting for an opportunity to be a cocklodger.

He literally doesn not gaf about you, sorry but there it is. He's a spoilt, narcissistic man baby who has zero concerns about what your life is like. He clearly doesn't care about the baby either.
You could do so much better on your own.

Is there more to this? Is he being put on some kind of leave from work pending investigation? I can’t understand a man with a new baby and responsibilities suddenly taking three months of leave from work.

Op maybe instead of heading to break up you head to therapy or changing your relationship first. Im not supporting anything hes said by the way. You are 200 per cent correct but speak up first, demand change and see what he does. If He carries on and his eyes dont open to his beyond selfish behaviour then you'll know in your heart you tried and actually coming and going between two houses is better then being in one sad house. Good luck Op.

How can you stomach such a selfish loser?
Get him out of your home.
You are a complete mug and he knows it.

You chose to have a child with a loser.
Own it.
Your baby deserves so much better than this waster.
Make better choices.
Stop paying to have a partner.

I wondered this. My ex-h announced he needed an indefinite break when I was pregnant with our second. He also went as far as getting his dad to call me during my high risk pregnancy to discuss what he had discovered about how soon I could return to work after birth and to ask if I would considered returning full time rather than part time.

Turns out ex has been suspended - and eventually sacked - from work for being aggressive towards a female colleague.

OP this is so true. Reading your post you are obviously a ‘110 %- er’. You bust a gut trying to work brilliantly, you’re a highly conscientious Mum and a giving partner (funding Masters etc etc ). Your problem is that you have found yourself with a ‘20 / 30 % -er’ in the form of your partner. I think PPs are right - it’s unlikely that this value set of his will change. He is breathtakingly selfish. Your set of values is precious and should you find someone like you will lead to a wonderful rich and fulfilling life as both of you will operate for the common good and put a lot of effort in. As SAHM (previously I worked but had kids late) I took my husband’s highly demanding job seriously and made sure that everything - social / domestic/ kids / their education / the house etc was run as much as possible like clockwork. Holidays and everything we needed was meticulously researched - a good balance between kids social needs and ours and I took quite the hit on lack of sleep - ate late with my husband most nights when he had to work late - for the good of the relationship and because I care so much about him and knew his job was tiring and sometimes lonely. But I did this BECAUSE he made such an effort - worked so hard and long hours. And was a present and engaged dad when he was there. He in turn helped me in lots of ways with little thought of pay back. You cannot keep giving if someone doesn’t give the same back. In the end it won’t benefit you or your child. As people have said you’re actually in a good position to go it alone - keep your hard working and kind nature intact for someone / a partner or future husband who will be deserving! You owe it to yourself and your child. ❤️

The absolute cheek of it!

I would love 3 months of work. As would 99% of the population!

The answer would be no fucking way. Or yes fucking way but the nanny goes.

This is life mate and you don't get to check out when you fancy a bit of a break.

It's a possibility, however most large companies offer career breaks with a minimum break of three months and max 12 months. That's what it sounds like he's done, not giving a shit about anyone else.

If he takes three months off then he looks after baby full time and does the housework if he has no other reasons than he feels like it.
My DP did a similar thing and I am the same whereby my income can cover everything. he was burned out and had mental and physical health problems and had to take time out though. He was in the cusp of a heart attack which we didnt know and then he did actually have one.
I would be checking with him his reasons. I thought my DP was being a lazy bastard but turns out he was three months away from a heart attack. He presented as just lazy and grumpy and I really thought he was being dramatic and a bit pathetic, but it was in fact a major health issue bubbling away🙁if he really is burned out then I would suggest getting him a health MOT and figuring out why.

So he’s shit at cleaning, shit at cooking, only earns a fraction of what you do and is incredibly selfish?

did you think he’d change when you had a child, or…. ?

The baby is not yet old enough for cows milk. 11 months still needs breast or formula. Also maybe she wants to still? I didn’t want to stop breast feeding just because I went back to work.

Sleep training is cruel. It’s basically ignoring your babies needs until they are so exhausted they fall asleep feeling neglected. Studies, lots of studies, show how bad it is for babies and children. They are meant to wake up. It’s completely normal for children to wake during the night.

I'd say it's not just his income that is insignificant. He doesn't seem to be adding much to the family. I'd seriously look at offloading the freeloader.

Great. He can sort out the baby and all the pick ups and all the childcare while he's off. It should make your life easier?

Yes I was thinking this too, payment in advance!

AND he takes over the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing/ all the household chores like most SAHM’s would likely do. Because when you are a parent you become an adult responsible for another life and not a man baby.

Frankly this would give me the ick. That he would even consider, without discussion, dropping this bombshell. If he doesn’t agree to all your conditions so that you get to rest in the evening and also overnight, he’d be out the door pronto.

If you have time in your exhausted state to write down the pros and cons of his residency in your home, do it and present the list to him. Then bin him off.

Don’t get rid of the nanny - They sound far more reliable than the DP! And will have found other employment in three months time when he’s finished his “gap months” and you will be totally stuck for childcare.
I’d be separating now I think - why prolong the enevitable, and your DC will know no different.
A good marriage is very much like a business partnership, and he doesn’t sound like he’s pulling anywhere near his weight. I’d also be questioning if this three months is his idea or being forced on him by some sort of misdemeanour at work.

I have more perspective than most on this. My DH does not work. I was the one who offered to have him take time out because he was in a bad place - for 3 months, which has turned into many years. We mostly make it work.
But the idea of having a full time nanny when he's not working?? Unless he's paying for her entirely from his savings and has credible plans for how he's going to get back into work, that's silly. And as you say, the whole setup is really quite selfish. I'd be done.

It's not even vaguelly the same.

One parent staying at home, as part of a joint decision the family takes to make that work, and that partner then still playing an active and useful role in the life of the family by caring for children and often doing the bulk of the domestic chores is completely different to someone announcing they're not going to work anymore, but with no plan to actually take on more of te other burden.

And it's not a man/woman thing. DH and I agreed he would be a SAHD for a while. But that's th epoint - we agreed it. We discussed how it would be better fo rour family and for each of us individually and he took on a bunch of things that allowed me to go off and be the higher earner int he city.

Dump from a great height.

He has no concern for you so tell him to leave.

Why does he need 3 months off and what kind of job allows him to be off (again)?!

I hope he’s re-thinking this. I find it extraordinary that he merrily announced this!

I agree with everyone else op - you’d be better off without him.

I’m at the other end of parenting (DS is nearly 20) but my H wanted to ‘retire’ next year when we’ve paid the mortgage off. His private pension would be tiny but without the mortgage we could live quite well on my salary which is a good one.

But I’ve refused to agree to it. We currently earn the same (although for many years I was the higher earner) and of course I did all the mental load, more childcare and housework etc so no fucking way does he get to retire and live off me and my salary. He was quite surprised I told him he had to cover half the bills or he would need to leave and find someone else to sponge off. Like you I knew he wouldn’t be doing any bloody housework so that would still all be down to me and the cleaner I’d be paying for!

Definitely send this one packing.

Don’t worry about him going back-and-forth between houses that won’t happen till the baby turns at least two, you can probably drag it out until three.
And he might even be 4 before by the time the order is getting enforced to the process is so slow.

I’d smile and agree to it, then kick him out once he’s packed in his job because I’m a petty prick and he deserves it